靖衍，我们来看你了！
时间过得真快因为已经有730个日夜过去了。时间似乎又停留不前因为记忆中的你一直没有变。
孩子们都长大了，Angie秋天就要出去念大学了；翊帆和Grace明年也要上大学了；两个小男孩现在也成大小伙子了。我们的鬓角白发悄悄地出现了，前一阵子还和春梅讨论如何用印度染发剂。两年变化真的很多！
看着你的照片，依旧是那甜美的微笑。周日风和日丽，大家团聚在你的墓前心里在说，靖衍天国一切都好吧！？我们来看你了！往事一幕幕浮现，就象吃黑巧克力一样。
两年时间就这么匆匆过去了。以前每次想到当时陪你坐火车，吃饭，还车的情形都觉得胸口发闷没法回忆下去。现在能把这一段旅程串起来了，越发后悔当时太傻，没有想到先要个轮椅再出门。我们一起看的电影Everest 里，登山者在冲顶时缺氧的情况在看电影时感觉还没有那么深。看了小说以后，那一段登山的旅程和你的旅程慢慢重合在一起了。
春天种下的玫瑰花开了，柔柔的，恰似你停留在我心里永恒的神态。
刚刚和锐淙、小凌欢聚了一回，彼此的脸上虽然都有了岁月的痕迹，但是我看到更多的仍是我们当年的初心，特别是某人常替太太拎包的，仍然忠于职守。我们聚餐吃美食，无比热闹地聊起很多好朋友，回忆在新加坡的日子。少不得一定会想起你。我们抱怨美国实在太大了，使得我们三家要团聚一次都不容易，还不如在新加坡，我们坐着MRT，走着路，就能到处串门，相约打牌。
玫瑰花上停留着一只螳螂，花瓣中卧着一条细虫。世界上万物对于美好的人和事的眷恋应该是天性吧，就像我们会永远想念着你！
今年是翊帆第二年参加Relay for Life 的活动。 所有的思念都在其中。希望人类能彻底战胜癌症。
周末在院子里种下这株玫瑰。上次你种DA玫瑰的时候就兴冲冲地告诉我找到了一个你非常喜欢的品种和颜色，你说，“我今年先种个小的，以后再种个大的。“你还自夸是半个专业园丁。听到我抱怨了以前栽种玫瑰的失败，你一一给我解释原因。好吧，有你在前面引路，先种好了小的，大的，等我再种的时候，可以找你解答所有的问题，我当时如是说。
周末在院子里种下这株玫瑰，希望每一年花开的时候，你能如约而至！
这是一张去年今日的照片。我们在市中心的“大碗”泰餐厅为你庆祝生日。照片里你和女儿笑得那么开心。谁也不会看出来就在一个星期前，你的主治医生刚刚对你说放弃。和病痛斗了这么久，我猜你对生死已经看得很开，唯一舍不下的是对我们的眷恋。当我提议在市中心住一晚，庆祝生日的时候。你马上赞同。在岸边看着我和女儿划船，给我们拍照。尽你的体力陪我们散歩，玩世纪公园。今天我沿着当日走的路，又去了大碗。脑子里总是想着那首并不合适的诗，“去年今日此门中”。挑了同一张桌子。其它都没变，菜还是同样的辣，辣得人掉眼泪。这个世界好像什么都没变，又好像变了很多。你现在应该比我清楚吧。
第二排最当中那个就是你，靖衍。
你就是那个班里最温柔、仪态最婀娜的那个娇娇的女孩。
你经常邀请我去你家玩耍，我也最爱去你家，因为你的房间有粉色小花的墙纸，在那个年代是很少见的，记得你说是你爸贴的。
我说的一些小故事，总能把你逗的咯咯笑，也许是你出于礼貌吧，不忍让我感到冷场；给你吃东西，你总是礼貌而且不让人尴尬的谢绝；在苏州中学这个高手如林的地方，你学习中等，不偏不倚，没有骄傲，亦不自卑，周身散发淡淡的幽香。我们几个都说你像山口百惠，你摇头浅笑不语。我经常想，你是好多男生心仪的女生吧？！
最后一次见你，是在90年代，你从上海回苏州，似乎是出国前吧（不太记得了），在体育场路我们偶遇，你穿了件格子的连衣裙，比中学里微胖了一些，我知道你和学校里最优秀的男生成了一对，由衷地祝福你，你还是浅笑。
靖衍啊，谁知道再知道你的讯息，你已经与我们天各一方，14、5年的与病魔的纠缠，真不知你是如何应付的，每每想到此，泪水就会充盈我的眼眶，正如你最挚爱的的爱人说的那样，让人流泪的是你多年被病魔折磨的辛苦而不是离别，因为我们相信，在那个美丽的地方，我们终将还会相遇。
六年中学，和靖衍基本没有交集。初中她在一班，我在四班，教室距离就是最远的，一个在东头，一个在西头。人和名字对得上，知道她是一个高个子的甜美女生，仅此而已。倒是和高国栋，因为大学同学，还多一些交往。毕业后留在上海，逢年过节往返于上海苏州之间，大约有两次在火车上巧遇他们夫妇，聊得颇开心。当时我刚加入的美国公司要在上海设办事处，正缺人手，得知靖衍刚好有闲，问她愿不愿意参加。经过一些简单流程，她就顺利加入了。这才有了我们大约半年较为密切的交往。
