Story continued on HER LIFE
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Ongoing blog (somewhat censored so they don't commit me) in STORIES
I didn't just lose a baby, I lost my future, all my hopes and dreams. I lost my only chance to have a family. I lost my only chance to give my older daughter, Akaia, a sibling. She doesn't have family. No one comes to her soccer games or swim meets. Akaia only has me. I was hoping this baby, Zailee, was going to make her part of more. That a blood tie would somehow solidfy our place in the family. Now, that hope is all gone. We are once again, on our iceberg floating free, separate from the rest of the world.
I found out I was pregnant, in April 2013 and it was a SHOCK. I was on birth control and my boyfriend had a vasectomy scheduled. Neither of us wanted another child. I thought the baby was meant to be. I got really excited. For the next 22 weeks, my home life was less than pleasant. My boyfriend didn't want the baby. He and his family didn't hide that they thought I was ruining his life. I had to stay strong and keep telling him "he would see, she was our miracle." After the ultrasound and tests that showed she was healthy and a GIRL, he started to get excited too. He has two boys to his ex-wife. They had different parenting styles and it was a constant battle. He realized raising a child with me would be an entirely different experience and the five of us started to feel like a family. We were pretty happy. His sons and I put Zailee's furniture together, we all cut down and decorated our Christmas tree. I will never forget wrapping Zailee's Christmas presents and putting them under the tree.
With every ounce of my soul, I was Zailee...Zailee...Zailee. Constantly on my mind. I planned and bought everything she would need and many things she didn't need but she was my miracle, she deserved the world. I sang to her, talked to her, tickled my belly when she was moving around. I was so in sync with her, we were one. I would flip over while sleeping, then pause and wait for her to re-adjust before falling back to sleep.
You read this and you think you understand...you don't understand. She was everything to me. I am broken without her. All my life people saw something special in me. A love for the little things. A light in my eyes. That light went out with Zailee's last heartbeat. I will never be the same. I am a shattered version of who I used to be. Every breath I take is for Akaia. I can assure you, without her, I would not be on this earth still.