Dear Mom,

It has been over two years now that you have passed away. I missed you more and more every day. Sometimes I still find  myself trying to call you on the phone. I then hang it up, but It happens to everyone. I still remember you tried to call Grandma after her time on earth was through. Things that have taken place since that day have been good and bad. I have been struggling with keeping my emotions together. And I am finding that I can't holdin my feelings of anger. I show it towards my honey. Some days I don't know why he does'nt give up on me for everything I do. I also wish that I could help myself with all of this. I am in therepy and it is going good so far, but it is still hard to talk about you. I am trying to grieveand it is seeming like I can't because every timeI try to, I have other things to do in life so it gets put on the back burner.

   So my three year old son has been asking about my mom a lot lately. He does not understand yet the whole thing of Heaven and that our spirits go there.    So when he asks about her, I tell him that she is in Heaven. And he in returns says " is that where God is" and I always say yes. It is amazing how smart little ones can be. My Mother would have loved him so much.

  It has almost been two years since my mom's passing, and i am still coping with it. I still find myself dialing her phone number,just to hear the "this subscriber is no longer in service" and then it hits me like a ton of bricks again. I have nightly dreams of her...and her coming back to me. I hear certain songs and I automaticly think of her. My son,who never really met my mom will ask me about her, and it is very difficult to talk to anyone about her. I know that people don't get over these types of loss quickly, but I wish I was to the point of feeling like I could move on with my life. I have these weird urges to try to help others who have gone through simular things as me, but I don't have the courage yet.  I know that my mom is watching over me in Heaven and that means the world to me. It's not the same as having her here.

I have contacted my old family church to let them know of what happened, and they are praying for me and my family which also means so much to me.  I am going to continue to try and move on so that I can let the good memories of her live on forever. And i am trying to teach my son about who my mom was,what she believed in and what she stood for during her life. It's hard but I am a strong person who will get through this.

Lillie, was born in Georgia. She later moved to Colorado with her family.

She attended Elementry school and High school in the towns of Milliken,and Johnstwon Colorado. She met her Husband while in High school. They got married quickly,and had their first born...a girl named Mary (my sister) in 1980. A little over two years later, I was born in 1982.

    Life was okay for us. I didn't have a great relationship with her growing up,or even as an Adult. I am sadened to say that,but it's true. She worked her backend off at Walmart most of my childhood. And she loved it very much.

           As an adult, I began to try and build a relationship with my mom, trying to see life through her eyes. It was hard because she was more interested in my sisters life then mine. I do know that she loved me though. As the years went by, we had our ups and downs as most families do. About five years ago,I moved away and lost contact with my mom.

    I didn't know everything that was going on with her, til one night... March 1st 2010. I got a call that would start the changes in my life forever!

    It was my Grandpa, he told me that my mom was in the Hospital. I talked with her that night. She kept telling me that she wasn't feeling good and so she went to the ER. I still was pretty much clueless as to the depth of what was really going on with her. She had been in the hospital since February 25th 2010,and her along with the Docotrs still did not know what was going on. But they knew enough to admit her from the ER. I felt like I was going insane trying to figure things out. Coming up with reasons she would be there.      See my mom hated the hospital,and disliked Doctoers just as much. So for me I knew it was something serious for her to even be there. A few nights passed by, and she would call me and i would call her,just to catch up and try to figure this all out.

     It was that Friday,March 5th...late at night around 10pm. A nurse entered my mother's room while I was on the phone.

The nurse told my mom that she was being preped for emergency surgery. This got both my mom and I worried/scared. It was then, that I got to speak with the nurse for the first time. I tried to find out what was going on. But that didn't go very well. All the nurse told me is that she would have the surgen call me after surgery was done.

      I then called my Grandpa,to let him know. He of course took it the same way as I did...we were worried like crazy. Wondering what was happening with her. At around 1 am the next morning is when the call came in. As the phone rang,my heart beat went like crazy, and my tummy felt like it droped to my toes.  As I answered the phone,I could hardly speak. The surgen told me that they performed surgey on my mom's tummy. There was something going on with her small intestines. They said she came out okay,but was still sleeping. Again, i was left with more questions then answers.

   It wasn't until later in the day,that I was more aware of what happened with her surgery that had the Doctors worried not to metion the family. They told me Saturday afternoon, that was placed as her medical proxy because she was incapable of making choices on her own. The Doctor told me that they had removed all but three feet of her small intestines due to that fact that it was "dead"...whatever that means.

   Sundday morning March 7th 2010, they went back to the operation room and looked to see what was going on. The "deadness" of her small intestines had moved through out the remaining of it had had moved on to her large intestines and on to other oragns (liver,bldder,kidneys etc). It was then that the Doctors told me to make arrangemets to head out to Colorado. They wouldn't tell me much at that point til I got there.

     When i got there, I called the nurse and told them i was there. They met me in the ICU,where my mother was. They perpared me to see my mom and her condtion she was in: She was sleeping,breathing through a tube. They said she had sepsis of the blood,which is what caused her issues. There was nothing more medically they could do for her. So myself and her family decided to allow her to have comfort messures. This means they kept her sleeping and paced her in Hospice care.

