ForeverMissed
Story continued on HER LIFE
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Ongoing blog (somewhat censored so they don't commit me) in STORIES


I didn't just lose a baby, I lost my future, all my hopes and dreams. I lost my only chance to have a family. I lost my only chance to give my older daughter, Akaia, a sibling. She doesn't have family. No one comes to her soccer games or swim meets. Akaia only has me. I was hoping this baby, Zailee, was going to make her part of more. That a blood tie would somehow solidfy our place in the family. Now, that hope is all gone. We are once again, on our iceberg floating free, separate from the rest of the world.


I found out I was pregnant, in April 2013 and it was a SHOCK. I was on birth control and my boyfriend had a vasectomy scheduled. Neither of us wanted another child. I thought the baby was meant to be. I got really excited. For the next 22 weeks, my home life was less than pleasant. My boyfriend didn't want the baby. He and his family didn't hide that they thought I was ruining his life. I had to stay strong and keep telling him "he would see, she was our miracle." After the ultrasound and tests that showed she was healthy and a GIRL, he started to get excited too. He has two boys to his ex-wife. They had different parenting styles and it was a constant battle. He realized raising a child with me would be an entirely different experience and the five of us started to feel like a family. We were pretty happy. His sons and I put Zailee's furniture together, we all cut down and decorated our Christmas tree. I will never forget wrapping Zailee's Christmas presents and putting them under the tree.

With every ounce of my soul, I was Zailee...Zailee...Zailee.  Constantly on my mind. I planned and bought everything she would need and many things she didn't need but she was my miracle, she deserved the world. I sang to her, talked to her, tickled my belly when she was moving around. I was so in sync with her, we were one. I would flip over while sleeping, then pause and wait for her to re-adjust before falling back to sleep.

You read this and you think you understand...you don't understand. She was everything to me. I am broken without her. All my life people saw something special in me. A love for the little things. A light in my eyes. That light went out with Zailee's last heartbeat. I will never be the same. I am a shattered version of who I used to be. Every breath I take is for Akaia. I can assure you, without her, I would not be on this earth still.





Posted by Mo So on October 14, 2020
I’m sorry. I read about Zailee ur love is obvious. sending u warm hugs and comfort. Xxoo
Posted by Sunya Wright on August 24, 2016
im so very sorry xo My heart goes out to you so much
Posted by lisa burford on April 16, 2015
I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you how this has touched my heart. I suffered a loss at 41 (a surprise pregnancy resulting in early miscarriage) but it was nothing near what you have gone through. I shed tears today for you but I know that your sweet Zailee Marie is in Heaven and when it is your time you will be reunited. I prayed for you and Akaia today that God blesses you both. xo, Lisa
Posted by Elizabeth Larson on December 10, 2014
Thank you both for leaving a message for Zailee's first birthday. It meant a lot to me.
Posted by Jennie Wren Masser on December 9, 2014
Happy 1st Birthday to little Zailee, your mommies heart is breaking today and I pray that God lets you send her a sign to let her know it is all ok and you are blowing out your first Birthday candle with Jesus.
Posted by Louise Gulbis on December 9, 2014
Dear baby girl Zailee. It’s your first birthday in Heaven. And I know you’re happy there.I want you to know your mommy and familly misses you dearly And your absence is really hard for her to bear. Enjoy your self in Heaven with Jesus and friends so dear. Love your fiend Alex's mommy.

Liz Really thinking of you today Wish I could give you a really big hug. I know this day must be so so hard for you. But Know your baby is safe, sound.
Posted by Elizabeth Larson on December 7, 2014
Wow. I know I read those comments before and appreciated them but it felt like I just read them for the first time. They helped me as I enter this extremely difficult time.

