This one is for you Mum and Dad , you would have been so proud xxx

Hello mum , it's just me ,remembering the last days of your life .I have been smiling at old Indian ladies who look just like you , they turn and smile back at me ,with a hint of recognition , funny enough they had the same coat as you , mum is it you letting me know you are okay ? The roses are for you , you loved roses as do I , very thorny though , one got me in my finger to remind me of you , not because of the pain of pain , but because of the acute way loss can feel and to remind me ,you are near.

I am a Cancer Nurse Sister mum , I think you would be so pleased , I will do my best to look after my patients and always think of you and dad when giving that care .

This week is hard mum, it's like you were just here , but you are not .Alex is such a big grown up boy , still has no sense though ! He has your photo by his bed .

Mum,it is hard ,it has been hard not having you here , sometimes there is nothing to anchor us , sometimes drifting feels so uncertain ,but I am your daughter and I don't really let anything get the better of me . I wish I could have you back with us well and happy , there was so much life to live yet .God bless you mum .Sat Sri Akal xxx

It is the second Mother's Day since mum died ,and whilst you always think you are better than you were ,certain dates in the calendar still jolt you into remembering,that now there is no mum .Its also quite a funny story ,I always used to say to mum ,what shall I get you for Mother's Day ,and she would say I have everything ,don't need anything , and I would say that's great then I will give a satsuma and a bag of nuts ! She would laugh and say ,don't forget it's your birthday next month !!! Meaning if I wanted a good present ,I had better not give her a satsuma ! This carried on for years ,and now you are gone .I miss you today not because I need a birthday present but because you have left a gap that can't be filled .Everyone needs their mum ,just like I need you .God bless you mum .Happy Mother's Day xxx

For you dad 

This one is for my dad ,16 years ago today at 6pm my dad passed away at St Marys Hospice Birmingham .He was so sick ,but smiled until the very end .As a nurse I have always trusted my instincts ,and on that day 15 years ago ,I knew the end had come ,it was quite tragic and so very sad ,a dramatic and sorrowful ending .He wanted to live so much .Some patients are glad when the end comes ,especially when they know it is coming , not my dad though ,he was determined to stay alive .

My dad ,loved a glass of whiskey or several ,a roast dinner and gammon and chips , he made such good chips .Mothers are in charge of houses and homes ,but my dad had a great big heart and was an all round good person ,known and loved by many .There were tough times ,but we all have those !!! Time passes ,the heart ache turns to a memory and pain becomes softer .

We will never stop remembering you dad ,never stop loving you .You would be proud of the people we are and the things we have achieved .Alex still loves Pear Drops or Drop Pears as he used to call them .I still tell the nurses at the hospice how much you loved cake and custard .

God bless you dad , we raise a glass of whiskey to your memory today ,cheers dad ,god bless your heart and soul xxxx

You took your last breath and shed your last tears ,for your life ,for your children.Now its a story to be told not to be locked away in some dark place in our hearts .I didn't stay for long after you you left ,no need really .I remember hugging Anne and then Gary and I went home .Okay ,now this is the interesting bit ! Firstly ,I phoned Alex who was away ,to tell him his Narni had died ,he loved you so much mum.Then I played Whitney Houston ,Adele ,Mariah Carey and Tom Jones ,real cut throat music .Whilst I did this ,I drank vodka ,Russian standard to be exact ,shot after shot trying to numb my heart .Then Bill phoned me ,saying that we should all be together .Gary and I got a taxi ,I could barely walk straight .I love my phabi ,she kept trying to give me food ,but all I wanted was vodka .Sorry mum,this isn't anything to do with tradition,just needed to forget for a while ,numb the pain in my heart . The places in my heart are not dark any more ,only full of love and light for you . God bless you mum xx Cheers xxx

Mum,your passing has now become a story I will remember for all of my life .

July 9th ,the day of your funeral .First things first , I must have good hair ,so a trip to Nicky Clark for a blow dry was essential ,didn't want to let you down ,needed to look my best .Then my suit pale sky blue with little purple flowers , you would have loved it .We got ready ,me ,Gary and Alex ,we drove to your house ,where Bill had done such a lovely job of making the house ready ,clean white sheets on the floor ,lots of incense,tea for the aunties. Ann and Bal arranged such lovely flowers ,you loved flowers .The house was waiting for your arrival .We put a canopy outside so no one would get wet ,it didn't rain .

