Merry Christmas, My Beautiful Daughter!!! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU BEYOND ANYONE'S IMAGINATION!!!

It was nine years today that I lost you. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!!! 

Happy Birthday beautiful Jenna. I celebrated you yesterday. It was the first time that I was able to celebrate you where it felt like you were there instead of feeling only the emptiness in the expansive space I keep for you in my heart. So much loss is so hard to take and therefore, your birthday along with Buddha’s, Jim’s, John’s, Aunt Jan’s and all of the others we love and have lost, will only be celebrated going forward. I love you. I miss you. Happy Birthday most beautiful Jenna.

Happy 44th Birthday, My Beautiful Daughter!!! It's still so hard to believe you are not here to celebrate!!! Look for your birthday flowers in the water,  No words can say how grateful I am still for you being my awesome and amazing daughter for 35 years. Luckily, it still feels like you are here so I will celebrate your birth now and every year from now. There are really no words that express how much I love you!!! The only ones I can think of is, "I LOVE YOU TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!!

Happy Birthday Jenna. You will never be forgotten. My girls have heard many stories of our adventures when we were kids. I love you.

My Baby, Jenna, I just found a song that really describes how I feel and how I used to love you and dad so much when you were so young. I always thought it would work out to one little happy family, when I was 17 years old, but we were too young to go the distance and I always wanted to go to college and have a career. Your dad was happy being his happy self and very talented guitar player. He used to be sooooo good, he had a true gift for music. Anyways, you were the best that ever happened to me since after Kerry was born. We were so close and you used to tell me everything. Kerry is still here, thank God, but we almost lost her a couple years ago to breast cancer. Of course, Grandma isn't getting any younger. She will be 84 yo soon. We all used to have so much fun together with practical jokes, singing to music in the car, and then as you became your own adult and "prankster" mother, I was so very proud of you!!! I can't believe I have survived your loss this long because my heart has never come close to healing but there is still some hope in there that Jake will get to know me again and I can, maybe be his fun grandma again!!! if not, I pray Jake will know there are always more than one perspective to why you and his father had to pass when he was only 10 years old. Here's the song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqUKdLFH6TM

Jenna, if my love for you could have saved you, you would live forever!

My Beautiful Daughter, I just added a few more pictures and a couple of videos. I need to get back to organizing all our photos for Jake. We have so many!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!!

Oh My Beautiful Daughter, another year that you've been gone. It still baffles me. I catch myself all the time when I want to call you and then I remember I can't call you over the phone or computer, so then I just talk to you out loud. I still feel you all around me even after eight years. Where have all the years gone? Your son just turned 18 years old. He's graduating in May and already has a college set up to start in August. He is an amazing man and he looks so much like you, it's crazy. He is so well rounded, he also has a great sense of humor, he is so considerate, and polite. Of course, you know all this. I am sure you know also that Kerry's Buddha and your Uncle Jim passed recently so please look for them if you already haven't seen them. I look forward to seeing you so much but I am still here for some reason. I believe one reason is to remind Jake what an amazing daughter and mother you were on Earth. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYONE COULD LOVE AND MISS ANOTHER!!!! IT'S BEYOND INFINITY!!!!

WOW, this year and day you turned turned 43 years old. (I was wrong last year. I wrote 41 instead of 42. I can't believe you have been gone for all these years. It still seems like yesterday you were born and you passed. You are the same age I was when I became a grandmother. I remember Jake did not want to come out and he was late being born. You finally went into labor around noon on my birthday as we were walking around Brandon mall trying to get you to go into labor. I was so excited that Jake and I would share the same birthday but Jake did not want to come out and it was almost midnight when they rolled you into to have an emergency C-Section. It was one of the best days of my life!!! Now Jake is almost 17. It's hard to believe how much time has past because all the pain of losing you is still with me. I LOVE YOU MORE AND MISS YOU MORE THAN ANY WORDS CAN SAY, MY BABY!!!!

I made it through another Mother's Day without you, My Beautiful Jenna!!! Here is a song that seems perfect for how:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDPpex1wvOc .

