I'm really missing you and I wish I would have made amends with you when you were still alive. It tortures me everyday wondering if you ever knew that I was actually very proud of you. I wish I had just one more day to tell you everything I needed to tell you. I love you brother and I'm sorry the way I treated you I hope when we see eachother in heaven you will be able to forgive me. Forever missed brother
Tributes
Leave a tributeI'm really missing you and I wish I would have made amends with you when you were still alive. It tortures me everyday wondering if you ever knew that I was actually very proud of you. I wish I had just one more day to tell you everything I needed to tell you. I love you brother and I'm sorry the way I treated you I hope when we see eachother in heaven you will be able to forgive me. Forever missed brother
Leave a Tribute
I'm really missing you and I wish I would have made amends with you when you were still alive. It tortures me everyday wondering if you ever knew that I was actually very proud of you. I wish I had just one more day to tell you everything I needed to tell you. I love you brother and I'm sorry the way I treated you I hope when we see eachother in heaven you will be able to forgive me. Forever missed brother
Chad
This is Nicole and Naomi. As we were growing up, Mom told us so much about you. When she heard that you had died she didn't want to believe it. It tore her to pieces. Mom tried so hard to move on after you left but she couldn't. You would be so proud how we grew up. We are honor students and we are 17 yrs old now. Naomi and I will be graduating High School in June 2023. I, Nicole have been studying French, and Naomi has been studying Medical Patient Care, and Sign Language. Nicole played the Clarinet and me Naomi played the Hobo. We are taller than Mom. Mom has been trying to get us to enjoy life and to have fun but we are totally into our books. She lied about our death to protect us, to be quite honest we really don't blame her. All we have is pictures of us with a bear on your bed, and Mom told us when she use to come home from school our diapers were off and we would go in the fridge and pull out the butter and put it all over the floor and we would slip and slide and you and mom would clean up butter and throw us in the tub. Well here is a picture of what we look like now. Love Nicole and Naomi Singer.
Soul Mate
Hi, Shanon. I sit here and read your thoughts as you have penned them, and it takes me back to when Chad was a child. One bright, sunny day I had a friend come to my home to visit me. She was so thrilled to show me her new baby daughter. Her baby was so tiny, with a little nose that sort of turned up on the end, and a precious smile that immediately grabbed your heart. Chad was in the house that day. He watched and listened to all the "Ooo's and ahhh's", and then I looked at him and asked if he would like to hold the baby. He shyly shrugged but then held out his arms as I placed the little one next to his heart. And I will never forget the look in his eyes and on his face. I knew in that moment exactly how he would look when one day he would meet the woman he wanted to share his life with. And I knew how he would look when he sat and held his own daughter. That look is on his face in the pictures Lanae has given to me...the pictures of him and Ayden in the hospital. It was the look of pure love shining through his eyes, gazing into the eyes of the one who had captured his heart. Had he expressed how he felt he would have said that look was familiar to him..it was the way he looked at you, Shannon. It was the look of love for his soul mate.
Thank you for loving my son the way you do. And for sharing your life with him on these pages. I have been enriched and blessed by your kindness.
Beauty
I spent most of yesterday in tears. They sometimes start in the morning and drift like a slow moving stream throughout the day. Yesterday was like that. Many times I can cry myself thru writing this timeline, many times I wait until its over to cry. It's sometimes very hard to connect with other people. And I don't mean the people that are part of the everyday circuit-raising your coffee cup to the neighbor, a wave to the postman, a thank you to the checker at the grocery store. No, the hard ones to connect to are the people that love you. That want you to be well-mentally, physically, emotionally. Two of my loving friends this week, told me I look like shit. Ha They were very nice about it; but the jest was the same. This this sorrow/anger/madness is taking it's toll. The computer at the DMV didn't recogize me. I had to actually have manager approval because there was more than a 70% variance in my facial features. yeah. I can see it; I don't recognize myself anymore either. I liked the me I saw in Chad's eyes. That was the one that I used to measure my appeal, my beauty. The lady in the mirror now just always looks sad, even with a smile on her face. The only time I know myself is when I'm holding Ayden in front of the mirror. That woman I recognize. Momma. But by myself, it's another story. When we find a mate that we love, we invest a part of our personality, dreams, and future into that fusion. The part of me that was vested has died as well. I've started listening against to the Silva Life System, unfortunately I'm stumbling thru the first chapter in ways I never have before. It asks each person to identify the core emotions/triggers that create stress or failure. To learn to recognize them. Then to infuse then with a new more positive identity. I positively want those little bastards to rot/die in jail. That is an affirmative. But as for putting the storybook finish on the life Chad and I were creating...well, that's gone now. I have to find another storyline to believe in, huh? How to become the champion that Ayden needs so that she can thrive. In that, failure is not an option. She's toddling along beside me these days needing me to only hold one hand. She is a brave, beautiful little girl. I am so very proud of and for her. She wakes every day with a smile. Just incredible.
My tears began yesterday when my friend offered to watch Ayden so I could go get my hair cut. And yeah, color these offensive grey hairs that keep peeking thru. haha It just hit me. She wasn't talking about the trim the split ends kind of thing. She was talking about beauty. Appearance. Attractiveness. And I noted that a vital part of my experience with Chad had been the unnecessary 'worry' of socialital nuances. I was beautiful. Every day. Even if I needed to shave my legs. Ha There was never a situation of letting myself go, I radiated with love. I knew what love was, I didn't need products, surgery, or pomp to know that Chad loved and accepted me.
Sigh. I have to be honest and say that the last time I really cared what I looked like was for Chad's funeral. I represented well. Since then...I think I've put on make up once in the past eleven weeks... What a wonderful byproduct of love that real beauty is. I have been blessed to know what that was.