Growing up I always felt like a mistake I was different I never fit in and did not belong anywhere! I did not matter! I was put on a plane and sent to Texas to stay with an Aunt and Uncle I did not remember I did not know I had been a victim of so much and came with suitcases of hurt To describe what it was like to meet and get to know this amazing couple there are not enough words It was like being given a glimpse of what life should be like Uncle Bill and Aunt Marrianna welcomed me into their home it was an amazing experience to stay with them! Aunt Marrianna with her dog fonzerelli she was always having to get after that dog She was an amazing mother to her daughters kept an amazing home for her family I adore her! Uncle Bill was unique! He would eat for 2 days fast on the 3rd to detoxify he said wow my eyes got big what does that mean? Then he had built some sort of pyrimid thing it was a do not enter zone a place for him to meditate do indian sweats and more his place do not enter I asked millions of questions he would answer them all never getting tired of me totally welcoming me not only into his home but his heart He made me feel special welcome loved wanted no longer a reject finally giving me a sense of belonging I was not a mistake he tells me about being a Budhist ok I said and that he believed in soul families and that we live more than one life cannot reach perfection in just one! That I was an old soul like him and had jumped through many lifetimes with him as I was one of his soul family members I then opened my mouth and said your kidding I follow you from lifetime to lifetime eyes all big  he said yes I then told him well why didn't you call the cops and tell them I was stalking you? He proceeded to roll with laughtet I had caught him off guard on that one I got addicted to that sound of his laugh it was a joyful sound I rarely heard anywhere and so I loved to make him laugh ever chance I got! Came the day my mother took me back I was never given the chance to spend very much time with him after that never got to say a proper goodbye or till we meet again I was devastated I was back in the place of not belonging again so he shocks them all He calls and asks my Aunt for my number Her mouth dropped open in shock she asks why would he want your number? I just smile! We would go on to see each other at funerals but he made time for me when he could he would call talk to me for hours and we would laugh then lose each others numbers missing numbers get them again and it was as if time never passed Then came the day he called and told me he was tired and wanted to go I argued nooo not time I did not want him to go but 1 year later he slipped away strange how even though he is gone he still remains connected to his soul family He will show up in your thoughts in a memory a sudden slide show you never seen He still remains with us all in spirit until we meet again! My Uncle Bill was an extraordinary human being amazing smart funny talented and so full of live and love! He impacted my life and changed me He is loved by us all! I was blessed and I am honored to be a member of his soul family!! I love you Uncle Bill! You cared about me and loved me althought the rest of the world did not care you showed me I mattered! I will forever be grateful to you! I miss you! I love you! Merry Christmas!

It seems like a dream.

I miss him so much every day. The strangest things upset me and bring me to tears. It’s amazing just how much I think about him. I mean, he pops up everywhere in my mind like an old friend. It’s strange now that he’s gone I realize just how much I think about him every day. His words creep into my mind like whispers of a thought.

I don’t know if I can even begin to describe this feeling that has settled deep in my soul. It’s as if I’m walking through a dense fog that has hidden the world from my view. I can’t sleep, but I’m tired all the time. I’m not hungry, but I can’t stop eating. Time seems to be creeping by at a snail’s pace and yet I can’t remember what day it is. I feel lost in a terrible dream.

And I guess I’m just waiting for someone to wake me up. I keep expecting Opa to call and laugh about it; how it was just a scare but he’s ok now. I just can’t accept the fact that he’s gone.

But, I guess that’s the point: he isn’t really gone. He’s here in my heart and my head. I hear his words, his wisdom every day. He’s there when I’m playing video games, he’s there when I’m reading scifi fantasy books, he’s there when I’m planting my garden, and he’s there when I’m struggling with my homework. He’s with me everywhere I go because I carry in my heart the memories of our time together, the things he taught me, and the passions he gave me.

I’m not saying it’s any easier knowing this. It hurts like hell and it’s a struggle just to get moving in the morning. But at least I know he’s still out there somewhere and he’s watching over me, over us.

One of my most fond memories of Opa is when he taught me to golf at the range. At least he tried, really really hard, to teach me. Even though I had no talent what-so-ever he stuck with me. He showed me at least twenty different ways to refine my “technique.” Ball after ball, he never got discouraged at my lack of talent; he simple laughed it off and let me do my thing. After a full day of hitting balls, that flew at weird angles, I hit the very last ball straight. The accomplishment shone in his eyes as he smiled at me. He was so proud he took me to get ice cream at DQ. That was the best banana split of my life.