Today I Matter Photo Project-Mental health and Substance Use Disorder

So deep

The months are now at 33, all these days continue but I don't get to see you or hear you. Your sister is 9 and has changed so much. Baylee is getting old but still does all the tricks that you taught her, she is very loved and we miss you so much Ant. I am in my second year of college, so weird when I was at Gateway and would run into your friends...I want to do everything you didn't get a chance to do, I want to live better than I have ever, so hard to do but you give me life, I love you my baby box..

Mom

I just exist now Aj, I am wandering endlessly with no destination, I love you and miss you more than anyone cares or knows, I am trying to find faith again so I can find you

You are 22 in heaven but still my boy, I love you Anthony, I hope whereever you are you are happy or at least in peace, god knows you didnt have much on earth. How have you been gone almost two years, It feels like a day and it feels like forever

Nothing happy about it, I love you, thought about you all day, Sarah left bracelets where you are, xoxo baby

II don't know where to find you and I'm always looking

I don't have adequate words to explain how much it hurts to know I have forever to get through not hugging my boy again, your always in my mind and heart Ant, love you forever, mom

There is no sound when your heart breaks

Beaverdale

The words are too many and hurt, I'm sorry Ant, I would do so many things over, I can't wait to be with you, me and Amaya talk about you always and we love you, xoxo

These are her own words and she is going to type now:

i miss you so much a.j  from amaya and mommy and baylee by by Anthony

Many generous people contributed to the paint night fundraiser so that AJ could get a headstone, that is now in process and I cant thank everyone enough

These were made from Aj's clothes

These four simple statements are powerful tools
for improving your relationships and your life.
As a doctor caring for seriously ill patients 
for nearly 15 years of emergency medicine practice
and more than 25 years in hospice and palliative care,
I have taught hundreds of patients who were facing life's end,
when suffering can be profound,
to say The Four Things.
But the Four Things apply at any time.
Comprising just eleven words,
these four short sentences carry the core wisdom
of what people who are dying have taught me
about what matters most in life . . .
We are all sons and daughters,
whether we are six years of age or ninety-six.
Even the most loving parent-child relationship
can feel forever incomplete 
if your mother or father dies 
without having explicitly expressed affection for you
or without having acknowledged past tensions.
I've learned from my patients and their families
about the painful regret that comes 
from not speaking these most basic feelings.
Again and again, I've witnessed the value
of stating the obvious.
When you love someone,
it is never too soon to say, "I love you,"
or premature to say, "Thank you," 
"I forgive you," or "Will you please forgive me?"
When there is nothing of profound importance left unsaid,
relationships tend to take on an aspect of celebration, as they should . . .
Because accidents and sudden illness do happen,
it is never too soon to express forgiveness,
to say thank you and I love you
to the people who have been an integral or intimate part of our lives,
and to say good-bye is a blessing.
These simple words hold essential wisdom
for transforming that which matters most in our lives -- 
our relationships with the people we love

MOSTLY IT IS LOSS WHICH TEACHES US ABOUT THE WORTH OF THINGS


My son left this world with so much of my love still here, he was born to a very scared mom, I remember thinking are they really going to let me take this baby home? AJ was a very sensitive tough kid, he was so affectionate and protective of me. Definitely a mama's boy,he was a WWE fan and I bought him over 1000 wrestlers, his father took him to wrestling events and he has pictures with the Rock, Big Show and many others. He started playing T-ball at four, that is where he met his Best Friend John Lutters. He was good and he moved on to coach pitch, over the years he became such a great pitcher, I remember sitting in the stands with our cowbells cheering our boys on, I heard girls say to me how awesome he was, but I already knew that, so many trophies and awards and received a certificate from the Mayors office. He has so many friends, my social butterfly...

He picked a flower for me when he was almost two and I carried that flower for many years, he opened doors for women and strangers and more than one person mentioned that I had a very polite son, so empathetic and a animal lover, his dog Skip was with us about nine years and when he passed AJ could not eat or sleep for a week, devasted loss to our family.

I remember one year he flew to Florida to spend time with my dad in the summer,  I think he was 12, on his flight back, there were terrible storms and his flight was cancelled and I recall being hysterical, he was states away but they put him on the phone and he was like, Ma I am getting my own hotel room and $75 dollar voucher for food! LOL, he was laughing in the hot tub eating all night while I was in a panic planning to drive and get him with my sister...

When I had Amaya I seen a side of him that melted my heart, my blue/green eyed boy...he was so loving with her and on his 16th birthday he requested a tattoo, and he put her name on his arm, he proved his love to us, sometimes I did not see it, reflecting now, I know he loved us, he had his Dad's name tattooed on him, my brother Philip that passed away and when he had my name put on him, I dont think I ever felt more loved.

John Lutters, Ivan...Samantha M, Sammy my niece, Sylvia,Maurice, Edgar, Meg, Morgan, Sarah, Adam, Ibrahim, Louis, Mike Last,Ryan, Jordin, Sheldon, Christopher, Myla and Tre... so many others, AJ had love for you all, I watched some of you grow up with him, I appreciate your friendship and how many of you keep in touch with me, on some days it keeps me alive, Thank you.

I have never in my life felt pain than that of my son's death, but that pain keeps me close to him and forever connected.

I want people who knew him and loved him to leave your memories.

"-And she loved a little boy very, very much--even more than she loved herself--"
The Giving Tree