Sweet angel, my baby girl, Alexis!!

Oh how I miss you so! So much has happened this last year. And all I can do is thank the Lord above for his love and his graciousness to allow me to carry a little piece of heaven here on Earth. Oh does he have a plan sweetheart. He sure does, and I’m forever grateful part of his plan for us was you!

Today I went for a run and saw some new purple flowers. And then on my drive to your Aunts house I saw the biggest fields covered in purple. All I could do was smile. I love the days when I can just smile because your love is so deep in my heart.

Momma loves you forever and ever. Even on the days it hurts to miss you so much I miss you so much, I’m truly just crying out with love that has no place to go physically. What an amazing love that is?! Thank you for being the love for me. 

Today we went on a special adventure at sunrise in a banyan tree forest right along secret beach at kualoa bay. We climbed trees, took lots of pictures, played in boats, splashed in waves, and talked about you all morning! It was absolutely beautiful. Then we stopped at sunset beach and wrote some messages in the sand just for you. 

So many friends and loved ones reached out to me today and shared in our love for you. So many people had you in their hearts. And all I could do was just smile because it felt so good. I miss you! And having the world recognize your little heartbeat and your little light 8 years from the day we first met overwhelmed me with joy. 

I feel you in everything we did, and somehow finally it all felt so right and so good. We made red velevelt cupcakes and shared them with our neighbors like we do every year. Your brothers decided it's only best to have gummie bears on top of them so they were extra special this year too. 

I love you angel. I thank God every night for you and your brothers. If it wasn't for all of you my heart probably would have never learned how to truly believe in Him. All of you gave me that, and that journey started with you. 

happy birthday baby girl. One day in heaven we will celebrate it together, but until then please continue to look over us as we will always keep you in our hearts!

Wow. Just wow. No one talks to you baby girl more than i do, i know. I know typing this out as if you are going to read it is really just for me to continue on my journey of healing. I know after so long so many expect me to stop talking about you as much, or at least stop giving the beautiful day so much significance. You and I both know i never really cared what any  one expected of me anyway. :)

I mean this day 7 years ago was one of the best days of my life, and hands down the worst. More so one of the best because you were the greatest gift I had ever been given along with your brothers. Without you i wouldnt be half the mother i am or half the woman i am. You opened that realm up for me. You brought me life when i couldnt imagine living another day without you. That is everything baby girl. 

I spent the day surrounded by amazing genuine friends walking the  streets of waikiki and sharing drinks on the beach. I had a shot in your honor and spent the day with a smile on my face and peace in my heart. I used to say when i lost you, i lost me too. Thats only partially true. I gained a truer, more raw version of me stripped down to only what is important. I actually found out exactly who i was and who i am when i was given a brief moment to hold an angel in my arms and call her my daughter. 

This blog is really just for me and my family that misses you. I know it holds nothing else soignificant other than i truly enjoy taking a moment to write out my thoughts for you.

I love you sweet girl.  Happy birthday Alexis!!! 

they say time heals all wounds. I don't think I believe that, but I do think we can choose to use time in a proactive way to help us overcome grievance and tragedy. 6 years later I can't say I have healed from losing you, Alexis, but I can say that I have used up this time the best I know How to make my heart and mind celebrate you versus staying in a cycle of misery. 

This last week I have been reflecting, and I finally understand the purple flowers or at least I think I do. You taught me to appreciate my growth, and to live because there is only so much time to do so. You have made me a better mother, a better friend, a better daughter, and a better sister. You have made me. 

I don't know How 6 years has gone by so fast, but I do know a day still has not gone by that I haven't thought of you. I believe you know it too. happy birthday my Sweet angel. I love you.

we shared this day with Alexis's little brother, Jaxen Kyle Peterson.  He was born Jan. 20th 2011.  He definitely was a distraction from the hurt in my heart.  I was able to handle this day better than the year before.  I still felt introverted and lonely at times, but then just looked at her little brother and talked to him about his sissy up in heaven.  I know he knows her.  I felt so lucky to have such a beautiful healthy boy with me and a sweet angel looking after us too.  I love my babies.  I think with time the pain will get easier and easier to deal with.  I just have to cling on to my faith and appreciate the love and life I have here on earth.   

I told myself I would be okay and that I was going to celebrate this day.  Once it got here though I felt as if it took every effort of my being just to exist.  I still made cupcakes like I had planned.  I took them to Bergan Mercy Hospital to share with the nurse that helped through the labor with Alexis.  Unfortunately, I could not enjoy the day as I had hoped.  My mother in law ended up coming over to keep me company. We tried to use shopping as a distraction, but my spirits were down and out.  My heart hurt just the same as it did the year before.  my beautiful cupcakes captured the good intentions I had for this very day, but I was not even interested in eating them.  :(  That night I cried myself to sleep.  It was only the millionth crying session I had that day. 

All I could do was try to get excited for the next couple of days that I had planned to spend my mother, grandparents, and sister.  Unfortunately even that did not go well.  They tried their best the uplift me and make me smile.  I just could not gain the strength to celebrate even my birthday.  I missed her.. I really missed her.  I still really miss her

  It was the day of Thanksgiving 2008 that I first suspected I was pregnant. Nate of course knew way before I did.  The next day I took a lot of pregnancy tests and all were instantly positive. "wow," thats all that could be said as I lay myself down next to Nate and share the good news.  We set up an appointment and the pregnancy was confirmed.  Nate picked out a blue recieveing blanket hoping for a boy while I set up appointment for the first ultrasound.  We shared the exciting news with everyone.  Everyone was surprised of course.  Everyone was happy for us though. We were scared but the excitement took over.  We were so happy for the new addition to our new family.