To all,

I've known many people in my life. I've had plenty of friends but none quite like the Nevilles. They made me part of something. Jason was my friend, one of two best friends and these days I don't have very many trusted allies. I miss the ever-living-shit out of you. Sometimes when I am down on myself I wonder what I would be doing right now if you were still with us. It's tough for everyone but I still to this day haven't really been able to talk to anyone about how it affected me. I don't want to undermine anyone's grief. So I sit and think and think. 

To Jason,

I never quite understood the gravity of death. I'd like to think that you can read this and, through some transcendental power unknown, respond. I know that can't happen.

"Tears In Heaven"

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

This song, expresses perfectly the confusion of my grief.

It's been almost a year. It took almost that whole year to digest what really happened. Mike is living here now and don't get me wrong, Mike is an awesome addition to the home. Quite superior to John in fact, nevertheless, he pales in comparison to the notion of you being in the basement. This is the silly fantasy I have. Yeah we did a lot of good and bad. Sometimes I fantasize about sneaking fun, like memories being regurgitated only partially digested.

Jason I hope your dyslexia allows for easy reading. I miss you. I love you. You were my brother too and I regret through all my tears that I didn't have a chance to make that more clear to you and the rest of the world. Something weird happened along the line. Not only did I really want to BE a Neville with the two coolest dudes ever but, you admitted me into the club, loved me like one of your own and never turned you back on me. I am sorry we weren't closer at the time of your passing, it's a mistake I can never take back and will regret for the remainder of my days.

Your surrogate brother,

Jackie Dan

To Jeff,

I'm sorry this took so long to do but it took this long to gather my thoughts. I didn't think processing tragedy was such a long term endeavor.