Two Daughters, Two Mothers: Moving with the Guilt of Loss

Part 3 of The Myth of Moving On & the Reality of Moving With Grief

If you’ve missed Part 1 or Part 2 of this series, you can read them here.

After the shock wears off, the services end, and loved ones return to their own lives, two daughters are left alone with very different grief.

Ally feels relief.

Her mother was harsh—quick-tempered, emotionally distant, and often unkind. Ally remembers the sarcasm, the unexpected slap across her face as a teenager, the absence at her college graduation, and the quiet, ongoing message that her life didn’t matter much.

She has been grieving this relationship for years—not just the mother she had, but the mother she never got.

And now, she feels free.

That freedom fills her with guilt.

Brooke feels something entirely different.

She remembers warmth—walks in the mountains, celebratory dinners after dance recitals, spontaneous days off from school because her mother knew that rest mattered. She recalls museum visits, her mother’s fragrance, and the enjoyment of being together into Brooke’s middle aged years.

Now her mother is gone, and Brooke wonders:

Is it okay to feel alive without her?

Her love remains—but so does her guilt.

Why Guilt Shows Up in Grief

Guilt is often easier for the mind to tolerate than helplessness.

If we feel guilty, we can imagine we have control:

I should have done more.
I shouldn’t feel this way.
If I feel bad enough, maybe I can undo this.
But grief is, at its core is an encounter with powerlessness.

Ally’s guilt is a response to relief.
Brooke’s guilt is wondering about letting herself enjoy life again.

Both are normal.

Two Truths About Love and Loss

Ally grieves the absence of love.

She carries the long, silent pain of wanting a different mother—and the complicated relief of no longer being hurt by the one she had.

Her guilt says: You shouldn’t feel free.

But her truth is: She already grieved for years.

Brooke grieves the presence of love.

Her memories are vivid—sensory, alive. But her guilt whispers that joy is betrayal.

Her truth is something deeper:

Joy is not leaving her mother behind.
It is carrying her forward.

Resilience Looks Different for Each of Them

Ally’s resilience is radical honesty.

She refuses to rewrite her story into something softer or more acceptable. By acknowledging the reality of her experience, she creates something new: warmth, presence, and intentional care—the very things she was denied.

Her healing is not about forgiveness.
It’s about living a life of self love and kindness to others.

Brooke’s resilience is integration.

Her grief lives in scent, color, and memory. Over time, she begins to understand that the life her mother gave her was not meant to end with her death.

To live fully is not a betrayal. It is a continuation.

Moving with Guilt of Loss

Whether your mother was a source of pain or a source of deep love, guilt can emerge.

Moving with guilt means accepting the relationship as it actually was—not as culture says it should have been.

For Ally, it may mean living in a way that creates peace and warmth, rather than staying loyal to pain.

For Brooke, it may mean allowing joy without believing it erases love.

Grief Is Complex

Grief rarely looks the way we expect.

It can hold relief and sorrow. Love and anger. Freedom and longing.

The goal is not to eliminate guilt. The goal is to live truthfully alongside it.

In what ways might guilt be shaping your connection to someone you’ve lost?
Do you see yourself more in Ally or Brooke’s experience — or somewhere in between?
What is one small moment of life you can allow yourself today?

Follow me here so you don’t miss part 4. If you’d like to explore more of my work visit my website here. And if you feel called to share a memory or create a space in honor of someone you’ve lost, you can do so here: Online Memorials.