It's been a tough couple days.  I love and miss you :'(

I miss you so much :'(

Another year, without you :'(  I miss you more than words can express.

This is it.  The final hours until it will be 2 years since you left me and went to Heaven. In 2 hours, starts the 9 hour window of when you passed.  You were kicking away while I watched the saints, went to bed at midnight, woke up a bit before 8.  Felt like something was wrong but I did find a low, slow heartbeat on my Doppler after 8 am.  It was either something else, or possibly your last few heartbeats.

My heart feels very sad today.  Your sissy has been very supportive, hugging me when I cry and comforting me.  Her and I are spending the day together tomorrow. Working on your cake.  I have it all planned out, let's just hope it all goes according to plan.  

I will be back tomorrow to wish you a Happy Birthday and post a picture of your cake.  I love you and miss you.  

Hi my sweet baby angel.  Your second birthday in Heaven is quickly approaching.  I never ever thought I was going to be ok again.  I still miss you so much but amazingly, I can breathe again.  Sometimes I feel guilty when I feel kinda happy but then I remember, there is no one that would think I didn't grieve long enough or hard enough.  I know you're in Heaven and you know how much I love you and you're happy I can almost be happy again.  Yes, almost.  You are still always right there, part of everything I do.  I love you so much, miss you so much and am so thankful I have you watching out for your sister and I.  

My heart breaks every day.  I miss you so much. Hiding my pain and trying to act 'normal' is often very hard. When someone talks about a new baby or one on the way, it is very, very, very hard to smile and pretend it's not breaking my heart.  I must be doing a good job because people don't realize and continue to come to me to tell me about shower plans and stuff they bought.  I am happy for others but it hurts so much to hear.  Maybe these small steps are getting me ready at a slow pace for the future.  If I ever have a grand baby, I wanna be able to be excited about it.  For now, I got my Gizzy and my Kai.

I see signs of you around me all the time.  I need them so stay with me baby girl.  

I assure you, I haven't forgotten you.  I decided a couple weeks ago to just stop feeling sorry for myself.  When I feel those feelings creeping into my heart, I push them away. 

I still think of you, every single day.  I often smile when I do.  I will be back, now and then but I can't come so much and pour my heart out, drain my eyes of all my tears and break my heart again.  I need to heal my heart to be better for your sister and make you proud of me.

I used to think I was a pathetic loser, with the help of your family and mine, telling me to get over it (starting 2 weeks after I lost you.)  I now realize they are crazy.  2 weeks!  It took me 80 weeks to see a future again.  Now, I realize I have overcome a lot and I'm proud of myself.  I have a long way to go but ...  this part of my life, could've ended up so much worse.  I think there might just be strength in me, I didn't realize I had.

I love you my baby girl.  My sweet Zailee-kins.   Oh God I love you so much and miss you so much.  

I cry every, single day still.  Usually more than 3 times.  This is so hard, I am exhausted.

Today it has been exactly 1 1/2 years or 18 months.  It's going to be a hard day for me.  

 

Fireworks last week, after the carnival.  I sat in my room and cried because I am supposed to be taking you to see them and you'd either be scared or super excited to see them.

Miss you, love you

I am working an excruciating temporary job, while looking for a better one.  Last week I heard a co-worker say something about her grandbaby being 1 1/2.  A conversation ensued about how hard that age is.  What I wouldn't give to have you here, driving me bananas.  ANYTHING!  I would give anything, except Kai, of course. I don't think I will ever stop noticing children around the age you would be...and fighting back the tears.  I've had to get up several times and go compose myself in the bathroom.  The job is so boring, gives me too much time to let my mind wander to sad things.

I had a dream the other night that I sold my soul to go back in time, while I was still pregnant and have you be born and be healthy.  When I first jumped back to that time, at first, I still remembered everything that happened and I was sooooo relieved it was over and I got to have you.  So, comes the question, would it be worth it?  Logically, if I was able to sell my soul to the devil, then Heaven must be real and I want to spend forever with you and Akaia.  So, as much as I want it, it's not worth giving up forever to have you for a short time on earth.

