Hi, Mom... I'm SO EXCITED!!! Things are FINALLY in the works where Jen will no longer be a problem in my life. I noticed an awful odor coming from her room yesterday. Well, this morning when I opened my bedroom door, it SLAPPED me across the face, it was so pungent. It smelled like rotten meat or death, it was so bad. I texted Sarah. I wasn't living with THAT. She hadn't even come out of the room to use the bathroom; and the PROOF of that was IN the room after she was taken to the hospital. She was using MY white bowl as a 'toilet' with a towel in it to absorb the urine. Yeah, THAT got thrown out. Sarah kept gagging; I felt so bad for her... Saw some other stuff in her room that was obviously stolen from ME, and I pointed them out to Sarah. It's ALL settled, THANK GOD. Sarah has a heart... We're not throwing her out onto the streets. Even when she gets back from the hospital, she'll be given a SPECIFIC amount of time to find another job and place to live. Sarah took my suggestion and we've already hired someone else for the position, which will give me FULL coverage for housekeeping AND maintenance. I'M THRILLED!!! NO MORE having to HIDE my laundry detergent and fabric softener; or keeping my toilet paper in my room... Locking up my supplies... The way I've HAD to live around here BECAUSE of her because they THOUGHT she cleaned a good toilet has been MISERABLE. This new arrangement will be a LOT more tolerable and livable. I can't WAIT until SHE'S COMPLETELY gone from here and I NEVER have to deal with her again. She's been more than a thorn in my side... Anyway, things ARE in motion.

I've been hearing this song, even when Ken and I were together, that I used to think to myself when I heard JUST certain parts, "Yeah... Man, do I wish THAT." You know the stages of break up, even when you KNOW that it's over and you don't want THAT person back; you go through 'emotions'. I don't really miss KEN; but I DO miss ALL that I HAD WITH him when things were good. So, I guess I DO miss him, too in ways I guess; because the memories 'surround' him. Anyway, this song is called "Better Man" by Little Big Town. I REALLY paid attention to the lyrics today to the point I had to pull it up on YouTube WITH the lyrics. I sat there and bawled... The lyrics couldn't have been MORE perfect.

Better Man
I know I'm probably better off on my own,
Than lovin' a man who didn't know what he had when he had it.
And I see the permanent damage you did to me;
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic.
I wish it wasn't 4 am, standing in the mirror, saying to myself,
You know you had to do it.
I know the bravest thing I ever did was run.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again.
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
And I know why we had to say goodbye,
Like the back of my hand.
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
A better man,
A Better man.

I know I'm probably better off all alone,
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute.
And it's always on your terms.
I'm hanging on every careless word;
Hoping it might turn sweet again,
Like it was in the beginning.
But your jealousy, I can hear it now;
You're talking down to me like I'll always be around.
You push my love away like it's some kind of loaded gun;
Boy, you never thought I'd run.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again.
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
And I know why we had to say goodbye,
Like the back of my hand.
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
A better man,
Better man.

I hold onto this pride, because these days it's all I have.
And I gave you my best and we both know, you can't say that.
You can't say that.
I wish you were a better man.
I wonder what we would've become,
If you were a better man.
We might still be in love,
If you were a better man.
You would've been the one,
If you were a better man.
Yeah, yeah

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again.
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man.
And I know why we had to say goodbye,
Like the back of my hand.
And I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man.
We might still be in love, if you were a better man.
Better man…

The words are SO fitting of how I feel. We'd still be happy and in love if HE were just a 'Better Man'; NOT 'Peter Pan'. He always admitted when he wasn't being a jerk that I WAS a good girlfriend. One of the things he always loved about me was that I was 'wifey'. I CAN'T be all those awful, horrible things he says when he's angry at me... Anyway. SOOOOO many songs to the 'Ken and Wylene Medley'... Hahahaha  I should still put that together; what the heck. They're all good songs. I know this is a weird thought, and NOT even any of my business... But I just hope that Candy wasn't foolish enough to give it another shot with him. She seems 'gullible' enough. Lord knows, I was his fool, too... I REALLY fell in love with him. As I said throughout our entire relationship, "God help me". Hahaha But, I'M smart. Despite what he pulled or was doing... I knew; even though he denied it and thought he was getting away with it, and I guess BASICALLY, he did; because I repeatedly 'allowed' him to use and abuse me... Out of 'love'. God, we had such a SICK and TWISTED, so called 'relationship'... But we DID love each other; there's NO doubt about THAT. Anyway, Candy ISN'T 'smart' in the same way; she's not 'intuitive' like I am... A lot of people aren't. Pretty much one of the reasons MY life is SO difficult, and I need to LEARN to just SHUT the HELL up. Hahahaha I know what I KNOW, and perhaps OTHERS just don't need to be 'privey' to the information anymore. When the 'shit hits the fan', so to speak; I can sit back, PREPARED, while everyone ELSE scrambles. Hahahaha I'll include those that 'have the faith' in me, such as my boys. As for others... Too bad, SO sad. My actions over the years should have been MORE than enough proof; to include things I've said PRIOR to an occurrence that HAPPENED on MORE than several occasions... It's called 'Proof in the pudding'. ;-) I've even written stuff and been proven to be right AFTER the fact. It is what it is... People have a hard time believing in what they can't see or touch. I get that. But how MUCH do you have to prove yourself over how MUCH time? Anyway...

