Hi mama...
There are days in life where I am so full of gratitude that I forget the hollow chasm that is your absence. We are growing and learning in such transformational ways, and I feel so grateful to see you in only the most radiant moments. In the subtle waltz of winter's naked trees...in those frozen moments where sun frees itself from the confines of looming storms in a piercing ray. In the amiable glitter of snow collecting along the edge of that wandering creek we used to study together.
You are the beauty, grace and resilience within this unpredictable, enchanting and oh-so-temporary world. I feel you in my fingers as they type. They've gotten skinnier, you know. They don't quite possess that elegant spindled look I always envied you for, but they're stronger now. Just like the rest of me.
I like to think that you'd be proud of the woman, wife and mother that I've become. And, more importantly, the woman I fully intend on becoming. Blessed as we are, there are still days where I reach for the phone to call and tell you something funny, or seek your wisdom. Days where you are still so alive in me that for the sharpest breath, all of that ache, sorrow and loss is forgotten. And suddenly I am in that hospital again, staring at that monitor, heart paralyzed as I hang on for one more second waiting for our miracle. I remember, and force myself back into the unjust reality that your voice will not enter my home in this life. I remember that I must seek out your energy in those captivating flashes of beauty...
Bentlee and I are overcoming a nasty cold today, and I have to say I've been down for the count. Being stationary seems to trigger thoughts of your absence. And yet, I feel so loved, so blessed by your influence. Hailey came to lend a hand, and I haven't the slightest clue how I could tackle life without her. She's filled with the most amazing energy - just like you- that just pours love into her surroundings. I laid my head on her lap and got her to play with my hair, stroking my face, and I couldn't help but smile at how similar her touch is to yours. I wonder if I feel as sweet to my son.
You would get such a kick out of him. He's the most enormous blessing - the beam of purest light that illuminates this journey for me. When he was feeling better, he would stroke my hair, kiss my forehead, and lean back and smile through those endearing, hazy, cold-hangover eyes.
...He loves to be surprised. I don't know why I started doing it, since I hated it as a kid. But, one day I was thinking of your crazy pranks and teasing and I couldn't help but leap out at him and roar and he threw his little head back and cackled so loud. I still smile when I think of it :) Ever since then, we take turns 'scaring' each other. I know you would win if you had the body to do it. Even still, sometimes I think you're playing with us.
...my nyquil is hitting, so I suppose I shall rest.
Until next time, sweet Mama Bird.
I love you,
Sydnic