I hope Emy had her baby and is over the moon right now. I also hurt for all the losses I read here and have heard about elsewhere. There are so many, too many! I picture all of our beautiful children in Heaven, playing together. I just feel like we all found each other because our children are together and wanted us to bring each other comfort.
Posted by Carrie lingafelter on June 29, 2014
Liz- I still think of you and your beautiful daughters often. I'm sorry to see how hard you're struggling but I'm also hopeful you will find joy in life again soon. I want you to know that by you sharing your story it has made me a better mother- I don't take one day for granted. Zailee has touched my life - I just wanted you to know that. Please take care and know your beautiful angel is always with you. Carrie (Blakeandellasmom from babycenter)
Posted by Deana Atherton on June 18, 2014
Liz please check your Facebook messages! I just sent you one please read it!
Posted by Deana Atherton on May 11, 2014
Liz I thought of you today. I hope you had a good day with Akaia. I do hope you felt your sweet Zailee around you today and that you could feel her love. She is always with you.
Love, Dee (babycenter)
Posted by j sanders on March 13, 2014
Awh my heart aches for you! I have no words....sending hugs and peaceful thoughts. She is beautiful.
Posted by emy guzman on March 11, 2014
Zailee is beautiful. God bless her. Akaia is lucky to have a mom like you. I'm 41 and 38.5 wks pregnant withh my miracle daughter. I only have an 8 yr old daughter so I quickly bonded with your story.  I suffered three losses before this miracle. No words could ever comfort your pain but u have Akaia and I'm so happy u have her by your side. God bless....
Posted by C Hartman on March 10, 2014
HI so sorry for your loss. I do understand what you are going through, as I had the same situation happen to me. It has changed me forever. I am not the same as I was, I am better than I was. I now look at my children I do have, and realize how grateful I am for them each day. It has been four years since I lost my little boy. He was perfect. I think of the time in the hospital that I held him and dreamt of what could have been for him. I know I will see him again. That is what got me through it. I will hold him again some day. He is in a beautiful place and is waiting for us to join him. He is okay. I need to be okay too. Some days I still am not. He was a gift to me and my family. I would never wish that all of it had never happened, even to avoid the pain of it. He was a chapter of our lives that will continue some day. I appreciate life and the little things so much more now. He changed me forever into something much much more than I could have every imaged. May God's peace be with you each day. You are not alone.
Posted by jimmie lou mcfarlin on March 9, 2014
To the mother & family
So sorry for your pain and suffering. Revelation 21:4 say that God will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former thing have passed away. Until that time come, may Jehovah give you'll comfort, 2 cor. 1:3,4
Posted by Nicole Suwinski on March 9, 2014
My heart aches for you. This has been so hard for me to not be able to be there for you....I wish we were closer! I wish I could have jumped on a plane and been right by your side. I love you guys! I know it's not the same, but you are part of our family. If you were still here we would be at those games and swim meets. Keep being strong and amazing and know we are always here for you. <3
Posted by Mary Farmer on March 9, 2014
I am truly so sorry for your loss. What an amazing bond you had with her while pregnant. And what an excruciating loss! The story of how you found out and delivered is just gut-wrenching. She is so beautiful and absolute perfection! There are no words that adequately express my sympathy and heartfelt love, but know that I care and think about you often. ~Mary

Leave a Tribute

 
Recent Tributes
Posted by Mo So on October 14, 2020
I’m sorry. I read about Zailee ur love is obvious. sending u warm hugs and comfort. Xxoo
Posted by Sunya Wright on August 24, 2016
im so very sorry xo My heart goes out to you so much
Posted by lisa burford on April 16, 2015
I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you how this has touched my heart. I suffered a loss at 41 (a surprise pregnancy resulting in early miscarriage) but it was nothing near what you have gone through. I shed tears today for you but I know that your sweet Zailee Marie is in Heaven and when it is your time you will be reunited. I prayed for you and Akaia today that God blesses you both. xo, Lisa
her Life
Due Date:  12/20/13
11 days to go

I stayed up later than usual Sunday night (December 8th) because I was watching the Saints game and I had an appointment the next morning so I could sleep till 8 am. Zailee was with me for the game...I filmed my belly moving all the time and may even have video of her moving around that very night.

When I awoke on Sunday, December 9th, my world was about to be shattered. Zailee moved around the minute I woke up on most days. I had one other day where I didn't feel her right away and got the doppler out and found a good strong heartbeat. So, I didn't feel her right away and was scared but remembered it happened once before so to give her a chance.I drank some orange juice and got my shower. I suddenly felt an urgency to check...she just felt heavy. I went to my room in a towel and starting looking for the heartbeat. I couldn't find it, was frantically searching. I found the faintest heartbeat down low it gave me a tiny bit of hope I was over-reacting. I yelled for my daughter and we jumped in the car. Texted Stuart, Zailee's dad, to meet us there. I flew down the interstate with my hazards on. There was a storm the night before so this was a  little dangerous but I still had that sense of urgency. I called the office because that it was we are told to do. I told them what was happening and that I was on my way and asked where I should go. This was before 9 am and I had my appointment for 9:45.  She said they "would try to fit me in." I said, "If you're not taking me right away I am going to the emergency room.” She said for me not to go to the emergency room and to go to the office. This still infuriates me. Zailee could have been saved! If anything comes of Zailee's death, I hope someone reads this and learns from my mistake! We arrived at the doctor's office before 9 am because I drove like anyone would that was terrified for their child.

