This day was December 14, 2000. Exactly one month after you were taken and that I had to carry you around knowing that I would never see your face. I arrived at the OB office for my D-n-C early.
They told me that I could bring one person, so I brought my mom. I left my daughter with my sister so that I could have the procedure done. When I arrived they told me that the normal procedure room was being used for something else and was not available. I asked what that meant and they said that my mom could walk me back, but that she could not stay in the room with me when the procedure was being done because there would be no room.
SAY WHAT!!!!????!!?? You are kidding right? You expected a young woman to go in the procedure alone after you said she could have her mom there? NO WAY!!
We went into the room and my mom was able to stay while they set everything up. One thing that they brought was a large container that they covered with a blanket, that would be where my baby would end up after they sucked her out. I begged that they let my mom stay and that she could stand up by my head by the door since no one would be coming in anyways. They finally agreed and she was able to stay.
She saw I was sad and she was too, she grabbed a picture of my daughter and had me focus on that while the procedure was being done, she even wiped my tears with a tissue. Thanks mom!!
After the process, they rolled my baby out in the container and never asked if I wanted to see her. Never offered me to even glance. Even if she was deformed from the suction, they could have asked. All they did was hand me a pad and say you may experience heavy bleeding. Who cares? Where are you taking her? Will she be buried or burned? Used for science? Will she have a grave? They never gave me answers to anything.
All they said was that it was a chromosome missing that was needed in the building blocks of life and that it was a slim chance that it could ever happen again. Thanks for the comforting thoughts. 

Needles were no stranger to me and i did not fear shots. What I feared was the results that the hormones were really going down. I prayed they were wrong and that they would start to climb.
Week after week I went in to get the blood draws and finally after the 4th week they told me that the levels were very low and that the baby would most likely come out soon. I panicked. I was worried that I would bleed to much and die. Who would care for my daughter if I was not there? Their dad was not there either. He was still in Minneapolis working and getting a welding certification.

Days before the November 21, 2000 ultrasound I was feeling uneasy. I had this sinking feeling that you had passed away and it would not leave my heart or mind. I voiced my concern to my mom who said that she was sure that everything was fine.
I was supposed to drink a lot of water before the ultrasound to make the bladder more transluecent. I was surprised that I was able to even keep any of it down. But the anticipation of knowing if you were okay overruled the need to vomit and I was able to keep it down.
When I arrived at the ultrasound lab, I was scared. Would you be alright or could it be that my worst fear was a reality? When I was getting on the table, the tech asked me how I was and what he could do for me today? I remember that I replied, "just tell me that my baby is okay." and he then said, "I can't promise you that, but we will take a look." I will never for get that exchange for it was the last thing I heard before SILENCE.
He put the doppler on and started the procedure. I could tell right away that there was no heartbeat. You just "hung" there. You were in the sac but there was no movement, a sort of spinning in water, but no heartbeat, no twitching, no anything.
I asked him if you were okay if there was a heartbeat though I knew the answer to the question. All he said was that my doctor will discuss it with me. Huh? Why? I already had the gut feeling and now visual confirmation so just tell me I thought. But did I want to hear it?
After the ultrasound that he did not even give me a printed picture from, I went up to my OB to hear the results. As they called me back I dreaded and feared hearing the words.
The doctor finally arrived and said, "well, your baby died and you will have to get a D-n-C." What? Where is the compassion and care in these harsh words? I was shocked, she told me it passed away one week ago and that I could decide later on the D-n-C but that I would have to come in weekly for blood draws to check the hormone levels.
I was shocked, I walked out to the payphone straight and called my parents and told my dad what they said, they were shocked and sad as well. What should I do? What about the D-n-C? Should I just let nature take it's course? Would I bleed to death? These are some of the things I woondered.
I was 3 months along and was looking forward to the months ahead, now you were gone from your body, but your body was still in mine. Lifeless. Why? What did I do wrong?

