November 30th 2010 started off like every other Tuesday; I had my routine 39 week doctor's appointment. Aiden didn't go to school that day because they were doing staff meetings in that building. We took the city bus up to the doctor's office. Just like every other doctor's appointment, he checked my cervix; I was 2cm, he measured my belly; I was measuring at 43 weeks, then he checked for her heartbeat with the doppler; he couldn't find it. He left the room to get a different doppler. I looked at Marc with a frown and said "He can't find her heartbeat", Marc told me that it was okay and she was probably just positioned weird. The doctor came back in and checked again with the new doppler; still nothing. He took us down the hall into his ultrasound room to see if he could find it. He showed us where her chest was and said there is no heartbeat. I burst into tears. He told us to go to an imaging center where they have better machines and they will check again. If he was wrong and she was ok then they would induce me to be safe, if he was right and she was gone then they would wait until Friday to induce me. I was a bit mad when he told me that. Why would he let me carry around a dead baby for 3 days?

We left the doctor's office to go to the imaging center. My older sister lives across the street from the doctor's office so I quickly went over to her house. My niece answered the door because her school was closed too. I was still crying and asked where her mom was, she was in her room. Her boyfriend was in there getting dressed so I had to wait for him to come out. It seemed like it took forever. When he came out, I went in. My sister was in bed because she works overnights and got done work at 6:30am. I ran into her room and sat next to her crying. She asked what was wrong and I screamed, "They can't find her heartbeat!" She sat upright in bed and hugged me so tight. She called my mom to come give me a ride to the imaging center. It seemed like a super long ride. We finally got there and they took us into the room. The technician told us that she had to do a full exam and we couldn't see the screen and she wouldn't tell us what was going on. She left the room to see if the doctor needed more pictures. They both came back in and told us she was gone. I hurried up and got dressed and left the room as fast as I could. They asked if I needed anything and I told them I just wanted to go home. I ran into the waiting room and told my mom that she was gone. We left the building and stood outside crying together for about 15 minutes. We left to go home and my mom had to go back to work. It was about 1pm when we got home and by 1:45 I was having bad contractions every 2-3 minutes. My sisters came to check on me and I had them take me to L&D. We got there at about 2pm and I immediately told the nurses that she was gone. They were very supportive and kind. They did the normal labor procedure, except they didn't put the heart monitor on since they knew it would be silent. I sat in the room with my family and had nurses coming in and out to check on me and draw blood. They checked my cervix and I was 4cm. They gave me an epidural at around 4pm and broke my water at 5. I was ready to push by about 5:30 and Zoie was born at 5:53pm. I hoped so bad that she would cry or something but she stayed silent. They gave her to me and I couldn't stop crying. She was so beautiful but her body was so limp and lifeless. Her skin looked like it was ripping; later I found out that it means she was gone for more than 8 hours but less than 2 days.

Zoie stayed in the room with us for the rest of the day. I couldn't stop crying or looking at her. I didn't want to ever let her go. Aiden was in the hospital with us for most of the day before he left with my sister after Zoie arrived. The nurses let him watch TV in an empty room with my sister. After Zoie came, Marc went in to explain to Aiden that Zoie had died and he wouldn't be able to see her. He threw a huge fit, so Marc brought him in to look at her. He didn't cry and he touched her head. It was so sad watching him look at her. He doesn't understand what happened. Marc's mom was planning to come down and help us with Aiden after Zoie was born and since Zoie was gone, she started driving as soon as she could. We kept Zoie in the room with us until she showed up which was about 11pm. I saw the pain in her eyes as soon as she looked at her. When we finally agreed to let the nurses take her, they came back to tell us that she was 20 1/2 inches long and weighed 8lbs 12 1/2oz. I didn't eat anything until almost 1 in the morning and I was only sleeping in 10-minute intervals. I remember waking up at about 4am and a nurse came in to check on me. I was sitting up crying and she brought me in a memory box that they put together for Zoie. It had footprints, a lock of hair, pictures, clothes, and a blanket. That box is so special to me now. It feels like my whole world is in that little box. We have a ton of pictures of our angel and I miss her more than anything. I think about her every second of every day and I wish so badly that I could just hold her and kiss her. I don't know how I can continue on with my life without my little girl by my side but I know I need to do the best I can for Aiden.