I walk up to the window and say "I am the one that called." She told me the ultrasound guy was with someone but he'd call me shortly. I am fully panicked at this point and the office was crowded so my daughter and I went into the hallway. When we saw the sonographer come out, we assumed it was to call us. It wasn't. A blonde and her husband stood up....beaming with happiness. They were going in to see there baby BEFORE ME. He looked at me like I was garbage and said, "Are you ----?" I don't remember the patient's name but the look of disdain he gave me brings this feeling over me like I could kill that guy with my mind. We ended up waiting about an hour. I know it was close to my regular appointment time if not after. When he walked us back, I said "Did they tell you I can't find a heartbeat." He said, "They didn't say anything about the heartbeat just that she hadn't been moving."

holding my breath...

Now for the final moments of please let me be over-reacting, please let my baby be ok, please, please, please...

Akaia and Stuart sat in the seats to my left. The doctor had me lie down and put the gel on my stomach. Then he put the probe on my enormous belly. 


I looked at the monitor...
the flash of ribs...
The beautiful, perfectly symmetrical lines...
I focused my attention into the center...
time stood still...
there was no breathtaking flutter...
It was over
it will never be over
It isn't a line from that moment to this
it's a circle
I DIED INSIDE




I went into shock and was calm.  I looked at Stuart and Akaia and numbly said "she's gone."

Stuart's face, I
 will never forget.  He said "what do you mean she's gone?" I could see his brain grasping for any hope that he wasn't understanding me correctly.

My daughter, she knows me, she knew, as I did during the long wait, something really was wrong. I instantly started to protect her and she instantly started to protect me. Akaia and I are so in sync with each other and have had our relationship described as "cute little co-dependent thing you have going on."  She didn't feel the hurt like I did...like I do and I thank God for that.

They tried to send me home so I could come to terms with what happened. I still don't understand this concept. Can you imagine going into a store and having someone say "congratulations!!"

They were going to induce me but I had been telling this incompetent office that I couldn't have this baby normally from day one. That's the reason I called my doctor in Utah and had them send me the paperwork from Akaia's birth and took it to them. I'm not even sure if they read it. During the c-section, they did confirm I was correct and I would not have been able to have Zailee normally. So, I would have been in labor for DAYS, only to have a c-section anyway. I wouldn't even have the few pictures I have because even after the 7 hours without oxygen, it's heartbreaking.

I demanded a c-section. I stayed awake for procedure because I didn't want Akaia to be scared I was going to die too. It was really rough. I had a bad reaction to the medication and I was shaking so violently, I thought I was going to bite my tongue off. They kept adding warm blankets to me, thinking I was cold and I felt like I was in the infernos of hell, so flaming hot but couldn't tell them because I was shaking.

At 4:45 pm, Zailee's body was removed from mine. They allowed Stuart and Akaia to be in operating room with me. Akaia was so amazing and strong. She actually looked over and saw me disassembled. Akaia was the first to see her and looked at me and said "She looks like us mom."

We spent the evening with Zailee and someone came in and took pictures. Stuarts parents came in. His mother tried to assuage her guilt by apologizing for how she treated me. Too little, too late. Stuart left and I didn't see him again until I needed a ride home a few days later.

Zailee stayed in the room with us overnight. Akaia and I decided to have Zailee cremated and that last goodbye was so hard for us.

Akaia was unbelievable those few days and always. The staff at the hospital couldn't believe her strength and compassion. They took her with them for holiday meals and brought her anything she needed. She is my angel here on earth. I love her more than words can express.

Recent stories
Shared by Elizabeth Larson on December 3, 2019
Hi you.  This is hell week but I’m somehow ok.

I’ve met so many people over the last 6 years and a lot of them have really sucked. A few of them, have been special and I think they have helped me.  They didn’t have to do anything other than be themselves. Be my friend. Be good people with good energy. Some have thought they were good people but I knew they weren’t and I let them hurt me but since I’ve had time to reflect, I’ve let that go.

 Of course, I’m always aware of my inner turmoil and I’m always working to get better. I just feel like I am finally in a good place. I’m proud of myself. I overcame a lot. I was so utterly alone and I overcame it. 

I am not deluded enough to think life is going to be easy from here on out. I know I will still struggle every day with different things but ... I don’t know, maybe I don’t hate myself as much as I thought I did. I might even love me.
Shared by Elizabeth Larson on August 22, 2019
Today would have been your first day of kindergarten. I can’t stop picturing you running away from me with your tiny backpack :(

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Shared by Elizabeth Larson on July 26, 2019
It’s all my fault. I should have raced to the emergency room and had them cut me open right away. I didn’t want to make a scene.

I heard a heartbeat low in my belly. I’m 100% sure I did. All this time I was thinking that was my heartbeat in the umbilical cord but that doesn’t make sense. That was you, still alive. 

You were in distress, without a doubt but I should have done everything within my power to save you. You were worth making a scene.