Mother's Day is Hell when your only child is gone forever!!!! I really don't know how I get through this time of year and all the other days that were special days for us. I guess I just have to keep reminding myself of how lucky I was to have such an amazing daughter for 35 years and she's still with me even though I can't see or hear her.

This time of the year is the worst for me because it was on this day, seven years ago, you passed on. It's impossible to be grateful for you not being here!!! So many people believe when a person passes on "They are going to a better place.", "They are at peace.", or I have even heard that, "It's for the best.". All of these little things may be true, especially for those who have lived a natural and full life, but it's incredibly hard for me to believe that any of those things apply to you, My Beautiful Daughter. You should still be here to raise Jake and be with everyone who loved you. And... you left me, your mother, to live the rest of my life without you.  I never knew, until you were gone, how it feels when my heart is breaking and then being shredded. I also didn't know it was humanly possible for any one person to have so many tears that come so easily for so long. It's hard to type when my eyes are full of tears and running down my face. I know I am feeling sorry for myself but I can't help it. I MISS SEEING YOU AND HEARING YOUR VOICE SO HORRIBLY BAD!!!! The only thing that really helps me get through each day is believing I will be with you again in Heaven. Until I pass, I hope to see and talk to Jake again to tell him everything he wants to know about you!!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE COULD LOVE ANYONE ELSE!!!!

I can’t believe it’s been 41 years, today, since the first time I saw your beautiful face and held you in my arms. I have never loved anyone else so much in my entire life!!! Every morning I wake up thinking of you, wanting to call you, wanting to see you, or wanting to hear your voice and then I remember I can’t and it breaks my heart all over again every day.  That of course does not stop me from talking to you and telling you I love you and blowing you a kiss to you every night. I remember when you were younger, you wouldn’t go to sleep unless I kissed you good night and told you I love you. I remember when you were about nine years old, I decided I was not going to argue any more about keeping your room clean but I told you if you still wanted your kiss good night, you would have to make a clear path for me. After that there was not only a clear path to your bed, but your room was clean everyday after that. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY BEAUTIFUL 41 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!!!

My Beautiful Daughter, on this day you have been gone for six years. Unfortunately, it is Thanksgiving Day so it makes it extra hard to be thankful since you are not here. There’s a chair missing and it makes me feel half alive. Of course, as I have said, I am so very thankful for having you in my life for 36 years. (That includes the nine months I carried you.) You were the best baby, the best daughter, and the best mother to Jake!!! I am so proud of you!!! You tried so hard to fight the demon that so many people face in their lives but your body couldn’t take it and it failed you. I am still in disbelief for many days and moments even after six years. I find myself wanting to call you to hear your voice and talk to you, to reminisce, or to talk about what’s going on in your life and Jake’s. And then…. I remember I can’t hear your voice and it makes me so sad but I do still talk to you hoping you hear me. Sometimes I really do believe you hear me and sometimes I am not sure but I talk to you anyways. I know I wasn’t a perfect mother, there is no such thing, but I loved you more than anyone that’s ever been in my life and I tried hard to be a good mother. I think I succeeded because the one thing you told me multiple times throughout your life is that you always knew I loved you. That is one of the best things I think any mother would love to hear. Every day for your whole life when we talked we always told each other, “I love you”. Everytime we were together we would kiss and say I love you every day and night. I still have this little ceramic planter you make me one Mother’s Day. You painted this beautiful flower on it and you wrote in the back the following: because I said so… go to your room… I’ll count to three… take your medicine… I’m proud of you… take out the trash… I love you.... Do your homework… NOW! Clean your room… eat your vegetables… I love you… I love you..... On the bottom you wrote, “ 2002 Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!!!!”. Your ceramic pot is just one of the cherished beautiful things you gave me, wrote me, or told me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER AND I AM PROUD OF YOU!!!!  (P.S.) I will post pictures here for others to see your beautiful work.

My Beautiful Daughter, I finally found the picture of you and I after just being rolled out of the delivery room. I was the happiest mother in the world!!!! You were so perfect in so many ways!!! I will post it on the pictures now.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND MISS YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

Happy 41st Birthday Jenna! I miss you so very much. Cousin/friend/family were all the same when we were growing up.

