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His Life
2007 portrait taken on Mexico Cruise

追忆我的父亲傅純顯 (1932–2016)

August 2, 2016

我的父亲是一位伟大可敬的人。他是位慈祥的父亲，模范丈夫和两个国家的功臣老将。他为人完全无私，终生为自己的家人和朋友付出。

出生于山东济南, 他在稚龄之间失去了母亲。他的父亲因为工作的关系所以由他祖母抚养大。 16岁时，他在国共内战期间被流亡到台湾，并最终培训成为台湾最好的战斗机飞行员之一。对于国家他是位战斗的民族英雄，在天空中经历无数不畏死亡的飞行。在美国空军接受先进军事训练后，他准备成为台湾空军的最高指挥官。但1973年，在两国政府之间的秘密安排下，他受命带领台湾飞行员团队到新加坡，以帮助他们建立本地的空军部队。 1977年，他的妻子舒姣容，和两个儿子傅鐳（10）和傅馗（7）移居新加坡与他团圆。他的任命分配历时12年。虽然他在新加坡空军建军事的贡献众所周知, 但没有被得到官方的认可, 或被任何一个国家给予正式承认。1989年他默默回到台湾开始小型直升机运输业务。 2000年，他退休了，与他的妻子搬到加利福尼亚州都柏林以更接近他的两个儿子和孙子。在2001年，他被确诊得帕金森病。

相较于母亲,父亲更容易适应在加州的生活。他喜欢吃西餐，享受开车到周围城镇和喜爱他花园里的工作。他的后院，麻雀虽小，但是五脏具全是他的最爱。我们一起把硬质的粘土启动，翻耕土壤，铺草皮，花卉，菜园和他最喜欢的香春芽树。甚至连动物都崇拜他。松鼠和小鸟会来拜访他的后院，因为他喂食他们各种好吃的东西。但是，尽管家人在附近，朋友们远道而来，要适应这里久坐的生活方式还是需要面对许多挑战。父亲非常疼爱他的孙子 – 傅舒林（18），傅剑昇（14），傅剑平（13）和傅剑玲（10）。在与他们度过的每一刻, 他都充满幸福的眼神。他亲眼看到他们成长，尤其是在伯克利医院出生被他抱在怀里的舒林。他多次表示，他将与帕金森病抗战, 这样他就可以看到她去念大学。的确，他做到了。2016年7月22日，在舒林飞往密歇根州大学的前一天, 父亲神智清醒的坐在午餐桌上祝福她。之后那天晚上，他的身体开始衰败。在7/27日，在他的大儿子，妻子和护士的陪伴中, 他无痛苦, 安详的离开。

随着病情的进展，每年回台湾的旅游行程变得很困难，也包括本地驾驶。经过几次轻微驾驶的事故后，父亲失去了他的驾驶特权，对他来说这是一个巨大的挫折。他每周钟爱去教堂或农贸市场的频率逐渐减少。他还错过了每天早上到邻里公园散步，那边有许多中国退休人员聚集。摔倒和负伤成了频繁，它们听起来是那样可怕，但体格的障碍比帕金森病的全面破坏性真是无法比拟。尽管如此，爸爸仍然勇敢面对。母亲加紧步伐遵循。经过几十年的蛰伏后她再次学会了开车。她成了爸爸的全职护士，同时照顾他的每一个需要，一口一茶匙喂他, 经常以泪洗面，强忍他妄想的时候对她的责骂。诚然心理方面是一个巨大的斗争，但都被他们对彼此的爱克服了。他们的结合是真正有福了。过去3年里母亲经历了搭桥手术和两次血管支架手术,但她仍然坚持照顾父亲,拒绝让他独自忍受护理设施里寂寞悲惨的状况。母亲住医院时候, 父亲也不肯睡觉。当她回家时，即使是短暂的分别, 他依然拒绝与她分开。