和靖衍熟悉之后，我才算对闺秀这个词有了感性的认识。在我的印象里，靖衍总是不急不缓，温婉细致，充满善意，又理性条理清晰。当时公司刚进中国，团队很小，同事都很年轻，相处得颇close，靖衍也是深受大家欢迎。曾经一起去南京出差，因为关系好，我们就share room。晚饭后她一边整理第二天seminar要用的资料，一边和我聊天，井井有条。那次我好轻松，只管第二天做个presentation就好了，其他什么都不用管。有一次当时的首代要去无锡出差，靖衍安排好出租车，细心地递上一个小袋子，里面装了水和一点点心。柔而不媚，体贴又淡然，这细微的一幕，让今天的TEEC主席、基金掌门在多年以后回忆起来仍赞赏不已。
当时高国栋还在新加坡工作，但已经在准备去美国了。一开始就知道她要跟随高国栋去美国的。可她真的决定要走的时候，我还是觉得特别失落，好像一下子少了一个温暖踏实的依靠。去美国之前，好像是他们俩一起从新加坡回上海，当天要回苏州，特别赶过来看我。可那天我也不知道怎么状态不对，没留他们吃晚饭就送他们走了。这一直让我心怀歉意。临别时靖衍送我一个小小的银饰，我一直留着。
那会刚好还没有email、手机，就此和他们失了联络。经常想到靖衍，偶尔回苏州，也会问起他们。有一次廖彤晖说才见过他们，可以找到联系方式。但是他没有给我，我也忘了追问，一晃又很多年过去了。直到，昨天孙翌带来靖衍离开的消息。
我一向不用天人永隔的说法。不在意的人，天天见到也形同陌路。在意的人，即使不在同一个世界里也长存心底。写下这些纪念的文字，为了她给我的温暖回忆，为了那顿该请没请的晚餐，为了多少次该做却没做的联络。在那个终极的世界里，我们也许还会不期而遇，一如在上海苏州的火车上，而你，仍是那年轻柔美的模样。
大约2004年的夏天。我公公婆婆来帮我们带年幼的儿女。他们在小区里认识了国栋的父母和女儿Helena。三个孩子很快就成了好朋友。作为孩子的父母， 我们也很自然成了朋友，不知不觉的十多年过去了。随和的靖衍和国栋也走进了我们的朋友圈。他们俩的真诚和热情很快成了朋友圈里一对受人欢迎的夫妇，人称小周和小高。
靖衍啊，冬天里我们一起去威斯康辛Dells滑雪，过圣诞节。夏天我们一起去郊游，camping。 我们一起去参观林肯故居；一起去墨西哥度假。我们一起参加孩子的生日聚会。我们一起盼望着孩子快点长大。我们一起操心孩子的学习，交流对付小家伙们的心得。祖兴和我都在外工作，每次有困难找你帮忙，你总是轻轻的说一声 “好的呀”。你也深受孩子们的喜爱。无论天气不好，还是学校放假，小孩不得不在家时。你家自然就成了我们孩儿最爱去的地方。无论孩子们怎么折腾，你从不会生气，还总是做好吃的好喝的给他们。在孩子们找不到我们的时候，第一个想到的就是找你。女儿称你The second mother。11月14号是Helena和祖兴共同的生日，每年我们都要在一起为这一老一少共庆祝生日。是何等开心！
靖衍啊，你对朋友总是那么热情，慷慨。但对自己是那么严酷，不让朋友知道你的病痛，不让朋友为你操心。那怕近在三个月前，自己病痛很严重了，还主动要求为朋友值夜班。你带给我们那么多的温暖和阳光， 我现在明白了，你是在无私地，无畏地燃烧自己美丽的生命！
靖衍啊，做了你十多年朋友，我们分享了无数的快乐，确不能分担你一丁点的痛苦，你怎叫我不心疼！
靖衍，你太辛苦啦，休息吧！
My mom was a true fighter
She really was
To battle breast cancer for 14 years, since I was 1
To hold on for this long
She's so brave
I cannot put it in words
She battled it for so long
To stay with us a little longer
For us, my family, and me
She was tired from fighting
She wanted a break
The least we could do is to give her
Her well deserved rest
You promised me you'd be there when i graduated
You sat there
in that chair
at the train station and promised me.
