Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten V, (1991 - 2011) - ForeverMissed.com Online Memorials

You're an angel now, Artie, 20 years old forever and ever. Party like a rock star up there.

20 years old
Born on May 18, 1991 in San Diego, California, United States
Passed away on August 21, 2011 in San Diego, California, United States

I've created this website to keep the memory alive of my nephew, Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten V. Since he was cremated, we have no lasting memorial for him and that breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Artie VanB, as he was called amongst his extensive circle of friends, was a major force in many people's lives - the number of memorial tattoos bearing his name testifies to this fact. It's been extremely difficult adjusting to a life without Artie in it. Artie left behind his love, Shelby, and the daughter he adored, Kylie Rae, who was only 7 months old when he died. Thankfully, Artie did leave behind his unique and hysterically funny personality and it is permanently housed within the body of Kylie. She is extraordinary in all ways but hearts break for her daily because of what she will forever have to live without.

Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten V was born on May 18, 1991 and left us on August 21, 2011 at the age of 20. The day he died has special significance for another reason: Artie and his younger brother, Austin, were extremely close, sharing a deep, mutual love and respect for each other. In a tragic coincidence, Artie died on Austin's 18th birthday. (I've posted a photo of Austin's memorial tattoo for his brother - his is the backpiece.)

We have all been devastated by Artie's death but none more than his mother, Megan. There wasn't anything her two boys did that Megan wasn't proud of and she was incapable of issuing discipline or harsh words - she simply adored them too much. To take one of her cherished sons was undoubtedly one of the universe's most brutal and heartless moments. It was also tragically unjust that it happened to someone who has struggled so hard for so long. Apparently, "random" is in charge here.

I was going to refrain from adding certain "details" to this site but I've changed my mind, mostly because Artie's death has made me obsessively inquisitive about how other's have died. And if I have a need to know these things, I'm sure other people do, as well.

Artie died of a heroin/xanax overdose. That is a difficult thing to acknowledge and accept, that we let him slip away from us like that, because an overdose doesn’t have to be lethal. Immediate death from heroin overdose really only happens in the movies. There is 5 minute window of life-saving opportunity, and if someone had been aware of the signs, Artie might still be here. After 5 minutes, however, irreversible brain damage occurs - that in itself was a painful reality. And just so you know, overdose from straight heroin is rare - most overdoses occur because the person took another drug that either interacted adversely with the heroin or intensified it's effect. Xanax is a common "supplement" to take with heroin; I educated myself on this subject because I wanted to know what he went through during the overdose – I had to know he didn’t suffer. That would have been unbearable.

For those of you who now pass judgment because of the way he died, just know that Artie never stood a chance. Addiction is genetic and hereditary – both of my parents (Artie’s maternal grandparents) were alcoholics/prescription pill addicts (specifically, valium) who passed on the addiction gene to all 3 of us girls and we, in turn, passed it on to all of our's. Artie’s father’s side of the family has identical addiction issues on both sides so I will never blame Artie for what happened. His loss, of course, was the greatest one of all.

If you knew Artie and want to post a note to him here, please feel free to do so. If you didn't know Artie but like to browse this site, feel free to leave a comment also. I admit that I look at the other sites on here because, as I mentioned above, I want to know how people died. Anyway, this is where I will be posting my frequent notes to him. I know of no other place to do this and it's something I have to do. I am Megan's sister, Artie and Austin's aunt, and an equally devastated family member. Thanks for stopping by.

I love you, Artie.

Tributes

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August 21, 2023

And here we are, another year down this road on a trip no one wants to take. I can't believe we haven't seen you or spoken to you, in 12 years. Twelve fucking years, Artie.

They say it get easier - no it doesn't. You are still gone. The feeling of loss does not decrease with time, and it actually gets enhanced from the distance since you were last alive. One of life's special fuckerys is how bad I want to talk to you about your own death. Same with Matt. I just think finally knowing your death date would be mindblowing, as well as your cause of death. Just to trip on all of it with you is something I've wanted so badly since the day you died, but have to live with knowing it will never be possible. Like I said, a life fuckery.

I spend a lot of time in my head, with many hours sitting in utter silence. I would hear you if you tried to talk to me, Artie. I truly don't believe there is anything beyond death, and if there is, we will wish there wasn't. I hope I'm wrong. Talk to me, Arthur.