I have so so many amazing memories of us smiling, absolutely belly laughing on so many nights, chatting about childish things (movies, parties, music) and then not so childish things (life, relationships, children), writing back and forth on actual paper with pencils and pens, staying with you whenever I came down, New Years in FLA, driving around aimlessly listening to Counting Crows and singing at the top of our lungs. The list is almost endless in my mind!

We always had SO much fun together. I live in the moment these days and I truly try to enjoy every day of my life. But, if there was only one thing I could change, it would be having more time with you.

I miss you all the time. I love you!

HAPPY 41ST BIRTHDAY, MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!!!! WOW!!! It seems like yesterday I gave birth to you!!!

I remember going into labor around 11:00 pm on Saturday, July 28th, 1979. I stayed up all night recording my contraction times on my word search puzzles which I continued to do until I was being prepped for your delivery. I was afraid to wake up your dad until I was positive I was in labor and the contraction times were consistent at five minutes apart because on Friday July 27th, I woke up your dad before he got up for work thinking I was in labor and we went to our doctor's office. It turned out to be false labor and your dad missed a whole day of work and pay. On top of that we dented another car opening our van's door in the doctor’s parking lot. 

I woke up your dad around 5:00 am on Sunday, July 29th, telling him I was definitely in labor. We called our parents to meet us at the hospital. It was 6:00 am when we checked into the hospital. When our doctor came to check me he said to go out in the waiting room because I wasn't ready. I remember all of us watching an old Jimmy Stewart movie in the hospital lounge. 

Around 9:00 am, two hours before you were born at 11:02 am, my doctor came to get me ready for your birth. Back then they encouraged natural childbirth which meant lamazze classes for the parents and the mother received nothing for pain unless it was absolutely necessary.  I really wasn’t feeling much pain until they were prepping me to give birth to you. 

Back then the doctor’s also rarely gave a mother a sonogram to find out the sex of the baby, so most mothers never knew for sure if they were having a boy or a girl. I always wanted a little girl. In all my dreams when I was pregnant, you were a girl.  Also everyone around me guessed I was having a girl. I was so sure I was having a girl that before I gave birth to you a nurse asked me if I had a boy, did I want him circumcised? I told them I wasn’t having a boy but she said they needed to know just in case.

After you were born and they were wheeling us out of the delivery room your dad took a polarized picture of us. He borrowed the camera from someone else in the hospital. 

All my dreams came true when I had you, my perfect little girl!!! We already had your first and second name picked out, Jennifer Mary (my mother’s and grandmother’s first name, and my middle name). Just in case we were all surprised and you turned out to be a boy, your name would have been Keith Merrick (half of your dad’s first name and half of his second name).

All my dreams came true when I had you!!! I had this beautiful and easy going, yet strong and independent daughter who was also beautiful (inside and out). You were my dream daughter who loved me unconditionally. I never felt I had unconditional love until I had you.

Even though you haven’t been on this Earth since you were 35 years old I would do anything to have you back here!!!!  I still feel like the luckiest woman in the world because I had you!!! Even though the pain of knowing that for the rest of my life I will never see or hear you again, I would never give back those 35 years with you. Most mother’s never have a child as wonderful as you!!!

So again, Happy 41st Birthday, My Beautiful Daughter, Jenna aka Jenna Butt!!!

For my grandson, Jake. I truly believe this song is from your mom and I. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mqfwbf3X8SA

Jenna, my life has changed so much since you've been gone. This song reminds me of what I used to be. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53GIADHxVzMhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53GIADHxVzM

It's Easter My Beautiful Daughter!!! You know one thing that has helped me keep going after losing you was knowing that God gave up his only son for the forgiveness of the sins of others. I still don't know how I sinned badly enough to lose you but I have had to accept it and there must be something that I will probably never know. Since I have been posting some of our songs, here's one that Trisha Yearwood sang in The Passion in New Orleans that comes very close to how I have felt ever since you have been gone.... Broken https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4y-Awc1NQU

A song we both loved, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvnYmWpD_T8

Okay, can't hep it. Jenna you loved Johnny Cash because he looked like your Grandpa Fitzpatrick. Here's a good one.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR5XGTpophI

Another favorite of yours. Where Have All The Cowboys Gone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUmKUWzbDxg&list=RDbUmKUWzbDxg&start_radio=1

Jenna remember our song when we were looking for the camping grounds in Hillsborough County to camp with other women and their children on Mother's Day weekend in 1982.  You made a video of it when you were in Miami. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLm3HMG8IhM.

