I knew eric from way back in the hood of west seattle back in 1987 or 1988, something like that. i met him at a restaurant i was at one night, in the lounge rather and he approached me and introduced himself. "hey...aren't you BG?" I looked at him strangely.."uh...yea". he said" I'm teresa's boyfriend eric rillos, your'e a chef right?" I said "yes, I am". He said to me " i would love to work for you". "I love cooking" he said. I replied with "fucking cool man!" I got him a job at the Sorrento Hotel where I was the sous chef at the time. It was a crazy time in Seattle in the late 80's, but all good...damn good times. Lots of partying, cooking, late nights, hell bent for creativity, rock and roll and doing the best we could and not taking less than the best for an answer. It was the way. It was the life. The dream. Care free and fucking wild. eric was one of those guys who, not unlike myself, didnt give a fuck what anyone said, we knew we were going to cook and be wild and kick ass and have fun..sometiems too much fun. Period. eric had troubles like any of us. i think he had a harder time keeping things at bay and the demons under control, or perhaps separating things from the professional work life. i know i was challenged. i worked with eric for about 2 years, until i moved on. i kept some tabs on him, after the birth of i think his first daughter and his own transition onto his next step in his career. i went one way, he went another. we cooked, we kicked ass, we lived the life. i fortunately checked into an outpaitient program for 11 months and gave up my addictions...i progressed,..i lost touch with him after a couple years as I think he left the city. life happens, marriage, kids, careers, love, work, bills,..then...fast forward to about 6 months ago or maybe even only 5...i see a facebook post from teresa brunsch, whom i knew and he dated(married?) and is the mother of his first child(or so I think), from junior high and the west seattle hood, ..stating that he had stage 4 cancer and to pray for him (her daughters father). before i knew what the hell was happening...i read he had passed. WTF??? i couldnt believe it. i too am 48 and we shared a lot in common in our passion for food, and yet so entirely different in so many other ways im sure. i had not spoken to him in many years, and can not even say we were close or real good friends, only that we shared a speck of sand in time together doing what we loved to do. i am saddened for you, for his daughter and sons, and for his whole family. i think about my loved ones and two sons and think how devastating it could and would be. i have lost both my parents and it sucks. i know we all need to go some day and i only hope that he did so with happiness about life and with being able to express that to those important and who he loved around him. i know he is in a better place, as are many of those who have passed before him and after. i will miss him, if even in my thoughts about our times together cooking and the day we met...an aspiring young cook making things happen(him) with an arogant shit like myself...i only hope that i perhaps in some small way contributed to his learning and growth and happiness in cooking as others have done for me. i will see you again my friend...on the other side...god bless you and your family....

Babe,

I meet you in 2003 hit me like lightening, and we did not start seeing each other until Nov. 2004 and by Jan. 2005 We knew we had something special.  God we laughed so much then.  When you moved in with me, the first night it was so flipping cold in OB and we both jumped into bed giggling like little kids that was a great night.   You and I had so much fun with music trivia, bike riding, road trips, going to all kinds of great places taking photos,,, of you of course.    I remember singing so loud coming home in the back alley at Cape May Your so Vein, watching you look at yourself in every refection.  God I adored you.   You made life hard, too hard at times as did I, but you always came back to the one you loved... Me. I would do it again with you, just change one thing... the other insignificant women.  And I do not take shit from anyone... anyone.   But you never stopped loving me and coming back to me and we worked through that and forgave each other for our faults.  That I am greatful for.