You were only three years gone to early
You had such an early death
was it just a trick of time
That made me believe that you could live forever?
The last thing i want to do is to say good bye
The last thing I want to do is to describe you using past tense
I want to say “she is”
Not “she was”
I wish it wasn't so soon
Why couldn't you have had more time
We still have so many adventures to go on
however
You won't go away,
You’ll always be in my heart
Unseen, unheard
But still missed dearly and still loved
Now i know you're in a better place
Where you are free
Where you are no longer restricted
Where you no longer have trouble breathing Where you can ride a plane without fear of not having enough air
Where you can walk up the stairs
Where you can do anything
Unrestricted
And free
自由
我的妈妈是个真的斗士
她真的是
同乳腺癌搏斗14载，从我1岁开始
坚持了这么久
她真勇敢
我没法用言语表达
她这么久的战斗
只是为了多陪伴我们一会儿
为了我们，我们的家，还有我
她战斗的太累了
她需要休息
我们可以做的是给她
她应得的休息
你许诺我在我高中毕业的时候在场
你坐在那里
在轮椅中
在火车站上向我许诺
你只是早走了3年
你走的是这么早
难道这只是一个时间魔术吗
这让我相信你可能会永生
我最不想做的事是和你说再见
我最不想做的事是用过去时描述你
我想说“她正在”
而不是“她曾经”
我希望这一切没有来的这么快
你为什么不能有更多的时间
我们一起还有那么多的探寻之旅想走
然而
你不会离开
你会永远在我心里
看不见，听不见
但仍然深深的爱着，思念着
现在，我知道你在一个更美好的地方
那里，你获得了自由
那里，你再也不受限制
那里，你不会无法呼吸
那里，你可以乘飞机翱翔而不用担心缺氧
那里，你可以走上楼梯
那里，你可以做任何事
不受任何限制
自由的
过去这三个月实在是我们小区非常悲伤的一段日子，我们接连失去了两位亲爱的邻舍，深深感叹生命的脆弱。这里只有几十户人家，经常有活动，是一个充满活力又平安宁静的小区。七八户中国人家前年圣诞还欢聚一堂。靖衍沉静恬美，人淡如菊，我直到最后的日子都不知她竟然一直默默与癌抗争十几年。从她脸上从没看过一丝重病的苦毒和无奈，即使年初我和她因故有较多的交往，她身在末期难熬的病痛中，依然从容淡定，一如既往地默默地付出她的爱与关怀。那天我们从文东的葬礼同车返回，得知她是最早过去陪伴的人之一，那样沉静，但朋友的需要都放在心上。我们一路感叹人生如飞和健康宝贵，她不时咳嗽,我只以为是那段时间都感冒，现在想来坚强的她那时一定忍受着癌症扩散到肺部的极大痛苦。浑然不知的我因为邻居中我们三人年龄最接近，一直抓着她啇量殷岚的事。我们说好发动我们各自的父母来陪伴即将过来的岚的父母，开玩笑说组织一个小区巡逻队。细心的靖衍还说她白天在家，带老人们上上街买买菜可以的。我又建议说我们三人开春也要结伴健走，Lilian没有回答只是咳得很厉害。万万没有想到我们竟然没有等到这个春天的约定，三个人在一月寒冷的冬日竟是最后一聚.
