Hidden in the shadows of my mind

Are days gone by

Memories of yester year

Swirling like precious gifts

Giving me moments to reflect

On how lucky and blessed

I was to find true love in my darkest hours

Coming together as one

To make our dreams come true

A gift from the Universe

I would spend the rest of my life

Growing old

With you as we continued the journey together

It was a dream shattered

When you were taken from me

Much to my surprise

Was I too naive to realise that it could happen to me

And I would be a widow at 65

No just a gentle reminder

That life is precious

And it can be taken away at anytime

That I know for sure

The moment my lover passed into eternity he whispered farewell with a message of hope. As I stared out of the window the trees began to dance with wonder as he said goodbye for the last time. It was with sadness and amazement I stared at his lifeless form cold pale and at last at peace.

I couldn't bear the pain of being left by the one person who knew the real me and who had supported me loved me encouraged me angered me betrayed me and now the ultimate abandonment. Left alone and lost in a sea of grief not knowing the heartbreak an suffering that would engulf me as I struggled to stay focused and brave for all those around me.

Where to start. This man had been my everything was gone. All I had left were my memories and a few reminders of the greatness of his spirit. His legacy was his music and his joy for life. He was a free spirit who loved to soar above the clouds for all to see. His smile would melt your heart as he playfully expressed is willingness to be and to live without regret and to do everything in his power to be the best he cold be. He adored and loved me with is whole being and I felt the same about him. What a pleasure to be in his presence as he shared with the joy of the child he once was. FREE Even though his life had been filled with shame, guilt and an underlying feeling that he wasn't good enough . He managed to survive to a life of you and pleasure. He was bullied told he wasn't god enough, humiliated physically emotionally and sexually abuse. He started drinking s a young child to escape the shame of being who he was. His story reads like a novel.


Rest in Peace

 A new beginning. All I felt was fear anxiety anger and abandonment. I felt my heart had been broken into a million little pieces. And I asked myself how could I go on. I did and am living proof that one can survive a broken heart and heal to become stronger more  and empowered from the pain of losing one's spouse.             

  

As that particular summer’s evening drew to a close it was with sadness I bade farewell to the last remnants of the summer sun casting its shadow behind a cloud. My mind wandered back to other days. When I had stood in the same spot knowing my beloved was in the house waiting patiently for me to come inside and share the joy of being together one more time.  Little did I know that it might be the last of the summer evenings shared as a couple looking forward to what lies ahead.

If I had known I wouldn’t change a look a kiss or the feeling of basking in the love I felt because I know in my heart that everything happens in God’s time. And his great life here on Earth would be over and I would be left to make the journey without him.

Knowing full well that our life together had been the best years of my life.   He had been a gift to me when I was suffering with pain from a life lived in darkness. Without the light of the sun guiding me to enjoy the fullness of its glow. However this particular evening was one unlived and as I entered the house I felt a gentle calm come over me as I stepped over the threshold into another World as the fireplace crackled in the hearth. 

The smell of scented flowers filled the air and the gentle beating of my heart seemed to resonate with the ticking of the clock. He was resting on the couch quietly engrossed as he turned his head to see me enter the room. He appeared to be in pain and asked me if I would pass him a pillow so that he could support his back that was throbbing and aching. He was unable to respond with his usual smile as the worry and fear of what was happening to him consumed his waking moments. I gently placed the pillow at an angle for him and whispered I love you I miss you and he calmly answered I miss myself love.

It was then I knew that his time was nearing even though I dared not bring it to my consciousness for fear of been consumed with grief. So I pretended that all was well.  The next day he was standing by the couch saying he had a terrible night as his body was being ravaged by the cancer no longer under his control. He seemed brighter however and fully ready to begin a new day. Only to find that in the afternoon once more he was driven to rest tired of the fight but hanging onto the hope that he would overcome this horrible disease that had invaded our life.

Each day became the same with the ingesting of pills that were lined up on the kitchen table each promising some relief from this horrible ordeal. He showed a brave front and continued to play his guitar and practice his beloved music that was his life. I took some time for myself and spent a week away hoping it would give me a reprieve from the agony of watching someone you love pass before your very eyes. He seemed better I was told that week having gone out to say goodbye to some friends I was later to find out.

When I returned a week later he was so happy to see me and I too however he was once again in pain complaining of not being able to breathe. Taking him to emerge I was given the news he had a heart attack on top of everything else. He now was living with more pills. Could I not see that this was the beginning of the end. Nooo this couldn’t be happening so I pretended that all was well and he would survive. Our last week together was spent in quiet solitude sometimes I would get angry because I felt so helpless and didn’t know what to do. He retreated inside himself one more time. Well his last weekend was spent in the hospital gently cared for by loving nurses   I wasn’t much help. I couldn’t stand it any longer but I persevered telling myself he would be okay and would be home with me so I could once again take care of him.

He fought to the very end always mindful not to burden me. When I returned the next day he was in the last stages of death ready to leave and waited for me to say my goodbyes then he was gone. As I stood that night on the porch I gave thanks that he was at peace.