I went in for the next OB appointment. I was told that I was not dehydrated, but that my baby was not measuring according to the dates, but she was fine.
They told me to make an ultrasound appointment to make sure that they had the proper measurements for the pregnancy. I made that appointment for November 21, 2000.
I went about my daily life, and stayed with my parents for most of the day as they lived very close by. On November 17, 2000 your Abo left to Minneapolis to go see his sister that had just arrived from Africa, he had not seen her in about 13 years. I was happy that he was able to see her and I hoped that I would get to meet her too.
I was too sick to travel and he wanted to go first. He decided to stay there to help her out for a bit. I was glad that he was able to help her and that he would be back soon.

November 9, 2000. I was feeling really sick again. I was still only able to keep the red Tampico down, but not enough to give me hydration. I went to the ER because my doctor was closed and I needed to get help right away.
When I arrived I was told that I was dehydrated again, no surprise to me. They said I would need an IV and so I said okay. I was bruised on both hands by the time they were done putting the IV in! Seemed like no one knew how to do one and I screamed for them to get the lady from the cancer unit because she knew what she was doing.
After getting rehydrated, I was feeling okay again. Though not 100% I was able to walk and not puke every second.

I was feeling very sick with you. It was constant vomiting. I thought I was gonna puke you out. I had severe morning sickness as they called it. I told my OB about it and she prescribed anti-nausea medication. Nothing stayed down, not even the medication.
I was feeling lightheaded and very weak. I decided to go to the OB and get some help possibly. I was told that I was severely dehydrated and needed to get immediate hydration and vitamins. So I was sent to the cancer unit, the only place that had a bed and I got and IV of fluids and vitamins. They knew how to do an IV there without me even feeling it. I felt so much better after leaving there that I was able to drink the red Tampico juice without any problems. I even promised to send the unit a picture of you after you were born. Had I known then what I know now.
After that, I felt okay for a few days and went back to the same routine. Severe morning sickness is all that they could tell me.

I went to my first appointment and I was feeling really happy that I would be a mom again. Going tot he OB made it all come together and feel real. I was sure that I would be able to do it again, your sister was an easy pregnancy and though her birth was long, I was repared for that again. 
I was glad when she said everything looked great and that you were well. She was optimistic, I was too. I never thought that maybe you were not going to be in my arms in June, it never even crossed my mind to be honest.
I left the appointment and went across the street to my teen group that I always attended, I told them all the news that you would be joining the family in June. They were all happy for me, Including the person who ran the group, Linda Bass. I was greatful to have such people in my circle.

The rose was beautiful as was the feeling of extending our family!! I was glad that you and your sister would be 2 1/2 years apart. That was the perfect amount of time. I thought.
The rose that your Abo got me was yellow with peach, I thought of it as just peach since the way the colors blended. This rose was perfect. It was on the window sill in a vase with rose food and water. I changed it every other day so that it would be fresh and fed it on time.
This rose was a symbol of you. It was a gift from your Abo to me, something that I cherished and cared for as much as I cared for you and the hopes of you joining our family. But this rose was meant to be yours, always.
Why? Why is this rose for you? Because you took it to Heaven with you. I remember that the day you passed away, the rose died too. It was strange at the time, I never looked at it symbolically, but I cared for the rose and it died. It was meant to be with you always and forever. I hope that it has bloomed into a beautiful rose bush up in Heaven with you.

 It was October of 2000. I was feeling a little under the weather and suspected that I could possibly be pregnant again! I was excited, but scared at the same time. I was not sure what to expect or how everyone would take the news. I made an appointment to go to the Public Health Nurse and get a pregnancy test, I was worried what the results would be, positive ( I was sure) would mean a sibling for your sister, and negative would mean no change.
Did I want change? In a way I did. When I went to the nurse the test was positive within secods! I was thrilled. I took the test home to show your dad, he was excited too and gave me a hug. He went out for a bit and he came back with a surprise for me. A sigle rose, peach in color. The first flower he ever bought me.