我写悼文时七岁的小女儿在一旁玩儿。回想靖衍恍如昨日的音容笑貌我不禁落泪，她问为什么，我一时想不好怎样跟她解释死亡，就说，你不在我身边的时候，我太想你就难过。她跑开又回来，在我胸前贴了一个她自己画作的贴纸，温柔地摁着说: “Mommy, when I am away, this is the seal of my love, you will feel better until you see me again.” (妈妈，当我不在时，这个就是我爱你的凭证，你见到我之前拿着它就不难过.)这真是神借着她说的话。叔叔,阿姨, George, Helena, 我深愿这话也成为你们的安慰。靖衍有幸受洗归主，她心中有主爱救赎的确据，有一天，所有的眼泪都会过去，带着这爱的确据, 你们必欢聚在神的国度里。愿往日温馨美好的回忆温暖你们的心，圣灵亲自的安慰就在悲伤中赐下盼望。愿靖衍我们的好姐妹在主的怀抱中安息。
Dear auntie Jingyan,
Do you remember the time when we went to Wisconsin Dells and you got my sister and me two Webkinzs? When I opened the package, I felt so excited and I couldn’t wait until I could finally play with it. My sister and I always begged my mom at the store to get them, but she never did because she thought it cost too much and did not think it was worth it. After you got them for us, we played with them 30 minutes a day because my dad always knew how to control our time on the computer. I still have the two stuffed animals in my room. Although I don’t play with them anymore, I will always cherish the memories of you looking at me with a big smile when I opened the box.
Do you remember how I always followed you around at your house, holding your hand and pointing at the place where you always kept your goodies. You would give me treats that my mom would never give us like fruit roll ups, sun chips, and fruit snacks. She thought they cost too much and at that time we did not have much money, but you helped us through those times. I will always remember how whenever we left your house you would load our car with toys, food, cloths, and so many fun memories. Every time we left your house, I would always ask my parents when we could come back to visit you. The last time I went to your house, I saw a bag of dried fruit and you urged me to try it. It was the first time I tried Durian. It didn’t taste really good to me, but I tried it anyway and now I am trying as much new foods as I can.
Do you remember how you played with me on the Wii and Ping-Pong? You would watch me when I played the Wii and show me how to do it. You also showed me how to use your ping-pong machine that automatically serves to you. That was one of the coolest things I had ever seen and It was very fun being able to use it. When I was playing, you always left treats down there and told me I could have as many as I wanted. Those were some of my best memories because it felt like everything was perfect. Now I still play ping-pong with my dad and sister in my basement. I now play some video games but not a lot. When I do, I play on my computer. Whenever we went to your house, I asked, “can I play on your Wii?” I thought it was the coolest thing ever because the answer was always yes.
Do you remember when I was one years old, we went to your house for a few days. The night before we left, we had a big dinner. My mom told me how much I loved the pork feet soup you made. It was my first real dinner that wasn’t baby food. The pork feet soup was so good that you sent the rest home with me. My mom told me that I ate the soup for 4 days straight. As you can see, I have been loving your food since I was a toddler. I guess my mom has already told you that I enjoy cooking and you have been an inspiration to me. My mom tells me how whenever you go to a restaurant, you see what you can learn and apply it to your own cooking. I am doing the same! Whenever I go to a restaurant, I try to get something that I have never tried before and when I get a chance I will try to make it. I also learn from watching videos.
I hope I can learn from you. I have started cooking a lot lately and I hope I can make your delicious hong shao rou. I have been cooking at least 2 meals a week and I have made kung pao chicken, apple pie, French silk pie, twice cooked pork, chicken wild rice soup, poached salmon, grilled salmon, scallion pancakes, etc.
My mom and sister always like it when I cook because I always try to make new things although they complain that it gets too messy. On the other hand, my dad thinks it is a waste of my time and I should be studying math the whole time. I am sure you will be on my side because you understand how fun it is to make people happy with food.
I am writing this as my dad joins your family and friends to bid you a farewell. I am sorry I cannot come and say goodbye. I was mad at my parents earlier this week because for my whole life they did not tell me you had cancer. I asked them why and they said they wanted me to enjoy spending time with you to the fullest extent.
Although I cannot give you anymore hugs, I will always have you in my heart. Thank you, auntie Jingyan, for giving me all these wonderful memories and making me feel special.