I miss you so much!!  I am still shocked by the amount of pain people live through every day.  Before my grief journey started, I thought I knew but I was so wrong. 

We miss you so much. Last week, your sis and I saw a little boy that was born exactly one week before your birthday.  Kai and I watched him play at the hair salon.  When we got home and Kai was doing gymnastics, we talked about how amazing it would be to have you there with us, totn around.  We still talk about you so much, I think every day.  

I have tried so hard to find happiness again.  I am getting really tired.  Everything has become so difficult.  I don't want to try anymore.  I still live for Akaia and that's it.  

(5/25:  she is pretty amazing and worth living for...thought I should add that.  Love my cats too <3)

I just found out your sister was watching a video in health and they showed a baby being born in the hospital.  She totally lost it and was bawling  :'(

She is probably scarred. 




Attached is picture of one of the Bleeding Hearts that just bloomed.  I was taking this picture when her and her friend told me what happened. 

I was sitting in the sun today, looking toward Main Street.  There is a little brick house on Main that has a white, upstairs balcony.  I lived there when I was a little girl.  Probably 5 or 6 years old.  I remember jumping in leaves in that yard.  I have a picture of me, as that little girl, standing In that yard. I am smiling in the picture.  I was usually smiling a beaming smile.

As I was sitting in the yard today, thinking of that time, it broke my heart to think of that younger me, so happy, so innocent, having no idea that the house where her heart would shatter forever was right behind her.

I then looked at Akaia and saw happiness in her eyes. The thought that someday, something so awful could shatter her heart, brought me physical pain.  She's had enough going through this with me.  Please watch over her, guide her and help her to have a good life.  I want to take all the pain she might have to feel in life and endure it for her.  She lost you, she doesn't need to lose more.

Your big sister needs you to watch over her, baby girl.  

I love you so much.

I am going through a little rough patch.  Really missing you again.  The job possibilities aren't over but there is no current activity.  That gives me too much time to think. 

If there was anything I could do to get you back, I would do it but obviously, there isn't. So, seems like keeping busy is the only way to keep on living.  I still miss you when I have stuff to do but it doesn't overwhelm me.  Hopefully, I get a job soon.

As always, love and miss you.

Hi my sweet baby girl.  I went to a jewelry party today and there was a 4 month old baby girl there.  I wasn't expecting a baby when I walked in but as I stepped in the door, I saw the cutest, tiny socked feet kicking up from the couch.

I am soooo happy to say, it didn't devastate me.  My first reaction wasn't to remember you but to think, 'what a cute baby.'  Actually is was more like 75% of my reaction was cute baby with a parallel thought of you and a fear of waiting for the pain to hit me.  It didn't overwhelm me! I held her a lot too.

This does not mean I miss you less!  It just means I can think of you and love you and miss you without having it destroy me.  I know I will still have bad days but I feel like I can be a strong person again. 

It was right around this time, 2 years ago that I got pregnant with you.  Only two years!!  It's weird how I don't remember much from the first year (after you died) and my mind was basically vacant but it still feels like it was several decades.  

I miss you and love you so much,  I am so hopeful I can finally make you proud of me. 

Mommy is trying so hard to find a job so your sister and I can move and have a life again.  One thing I dream about is finally being able to set up/hang up your things.  I have lots and have started leaning toward a butterfly theme
I had an interview yesterday, I took your charm necklace and ashes with me in my purse.  I miss you so much!  

Gizzy has been getting sick lately.  It has been a fight to keep him alive but if we can get it figured out, he will be fine.  Please look over us.  He is one of the few joys I have every day.  I leaned on his unconditional love so much after you went to Heaven.  

Miss you and love you!! 

15 months ago, I went to bed, happy and excited to see you soon...only to wake up to be changed forever.  I think of you constantly, my sweet baby girl <3

I know I don't get to spend my life with you, but we really should be able to visit once a year.  This is killing me...

