How to Support a Friend in Mourning 

(How To Be and What Not To Do)

5 Heart-Centered Tips On Flowing With Grief and Loss

I recently met with a friend.

It’s been a more regular yearly cadence for our meet-ups in past years.

And before giving each other our hello hugs, she utters an intense major life transition with just one sentence.

“My mom passed away.”

I was in shock. 

I met her mom before, and I couldn’t help but want to console my friend and finally give her that big, long hug after not seeing her for so long. 

We both felt overcome with a range of emotions, and I had a moment when all I could do was just hold her; my eyes welled up with tears as I listened to her share her experience. 

This personal encounter highlights key takeaways I’ve learned and want to share with you on supporting a loved one in mourning; and these key learnings also stem from my background experience as a hospital psychotherapist and certified grief educator in working with previous clients.

I genuinely hope these tips can serve as an anchor and guidepost for you, as you navigate grief within yourself and with others.

Tip 1 – Don’t Try To Fix It Or Make It Go Away.

In periods of mourning, there can be times when we feel the need to say or do something so that the pain goes away, especially when we see our friend in emotional pain.

It makes sense.

We want to help them.

We want to get rid of their pain.

And we want to help them feel better.

But, when we allow them to have their own natural process, we respect and honor their grieving needs, however this looks like for them.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Stay emotionally present. Unless asked by your friend for your input, there is no expectation to say anything, especially if you feel that you don’t know what to say. You can instead offer a hug, rub their back up and down for emotional comfort when they are in distress, and stay focused with engaged eye contact and sincerity.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY: “I’m here to sit, listen, and be with you. If you need another way of support, let me know.”

Tip 2 – Actively Listen and Observe.

This ties in with the first one, and sometimes, when our friend is in mourning, we get reminded of our own grief and loss.

This can look a few different ways, but it’s essential to know that there is a certain extent to which your own process can help in supporting your friend.

It’s a good reminder to bring the focus back on your friend and what they are experiencing.

Actively notice what they say, how they say it, what their emotions are, what they are doing, and what you intuitively feel they need.

If there’s any way for you to offer support, and it’s within your comfort and means to do so, then consider doing it.

HOW YOU CAN BE AND WHAT TO SAY: If your friend is remembering their loved one, you can offer a meaningful experience you had with their loved one. This can be a way to share the moment together of honoring their loved one and the grieving process.

Tip 3 – Don’t Assume Grief Looks Only One Way.

Grief looks so many different ways.

For example, your friend might not be emotionally expressive, but it doesn’t mean they’re not feeling anything.

On the contrary, your friend might be expressing more of their feelings and is unable to remember logistical things, such as time and meet-ups.

Your friend might be more practical and engages in their hobby of knitting and crafting to help process their grief.

Or your friend might need more emotional support and also needs someone to take care of the practical and logistical expectations that come with planning the funeral.

Remember that one person’s grief is unique to them alone.

MINDSET SHIFT: Not everything is as it seems. Remain open and hold compassion and non-judgment towards your friend’s experience. It might not look like how you go through grief, but it is what they need to go through in their mourning and grieving process.

Tip 4 – It’s Not A Matter of Time.

Sometimes, we are quick to judge someone’s mourning and grieving depending on what the loss is.

There is a subtle relational expectation that someone will return to “normalcy” after a ritual, such as a funeral, or after six months have elapsed, and they should be back on life’s track.

But grief knows no time.

It is ever present.

It’s the relationship with our grief that matters most.

Grief and loss are not linear; it is circuitous and even like a maze.

There are so many different ways that it can come and revisit us.

MINDFUL MOTTO FOR MOURNING: We all experience and relate to grief in our own timing.

Tip 5 – Loving Patience As High-Vibrational Support

Love and patience are the ultimate helpful energies to embody for yourself, and when you are supporting your friend experiencing a loss. It encapsulates everything we spoke about above.

It also highlights the need for us to be more receptive and willing to sit, both literally and figuratively, with our friends in whatever state they are in, and even more so, with grief.

When we can honor and hold reverence for our grief, we hold space for appreciation, gratitude, and meaning.

“LOVING PATIENCE FOR GRIEF” 

Mindfulness Exercise

• For a mindfulness grief exercise, bring two chairs together, where you sit in one chair and the other is empty, facing you.
• Imagine grief is sitting in that empty seat, and grief itself is grieving the loss of something or someone.
• Notice what you want to do, say, or how you feel.
• If it gets uncomfortable, you can stop the exercise. But if you’re emotionally grounded and able, try to sit even for a minute or two.
• Allow the loving, non-judgmental witnessing to unfold, and sit in silence.
• When ready, offer a kind and loving intention to both grief and yourself.

Although these are offered in the context of supporting a friend in mourning, they can also apply to a wide array of losses that we encounter, both literally and symbolically, and illuminate how we speak with ourselves in our grieving process.

Kindly reminding ourselves of these few guiding points, towards ourselves and in connecting with others, can vastly improve how we relate to and hold space for grief.

Take what resonates with you and leave out the rest.

Here’s to expanding our grief literacy and extending a loving presence to ourselves and our loved ones as we navigate the many layers of grief and loss.

Disclaimer: It’s important to remember that there are some moments where loss is immensely felt, and that a loved one or friend might have suicidal ideation. In these instances and in case of emergency, please do reach out to or give your friend the number 988 for the crisis hotline, or if you know they go to a mental health professional, to remind them of that resource, so they receive the support they need.

If you have any comments or questions, please like, share, and comment below. I’d love to hear from you and your experience.

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Life Transition Resources

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My Poetry Book centered on grief and loss in my own personal journey