Later that day,I went to see her in Hospice. She looked horrible. It hurts to say that,but it's true. She was still my mom,but she had a yellowing of skin color to her and had  a breathing mask placed on her,giving her oxygen. I stayed by her side most of that day and into the night (March 11th 2010).

       that night I had a dream that she was going to pass away. So the next day, I told my other half that I would not leave her side for anything,which I didn't. I knew her time was coming,and i wanted to be there during her time of need. I had never felt that sort of need my entire life. I felt like another force was pulling me to stay there. I still was not perpared at all for the next events that forever has changed my life. It was around 7pm in the evening March 12th 2010, I had been sitting by her beside talking to her. The nurses said that she could still hear me,but couldn't not respond at all to me. So I tried to explain was going on with her the best that I could. I wasn't great at it, but i think hopefully she understood the best she could.I told her everyone who was there with her. And around 7:30pm,my hubby told me that when i felt the urge to do so, to tell her I wasn't mad at her. About an hour later, i had this unexplainable feeling to tell her that no one was mad at her,and that I forgave her for any of everything wrong she did to me through life.

      It was at 9:15pm, I had this unshakeable feeling to pray for her. This whole time there,not once did a Pastor come to pray for her with the family...thought that was something they would do but didn't. I didn't know where this urge came from, but it hit me hard like a ton of bricks hitting my chest and tummy. I couldn't shake the feeling no matter what I did. I tried watching tv next to her, the feeling was still there. i tried drinking coffee and talking with my sister, still the feeling was there. At 9:45pm I gave into the feeling and prayed the hardest I had ever prayed in my entire life. My mom raised me to be have an unshaking faith in Our Lorad and Saviour Jesus. To this day, I believe it was his way of making sure she was prayed for.

       I asked God and his Angels to come into the room at that very moment to be with my mom and to be with me. I knew her time on earth was just about over. I did not want her to be alone at all during the process of passing away. I asked God to bring my mom's mom and her brother which had passed way numerous years prior. I was so afraid that my mom wouldn't have anyone waiting for her to take her to the pearly gates of Heaven so I wanted people whom she'd feel comfortable with taking her. And i didn't want her scared. I prayed that way for fifteen minutes. I stoped at 10pm. I then sat there quietly watching her. I placed my hand on hers while watching her. Out of no where, her arm started to shake really fast almost seizure like. I grabbed her hand and held on to it as tightly as posible. I looked at her face and told her it was time to go home to heaven. That was the hardest thing to do. I was so torn with emotions at that point. I wanted her to stay with me but I also knew she needed to leave me. I held her hand tighter for what felt like forever. But in reality it was only a few moments. I told her that i was not mad at her and that I loved her very much! And i asked her to keep checking up on me however she could. It was at 10:04pm March 12th 2010, that i watched her struggle to take in what seemed like a very long breath. I could tell it must have been painful! She had the look of pure pain and fear on her face. Lord knows I wished that I could have taken that away from her. I had never felt so alone, but so close to my Lord at the same time. I knew he was there waiting for her to make the transtion where her spirit leaves her body. 

A few seconds later her body went limp and her head fell back down to her pillow, I knew she was gone. I knew her spirit had left her body.  A moment later, a CNA came into the room and asked if I needed any more coffee. I jumped and said yes yes please bring me a pot of it!!!! I then told her that my mom wasn't breathing any more. She told me the RN would come in momentarily. And she did. It was then that my grandpa and sister who knew nothing of what just happened stood up and looked at her. The RN checked my moms vitals,and looked at me sincerly and said "she's gone". I had never felt so empty inside. My sister began to bawl like a baby and my grandpa began to cry slightly. At that exact moment my hubby called. He was so worried about me. And he said he was on his way up to me. I told him that she was gone. he was so hurt by the news,and by the fact he wasn't there for me while it happened.  I had to contact a Funeral home quickly to take care of my mom. And so I did. The guy came up quickly and we went into their private family rooms to decided how we would handle things. We got her cremated because then my grandpa and i could have her ashes.

    That night I didn't go to sleep til at least 2am. I was so much in shock of all the events,I could barely eat or drink anything. I layed down to sleep and was having a hard time. I don't know what time it was but in the early morning hours, I felt this weird sensation on my legs. The only way to describe it was it felt as though something very cold pierced through my legs and to my bone. And I was so scared that I looked around,didn't see anything. Just contiued to have that feeling for some time. Then just as quickly as it came it was gone. Again i felt so alone. I went to sleep and was a total wreak the next few days to months. In October of the same year i started having Heart palpitiations and thought i was dying. I have later found out I was experienceing my first of a few panic attacks. I was checked out by a Doctor only to find that I am healthy, which is good to know.

     This is the first time in almost two years that I have even really talked about that night my mom left this earth. It feels good to let it out. I am trying to finish griving but not forgetting her at the same time. Hard to do when you don't really trust many people and everyone whom you do hasn't gone through it themselves. I have sort of closed myself off to some people and make it seem like I have everything okay, when really I am screaming inside wanting to cry but can't. Wanting to talk but won't. So thank you for allowing me the oppertunity to share my mom's story and her last days here on earth. If you read this and have any questions..feel free to email them to me at ; studentoffortune92@yahoo.com