This is the last song we sang together while driving in your Honda Element. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY . Maybe someday I will learn the dance. LOL!!! I miss you so horribly bad, especially on holidays.

My Beautiful Jenna, I just heard this song today that is exactly how I felt the moment you were born. It was almost 41 years ago but I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was 17, a high school drop out, and not married. My life good have gone bad very fast but instead you were the most important person in my life that really loved me and needed me, unconditionally. Because of you I went to get my GED and then on to college until I got my Bachelor's. We were so poor while I went to school and worked part-time or full-time but we were so happy because we loved each other so much and we were very close. We basically grew up together. And even though my heart is shredded for losing you, I am still so absolutely grateful to be your mother!!! I was so proud of you!!!  Thank God For You!!!! The song is by Sara Bareilles called "Everything Changes". Here's the lyrics....

"Everything Changes
Sara Bareilles

Today's a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn't matter, now you're here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I'm yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I'd hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart's at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I'll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it's true
What did I do to deserve you
I didn't know, but now I see
Sometimes what is, is meant to be
You saved me
My blurry lines, my messy life
Come into focus in a tied, maybe
I can heal and I can breathe
'Cause I can feel myself believe
That everything changes
My heart's at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I'll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it's true
What did I do to deserve you
Thank God for you"

(Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Sara Bareilles
Everything Changes lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC)

My Beautiful Daughter!!!! You've been gone for five years as of yesterday. I still can't believe it!!! I still feel the huge dagger in my heart everyday. I miss you more than anyone could miss anyone or anything. Thank God I still feel you around me, along with your laugh, smiles, and all the fun we had together!!! BUT I would give anything or do anything to get you back where you belong, with your family and especially your son!!!!  I hope he knows he can talk to you anytime and your are there to listen and guide him!!!!  I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF AND MORE THAN INFINITELY!!!!!! 

Happy Birthday 40th My Beautiful Daughter!!! We will celebrate when we are together again!!! Until then I have to live without you which seems so impossible most days!!! God, why did you take my Beautiful Child????? I don't know what I did to get the punishment of losing my most loved person and her son, Jake, that has to grow up without his loving Mom???? I pray that I understand some day!!!

Four years ago you became an Angel to watch over us all. Yesterday while walking my dog, there was a red cardinal hoping around the ground and she was still there on the way back. I miss you and will never forget you.

My Beautiful Daughter, I can not believe you have been gone from this earth for 4 years!!! I try to get through the days by believing you are still here and remember all the good times and conversations we have had. I have to remind myself constantly that I am lucky that I did have you here for 35 years. I try not to think about you being gone forever and it really helps me to believe that we will be together again when it is my time to leave this earth. My heart is still shredded and aches so bad and the pain is still unbearable at times like today!!! I have a big empty hole in my heart!!! I am working so hard on to make you proud of me!!! Jake is turning into an awesome young man. His voice is changing now but he had your voice until the last year or so. Jake looks more like you too as he is growing!!! He is doing great with your Dad and Nancy and thank God they have provided him with lots of love and stability. Of course, no one can ever replace you!!! I hope Jake still feels you around him like I do. I LOVE YOU INFINITELY MY JENNA AND I MISS YOU SO BAD!!!!!!

My Baby, I miss you so much!!! It is hard to go onto your Facebook but it is nice to see how so many friends and family still think of you and miss you. I feel you around me and it helps but God do I miss your face, your laugh, your sense of humor, your compassion, your cooking, your everything!!! It's still unbearable when I think about you not being here with us and especially with Jake. It really helps me to believe I will be with you on the other side when God deems it is my time. I pray you will always be watching over Jake. Until then I hope you have found your soul mate, Greg, your Grandmother and Grandfather Fitzpatrick, your Uncle John, and recently your Great Aunt Jan, and even Kitty and Brandy. I love you more than life itself and that will never ever change!!! I LOVE YOU INFINITELY!!!! — feeling loved.