I love you.

May 18, 2023

I love you Artie. Wish I could see you!

August 22, 2022

The last time I visited Arthur's tribute page was two years ago. My son Tyler was one of his friends, but also sadly he passed away as well. It never gets much easier as time goes by but the memories remain for a lifetime. RIP Arthur, you will be always missed but never forgotten.

August 21, 2022

Eleven years today, Artie. Blows my mind. The tears flow just as easily today as they always have. The same feeling of suffocation and helplessness - nothing changes but the date. Everyone's life changed forever the day you died. Nothing remained, nothing returned to "normal". We have reluctantly adapted to this new life out of necessity. But I would bet my bank account that not a single one of us wouldn't give up everything we have, just to go back to the days before your death. Nothing good that happens to any of us, could ever compare to how great it would have been with you here. How does one reconcile what is, with what could have been? That is why life is merely tolerable. I never do anything for the sake if having fun. I do things so someone else can benefit in some way, or whatever. But with so much missing from the essence of life, none of that matters to me anymore. You were a huge part of that essence, Arthur. And you are forever gone. You are forever loved. You are forever missed.

Please visit your brother today for his birthday, Artie. He has always suffered in silence. I love you.

May 18, 2022

Happy Birthday, Artie. We're coming up on 11 years without you - how crazy is that? Life moves on, doesn't it? All your friends getting older, getting married, having children, living life. And here you are, forever 20 years old. You will never get married, will never see your daughter graduate, never teach her how to drive, never walk her down the aisle. So many experiences that most take for granted, and you will never get the chance. How can life be so unfair?

Then again, you may be the lucky one, Artie. You would probably be appalled at the state this country is in. I'm glad you didn't have to witness the decline of the nation, because it's shameful.

We miss you, Artie. We love you so much. I hope you are hanging with Matt, Mollie, Layla and Bruiser. I love you, Arthur.

Aunt Michele

November 25, 2021

Wow, Artie, I came to do a tribute for you and the site immediately coughed up one I completed but never published, so I just did.

What I came here to do, though, is apologize. I haven't left you a message in a long time. I feel really bad about that. My soulmate, Mollie Mae, died on July 21, 2020 - one of the worst days of my life, right along with August 21, 2011. I had her euthanized, Artie, and regretted it with my whole being the second she drew her last breath. I would have given my life a thousand times over to bring her back to me but she was gone forever. I have died every day since and literally can't live with myself anymore. Then Matthew died in that horrific car accident on December 9, 2020 - five months after losing Momma (Mollie) - and my life has been shit ever since. I really just want it to be over now so I can go find you, Matt and my girls.

We have hit the mark that I dreaded so much - the ten year anniversary of you death. Ten fucking years, Arthur. How did we possibly survive losing you? Of course, I wouldn't call it surviving, because we don't "live" anymore. None of us do. We don't go out seeking fun things to do or looking to have a good time - we simply exist in limbo, waiting for the end to come and claim our souls. It's pathetic, really, but I don't want to fix my life. I'm done with it, and I look forward to it being done with me. Until then, we shall miss you just as desperately as we always have. I love you, Arthur.

November 25, 2021

Artie, I was telling someone about you tonight - specifically, how you wanted to be black so bad when you were about 6 or 7, because your best friend at the time was black and you just thought it would be the coolest thing. I also told him that you wished you had been born when you could have come of age in the 80's - between you and me, Artie, it was the best time ever in my life. I turned 18 in 1980 so I lived your dream. Wished you could have lived a dream of your own, Artie. You just have no idea how profoundly every thought of you feels still to this very day. I can't believe you've been gone 8 years now

September 11, 2021

Whats up Artie! Random moments i get memories of you. For example, when we lived off orlando in el cajon your aunt and mom bought me kfc chicken strips haha. so now anytime i go there its an immediate memory of you. Some might not the memories to come to life but for myself you may be gone but definitely not forgotten. Man you are unbelievably missed brotha. The impact that you left on all the friends speaks that you were a real one! I wonder how your families doing. Specially little austin who aint so litte. Keep a watch over us bro. Ill have a beer for you tonight. Rest in paradise Artie. Loved and missed young one!!