No matter how exhausted I am, there are so many nights that sleep eludes me.  I am haunted by flash visions of driving to the hospital, waiting in the hallway for them to take us seriously, that final ultrasound, your sister's face, your father's voice, following the nurse to the elevators, numb and then getting dizzy and thinking I was going to pass out, waiting in the room for 4 o'clock to arrive, the 3 of us preparing for the procedure, sitting on the table in the OR with my back and butt fully naked and large, visible every time they opened the door to Akaia and Stuart waiting in the hall, all of us dreading what was to come.  I have to block out the next series of visions, shake myself to stop them, not allow them to shred my soul again and again. 

Then, leaving the hospital, the reality that the car seat had been removed, that my new life as a mom that lost her baby to death began.

It has been so long.  536 days and I still have an empty, gaping hole in my existence.  I miss every single second I should have with you.  I miss the sound of your laughter, the touch of your chubby little hands, your smile when I adoringly look at you and make some silly noise, your joy in experiencing new things.  I miss the look on Akaia's face when she would walk in from school, see her baby sister and be so excited to see you, love on you.  Then we would take turns hogging your attention.  You would've had the best big sister ever!  We've been robbed of countless kisses from you.

I will never have peace in my mind again.  There is no drug, no fun, no sleep, no place and no one that can quiet my mind, ease the ache in my heart and dry the tears that are always ready to spill from my eyes.  For 536 days, I have had some days with laughter but every single day has had sadness and tears.  Tears are running down my face, over my chin and down my neck as I sit here typing this.  I will never have peace again. 

I love you, I miss you.  Saw a commercial with a toddler playing with toys today.  Made me wonder what you would have been doing at that very moment.  Giggling, I am sure,  your sister giggled so much when she was small...I can be pretty silly.  I hope you see how much I want you here with me.

I smile a smile that never reaches my heart.

I feel my heart crying, hot tears that carve rivers of sorrow into my soul.

My sadness is a puddle around my ankles, rising deeper without you.

I fight the desire to lie down in that puddle and give up.
 

I have been having dreams that you're crying and I can't find you.  I would say they are nightmares but at the same time I am frantically searching, I am just so happy I can hear you and that you're close.

I rarely read anything i have written from the beginning or even months ago. I just read the first page.  Sad to say but I was right.  I am broken and the joy I used to feel is gone.

For awhile, when I first 'came back' to reality, things seemed more beautiful, funnier, just better in general than being in the fog I was in for almost a year.  Now, things have evened out and I just dont see that anymore. Shows I used to like seem silly or pointless.  Stuff on computer, boring...games, really boring!  I definitely DO NOT want to go out, EVER.  I haven't drank in half a year and the thought still makes me gag or shiver...not interested.  

I never feel your presence.  All your stuff just leaves me feeling empty, lonely and cheated.  I wish I knew I would see you again.  I, at least know, at some point, I can go to sleep and never have to awaken to this pain, this broken heart again..

I have been getting by, barely. I have just had to stop speaking out loud about you.  I can't even get the words out without crying. I did ok for a week or so after your birthday, now I don't know what has went wrong. I saw your cousin, Tessa, for the first time in years, maybe reliving it by telling her reopened the wounds. 

Not sure why today was hard.....maybe cuz I didnt get enough sleep!

I have been lying here for hours, unable to go to sleep, crying and missing you. It feels like the pain I felt in the beginning.

A few minutes ago, I picked up your big sister's phone and did a little mama scan to make sure she was being safe on instagram.  I saw pix from her birthday party, a couple weeks before we lost you. I looked at them and then was going to see her face in pix after, see if she changed. I stumbled across a pic of her wrapping the toilet paper around us (me and you,sweet baby Zailee) to guess how big we were at the baby shower.  On the caption she wrote "baby shower was amazing."  That's pretty heartbreaking.  She was so so so excited to have a baby sister.  When I told her I was pregnant, she got really serious and said something like, you better be for real, like it was too amazing for her to believe it, she had to make quadruple sure I was telling the truth.  Then she beamed with happiness. 

Wow!  I was HUGE!!! 