I am in so much shock losing you I just don't understand how why why.. I remember after you got that darn black widow bite you said Oh baby Im not going to live to be old I know this, and I got so mad at you and your reaction to my refusal to accept that and I made you take it back, and now ... and now your gone so not fair! my beautiful Eric this one is hard so hard.  Being by your side while you where hearing the most real words anyone could ever hear and be so brave, so brave I wouldnt have it any other way, bringing you home where you belonged, I had to bring you home and bring your love (family and friends). I am so angry at Verdugo hospital making you leave telling us Liver cancer making you leave with no pain meds, you didnt know I called that dr before I got there and yelled at the nurses to tell him to make the damn call I need to take care of my guy and demanded all the documentation to be ready for me when I got you. I sat next to you reading that they knew you had stage 4 pancreatic cancer I had to suck it up I am still in shock I did it I kept calm my heart was beating so fast the panic the shock of reading pancreatic and I looked at the discharge and I thought wtf.. you said liver cancer cut him loose no pain meds you bastards! I had to hide it from you until I could get you to a better hosptial and I told the new hospital not to say anything   until those records where read by a real doctors.. it was confirmed I read the reports right.... I cant even tell you what it was like to be so helpless I couldnt save you I couldnt take back I said oh my god I have to tell my guy he is dying.... oh my god.. real raw moments ... Eric I went outside to the parking lot and lost it  just lost it..thats why I was gone for 1/2 hour I just cried strangers tried to comfort me the security people the dr came out I kept begging god help me pull it together I remember it was so cold so cold outside but I had to pull it together before I could go back in, knowing what was coming next how do ou stop that who do you bargin with to make it all go away.. I couldnt save you... then I pulled it together and acted normal knowing the dr was coming to tell you the sad news, I sat next to you holding your hand it was so silent and  suddenly you said to me.. Kimmie Thank you for taking such good care of me, I really love you and appreicate you and then you said damn Im going to lose my hair in chemo.... I said babe you handled much worse in life and lets face it you are still going to be a hottie with no hair... you gave me that grrrrrr smile you do... I swear I earned my f'ing oscar that night... it killed me killed me knowing what was coming in the door for you... I loved you that much.. I couldnt save you from this one.  When that caring kind dr came in, my heart I though I it was going to explode I wanted so stop  him thinking if I did it will go away and he saw my eyes.. he saw me stuggle to breath and I shock my head yes to let him know it was time to tell you.  I keep remembering that woman in the next room with only a curtain seperating all of us,  coughing her family saying throw up in spanish and the nurse tell them to stop it being dramic.. I rembmer thining I know horrible of just shuf up go home take some advil..for the love... as soon as they heard the dr tell you.. not peep not one word one cough all down the line of rooms... yeah.. room one just got a hell of a bad deal.. no so sick  now are you.   I went back outside when they took you to get xrays, and I sturggled do I call your family now... I looked at the time it was now 1:30am and though why nothing between now and the sun coming is going to change anything for anyone let them have one last night of normal sleep.  I remember thinking stay strong dont lose it keep calm for Eric.  And it got away from me for a second you pulled your head so fast to look at me and I said you fuck you fuck  I have been ready for you to leave me for another 21 yr old, but no you had to it your way with cancer... and we both laughed.. I loved that about us.. we could be in a huge fight huge and I or you would say something really funny in the middle of intense fighting and we laugh and laugh... nobody  understood us.. we clearly had our own language of not this planet..butwe managed to keep loving...    We fought ... I didnt like sharing you and I didnt like not having a a choice in that situation as we all know ..as you know.. but we loved each other and in the end I know my love gave you peace and comfort and I know I took the fear away I know this... I will always remember your last minutes you had on earth staring at me, as medicated as you where I knew you the real you was there and I know you appreciated that I knew that the entire time and would talk to you normal and explain why this or that was happening,  your daughter telling me ahhh dads not to happy about the walker and wheel chair I had delivered but babe I watched struggle to stand to go to the bathroom and by god you where going to do it yourself, so I came and you gave a very medicate pissed off Eric look I said babe I got the walker because the meds are so strong you can't even walk a straight line I just want you to keep your dignitty and your a proud man and you are still Eric Rillos all Im doing is allowing you to be independant, man  you got up took that walker and push that thing a 100 miles fast to the bathroom... god bless you.. I watched you stare intently (for the last few days)  to memorize everyone face, and hankie and luna and you stared at me you where so so tired so much pain and I said babe your my great love I wish I could go with you oh  boy your eyes got so wide..I said well not now dont worry but you do not be afraid, you will be knowing of you, your son your daughter and my love and all your family love,  my family love and your friends love and Hankie and Luna  for you.. I said do you remember being scared when you where born, I said no because we are here we exist so why would it just end it doesnt  you will have peace and no pain.  I will forever remember you staring in my eyes you didnt need to speak I know I know honey ..I will always remember you holding my hand when I was sitting with you on the bed and you moving your mouth I love you over and over squeezing my hand to get my attnetion so I can see you say it.    I miss you my love,  I struggle every single day since you have left us. But I know your angels where here and took you with them.  You looked like a angel so beautiful, you will always be young and beautiful always.  I am so blessed to have loved you and it got real hard at times real hard but  I never gave up on you or tried to change you never... I kept my promise I would never leave you at the hospital and that  I will bring all your love.    I reminded you what you said to me at my dads funernal - you think anyone will say about me what you said about your dad..I said of course.. yes baby.. yes..  and my last words to you where remember what you asked me at my Dads funeral and you stared so deep in my eyes I knew where there..I said  look all that love that came through our door to say good bye to you... is your proof you lived and loved well.... God wanted you to see how much you matter to all of us. I am proud of you my love and I will love you with all my heart and soul forever and nodoby can take away your love for me and mine for you baby... Your eyes got so much relief you struggled so hard that day I am grateful I remember that conversation because it helped you, I could save you but I could help you.. and I said you pick your moment and you look so handsome and I kissed you.  I put my hand on your heart I knew then you where leaving soon, so I kissed your heart like I always did and I whispered in your ear I love you and you take all this love with you I promise it all goes with you and you will be knowing of you and all of us. it does not end.   You look like an angel so beautiful so peaceful.   This will never get easy being home alone, you not being here, the neighbors have all come by one at time where is your cute guy we havent seen him on the scooter waving at us..and I tell them you passed away... they all said one thing about you that was the same, he had a really beautiful smile.  I never from day one called you by your name it was always babe .. I use to watch you I dont why but when you would leave our house on your bike down the alley I would watch you..something about your broad shoulders.. something about that image was hunting but I would watch knowing ok why am I doing this man I really love this guy .... I did it for 10 years strange huh... you stared at all of us to memorize to not forget us and I stared at you from behind to memorize you.... strange..what we do.. I love you..  I just wish my dad was here to hug me, Im so lonely.  I  Love you Babe.