September 10, 2021

Hello Arthur. It’s mom. You know if there’s anyway you can give me a sign that your around....I sure would embrace it. It’s been ten years son....and this life is so full of void. Losing you Artie has changed me. I’m incapable of being the same person I use to be when you were still here. I feel totally responsible for you losing your life. I was far from perfect and that being a understatement, I just don’t know how to process grief, especially because I keep the blame knowing I just could have been a better example. It’s been close to five years now since I’ve seen your father. We talk. Sometimes. But he is in Cali and I’m in Missouri. He is actually doing quite well. He changed his life and is a better person. Very responsible and he’s never going back to his old ways. I’m going to Cali the first or second week of October, to see Erica and Austin, his wife, my friends Laura & Joe and your dad. But if I have to get vaccinated to go then, we’ll I won’t be going. I’m sure you know that Matt died. We are still reeling from his horrific death. Wes & Maryon and your aunt Michele, Autum and your other cousin Lindsay & big & little Jayson & Caleigh all live out here in Troy, MO. Matt was moving out here too when he got into a devastating car accident in a older model Chevy Suburban, it destroyed him. His tire blew and the SUV rolled several times with the impact obliterating his beautiful face. All the weight from the vehicle and all his belongings crushed him from the neck up. And what’s the hardest for us to accept is he was alive all by himself, for what we are told, fifteen minutes, til the ambulance could get there. He was in rural South Dakota on his way here when he was killed.
Artie where ever it is that we all end up when we pass on, since you are already there, please son make sure there’s a place for your Aunt Michele. She’s the one I worry about and fear that she won’t be with us in, what I prefer to believe, Heaven. No more room I guess to continue writing, it’s guiding me to close my draft and publish. Ok ok I love you so much Artie, so much! I’ll look for signs from you but I look forward the most to seeing you again. It will be soon. Love mom.

July 27, 2020

Artie, every time I get on this site, this tribute to you, my heart starts beating really hard & really fast. This is all I have. It shouldn’t be this way. This shouldn’t be the only place I have to visit you. But it’s reality. I can’t thank your aunt Michele enough for creating this web page. What would I do if she hadn’t. I’m so broken Artie and so lost because my first born isn’t here. You were so vital to my life. Without you I’m void of purpose. I almost feel worthless and it’s not fair to Austin but I can’t even commit to life. One moment I’m busy and the next I’m lacking. Lacking focus, lacking direction, lacking any kind of enthusiasm to even complete a task. And then lacking any damm conscious to even give a damm. I just don’t have a passion for life anymore. I can pretend sometimes tho. But that’s even hard. And I certainly don’t want any pity, got enough of that myself for the poor soul who even tries to understand me. My moods swing with out any effort. And I’m just waiting........,.,waiting..........to see you again. Will never give up hope on seeing you again. Love mom

May 15, 2020

Thank you Dana Snoke for reaching out and leaving Arthur a msg. I so appreciate it. This life is not easy and your pain from losing Tyler Snoke , and my pain from losing Arthur will be with us until we reunite in Heaven.
Arthur I love you so much son and what would be your 29th birthday is in 3 days. A very difficult day for me. I thought as time goes on that I would deal with your death better but I miss you so much and I cry all the time still. I will be back in 3 days on May 18 to leave my heart felt thoughts & prayers for you. It just doesn’t get easier....

April 23, 2020

I never got the chance to meet you but you and my son Tyler Snoke were friends, so let me say rest well because you are missed very much with each passing day and year this pain will always be the heavy rock in the pit of our souls we will all feel for the rest of our lives. Rest in peace.