Then at 11am you arrived ,covered in lilies and roses ,I thought you would like them ,you came home one last time ,I thought my heart would stop .We waited with our heads covered and pain in our hearts .The funeral director John was so respectful ,they carried you in with so much care and love whilst the priest prayed over you ,for your eternal peace and love .The lid of the coffin was opened,you looked so peaceful and prepared beautifully by Manjit and Phabi ,forgive me ,I couldn't do it ,sorry .You looked so nice ,but so sad and lonely ,always peaceful ,no more pain .There was so much pain in that room in that house that day ,it was all for you mum,we needed you to stay .i was the last one to touch you and say sat sri akal to you with my hands together in prayer ,take my essence with you I thought .The cars were spectacular ,one hearse,4 limousines and one mini bus for your friends ,the convoy down the Stratford road was a site to behold one last time for you mum it took my breath away .Your family mum paying their last respects .

You have made me proud to be Indian ,proud to be your daughter ,proud of my identity and heritage.Your story will be the best seller in my heart forever,I will never forget the day your heart stopped beating ,and mine carried on .

There are days when I remember you so much ,and those days I have to write .

God bless your soul mum ,your children did the very best for you .We love you and dad to the end of our days .Sat Sri Akal xxx

So much love for this little boy xxx

Sixteen years ago this month  ,my dad ,Pavans grandad ,Jaivans great grand dad passed away after a short illness .Photos are the only memories we have left that we can actually look at and remember those moments .You wonder were they actually real ? Pavan has his own son and family now ,dad would be so proud .My parents were lucky ,they got to know the pleasure of grandchildren ,mum knew her great grand children ,so many parents will never know this pleasure .Dad was at his best in this photo, healthy and well ,that is the best way to remember people you love ,and remember the life we were fortunate enough to live ,because our parents gave us the best lives they could .They didn't give us their old age ,so that we could always belong somewhere ,they left us too soon .

But if I have nothing else to say , I would say thank you to my dad ,for working so hard to come to the UK ,to leave all he loved behind in his home country ,so that we could have a better life ,a great life .To my mother ,for being a great mum,teaching us to be strong and independent ,we wouldn't be who we are without you ,we wouldn't be here without you .

God bless you dad ,Bill ,Pavan and Jaivan are so much like you ,it would make you burst with pride followed by a few whiskeys .I know you are always with us ,be proud dad ,look upon us especially your oldest son,and be proud ,because he has lived upto all of your expectations and so more ,achieving the things that were left in your dreams ,he is successful and happy and he has a nice car ! Mum said ,what you want a new car for ,then said  apna gee pura kar la ,sorry my Indian translation is poor! You would be so proud .

God bless you dad ,we love you always .RIP xxx

Hello mum ,it's only me .This time of year reminds me when we used to make our plans for Christmas shopping ,we would head to town and buy outfits for the grandchildren ,lego for Alex and I must say ,anything that I wanted ,I think I always got the best from you .We made mince pies ,always got stuck to the tin , but you didn't mind ,they still tasted nice .Do you remember that year we got our decorations mixed up ,and you got my very posh wooden decorations? But you acted all innocent when I asked you where you got them !!!! I miss you mum ,I miss the moments .Alex is in the air at the moment flying to Australia,would you believe it ,the little boy you used to look after is flying on his own across the world and has been since he was 17 by himself .You would be proud mum ,he is such a nice boy ,a good boy .

I wish I could buy you a Christmas present ,perhaps if I plant a tree ,you can help it grow and with each new bud maybe you could let me know you are always near . I love you mum ,I love you dad ,stay in the light xxx