Sometimes it feels like, I have really suffered and worked so hard to try to live again, so I should be getting you back now...because I earned it.  :(

I put a show on from DVR yesterday, while I was cleaning.  The story line was about a fertility doctor that gave women patients HCG.  A hormone found in pregnancy, the hormone that makes pregnancy tests come up positive.  So, of course, their tests were positive.  They would come in for their confirmation ultrasound and they would check for baby, if there wasn't one, they would say something like "let me make this clearer", flip a switch and put up a fake ultrasound.  They would stop giving patient HCG, she would either have her period or there would be no baby on next ultrasound.  OMG - That is not a good storyline for a show.  I had a late term loss so I don't know that exact feeling but soo many women I have talked to have had that kind of loss and felt it!  The thought of grieving for a child that was never there is unfathomable!  NOT COOL!  I just stared at the tv with wide eyes like I was seeing an accident.

Ok, another thing on tv this morning.  On GMA, a doctor came on saying sonograms could be dangerous to babies in the womb.  She said we don't know the long term effects and it should never be done for "fun" and only if needed.  I tweeted her and asked if the weekly ultrasounds could've caused Zailee extra activity and then caused the knot.  I did pay for one ultrasound for "fun" and when I heard this story, my face got hot and I felt like I could faint.  Was it my fault???  She wrote back and said there was no evidence of that BUT  if something is dangerous, it's dangerous.  It's doesn't make it NOT dangerous if you need it.  It would be like chemo only being poison if you don't have cancer.  It's poison no matter what!!

I think because I am so IN this experience, I am oversensitive to the media that doesn't seem to be researched and considering what effect it will have on people.  I am betting, they do this with other things too, it's just I don't feel the impact because I am not living that situation.  I am ready for a simpler time.  I love technology but I don't think it is always a good thing.  How wonderful to have family as entertainment, to work the land to provide for your family with the things they need... children aren't shooting children...  Oh how things seem out of control on this planet. 

Zailee, I can feel your peace and happiness in my heart. 

Today seemed to be better.  Like a weight was off my shoulders.  I knew I was sad but didnt't realize how terrified I was for the anniversary of those few days.

I did quite a bit of cleaning today, worked on some crafts and now I am lying in bed, holding my Z-bear.  I held her every night for months after..like 6+ months.  Then I just got to a different kind of low...like it had been so long with so much sadness and aloneness that I was breaking apart.  Now, I am ready to find joy again.

Ellen's mom wrote me again today..  That really means so much to me.  I DID cry again, but that's ok.  I never really understood how hard life must've been for Ellen.  After suffering through my own severe mental issues, I have a new respect for her.  She was such a kind and giving person, even with all the stuff she had to deal with.  I didn't tell her this when she was here.  I made some mistakes with her but I always tried to accept her for who she was.  I walked to the mailbox around 8 & saw a light in in her old apartment.  That always sends a little ping of sadness to my heart.  We all hope you two are together in Heaven.  

I got the cutest thing for the area with all your stuff in mail today.  I will try to put them up and get a picture tomorrrow.

Ok, I am going to read some more and then it's time for our nightly snugglefest.

Love love love love love love love love love you!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's over.  I really, really have to try to be better!  I almost cried this morning but then decided to fight it and didn't allow myself to cry.  I don't know if that is healthy or not but I just have to work at it and make you proud of me...and making your sister proud of me and give her a good life.

Kisses times infinity squared!!! 

Today wasn't as bad as I expected.  I guess to anyone that saw me running out of your father's room because I was crying and then sitting on the stairs and sobbing, wouldn't think that was true, but it is. Your dad was extra supportive the last couple days, which has honestly helped so much!

I also spent hours and hours working on your cake.  I was happy with the fondant and the idea I created in my head but for whatever crazy reason, the cake didn't work.  I was making a cake using a bigger glass pan and the edges were done but the middle wasn't.  So then I tried making a white cake, from scratch, first time.  Same thing happened again.  So I had to cut the done pieces off the two cakes and it wasn't big enough for the decorations.  Good thing, it kept my mind so busy I had less time to think.

I am sad but I also feel,so happy when I think about how beautiful you were...a cute snug bug all wrapped up in your blankie.  I can see you lying in that bed like it was yesterday.  I can only think you are here comforting me.  Zailee, I miss you so much.  I love you so much.  More than anyone could ever know.  You are always, ALWAYS in my heart.  Oh please let Heaven be real so I can be with you again! 