April 21, 2020

Arthur, I love you. I miss you more & more as time goes on. Today is a particularly “ BAD” day. Aunt Michele came up with that meaning “Bad Artie Day” I think of how next month you would be 29 yrs old and how handsome and mature you would be, never swaying from your extraordinary sense of humor, which you inherited from me by the way.
I just didn’t have enough time with you son! I never wanted to outlive my child. It’s a pain and an ache that keeps questioning me: why didn’t I do more to prevent this overdose. How could I not known you were using heroine. I knew you had friends that did so why was I so blind. It’s an overlook I will regret forever.
My faith in God has not carried me thru this. I’m not even comforted from faith, in fact I don’t know that I have faith anymore. I feel so separated from God, I have no trust in Him because I don’t understand Him. I lash out at Him. Because I don’t know Him. I thought I did tho.
Music that you loved when I hear it stops me in my tracks, I feel like a scoop of ice cream on a desert rock melting into the abyss of gut wrenching sadness because for a moment you are alive enjoying life, singing & laughing as I look in the rear view mirror and I catch a glimpse of your amazing eyes and they tell a story of a million miles.
You were an old soul that taught me things, most importantly to love all things. If I didn’t like something you would challenge me, giving me every reason why I should. Sometimes profound, sometimes ridiculous, there was something to be learned. Somethings I didn’t learn til after you were gone and it would hit me like a pie in the face and for a fleeting moment I could accept that in this world, you had just enough time.
Forever missed, love mom

May 18, 2019

Happy Birthday to my beautiful nephew. You would be 28 years old today and as gorgeous as it is outside, the dark clouds never go away. The haunting grief is still as acute as it's ever been but life doesn't allow us as many moments to revel in it these days.
We are expected to move on and let time "do its thing" - but that's the problem. Time doesn't heal this kind of trauma. It just buries it beneath layers of scar tissue so that other people don't have to look at the raw, open wound. We pretend we've attained a level of acceptance and healing so that people will leave us alone, to continue our mourning in those private moments where it still never fails to take our breath away. Where one can never describe the depth of sadness and despair felt at the tragic loss of such a young and vibrant life.
Your family doesn't even need to verbalize it - it is blatantly obvious how deeply we have all been affected by your death. Literally, every single one of us has been changed forever by this. No other death in my entire 56 years has defined me or my life like yours has and I wouldn't have it any other way.
It sounds so ridiculous to me to say "you are missed" because of how inadequate that statement is but the English language has failed me consistently since that day. And I need to ask you for a favor, Artie. Your Nana has been told she's close to the end and she's understandably frightened. Can you be there to welcome her when her time comes? Or better yet, show her a sign now to let her know everything is going to be okay? Or go to her in her dreams and tell her to ignore what they are telling her and to fight back. Let her know that the power of the mind is stronger than the weakness of the body. Just please try to bring her a little peace of mind, okay? I love you, Artie. And if the "recycling" rumor is true, please don't do your next round until we can see you again. Playing tag in that sense would be hard for all to deal with.
Watch over Austin, Artie, and never let him out of your sight. We are so proud of him and I know you would be his greatest supporter and fan. The women in his life love him like no other but we can never fill the void left by you. He would never let anyone else in to take that up that space anyway. He has always been very private in his mourning but never has there been a doubt of its existence. It's like he doesn't want attention brought to his suffering because he wants to keep it as vital and alive as possible, and exposing it to daylight will weaken and degrade it. To witness your memory fade in any way is, by far, the most distressing fear I live with these days and I will do what I can to keep it alive. I love you, Arthur, and your absence is felt in every moment and in every movement. Be at peace and please come and visit us if you can - we need to know you are okay. And please forgive the redundancies - I never go back and read what I've already written so there will be many thoughts repeated. But it's only because they are still relevant and it all comes from the heart. I love you.
Love,
Aunt Michele

December 15, 2017

Hi, Artie. Just wanted to let you know that I posted a photo of another "Artie tat" - this one is your friend Michael Johnson, who has a beautiful tribute tattoo on his lower leg. That is a total of 9 that I found pictures of but I know there are a couple more to get. I love you, Artie, and miss your life something fierce. There really is no expressing the depth of sorrow felt by all when you died, such was the impact you had on lives. Yesterday, I felt heartbroken all over again when I just sat in silence and thought about all the time and experiences you've missed out on in the last 6 years. That is the tragedy of your death - how could someone that once was so alive and vital, be only ashes under glass now? A universal injustice, for sure. Love you, Artie. I will always fight to keep your memory alive and I will never, ever forget.