Hello mum,it's only me ,I know it's been a while , I wish I could write in Punjabi ,but you know what I am needing to say .I have spent the last year searching for you ,because if I looked hard enough I would find you ,alive.I went to the Gurdwara and asked the Aunties " did you know my mum?",what I really meant was ,have you seen my mum? I went to Stratford road to Midland textiles and I bought 4 suits ,in the colours you would have loved , the man remembered you ,I just wanted to stay in the memory .I volunteered at St Mary's hospice ,I went to the room you died in ,I hoped I would find you there , but you had gone ,there was a nice lady in there though ,you had gone .Mum,I have put you and dad together in the tree of life at the hospice , look after dad ,I know he makes you cross sometimes,it's just men! I went to your house ,it was like you were still there ,everything was in the same place .I brought you some flowers and left them on the fire place ,where were you ? Mum,this time in my life has come to an end ,I won't find you now ,I could search until the end of time ,but you have gone and I won't be able to find you ,or dad.I do know where you are though,you are together ,in the wind that blows,in the sun that shines ,in those moments when my heart is so full of love ,for Alex,for Gary ,and then I know where you are .

It's so hard to accept I can't find you in physical form,but I will always keep you close ,as long as the seasons change and as long as there is love in my heart .

I love you mum ,I love you dad ,I will never forget the moment your hearts stopped beating and mine carried on.God bless you both,stay safe ,stay in the light ,there is no darkness where there is only love .xxxx

Hello mum , you would have been 78 today , that would have meant a free tv licence , at least and maybe a new cardigan . I bought this green suit material from Midland Textiles on Startford Road ,they remembered you , the little lady in the red coat .I loved buying you presents and plants and cardigans , can't even walk past Marks and Spencer's ladies wear ! Ruined my shopping plans !!! Happy birthday mum , all of my love until the end of time .God bless you ,hope you like my suit xxxx

Dear Mum and Dad,

You are both the breeze that blows on a summer day and the leaves that grow on trees.You are both the leaves on the memory tree at the hospice ,United together forever .Stay safe ,stay in the light .Our Mum and Our Dad.

Your children

Hello Mum,

Yesterday I ran in a race ,10 km to be exact , you would have said that's so far ! When I was young remember I used to run for my school in athletics and when I was going to be late home from school I would tell you I will be going to the playing fields to do training , and you would say , be careful ,and I would go ,with not a care in the world , knowing my mum would be at home just after 6pm depending on traffic,and that dad would go to pick you up from work .

I ran the Great Birmingham Run yesterday ,because now , I have no parents and no real place in the world to anchor me to my roots .Gary and Alex are my roots now , but you were my origins the very essence of my heart from whom I came.

I ran for St Mary's Hospice , I knew that would make you and dad proud , charity was very important to you both,especially dad .I had mum and dad written on my St Mary's Hospice vest so that the world would know my parents died and left me broken hearted .Gary and I both were so emotional at the start of the race because the grief was present there with us like a good friend .The race started and in true Indian style I got to the front and with a lump in my throat and pain in my heart ,I looked behind me and saw all that I had been in my life , I looked forward to all that has been lost and will never be gained again ,and then I look to the present and remember today all that I am because of you both ,my parents .The race started and I ran like I would never run again or breathe again in my life .The people along the road ,all races ,all colours shouting me on and giving me hope ,hope to live .I thought look at me ,my parents suffered so much in death but lived so much in life .As I ran I did a sat Sri akaal to the Bhangra dancers a prayer to the gospel singers and blew a heartfelt kiss to the man holding the sign ,God is love .i touched the hands of little and big children as I ran by , much to their joy and mine .Heartbreak hill approached ,I thought oh my god ,I can't do this , but with all that I am I summoned you both and you by my side ,dad to my left mum to my right ,willing me to carry on ,the wind blew in my face ,and I knew you were both there .Coming through the tunnel and up broad street , I could see the end ,and I thought this is it ,1 km left and mum,I ran and I ran in a very Tom Cruise type style ! But I made it and then saw Gary and burst into tears , because this is the first thing I have completed since you died .I would do it a thousand times again just to remember all that you and dad sacrificed for us .God bless you both .Rest in peace and don't be sad for me ,it's just the love from my heart speaking ,send me on my way with your blessings ,knowing always I am your girl .RIP xxxx

The owner of 100 grammes and his mum .God bless them both xx

This really is one of my favourite photos ,mum looks so happy ,she was so happy .So many good times in 16 Gordon Road ,mother and son ,so much like our dad ,in so many ways .Parents bring you into the world ,show you how to be the best you can and make a great life and then just when you are not looking ,they leave and you are alone ,with only memories to remind you that they once were here ,laughing and joking with you .Make a wish ,wish for a moment in time ,I wish my mum and dad were alive .

