ForeverMissed
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His Life

funeral

October 9, 2014

the day of his funeral as family and friends gathered to comfort us it was hard bc i still felt numb knowing he was in heaven i wondered if he missed us but i knew no bc he was diff and not suffering but i knew no matter what his love was with me always and my loves with him i knew he couldnt stay but if he could have he would i know god knows better then me and he chose,us to b his parents and i will lay down my life for god bc ide b afraid not too bc my chouce is heaven and no matter what ppl think god is real ide,rather spend my life life knowing then die not knowing god i am thankful for every second every minute of him letting me live with every heartbeat i thank god bc without god makes one weak i feel syrong bc of him who laid down his life so that i can live thank you jesus thank you god

THe final day

October 9, 2014

i woke up got kids off to school and scott was up feeding zechariah then getting ready for work he didnt wanna go yet but he had too so i was holding zechariah as hewas getting ready i was looking at him as he stared at me i told him i know the time was near i knew he was gonna go to a majical place scott came over sat beside me as zechariah just stared at us he stared and when scott got up kissed him all ocer hislil cheeks zechariah just stared it was that moment i knew he was getting a good look and he was getting ready to go i held him the whole time he was breathing hard and i changed him scott had already left to go to worm i just held our lil boy tight kissing him singing to him just loving him as he took his last breath in my arms i didnt cry freak out or nothing it was planned by god to happen that way although at time i didnt know if i did everything right to this day i know i did my best and did what god askrd i remember calling bonnie to come and she called scott to come home from work and he did we,all knew that he was gone home to god i just wanted him to know i loved him and didnt wanna b selfish so i gave him back to god bc he wasnt mone he was borrowed and today is hard still but i know gods always with me thank.you lord 

my days at home with mommy and daddy

October 9, 2014

the time at home was scary but so good bc we,loved being out of the hospital we were so careful holding zechariah had to make sure ppl didnt come over sick or smoked all that stuff we always,worried of course,daddy was quite the dr i never,seena father care so much for a special needs angel as scott did he was inlove,with that lil boy he kissed him lots and zechariah fekt us and seen us,when drs said he couldnt he did i fekt his love and he cooed and made happy nouses it was amazibg bc i know he seen gos and angeks that,were waiting for him i wasnt ready to say goodbye but i knew soon i would have too even tho it was hard i know it was gonna b ok he knew we loved him and just wanted what,was best for him



hospital nicu

October 9, 2014

zechariah was in giraffe pod and dr jones and dr suzanne lopez were the drs i met suzanne before zechariah was born so the plan was do what you could do so she did what we wanted for our baby she tried so hard her and dr jones and kim cole so many drs surrounding us and our baby with love it felt good just seeing how they cared when not alot of drs are that way but still they were awesome dr lopez explained everything they did the eegs the mr ct scan showing he only had twenty percent brain risdues all his airways were blocked bc it didnt form correctky they explained everything they worked hard but after all that they needed us to make decision to take him off the vent and just see what happens bc ther was nothibg else they could do so we talked to family got everyone togeather and on october sixth 2011 took him off vent we was in marnys room at time such a beautiful room where i felt peace that day he got tubes out i left room bc i was afraid i didnt wanna let him go yet i wanted more time and thst day he turned purple god brought him back and gave us more time it was a miracle i knew i had to trust god that he wasnt trying to hurt me and that day was filled with tears and smiles and just so much to b thankful for i got to stay in marnys room with zechariah my husbabd tried the cut pacifiar to hold his mouth open so he could breathe i was scared for zechariah bc i never wanted hom to suffer i wanted him to b a happy loved baby boy i loved him so much and even more now but i did get my time with him he got to come home on hospice for a week it was awesome....

the time has come

October 9, 2014

i was standing in kitchen eating icecream when fluid leaked out it was alil.puddle i thought my water broke so i told my husbabd and he told my aunt she took us to hispital immediately i had began started to feel contractions slowly but surely i remember being so nervous this was it and i wasnt sure what would gappen i had no idea how much time ide get with him we both were so scared and in tears but also tears,of joy bc i didnt wanna stress during labor i.got to hospital and they checked me and was gonna send me home saying i dilated only 1 my.husbabd was like that cant b right last visit was two and another nurse checked me saying no it was 4 and eighty percent effaced they were admitting me and inducing rest of way and i got epidural few min,later as,well i remember pushing which seemed like forever i was tired sweaty i remember so many drs coming in i knew my baby would have the best care possiable we,were in a great hospital after pushing finally at 10:03 pm.september 26th 2011 zechariah was born he came out crying and georgeous but after he stopped crying he turned blue they had to intubate him they brought him to me for a quick kiss but had to take him up to third floor i wanted to hold him so much but i knew i coukdnt at that time it was a,waiting time before i could see him it sucked i was impatient i didnt wanna b without him so many thoufhts thru my mind i fekt so overwhelmed with decisions ide b making i felt alone at times praying to god saying im sorry for whatever i did please,put it on me not my.baby i just,wanted him in the room with us i didnt know ge would b that bad i thank bonnie for staying the night in the hospital with us it meant so much








august 2011

October 9, 2014

more drs appountments blood work continued uktrasounds he was growing the way they wanted but he had a nose,that didnt form correctly he had a dimple he had close,set eyes cyclopia sort of from the ultrasound pics going to every dr appointment always gave me hope when.they woukd say he was growing properly although it was unexpected i do know i stressed more but enjoyed every moment listening to every heartveat feeling every kick sommersault ide do it all over if i had too i had found out i had a brother that passed away from same thing so having my moms support meant the world to my husband and i she helped us still to this day ..

july 2011

October 9, 2014

a month after waiting i finally get to go get my level two ultrasound my.cousin bonnie myles went with us which im glad she did bc that day ill never get over during the ultrasound the tech wasnt saying much exceot its a boy i was like awwww and then she finished and dr came in explaining thibgs and saying we need to talk to genescist which we did that day it wasnt good when four genescist came in talking about what they found during ultrasound our baby had lil brain tissue he was diagnosed with alobar holoprosencephaly alobar yeah a big word i had never heard of before that day all drs could say was to terminste nothing positive i was in shock as my husbabd cried we prayed but i still wasnt sure they were even making sense i delt like no it was a dream and i was ready for them.to say it was a mistake that everything was find i needed god more then ever that day and i know since that day gods made me stronger but no yest or ultrasounds were going to take what he had,away our son was gonna b born and only.god could fix it i remember them saying ibwas high risk at that point he could come early they said but i was ready no matter what but deep inside all i could think was no this isnt happening i rememver becoming close with families for hope wow so many children had this and was alive striving and some passed away but regardless the support was so amazing i cant express how my life has changed but having zechariah giving him a chance at lufe made me so happy

zechariahs life

October 9, 2014

First of all i wanna say this has been hard for me I never expected to carry a child andlose him but throughout this entire experience god has given me strength to carry on let me tell you im a mother of four other children when we found out we were expecting another child we were excited we planned just like any parents woukd not knowing we would onky have a short time with our child we just had planned everything i wanted a girk but always said as,long as the babys happy and healthy notjing else mattered i rdmember my first dr appointnent i was excited i remember walking in like it was yesterday the dr was ready to see me i got my vitals checked just like any other appointment for patients i never wanyed my first appointment to look bad but that day the dr,wasnt getting a heartbeat so immediately he got ultrasound and i was scared then i saw him dr,said theres heartbeat but then noticed something else and said hmmm we need to schefule you a level two ultrasound but he said dont worry so i went home wondering if he was ok they just told me there was more fluid then.brain but only a level two ultrasound could tell more i was scaredÂ