May 18, 2017

arthur its nana. happy birhday my love. i miss u more than u can imagine.. Kylie is always aware of u i will forever keep your memory alive for her. She still talks to u but of course u know that. I dont know how ive made it all these years without u . When kylie was a baby i sang her the honey bunny song just like i did to u . none of us r the same artie. I hope u are with pop pop and granma liz HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL GRANDSON I LOVE U SO NANA

May 17, 2017

Hi, Artie. Tomorrow is your birthday and I've been crying all month off and on. May is always bad but so is August. All I have to do is visit this site and the tears start immediately, regardless of the time of year. I come here so often but don't leave any new messages because I usually can't see to type. I always wait until I'm alone so no one can see me because people judge and no one will ever make me feel bad about crying over you again. Besides, this is between you and me and no one else.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch and just started crying hysterically. I don't know why that happens but there is no stopping it when it does. It's like that first day all over again, and I don't care how much time passes, that horrific, soul-destroying pain will never subside or lessen even a degree. Shattered hearts are never fully restored since there is always pieces never recovered - such is our life now. I don't even know how to deal with those crushing thoughts of just how long you've been gone now. Every year that you get farther away, the pain increases considerably because I'm terrified that you will be forgotten. I read obituaries about overdose deaths all the time. A newspaper did an article that listed 52 overdose deaths and in the comments, I left your full name so others are aware of your tragic death. I've put your name on my eBay page, among other opportunities, just to send it out to the ethers so it will never go away. I've told you before, but one of the most traumatic events for me was the day we went and viewed your body. On the way home, I realized that they were going to be cremating you that day and I just couldn't handle it. The thought of all traces of you being wiped off the face of the earth was fucking destroying me and I will never forget that feeling for the rest of my days.

Anyway, Artie, I wanted to say Happy Birthday today because I won't be in any condition to do it tomorrow. As it is, my eyes are going to be swollen and my face puffy as fuck because I'm already a mess from this. My poor dogs never understand these crying jags - "that black cloud is coming down" - how appropriate those words just played in the background music (Knocking on Heaven's Door). By the way, I hope you don't mind the music I chose. I can't make any changes right now because it doesn't recognize me as the administrator since I went back to my maiden name but I'm working on getting that fixed.

I love you, Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten, and to say you are so very missed would be a vast understatement. This kind of pain could so easily be life-ending. Love you, Artie.

Aunt Michele

October 4, 2016

Artie, its mom. I can barely write because of the tears. Its been over 5 years and like your aunt Michele said its the time that keeps passing that is so sad. I still to this day have moments where I can't believe you died. I feel it in my bones Artie that this was so wrong, you weren't suppose to die. Its so hard to explain but it felt like a set up. I can't shake the feeling. I don't understand it. I just wish I could see you one time and if you told me that you wouldn't trade coming back to this world for where you are now I could actually gone on in life, not happily but at least maybe I could stop hating God , hating my life, because Artie when I mourn your death honey I mourn for my sister Michele, your father, brother, grandmother, daughter and countless others who are forever saddened and affected by your passing. To see your name on a memorial will always steal my breath from me. I am not well Artie. My memory is slipping something terrible. Like early onset of Alzheimer's. It truly scares me. My faith has taken a big hit as well. I don't know what to believe anymore. God isn't to me what He once was. I don't trust Him at all and never will. I dread what he has planned for me in the future and it destroys my days and makes life hopeless. I hate this world and this life with you not in it. But I will always love you son far more than my own life. If its true and you really are in heaven and when I do die and somehow if I make there myself, your face better be the first one I lay eyes on. It has to be you son please. I'm living my life down here with a constant feeling of incompleteness, like missing one of my limbs or something and I can't stand it. Can't stand the agony anymore. OK Arthur my first born son I will go for now, I don't want to but I'm tired and need to go to bed. Its late but I couldn't sleep because you've been on my mind so heavy lately, especially when I'm with my grandson Hunter who will never have the blessing of knowing his uncle Artie. He is my saving grace and with out him I probably wouldn't still be in this .miserable world. I love you then, now, and always my precious baby boy, til we meet up again.....love mom

September 19, 2015

Artie its Nana I love and miss you more than you can imagine. Tom and I take good care of Kylie. She is so much like you. When we see a butter fly she says"There's daddy Aarthur" As long as I live Artie I will keep your memory alive to her. I show her pictures and talk of you all the time. My life is not the same any more Artie> you were my "honey bunny" I love you forever,Nana

August 21, 2014

Three years ago today, almost to the minute, we got the news that would forever change the landscape of our lives. Being with your mom when she got the call from Shelby is still the single, most horrific moment in my lifetime. Hearing her scream, "Artie's dead!!!" is forever branded in my psyche. When I relive that exact moment of hearing it for the first time, the tears flow immediately and uncontrollably. How in the hell do people survive this shit? I don't get it. You mom blows me away, Artie, because I would have taken the path of less pain had it been me.