A bright, intelligent woman who loved and respected our parents so much ,knew our grandfather ,the families go back further than I can even remember .This lady was so much like my mother , uneducated,but more intelligent and streetwise savvy than anyone I had ever met ,just like my mum.She was so much fun to be around and would light up a room when she was present .She and my mum were such good friends ,would have done anything for my parents .She loved us children ,the last time we were all together was August 2013 in India , she suffered a massive stroke not long ago , maybe she needs to be with my mum.God grant her a peaceful passing xxx

In a family we all play a role , I am the youngest of four children ,although as we have gotten older we are all quite equal and the same .I think I am a lot like my mum,funnily enough I think we even look the same , sometimes I am determined not to be , because mum used to make me cross sometimes ,but I am just as resolute in my beliefs as she was ! Nothing will make me change my mind once I make a decision ,just like my mum .We take the best attributes from our parents with a sprinkling of the not so good and become well rounded ,strong ,responsible and quite good looking ,I must say ,individuals full of courage and integrity.Good job mum and dad xxx

This was a family joke ,that turned into mums final quest ,and very brave it was too ,as usual I had to fix it !!! Bill.has a gold kara ,a great one in fact ,weighs 75 grammes , pretty good you might think , but no , it was his beef with my mum , that it should be 100 grammes! Mum would say ,and where are you going to go wearing that ,and he would say I just need to feel complete and that its on my hand and I should know it is , sounds better in Punjabi .This went on for years .During the last weeks of mums life ,she was desperate to complete this quest ,so with a great deal of effort and will ,we parked up in Goldens supermarket ,and mum who could barely walk ,used her stick ,put her body weight on me ,and we made it to the jewellers and the 100g kara was born .After many alterations Bill finally got it after mum had gone .But ,it meant so much to her ,means so much to me , the will ,the determination to complete this task ,the admiration and frustration I felt , because she couldn't walk , but she still spent 30 minutes haggling with the jeweller! He and I were shocked ,we thought it was funny! These are the only things left behind when someone dies ,these are the true stories and memories.

I was using the saucepan you gave me today, i always use it when im making thurka. I always use your tumeric you gave to me in the jam jar, i wasted a bit and i got upset because you gave it to me. I want to forget that you have gone maybe thats me being selfish but i dont want to believe you have gone forever because i dont know how to deal with this hurting numbness feeling.  I thought i was dealing with it, but i keep dreaming about you and think about you every night.  I havent been able to say waheguru ji because it makes me think of you and i miss you, i prayed for you so much and baba ji didnt make you better.  I wanted you to get better but you didn't. I spent christmas at mum and dads and it was nice but i missed you we all did. What better place could you be if its not with the family, so i dont like it when others say you have gone to a better place. You were strong, you made the best roti and saabji and porridge, you gave me soaked almonds in the morning and made me this yoghurt and gramflour face mask most mornings i remember the smell. You let me in, you made me roti and asked if i was happy. I have made life choices which you werent happy with but you always let me in.  Even if you were angry with me, you used to shout "well are you not coming to have you roti" (in punjabi).  You had faith in me no matter how i felt or what i did, thank you for persuading me to do nursing, thank you for your prayers and love. I looked after a patient like you and i was rubbing her back and i started to cry, maybe im not going to be a tough nurse but your always in my thoughts.  You told me not to stress and i felt at ease instanly thats how i knew you were special to me. I want to go the gudwara tomorrow but everytime i hear waheguru it gives me goosebumps because i feel your presence.  Everyone is saying it will get easier but i dont want it to get easier i want you to be here. xx

Like every woman mum did like her house to look nice , so ,Gary ,to earn major brownie points ,decided to paint my mums kitchen with me as the supervisor .It was really good fun, that is until Gary in typical bloke style thinks he can do it better! He probably is better at painting but I was having none of it .So we scrapped most of the day , about who was rubbish at painting .Mum thought it was so funny , because while we're painting her kitchen she carried on making sabjee and chappatties around us , we were very hungry by then . Occasionally she would look up and say don't fight , work nicely , and I would say in Punjabi I am going to hit him with the paint brush in a minute , it was good fun.The irony is though ,we missed a patch behind the kitchen door and it stayed like that , mum said it was a reminder a of what a poor job we did !!!! So cheeky , she said she loved it ! I would to if I was her , I bought her matching accessories and everything ! 

