March 17, 2023 - 9 Years of devastating pain

Words don't come close to describe the psychological torture I've been sentenced to live.  Nothing on this earth will satisfy my maternal desire to hold my daughter in my arms and knowing it will never be possible, kills me inside.  The intense desire to see and speak to Jennifer is all consuming, not only mentally but emotionally as well.  The yearning and pining you feel to have your child back in your life is the most excruciating pains of all pains ever experienced.   I've asked myself numerous times, how is it humanly possible to hurt this badly?  It's a level of suffering that I never knew even existed.   I'm left to adapt to a world that makes no sense without Jennifer in it.  I was sentenced to live a life that I did not chose.  A life that is empty -- a  life with no color, no joy, no purpose.  It's a world so lonely and desolate; it's a world where some parents entered hesitantly, while others were thrown in without warning, like myself. It's a place that reeks of agony & despair & once here, there is no going back.  I'm left to wander the ruins of my shattered existence and praying that maybe I'll find a tiny ray of God's grace to soothe the brokenness of my soul.  This is what it feels like to live as a bereaved parent and even then it doesn't come close to describing what our lives have turned into!