You are so missed by so many people. My heart feels too fuckin' heavy all the time behind your death and I'm not sure how much longer I can carry it around, Artie. Your father has gone off the deep end because of his guilt and I'm scared for your mother's life. Your brother has moved 2,000 miles away. Remember talking with your mom about what would happen if someone in your small family died? You said the family would be "destroyed". How right you were. When something valuable breaks, you can try to glue it together....unless a piece is missing. Then there's nothing you can do to make it stay in one piece. I was thinking today that even winning the lottery would mean absolutely nothing to me because you're not here to share in it. I don't even play anymore - there's no point.

I saw where another life was lost - Gage Dyke. Born the same year as you and died 3 years, minus 1 day, after you. So many have passed since you died, Artie. When will it end? I love you so much and, as always, the offer still stands - trade my life for yours in a hot second. Still waiting for someone to take me up on it. Please give me a sign - any sign - that you are in existence somewhere. Please, Artie.

Love you,
Aunt Michele

May 19, 2014

Happy Birthday to you, Artie. This is the 3rd year you won't get to hear those words spoken to you. A thought I posted to Facebook a couple of months ago came to me out of the blue - it's been almost 3 years since anyone laid eyes on you, heard your voice or got a hug from you. Three years since you got to take a shower, eat dinner or hug your daughter. Fuckin' tragedy. It's just a fuckin' tragedy, Arthur.

I apologize for not writing for quite a while - I've been working on the sterling silver memorial necklaces for your mom and I. A photo of my finished work will be posted on here for your memory to see. I almost don't want to stop working on them because it feels like a link to you, but your mom's is done and I need to let go.

I love you, Artie, and think about you all day long, every day. Your death will never be anything but the worst thing that I've ever experienced, bar none. I'm grateful for one thing only - that you didn't go out in an act of violence. "Random" must have had a moment of "mercy".

Love you, Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten V - always.

Aunt Michele

May 18, 2014

I never knew this man, this Arthur, or Artie as his close friends knew him, but I have friends that are affected by his passing. My name is Austin, I'm 22, and also like to mix drugs and alcohol, so I can't help but feel a little affected as well by this. Random is the perfect word to describe Arthur's Death, for it could have been anyone who OD'd that night. But as chaotic and as random as this universe is, it was the fate of Arthur to be taken, and for no apparent reason. But what isn't random is the fact that he STILL has a group of friends who will remember him every single year and take if even a second to mourn his existence. And that is not something too many people have.
I didn't know him but I still love him, and I'm sorry for anyone who personally knew Arthur. He seemed like a great person to know.

February 3, 2014

Hi, Artie. Feeling the loss of you really bad right now. Don't get me wrong - it's always bad. But when it's like this, I'm literally on the verge of tears at all times and whenever I'm alone for even a moment, they fall freely and won't stop. I'm so scared of time that passes and separates you from your family even more. Oh, my god, Artie, I can't believe you are just gone. Gone for good and nothing, or no one, can ever change that for us. That's the hardest thing to wrap my head around - that nothing I say, do or accomplish will ever make a difference or change anything at all. I've always found that, somehow, some way, things can be changed. But not this. There is just no way out of this nightmare. I will do just about anything to avoid mental suffering but I can't run away from this one.

I am so sorry, Artie. I know, if you still exist in this universe, you hear me say this to you just about every day but I can't help it. I am so incredibly sorry for what happened to you. It doesn't matter that it wasn't my fault directly - I will be sorry until the day I die, too. Which, really, I hope is soon. But you probably know that already, too.

I love you, Arthur Llewellyn VanBenSchoten V. I pray your consciousness didn't cease at the moment of your death because that would mean you don't have a clue what has happened - and things are bad enough as it is without that additional devastating thought. Being an atheist is hell when it comes to the death of a loved one, Artie. Trust me when I tell you that. Love you, Artie. Your birthday is coming up in a few short months - I dread it with all that I am. Miss your life, nephew.

