The hardest thing that I had to go through was finding out that you are no longer with us. Your little heart I guess could not take any more and you passed away inside me while you were only 16 weeks. I carried you until I was 19 weeks.

On Halloween 2011 I took a test at nana's house. That is where I was living at the time. I was late for my cycle and didn't really think I was pregnant. I actually thought I was late due to stress. Anyways, I took a test just to see. When I seen two lines I was in total shock. I thought oh no what now. I went straight downstairs and showed nana the test. I said I guess you will kill me now. She herself was in shock too. She then got upset and said I can't be pregnant I already have three kids and struggling. In my mind I thought it happened all for a reason and that reason was to prove I can get back on my feet and take on anything that was given to me. Even the unexpected.

I took a picture of the test and talked to your dad. He himself was very surprised but so excited. This is what he always wanted and waited a long time for. I emailed him the picture and also posted it online. Friends and family were all happy for us. Not one person judged us or downed us. Throughout time your nana grew to except you. She even went as far as buying a few things for you even though she said she never would.

At first I was very sick and on a few different medications. I didn't like being sick all the time but I never blammed you for making me feel that way. You were growing pretty fast inside. Some people even thought that you may have been a twin or something. Even the first ultra sound they said you measured a week more then when I was actually due so they changed my due date. I was so happy that you were growing. I even started eating healthy and cut out lots of junk food and soda. I was eating vegtables and fruit. Boy I loved strawberries and even craved them.

I was so excited to get things ready for when you came home. I even wanted to do a monkey theme. Everything monkey is what I wanted.

Your dad and I found out on Feb. 3rd, 2012. That is the day that we were so excited for because we were going to find out whether you were a boy or girl. Daddy kept saying you were a boy because that is what he wanted. I would always tease him and say you were a girl because I knew how badly he wanted a son. During the ultra sound the nurse said hold on she had to get the doctor. Right at that moment I knew things weren't good. Your dad kept telling me not to think the worse but I knew it was bad if they didnt even finish the ultra sound. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked me a few questions. Your dad asked if there was something wrong. The doctor then said well yes. There was no other way to say it but you didn't have a heartbeat and that it possibly stopped three weeks ago. I said ok. I was shocked. Your dad put his head down. I left the hospital and had to go to my doctors appointment and talk about how to get you out of me. I called nana and let her know the sad news. As much as she didn't want you at first..it hit her. She even said she was sorry that this happened to me. After finding this out I sat at home that night and all I could do was cry. I would ask why? Why did this happen to me. Why did you have to be taken away. You were so young. Why did this have to happen to your dad of all people. He wanted you more then anything.

I was given two choices to get you out of me. Either surgery or give birth to you. At first I chose to deliver you. I was told that if I did that I would be able to hold you and take pictures afterwards. After thinking long and hard about it..I didn't think that I would be able to go through that. Your dad on the other hand did not want that. He did not want to go through any more pain that he was already going through. We had the whole weekend to think about it. Boy was that a long weekend!

I went for blood work and another ultra sound to make sure nothing has changed on Feb 7th, 2012, Ultra sound was still the same. We actually got to see that your little heart was no longer beating. That is when I knew you were truly a angel. I then got something inserted to help dialate my cervix. Surgery was set for Feb. 8th, 2012.

On Feb 29th, 2012 I was finally able to hold you and bring a part of you home.  Not the way that I planned but I still have a part of you with me.

You weren't with us very long but you were loved that is for sure. I used to talk to my stomach and started to get excited myself. Not knowing that I would never get to see you. I will always wonder what you would have looked like (me or daddy). What you would have been like. Just a lot of things I will always wonder and never get to know. All I do know is that you are a little angel now and you will be looking over your mommy and daddy all the time. Always know that you have great parents and a huge family who will miss you.

Mommy and daddy love you little one <3