Colin, I’m sitting at the park looking through pictures and listening to some of the songs that remind me of you. I can remember you sitting in the back seat singing Wagon Wheel. I loved it  Especially when you didn’t realize that I was paying attention. Those small moments are now so important to me. So many songs make all of us think of you.  You loved so many different types of music and always knew all the words.  Listening to you sing them was a joy that I’d give anything to hear again. 

Today is dad’s birthday.  The 2nd one now without you.  I got him some work shirts. I know it’s not what he wished for. If only I could bring you back and make his wishes come true. All of our wishes.  

Dad, Evan and I went to a movie today.  It didn’t feel right w/o you. Who else can cry watching “Deadpool” other than me?! In the movie there are scenes about death and heaven and I sobbed quietly thinking that no one warned me about that part of this so called comedy. I’ve gotten very talented at quietly sobbing when I have to.  

How has 13 months passed and I still cannot grasp the full reality that you are never going to walk through the door or send a goodnight text? It’s so crazy to me how grief works. One minute I’m ok and the next I’m literally falling apart.  Getting good at covering that up, too. Wow I’ve gained some new skills over the past year.  Skills that no mother should have to learn. 

I miss you.  Every day. All day.  I don’t know how to keep doing this for the rest of my days. This is so hard.  Please send me a sign so that I know you are ok

Love,

Mom xoxo

One night last winter break, a few of us were trying to get together for dinner. I had been texting Colin because we, along with a few others, tended to be the catalysts in setting up our friend group hang-outs. He suggested we go to the Genesee Brew Pub. As you know, Genesee always held a special place in Colin’s heart, as it does for our whole friend group. Even though we know it’s a middling beer at best, we accept it, and enjoy it, with pride because it’s our local beer - it’s Rochester. 

So, we started texting our group chat to see who else we could get to join. Danny and Sammy both said they were in, along with John and Eric who were going to meet us there. I had originally offered to drive because I suggested the hang-out in the first place. But, once we agreed on the brew pub, Colin offered to drive without hesitation. He knew I had just turned 21, and he wanted me to be able to have a beer at dinner without having to worry about driving home. And though I didn’t realize it at the time, this simple offer completely embodies what Colin was like as a friend. He was so selfless, always putting others before himself. Most 20 year-olds feel a little resentment towards their friends who already turned 21; I know I did at that age. But, Colin was different. He knew that I’d enjoy having a Genny at the brew house - and that made him happy. Colin’s emotions sometimes seemed to be derived from all of ours. If we were happy, he was happy. If one of us was upset, he was upset – and would do all that he could to try and cheer us up or talk to us. We of course ended up having a great time at dinner, filled with laughs per usual - from Sammy's stubborn steak outburst with the waiter, to the guys debating ordering a beer after the waiter didn't ask for my ID (at first), to setting up our NYE plans amidst some funny tensions. Every time we all hung out, the laughter - especially Colin's - was contagious.

I know this is just a small anecdote, but it truly speaks endlessly about Colin’s character.