Love, Michele

December 16, 2013

You know, Artie, my heart stops every time I see your name on this website. I remember the first time I scrolled thru the "A's" - when your name appeared, I wanted to throw up. Why is it so incredibly difficult to see your name with the words "Rest in Peace"? It sickens me so much to see, to hear it, to read it, to know it. This should not have happened, Artie. You were not supposed to go first. How could it have been "your time", Artie? I've heard that you knew you were going to die and you said your goodbyes in your own way. How did you know? Because I've felt like that for a few months but I just thought I was tripping or something. Still, I'm taking steps to make sure I don't leave a bunch of unfinished business for others to have to deal with - shit like that. I can't help but wonder if that's how you felt. So many things I want to ask you, Artie....... Love you.

Aunt Michele

December 15, 2013

Artie, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of depression behind your death. Time continues to pass quickly - I can barely see this thru my tears - but the pain your death has caused gets worse. I think about you each and every day but there are times when my guard is down and I get hit by surprise with the shocking thought, "Oh my fuckin' god, Artie's dead." I will sit there and just trip so hard on it. How could you go before us? That wasn't supposed to happen, for fuck's sake.

This morning, I had the first-time experience of seeing your whole life flash by in a second and I couldn't believe the overwhelming sadness I felt - and am feeling again now - and I'm not sure why. Your life seems so tragic to me now because, unfortunately, I know how the story ends. Then I see people moving on and no matter that I knew it was inevitable, it does not temper the pain one little bit. How can these people go on with their lives when so often I can barely breathe in mine?

Today is your mother's birthday and when I messaged her on Facebook to give birthday wishes, I couldn't believe how sad I felt about it. That is bizarre to me but I know this day is filled with sadness for her.....but then again, every day of her life is tragically sad now. Oh, Artie, do you even know what you did? Somehow, I don't think so. But that's why I believe religion was first created - because we just can't handle this shit of losing our loved ones. Plain and simple. Sorry to dump on you like this, babe, but I don't think you'll ever see read this. That won't stop me from pretending, though - fake it 'til I make it, I guess. I love you, Artie. I will take a pic of my memorial necklace that I wear for you - even though it's not done yet. I have the block letters but the chain I had put aside for it isn't long enough to work with the other one.

Please come back, Artie. No one was done with you yet and the grief is unrelenting - you can take it all away and make everyone and everything better if you would just come back to us. Oh, my god, Artie, what have you done? Would you have ever believed that one reckless decision could have resulted in the death and destruction of so much? Just the tears shed for you since you've been gone must be a small ocean but what about the tears to come? Kylie will cry for you throughout her life - every time she's hurt or bullied or taken advantage of, she'll wish she had you there for support. Her mother is wonderful but all little girls need their daddy. I lost mine at 13 so I know exactly how this will affect the rest of her life and that makes me so endlessly sad for her.

I must end this now, Artie - I didn't want to go all here but sometimes I just can't control these things. Love you so very much, my nephew, and would give anything in this world to have you back. I will never, ever stop crying for you, Artie. Love your guts -

Aunt Michele

November 14, 2013

I've known Artie since I was 9. We lived on Orlando st. In El Cajon. I remember going to the beach with him and Austin and there aunt. We had moved and a few years later I ran into him at motel 6. It was like things had never changed. We hit it off from where we left. Your forever in our hearts brother! Keep a close watch on us from above. We love you and miss you Artie! Rest in paradise!

September 8, 2013

My heart to you and your family. Artie is one who got to heaven before us. God bless you. And for Art & Megan alway remember as hard as it may be alway look above for it is His job to look down. Be safe. I love you

August 24, 2013

Arthur, I think about you everyday. I have you up on my mantle where I can see you and talk to you whenever I want but it's not enough. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss your bear hugs and us talking. I hate that you are not here to see how absolutely amazing your daughter is. I miss you. I get to talk about you daily because people always comment on my tattoo for you.. I love you to the mo

August 21, 2013

I miss you man. I can't believe its already been 2 years since you been gone. Kory misses you like crazy and so does everyone else. It was an honor to be your friend and to be around you. You made everyone so happy and made everyone laugh. I love you man, and cant wait to see you again. Keep watching over us and protecting us. R.I.P. Arthur VanBenSchoten Always missed, never forgotten.

