My dearest Hayden...time passes by and I still wait for you to come home...I know I'm just dreaming
love you always
miss you forever
mom

Happy Birthday bruder!
Life's been really hard lately and I wish you were here to talk to. I'm working at a bakery these days so I'm gonna light a cupcake in your memory. I miss you like crazy and know that you're watching over me. <3 I love you bruder.

Hayden forgive me baby for not writing to you yesterday on your 25th birthday. I was at Duke with my eyes as always. I know you heard all the Happy Birthday wishes and the I love you's. You went away too soon baby, Love mom

Happy birthday bruder. It's hard to believe you would have been 25 today. It's been a rough year without your level-headedness to keep me sane and I miss you each and every day. I still have that necklace you gave me for Christmas years ago, and whenever I wear it I know you're looking down on me. I wish you were here to meet Ginger, she's the best cat in the world and I know she'd love you. I wish Beth and I could make you a cake like we did for your last birthday you were with us.
I love you Bruder. <3

Hayden your birthday is coming up very soon. I miss you like crazy.  My heart will forever be broken. Rest my baby and know that mommy loves you!

I think it just hit me that you're gone. I wore the necklace you bought me the other day... I miss you so much brudder. I remember when me you and Beth would go do stuff together. Do you remember that time I went with you and your family to Wilson? When i rode on the floor in the back seat of Huck's truck? Or when me and Beth would come home from school and wake you up? When Sara would crawl into your dresser drawer? You were such an amazing person brudder and you were always there for me... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone. I love you Hayden.

Janice Marie Murray

July 21,2013, That day I will always remember...had gone down to Wilson to see granny & pa that day..got home a little after dark.. Hayden was standing in the kitchen snacking on something...I was so glad to see him cause he had been away on a mini vacation visiting friends..we stood in the kitchen and talked he seemed to be in a really good mood..he had taken his brother Gavin out to eat earlier that evening...I showed him some old pictures on the I-PAD of him and others...we laughed! I asked if he had to work that night..he said he was leaving around 10-10:30..later, he was on the computer printing something...WHY DIDN'T I GO OVER TO SEE WHAT HE WAS PRINTING? WHY DIDN'T I TALK MORE WITH HIM THAT EVENING/ WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME HE WAS HURTING THAT BAD? why, why, why? I relive that evening over and over everyday...I had no idea that would be my last day seeing him, my last day to give him a hug, to tell him how much I love him...Hayden was leaving that night, went out the door and then back in as if he had forgotten something..stood in the kitchen a minute and then left for good...Why didn't I get up from watching tv and go to him then...I just sat there, asked him if he needed something he said no...I told him to have a good night at work, to be careful and that I loved him..Hayden replied, "love you too mom"
July22,2013, I woke up about 7:30 so I could unlock the screen door for Hayden...he was usually home by 8:00..i fell asleep on the couch waiting for him that morning...about 9:30 a knock on the door, I thought to myself why is Hayden knocking...at the door wasn't Hayden, instead was three strangers...they asked to come in...they said they were detectives and a grief counselor..they told me my son had committed suicide at a park near by around 3-4 am...shot gun in the chest, notes to family, friends, & one to the police dept...that was what Hayden was printing that night suicide notes...he had been planning this tragic event...I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, why? he worked two jobs, was going to college, stayed home, was free to go and come and I know he knew how much he was loved...what was going on in his life I didn't know, I didn't see..i try to be strong for Elizabeth & Gavin and in front of others but I'm dying inside

Hayden I have your picture sitting by the fireplace so I can see it all the time. I also have a candle sitting by it that I light for you. You are my everything. Oh, how I miss you so much! I love you baby! I'm so sorry for not knowing how much pain you were in. Mothers are suppose to know things like that but, I missed it and I'm sorry. Rest peacefully now. It's Gods turn to take care of you. Loving you always and forever, mom.

I still can't believe you are gone. I keep waiting for you to walk through the door at any given moment and ask me, "What's for supper, Mom?" Waiting for the hugs that you gave so willingly with a big smile on your face. I miss our mornings breakfast while watching Criminal Minds on TV. And our talks in the morning after you worked all night. The stories you would tell me about work were so funny. I miss your laughter, your jokes, your scent. If I could have only known your pain, I would have traded places with you any day! My soul is broken and my heart has a big hole. I long to be with you again.