4.18.22 9:22
LOST
HER
MIND!!!
Not like after you died and that is why I didn't understand. I kept thinking, THIS doesn't make sense, obviously, I was way more sad THEN and even though I was devastated and didn't want to live, my mind didn't crack. Like I can be walking around, saying and doing stuff, watching myself from one eye and my body and mouth and hands and other eye are doing all the stuff I don't want to do. Like being drunk and irrational, when you remember the next day BUT I AM LIVING IT OUT LIVE!!!!
TODAY!!! I think, I discovered it was the ADHD medicine I started taking in November. I have BPD but the medicine increased the symptoms by sooooo much. It's been so freaking awkward!!!
CVS couldn't fill it with my other prescriptions, so I had to skip a few days and I got BETTER. I thought it was therapy. At the beginning of a 2-hour group, I took my first pill. By the end of the group, I was acting SKETCHY AF. I remember there was like a second me, being like "you seeing THIS CRAZY? Take a mental note!
Then I spiraled - not reliving that here. Embarrassing. Hopefully LAST TIME!
I am updating this on the 21st because originally I had to stop because I was sick from quitting. Feeling way better and comparatively, I feel calmmmm. I don't think I will ever be calm but maybe the withdrawal time is calmer because my energy level is pretty low. There has been some stressors.
I will update about Sam - wow - later.
Miss you, love you. Hope you're looking out for me. I'm going to REALLY NEED you for a bit. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. We owe it to Akaia. That was hard on her. THIS is hard on her. She loved you so much.
I'm sorry I picked such selfish fathers for both of you. In reality, I thought I didn't deserve better. I KNOW better now and hopefully I learn to see the difference and hold my boundaries. Can you help me? Show me the way with someone? I can handle the truth. You know I can handle ANYTHING!
You are so beautiful, my fairy Zailee!!!
Life isn't fair and it's too bad for us.