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August 21, 2023

May 18, 2023

I love you Artie. Wish I could see you!

August 22, 2022

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Gallery

Me (his Aunt Michele) and my younger sister, Megan (Artie's mom) in March 2020s

333503_221905964524260_100001145735073_571350_6746105_o[1]

A really nice memorial tattoo for Artie.

Artie with his newborn daughter, Kylie Rae. He was so excited when Shelby became pregnant - he very much wanted to be a father.

Artie's cousin's forearm memorial tattoo.

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9/28/2017 from mother to beloved son

September 23, 2017

Artie hello son. I love you so much and still can barely carry the burden of your absence. To say I miss you is a understatement. I struggle every day to go on in this world. A world that is just pure evil, sense you've been gone. I don't have a relationship with God because I can't keep my mouth shut. I say mean awful things to Him and I fear they are unforgivable. There is no meaning to my life and I tredge thru it every day captive in this shell of a body doing everything I can do to destroy it. Life has no value to me and I will always resent my life here on Earth because I had to live it without you. I'm a sad story Arthur, I definitely don't want any pity I just don't want to forget any detail about you. My memory is continuing to fail me but I did learn, from your brother Austin, that suffering a tragedy like death of a child can wipe out parts of the memory because your brain is trying to cope with the unamaginable. That and going into instant menopause from a total abdominal hystrerectomy. So my days start on the battlefront. I wake up absolutely clueless as to why I went to sleep, what do I have to do today, do I have money, how am I getting there, I remember nothing and it's a chore just to live another day. But not a day goes by that I don't go thru all the emotions when I think of you. I catch a glimpse of the clock at 11:11 all the time and I find comfort in believing you are here on Earth with your troops collecting souls. I believe you are busy all the time because you are working for God, taking orders from Jesus, and one day I hope it will be my soul that you come to collect. I don't want to go to hell and I'm afraid that's where I'm going cause I lash out at your boss every day. You have to come collect your aunt Micheles soul too okay, please don't leave her behind Artie I am counting on you, just because she doesn't believe in God doesn't make her a criminal. She belongs in heaven too. I have to go son cause I need to catch a bus home but please come see me Artie, stay with me a while, let me know you are near. I look forward to your presence. Love Mom

Hi, Artie

October 27, 2014

I just got hit by "you" out of the blue and I started crying within seconds - it just never fails to lose its impact. The sorrow and grief are still so sharp and acute, it seems as though no time has passed at all. It's just not healing this wound.

The same thought comes to me during times like this - how in the fuck did we lose you, Artie? How did we unknowingly let go of you? How do people deal with this shit? And how is it that the older you get, the harder we take it? I fight the urge every day to go looking for you, Artie. It's like I need to know you're okay; I need go know what happened to you when you died and where you went, if we go anywhere at all. I highly doubt the existence of "life after death" but if there is none, I won't even be aware of it......just like you wouldn't be. The thought of that is worse for me - I so very badly want you to know what happened on August 21, 2011. And since then, because nothing has been even remotely close to the same since your death.

Not a single thing in life is better than before - au contraire, Arthur. It is barely worth living anymore. The loss we have sustained has taken more than your life - it has taken ours as well.

I just don't get how women survive what your mother has suffered when she lost you. I just found out that the son I gave up for adoption at birth - the one I've been hoping would contact me when I sent a message via Facebook - has been dead for 5 years. He had already died so he never got my message. That has been devastating enough so I'm completely clueless how your mom made it through. Joshua was 21 years old, Artie - a year older than you were. It's like this family is cursed and has been for generations. Doing the family tree, I've seen many that died somewhat young - 41 to 50 years old. Not as young as you and Joshua, though. You two didn't have a chance to experience life. I don't know how he died, Artie. I suspect suicide, for some reason. Or overdose, but maybe that's because of how you died. I will search for the cause of his death until my death. Anyway, I need to sign off now and, especially I need to stop crying before someone sees me. I hate having to explain myself - I just want to grieve in solitude, as always. I love you, Artie, and I will never stop feeling your loss or the sharp, burning pain that goes along with it. Hope you're still saving my seat. Love you, Arthur Llewellyn Van Ben Schoten V, and please forgive my many redundancies. That will happen in a one-sided conversation such as ours.

Love,
Aunt Michele

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