我的父亲是最勇敢的。回首往事，他对于痛苦的忍受,身体的限制倔强抵抗,不屈从于帕金森病的精神,是超于人类的意志力和勇气的表现。我不能想象我自己的身体囚禁在那严密的小盒子里的生活，但我想这一定是他的感受。他的肌肉开始紧缩，不断的抽筋。接近年底，他更是经常会窒息，因为他自主肌肉骨骼控制的功能已经丢失。多年来，他长期与吞咽和控制排便跟其他病痛作战，并在最后的几个星期里，连每一次的呼吸都是一场斗争。最糟糕的是他的智力不停下降。多年来，大大超过去年同时期，他内心的恐惧成倍增加。总是害怕失去财物，甚至猜疑被亲人伤害。幻觉和妄想的次数增多，甚至到不认识我或者母亲的程度，有时他幻觉认为我想伤害他而攻击我。对于我的无助感, 我非常遗憾。最使我深感遗憾的是没有在他精神错乱之前珍惜更多和他在一起的时间。我痛恨人性。为什么当只有我们失去后才想念，但在此之前为何不懂得珍惜？我现在非常想念他。三个月前我从全职就业辞职, 以便花更多的时间与他在一起，但现在回想起来，我应该做的更多。

虽然父亲独自一人在承受他的痛苦和折磨，但他从不寂寞。他的家人一直24小时在他身边，竭尽所能，并回应他的每一个召唤无论白天还是黑夜。尽管他老年痴呆症情况反复, 时好时坏，他的智力还是意想不到的机伶警觉。有时候，我在寻找新的医疗设施时暂时在车里失去了我的方向感, 令人吃惊的是他会自发地背诵正确的驾驶方向。两个月前的一个晚上，当他失去了控制，并企图打破他卧室的窗户，我扶着他，但他并不认识我。我不能做任何事情。我很无奈, 所以我唱赞美诗奇异恩典给他听。他平静下来，并出乎我的意料跟着我一起唱。每一次我遇到他帕金森病发作的时刻，我无能为力，我拼命祈祷呼求。我经常问父亲要我为他祈祷吗? 他总是点点头，这是异乎寻常的,因为他平时是无法有响应的。

2009年父亲在都柏林一个小教堂与母亲一起受洗归主。这是他在意识完全健全时的信仰选择。我对他作为一名军人，工程师和科学人的决定感到惊讶。但他深知清楚自己的救恩，我知道他的灵魂安息在天堂。我的父亲是一位伟大的正人君子，他使世界变得更美好。我深深爱他，也将会深深地怀念他。

爱子傅馗

 

Remembering my beloved father

August 2, 2016

Fu, Chun-Hsien 傅純顯1932 – 2016

My dad was a great honorable man. He was a loving father, a model husband, and a veteran hero of two nations. He was completely selfless, always sacrificing much of himself for family and friends.

Born in Shandong Jinan山东济南, he lost his mother when he was only a few months old. His father wasn’t able to care for him and he was raised by his grandmother. At 16, he exiled to Taiwan during the Chinese civil war and eventually trained to become one of the best combat pilots in Taiwan. He was a war hero to the nation, engaging in numerous death defying battles in the sky. After receiving advanced military training in the United States Air Force, he was primed to become the top commander of the Taiwan Air Force. But in 1973, under a secret arrangement between two governments, he was missioned to lead a team of Taiwanese pilots to Singapore to help establish their naïve Air force. In 1977, his wife Jiao-Rong, and two sons Fu Lei (10) and Fu Kwei (7) moved to Singapore to join him. The assignment lasted 12 more years. Although unofficially well known for his role in founding Singapore’s air force, no official recognition could be given from either country. Instead, quietly, he returned to Taiwan in 1989 to start a small helicopter transportation business. In 2000, he retired and moved with his wife to live in Dublin California to be closer to his two sons and grandchildren. In the following year, he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease (PD).