Love,
Timmy/小宝
爸妈的怀念
去年夏天结伴去女友的生日聚餐品尝美食，回来的途中我有些不适，靖衍邀我到家中小憩。我又得以有机会和靖衍聊起室内装饰，庭园绿化景观。我们又不禁想起以前一起去参观Open House，只为了看看主人的装饰和家居品味。待到室内完工后，喜爱玫瑰的靖衍又把新家前种满了最爱的David Austin 各色玫瑰。我们比划着设计前院的花坛，我们相约一起秋季时剪枝扦插玫瑰⋯是我来迟了，还是你失约了，靖衍？但我知，你在天父那里，在芬芳的满是玫瑰的园中⋯微笑，漫步，轻语。
记得在墨西哥度假，难得小孩子随爸爸们出岛游玩，靖衍和我几个妈妈们乐得清闲几个小时，相约海边散步，喜爱自然的我们踏着柔软的白沙，象少女般嬉笑，闲聊。 还在当地人停在海边的一艘快艇上轮流拍照，那里满是我们美丽的足迹和开心的笑声。
依稀记得这是1996年的夏天。我们的欧洲游到了比利时。本来准备到一个小城的经济旅店住一晚。但我没有安排好，房间没有了。周围仅有的一家大旅店对我们来说显得太奢侈。决定立即赶往下一个大城市过夜。当时，天已经全黑，昏暗的路灯下，不时能见到几个飞车党呼啸而过。在一个完全陌生的城市，不知通向何处的道路，还有没法判定的安全，你一句抱怨也没有。只是和我手牵着手，相互鼓励着，期待着。觉得这一晚就是我们二十多年生活的缩影。相互扶持，在未知的道路上不断前行，前行。今日，你先我而去，接下来的路，想让我怎么走？
国栋
I am listening to the background music, browsing through the photos, and drinking tea with the hot water boiled in the tea kettle you gave me last May.
Rongqing made a silly mistake when he went to Chicago to get Timmy’s visa to go back to China. He got everyone else’s other than Timmy’s visa because I—the mother—had to be present to secure a visa for Timmy. Looking back, I am immensely grateful for the mishap this otherwise perfect man inadvertently brought to our life. Maybe it was God’s will to bring me to see you?
We swung by to the fitness center to see you and then went to a Chinese restaurant with your family. Timmy, the little boy that grew up with all kinds of fun memories of auntie Jingyan feeding him, complained to you about how mom’s cooking could never be compared with auntie Jingyan’s. You gently patted him on his shoulders and said, “Next time when you come, I will make your favorite Hong Shao Rou.” I am sure you will be happy to know that this little foodie is developing a passion for cooking and has been cooking for the family on a regular basis twice a week since two years ago. Now he is adventuring into all kinds of uncharted territories in cooking—especially ethnic cooking—and baking, which I have been trying to avoid as much as I can. Can you believe it, Jingyan? He enjoys it so much that he has to do extra homework to try a new recipe! Like you, he enjoys seeing the satisfied looks on people’s faces with the food he makes. Seeing tears in my eyes, he reminisced about the good time he had with you, “Mom, auntie always asks me to try new things. Remember last year when we were at her house, she asked me to try dried durian?” I do remember that! Jingyan, this is so quintessentially you! Your curiosity about the world, your enthusiasm to share your adventures with other people, and your fun-spirited laughter over my resistance to novelties will be missed with throbbing intensity, especially when I need a reminder to be fearless, carefree, and adventurous regardless of consequences.
Then you brought us downstairs to see the newly installed pin pong machine, packed up some sun chips for Timmy on the road for the next day, and then you took out a glass tea kettle for me. “Use this in the future since people say it is healthier,” with your trademark smile and soft spoken voice you told me all the benefits of using glassware utensils. The next morning, we had a quick breakfast with you and Guodong before we left your house. When Rongqing backed the car out of the driveway, I saw you and Guodong standing there--hand in hand--and waving goodbye to us. What a classical scene of you two—standing next to each other, supporting each other through the thick and thin of life, and looking forward to a future together!
In the deepest corner of my heart, this scene will be gently framed and tenderly cherished.
Zhenzhen and Timmy ask me to say hi to auntie. They will talk to you soon! So will I…