Well, it's getting close to the last time I felt you move.  Today is rough.  I am trying so hard to stay distracted but I find myself looking at the clock a lot.

I was just reading Akaia one of Ellen Degeneres' books.  She didn't realize what it was but was really laughing...then Ellen referred to herself and Kai's smile got even bigger.  I have wanted Ellen's books for years and kept giving hints for someone to buy me an amazing gift but it never happened.  I thought tonight was a good time to buy it for myself.  (By hints I mean I told them.)

I think I dreaded this day too much and made it harder for myself.  I am scared to let myself be ok. When I realize I am not thinking about it, it hits me like a train.  By 10 am tomorrow, I knew you were gone.  I only had to wait until 4:45 pm for the doctor to get you out.  I really hurt for people that have to be in labor for days.  As awful as it was, I DO feel like a lot worked out to make it easier for me...not that it could ever be easy.  One thing is that I am glad you never had to suffer through being born.  That has to be super traumatic!!  I feel for the babies that suffer that, just to leave hours or days later.  

I know you know this, you've seen me suffer every day for almost a year, but I love you so much.  You are still so much a part of me.  I would have given my life a million times for you to have been happy.  Hopefully that is what I AM doing.  It's worth it. I know others are thinking of you tonight.  I hope you feel all the love so many have for you.  So so so many hugs and kisses, sweet baby girl.

  I just looked at the computer and saw the date.  It was one year ago I had my last appointment, before the day you went to Heaven.  I really felt like 12/5 should've been your birthday.  You would be here today if they would've scheduled it.  Well, no, I can't know that for sure.

I don't remember what I did on that appt...I can't imagine I would've had an ultrasound...no wait, I did have one.  I remember now,  it was with the high risk doctor and the tech told me how her son had a true knot.   She told me this because I was concerned about umbilical cord issues and she even showed me your neck on the ultrasound. No cord around the neck.  How I wish I could kiss that cute little neck!  Ugh...so many signs I ignored!  Oh I was sooo excited for you to be born soon!!

I am glad I feel at peace that you weren't meant to be here.  I still miss you like crazy and that hurts but the acceptance that things are how they should be is better than fighting against it.  

It's been too long for me to hurt this much.  Please help me to find my way <3

Well, here we go. It is one year from the last few days I got to spend with you.  I am really dreading this.  

We still really need to get our own place and away from these personalities that completely conflict with ours.  I wonder if that would have meant you were well rounded.  I know I can't really heal until we get out of here. I also know I couldn't make it through an interview without crying.  I really feel like things will get better after I pass the anniversary...the last day you were alive on this earth.  I hope I am not deluding myself because I won't know what to do.  I feel so much more positive about the possibility of a good future for Akaia and myself.  Well, sometimes.

I am not sure what I should do to honor you on your birthday.  I should probably figure it out cuz whatever it is, I wanna do it every year.  Your sister and I are much, much better.  I really can feel you with us too.  I hope you are free and happy beyond words, wherever you are.  I miss you more than anyone could know. I love you sweet baby girl ❤️

It's so hard for me...I miss you.  I got your pink bleeding heart bulbs in mail today...gonna plant this weekend.  Already planted the forget me nots.  One even bloomed this year, I threw a seed in a pot and kept it in house.  

I have never felt any peace when it comes to you.  I have never felt it was for the best.  I tell myself it wasn't meant to be but I don't really believe that.  I don't feel anything, which leads me to believe, I won't see you again.  I can't stand the thought of that.

I NEEEEED HELP!  I need to find a way to move on...I'm stuck! 

It kinda makes more sense why this world has crazy things happen.  Pain like this...so many people feel it, it's no wonder people lose it and do bad things.  

It honestly feels to me that no one hurts as bad as I do losing you.  That my situation was special, because I thought you were my miracle, I can't have another, I wanted to have a family...you were so far along.  All these things are true but I know there are other people who have grief just as bad and worse than mine.  Why am I so weak?!?!  I thought I was strong. 

This is a picture of Akaia...3 days older than Zailee would be now.