Now, my mum was a bit of a cool driver , she learnt to drive almost 20 years ago ,when my dad was alive ,started with a Fiesta , passed her driving test with me in the back seat interpreting ! Mum became a bit of a speed demon, even notching up a few crashes and waved her fist and swore at some young Asians who cut her up on Jakeman road one day .She loved her car, washed it in the traditional manner at the weekend ,always carried a box of tissues and listened to radio XL Punjab on her car radio.She loved the electric Windows .She drove at 10 miles per hour , but if I gave her instructions , she was so clever , she memorised them by the landmarks along the way ,and that is how she learnt to find her way to Harborne to fetch and carry Alex for me , come to parties as the designated driver and was generally very cool and independent .The last car came to me ,after mum had one accident too many , not due to recklessness but very poor eyesight.She loved what the car signified, independence and freedom.The car came to me , very generously I might add when we came back from Australia the first time .The car was sold and the funds will buy Alex's first car,so I will keep it alive .The memories of my mum in her car with a little Alex in the back are just lovely .

I dont even know where to start or what to right .. Nan was the strongest women i think i will ever know . Words cant even describe the pain i felt the day she passed. But know i no to think about positive and hapoy times . I remember when ever i would go and see her she would always go on about my nails and how i spent too much money on clothes and shoes,but she would always say it with one hand on my knee so i knew it was from a good place.

Whenever we walked into her living room she was beam with a massive loving smile i will never forget that face and the way she would look at all of grandchildren and great grandchildren with such pride and love.

Nan did so much for all of us and her self even though she was of a certain age and didn't speak the best English she was so persistent and even learnt how to drive when grandad was ill.

I just wish i could say thanks for being such an inspiration in my life and showing me that no matter what god throws at you be the best you can be.

I love you so much nan cant wait to see you again soon hopefully i will no how to make round chapatis this time so i can make you roti with saag xxx

Mum instilled in me the virtues of life and to stand by my children no matter what. Through all the heartache she was my constant beacon. Through my lowest moments she knew how to wrap ne in her arms and make ne feel better and valued. She stood by my side and faced the world with me. At times of sorrow she showed me how much i was loved. She was taken too early i didnt have time to show her how much i truly loved her and how my whole being aches without her. I will always renember her words where she she would say be strong and the world will be strong with you. Weakness is never good. Embrace your fate and fight. My mother was strong lady who taught me so much but i still had so much to learn. Where ever you are mum please know how much i truly loved you and i will strive to be the woman you always wanted me to be.. Your grandfaughters have 0 into fine young women and your grandson is naking his mark. You will always be the greatest love of my life. Please dont worry about me. I will get through this  because i am a fighter i will embrace life and live the way you wanted me to live. 

I met my beautiful wife Surrinder just about 10 years ago to the day and we have been married for 9 years and 8 months of those 10 years. I remember being really nervous at the thought of meeting her Mum. Mainly because I was very aware of the cultural differences between my background and that of a Sikh family settled in the UK for 50 years. I was really apprehensive. Especially when Surrinder had primed the way before I met my Mother-in-law by showing her a photo of me. The comment I remember was "He looks old!" I thought acceptance would be somewhat difficult. 

I need not have worried. From the moment we met I was made so welcome to the family. I quickly learned that as long as I was looking after and loving Surrinder and Alex, that was the most important thing. The family values were and are always the most important thing and, even though we did not speak the same language, we understood each other very clearly. Never could the raising of an eyebrow or the furrowing of a brow convey such information!

I feel blessed and am so proud to have met such a wonderful woman who was the head of the Panaser family in the time that I knew her. I lost my own Mother to cancer over 20 years ago and I was so pleased to be able to act "as a son" and do decorating, fetching and carrying and anything that was needed, all under the watchful supervision of Surrinder and Mum of course!!

You have my word that I will continue to love and provide for and look after Surrinder and Alex to the best of my ability. I know you are watching and wagging that finger when I get it wrong!  Thank you so much for making me feel I belonged. With so much love and respect. 

