Chad it is the the big 1 year- did I think we'd make it? Never- has it been the hardest year of my life? You bet- have I learned anything? I sure think so but have more to go. I've learned what it feels like to have your world fall apart, your heart to physically hurt until you just don't care- to have to face yourself and if you truly do believe what you think and say you believe and can pull yourself up and respond to this sorrow and loss and find a way through the pain- it's certainly been and is a long hard personal process that I know and accept others are not comfortable with- this grief thing makes people uncomfortable it is awkward when you cry at any given time appropriate or not or laugh at and find situations emotionally different than others perceive- know what? I DON'T CARE this grief is between me and God and I will search his word, pray, cry, scream, grow, laugh, smile and feel love and not apologize for any of it because my anchor of faith IS strong- stronger than I ever imagined and that anchor is grounded in heaven not earth- Job and I have spend many nights together and Isaiah and Jeremiah or my constant companion, Samuel has become a comfort and affirmation that you and Ayven are happy and surrounded by love- that's what keeps me going - knowing my tests, trials work dreams are not finished yet for whatever reason- but do I think there was one breath between you being in this world and sheltered in the arms of God- I know there was only one breath and there was no more pain or suffering only glorious beyond my mind's capacity to even imagine- I've searched God's word and promises and hear his voice assure me nightly of this and so I can love you always from here and visualize you with Ayven, Pops, Eddie so many and be thankful for what we had and will have in eternity and try to be the person God wants me to be here to fulfill His plan while knowing a part of me is already with you- I pray I am always able to pull up these precious memories and not lose sight of the promises to come while making you proud no matter how long never losing sight of that anchor in heaven and feeling the Love that never dies! Love you and good night- Granmommy Tanya