Life in California was much easier for dad than mom. He loved western food, enjoyed driving around town and working on his garden. His backyard, though small, was his great love. We put it together from the starting hard clay, tilling in the soil and laying the sod, flowers, vegetable garden and his favorite 香春芽trees. The animals adored him. Squirrels and birds would come to him in the backyard as he fed them all kinds of goodies. But although family was nearby, friends were afar, and adjusting to the sedentary lifestyle here was not without many challenges. He dearly loved his grandkids – Elizabeth (18), Jason (14), James (13) and Jillian (10), and his eyes were bright with joy every moment spent with them. He lived to see them, particularly Elizabeth, whom he held at the Berkeley hospital where she was born. He has often said that he would fight PD so he could see her go off to college. And that he did on 7/22/16, sitting up at the lunch table with her in full comprehension, the day before she flew off to Michigan. That evening his shutdown began. And on 7/27, he left peacefully and painlessly without any struggle in the companionship of his older son, wife and nurse.

As the disease progressed, yearly travel trips back to Taiwan became difficult, and so was local mobility. After a couple of minor driving incidents, he lost his driving privilege, which was a huge setback. His weekly beloved trips to church or to the farmer’s market gradually reduced in frequency. He also missed very much daily morning strolls at the neighborhood park where many Chinese retirees gathered. Falls and injuries became frequent, but as terrible as it may sound, physical impediment is really nothing compared to the full devastation of PD. Nevertheless, he fought on hard. And mom stepped up. She learned to drive again after decades of dormancy. She became dad’s full time nurse, caring for his every need and feeding him, often in tears, and teaspoons at a time while he scolds her in delusion. The mental aspect was a huge struggle, but was overcome by their great love for each other. Their union is truly blessed. Mom endured a bypass and two following angioplasty surgeries in the last 3 years, and still looked after dad – refusing to have him suffer the loneliness of the deplorable conditions in a nursing facility. And dad refused to sleep when mom was in the hospital. When she came home, he refused to be separated from her, even briefly.

My father was the bravest. Looking back, his tolerance to the pain and physical restriction, his defiance and relentless resistance to succumb to PD is a demonstration of super human will power and courage. I cannot imagine a life where I am physically imprisoned in a tight small box, but that I imagine must have been how he felt. His muscles were tight and they constantly cramped. Towards the end, he choked often as even autonomous musculoskeletal control was lost. For years he fought with the difficulties of swallowing and bowel control, among a multitude of other ailments, and in the final few weeks, each breath was a struggle too.

The worst of all however was the mental decline. Over many years, and greatly increasing over the last year, he suffered a tremendous amount of fear. Always afraid of losing belongings, or suspicions of perceived harm even from loved ones. A myriad of hallucinations and delusions increased in frequency, to the extent of not recognizing me or mom, or wanting to attack me because of perceptions that I am bringing him harm. I regret my helplessness, and most of all I deeply regret not treasuring more of our time with him before the raving madness took control of him. And I hate human nature. Why do we treasure and miss more only when we’ve lost, but not cherish before? I miss him so much now. I resigned from full time employment three months ago to spend more time with him, but in retrospect, I should have done much more.

While dad was alone in his pain and suffering, but he was never lonely. His family has always been at his side 24/7, doing everything we can and responding to his every beckon day or night. Despite his on and off dementia, he was often unexpectedly sharp. Sometimes I would be momentarily lost in my car looking for a new medical facility and in amazement, he would spontaneously recite accurate directions. Two months ago late one evening when he was out of control and wanted to smash his bedroom window, I held him but he didn’t recognize me. I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless. So I sang the hymn amazing grace to him. He calmed down and surprised me by actually singing along. Each time as I encountered his PD moments and I could do nothing, I cried out desperately in prayer. I often asked if dad wanted me to pray for him, and he always nodded, which was remarkable considering his usual inability to respond.

Dad was baptized in a small Dublin Church together with mom in 2009. This is the faith he has chosen in full consciousness. I was surprised at his decision for a military person, an engineer and man of science. But he knows his salvation and I know his soul rests in heaven. My dad is a great and honorable man and he made the world a better place. I love him deeply and will miss him dearly.

Glenn Fu 傅馗

7/28/2016