Over the years mum had various ailments ,and as a nurse I do know how to work the NHS system ,so I got mum a private appointment with a view to having NHS treatment afterwards if we needed it .We went to the Nuffield in Edgbaston for the appointment ,I helped mum with her coat and bag etc , she said you are good for carrying my things , I said that's okay you are getting old now , she said no I am not , I am young for my age and quite healthy , I said in that case carry your own bag and coat ,I thought you were old ! She said I was very bad for treating an old lady badly !!!! I don't think so !!! We laughed so much ! Mum was only old when she needed to be ! 

I will never forget my mums face when we told her we were going to live in Australia,she was heart broken , but I made big promises to her ,and I never broke them.I carried on looking after her and her life from Australia as if I was in Birmingham.Our long distant phone calls took on a great quality and were very enjoyable and funny ! My tea always got cold ,because mum kept me talking .Mum and I were united on a common goal , to do the very best for Alex,she really understood mine and Gary's need to provide the very best in life for him that was humanly possible ,so with that in mind she really understood why we had to leave .My biggest promise to mum was that when she needs me I will come ,no matter what ,I will never let her suffer.I still remember April 2014 when she told me her bloods were abnormal .She was going for a routine shoulder replacement and had routine bloods .White cell count was raised and HB was low .Suspicious I thought ,but still okay ,as Indians are often anaemic.Further tests showed she had a type of chronic leukaemia .Our whole lives as a family changed from this point onwards,and we won't ever be the same again .Significant people in your life die and leave you ,the memories are never enough to replace that person in their physical form.What life and existence is this without the people you love and the people who define you .Our parents truly defined us , my brothers are strong and courageous ,full of honesty and integrity, my sister is an independent woman and a great mother to her children ,self sufficient and straightforward.Me ,well I am actually broken hearted, but amongst all of that ,I am my mothers daughter and I will never let anything in life beat me.I consider everything a challenge these days ,whereas when mum was alive life wasn't quite so challenging .Still , mum died and dad died ,but they left behind a wonderful legacy and we will never forget them .God bless you mum ,God bless you dad xxxx

Mum loved to knit ,however,whilst she was very good ,her knitting did follow a similar style ,T shape ,so it's fine if your arms are at right angles ! Or if you are Shaun the Sheep.In fact Gary has the very last T jumper mum ever knitted, it is skin tight and makes him look compressed, but we love that jumper ,it's a bit itchy,but Gary won't give it up ! Cheers mum

I remember a last minute panic needing a costume sewing for a panto and sure enough your mom came up trumps bless her with no fuss and expert skill . Also sprouts I love and curry also so this is definitely a recipe I shall be trying and will be thinking of you both . Reading the lovely stories about your mom I now realise why my lovely friend Surrinder is the amazing person she is ,like her mom ,they are both strong and full of  character ,caring and courage bless  you and your mom and all your family so proud to know you xxx

Mum was the one constant in my life. My strength and her constant words of wisdom

 She saw me through my good times and bad. Always right and never wrong until the last minute. I aspire to be half the woman she was. Family meant everything

 Love you always xx

42 weeks pregnant still no Alex ,mum said drink warm milk with ghee in it ,it will bring on labour ,it brought on something but it wasn't labour 

When I was very young and we lived in Cannon Hill Road , I had a little red bus , I needed to pull it behind me , mum gave me a length of wool which I attached to the bus and then pulled it behind me 

My mum got me and my friend a summer job in the dress making factory she worked in , Jag and I cut the excess threads on all the finished clothes we laughed and messed about so much ,and we earned £40 a week ,a fortune at the age of 15 ,so much fun ,great times 

Jaivans birthday party, mum looking very smug ready with her present in her lap for Jaivan ,the bow looked very big,bright and shiny I thought , good job mum,I thought ,she had robbed it from my gift ! Sneaky !

My mum was determined in everything ,but even more so about the Christmas Day vegetables ,not too firm and not boiled to within an inch of their lives ! She was very bossy ,but she did love a good roast potato! In true Indian style ,she bought kilos of potatoes ,enough for samosas,spring rolls ,roasties and any random aloo gobi she decided to make.I love sprout curry ! The Christmas feast will not be the same without her input ! Xxxx