My Beautiful Daughter, it's been three years since we have talked or seen each other. I still am in disbelief and my heart is shredded still. The only thing that really keeps me going is believing that you wouldn't want me to give up completely and to stay here for Jake, Kerry, Grandma, and others. I have so many stories to tell Jake when he is ready. Because you were such an awesome daughter, I have nothing but great memories to share with Jake. Being with you daily for your last three weeks was bitter sweet. Both of us had hope that you would survive until the the last hour when it was evident that you would not.  I have been so blessed to have you for 35 years but selfishly I still want you here and I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat. Grandma and I put flowers in the water for you on Sunday. You always loved flowers. I LOVE YOU INFINITELY!!!!

Most beautiful, Jenna. It's been three years since the worst day of my life. Yet the sadness that remains in my heart makes it feel like yesterday. I miss you everyday. I'll love you forever.

I still miss you all the time.

I still live by where we grew up and it sadness me at times but also brings great laughter too. My two girls know about you and I share with them our memories. They laugh and ask to do the same things. I will forever miss you but never forget you!

Hello, My Beautiful Daughter!!! On this day it will be exactly one year since you went away. I miss you terribly!!! My heart aches constantly since you left this earth. Ironically, it is also Thanksgiving day. It's so hard to be grateful today, but I am so very grateful for having and loving you, my precious daughter, every minute of my life before you were even born. I have been a very blessed woman for you and for Jake who has so much of you in him!!! I Love You Infinitely!!!! Mom

I still cannot believe my precious daughter is gone forever from this Earth!!! She was the light of my life!!!  Jenna was the most beautiful daughter inside and out. She was the best daughter anyone could ask for. I was always so proud of her and even more proud of her when she became the best mother in the world to her son, Jake. The pain of losing my incredible child is too much to bear sometimes and no parent should have to know this pain. I was there when she took her first breath and I was there when she took her last breath. Her last words were, "Mom, I love you." and then she blew me a kiss. I told her I loved her too and I promised to make sure Jake was taken care of. I knew Jenna better than anyone and I want Jake to know that when he is ready, he will come to me to know his mother even more. She loved Jake more than anyone could love a son. They had that same close relationship Jenna and I had. I was blessed to have Jenna for over 35 years along with so many great memories. Jake only had her for 10 years. It is so incredibly sad that Jake is going to miss growing up into adulthood without his mother. I just hope he remembers her and believes that she is always with him. And... I hope that others will add their thoughts, memories, and pictures of Jenna so that Jake will see how many people my daughter has touched in their hearts. I am adding many pictures now and will continue to add pictures which are really just a glimpse of the beautiful and caring person she was and still is.

While I did not know Jenna as well as others, I sure know she lived her son and her soul mate Greg. She was a beautiful woman who will be missed immensely !! May she rest in peace now and watch over her angel jake

I met Jenna when we were in first grade, a year later she moved to Switzerland, we met up again two yes later in a different city and different school. From there, the stories are endless. We spent countless nights at each others house, I was at her Grandma's house a lot too and tagging along with her Aunt Kerry. When we got into middle school that was even better. Lol. She lived with me and my family for a short time in 8th grade since her loving mom was relocated, she heard Jenna's plead and allowed her to stay until school was over. Since hearing of Jenna's passing, memories flood to mInd, followed with happiness and sorrow. She was a beautiful soul, always kind, warm hearted and simply amazing. Her son, mom, Aunt, Grandma and Uncle's are in my thoughts at a constant. Miss you "Bolinder butt"

Jenna was a very special step-daughter for 30 years. She could make me laugh and not crack a smile. She gave us a grandson that has a sweetness about him that is a true tribute to the gentleness his mom reflected to others. She was a hard worker, true friend and loved her family. She was very sentimental about certain things. I enjoyed cooking for her. She always left our house with a bowl of something for later. She was a good cook. We laughed because she was always late. She was a natural beauty. I will always make sure that Jenna will not be forgotten by Jake. Her presence will always be in our life and home. I love you Kiddo! Rest Peacefully until we meet again! Nancy