OK, Mom... I guess that's it for tonight. Things are moving along, thank God. So now, we need to work on a little something for me, personally. I'm bored... Hahaha I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom… I actually wrote you yesterday, but I'm writing you on my phone and things happened… I lost it all, of course. Haha I had written quite a bit, too. Something as simple as it rang, which it did several times, no problem… But then all of a sudden, the page decided to refresh itself; just like on the computer. So, I'm doing what I do on the computer sometimes… I do two different things, actually. But anyway…

I was telling you about Jen; hopefully she's on her last leg here. She literally hasn't worked in two weeks, and has been sick since before New Year's. It gets better though… Haha Sarah and Tyson were here the other day and there was obviously no more hiding that she hadn't been doing her job. I said to Sarah that I was thinking about going and getting her things to help her feel better; she was obviously dehydrated and was NOT gonna go to the hospital or see a doctor. Sarah looked RIGHT AT me and said, “Oh really? Even though YOU'RE the one that's responsible for her BEING SICK because of your HAIRSPRAY?” I looked at her and said, “WHAT??? WTH??? Well, she can go screw herself then.” Sarah laughed… Haha Yeah. It's MINE and my ALL NATURAL HAIR PRODUCTS fault, that I use 2-3 times per week; that's why she's sick for a month. Haha I just nearly died when she said that. So, then it was time for FULL DISCLOSURE. I told Sarah JUST how long she had been sick, and that there were OTHER days besides those weeks. We're at week 2 NOW. Sarah's feeling on it was basically that she's just taking up space in that room if she's not working. She understands she's sick, but she's ALSO NOT willing to HELP herself and DO something about it. Hell… Sarah doesn't even KNOW if I'm ill unless I call her from the hospital because I was ADMITTED. Haha She says things to me like, “You know… You can let me know, and I'll come cover for you.” She told me it's “impressive, but unnecessary” for me to push myself when I'm ill. I've at least been fortunate to have had Blayze and Ken here these past years to help me. They'd answer the door and screen; handle the things that didn't absolutely need ME. That was always a big help to me and SO appreciated. Also with cleaning of the rooms and such… I've had help, thank God. Lord KNOWS I need it because I already have SO MUCH responsibility on my plate. One person can only handle SO MUCH, and I AM getting older. Haha I'm not the same ‘Miracle Woman’ I used to be. I need naps and pass out early. Haha Anyway, I made a suggestion to Sarah that she liked; so she's gonna discuss it with Tyson. Hopefully, things will change around here REAL soon. I'll have coverage I need AND won't have to live ‘accommodating’ for being stolen from all the time. Any divine intervention would be greatly appreciated. Haha

Luke came by to visit… Putting on a little pressure. Made me feel a little uncomfortable. It wasn't even anything horrible, normal guy stuff. Haha But just enough to make ME feel uncomfortable because HE'S not someone I want to pursue anything with; just friends. I'm definitely feeling ready for SOMETHING… It's getting lonely. Haha But I'm still picky and it won't BE JUST ANYONE. If that were the case, I'd have been with someone as soon as I threw Ken out; or soon thereafter. I'm not like that though… Someone will pop up that piques my interest; eventually. Haha

Well, I guess that's it for today, Mom. My busiest day of the week, though it's been a busy week ALL week. But anyway… I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Morning, Mom. Yeah, I know it's early. I don't exactly know what's up with me lately. I know my mind is racing with the 50 million thoughts I have going on... I know, or should say found OUT last night that I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, literally AT 3:00 AM; all of a sudden, my eyes just OPENED. I was like, WTH??? I Turned and looked at the clock, and it was 3:00 on the DOT. Last night, LONG story short, TRUST me haha... Josh contacted me from TORI'S phone, saying he needed to call me; then did. OH, Mom... DAMN Tori; to HELL. HOW we, meaning myself and my boys, AS just regular human beings... Which apparently, we're NOT... Are capable of STILL finding love for someone, desire to help them; when THEY have done NOTHING but HURT US, repeatedly STAB us, over and over... Take from us, but not give in return; it's ALL about THEM... We CAN'T trust them because THEY lie, cheat and steal; JUST to say the LEAST... The list goes on; but WE continue to persevere through it all, believing that if we're JUST us... Maybe, JUST maybe they'll want something BETTER for themselves in life; and CHANGE for the BETTER. HOW foolish are WE??? Anyway... Josh literally said to me that he almost called me at 3:00 in the morning because he was going through HELL; and WHY??? Because of Tori... AGAIN. Another month and a half and she's GONE. I told him that THIS IS IT. He NEEDS to STAY AWAY from her after she leaves this time. He SAYS that's the plan... I can only hope. But THAT would explain why I woke up the WAY I did LAST night at 3:00 AM. I even told him he should've, and if it happens again, DO. I've ALWAYS told my boys NEVER hesitate if they need me. What bothers me is I can't GET to him if need be. I'm gonna work on that. I have an idea...

Last night, we had Ollie's pizza for supper. I've been craving pizza for days, but haven't felt up to making it. Then last night, Sully said, "Meme'. I want pizza." So, that was it. Blayze got home and I said, "How's Ollie's for supper?" He gave his usual pleased facial expression... Haha His original plan was to just go back to his room. Things JUST got a lot better. Haha It was a NICE feeling, being ABLE to do it, to. Usually this time of the month, that would be unheard of. I was able to do it without a worry.

One thing I was thinking about lately though is, I don't have 'a comfort zone' anymore. I was actually talking to Blayze about it... Like JD USED to be my 'comfort zone', but not anymore because he's too interested in getting in my pants. Haha When I needed a place to get away to, or someone just to have hold me or cuddle with... That was JD years ago; my 'comfort zone'. But that is NO longer... I need a new 'comfort zone'. Haha Seriously, I DO, because it does get lonely living the way I do. It's nice to have someone I can TRUST that I can turn to when I need, that doesn't expect anything from me.... They just show me mild affection and give me comfort. I'm good with that. JD used to be great like that. Now... NOW, he's too interested in 'the prize'. I happen to BE 'the prize'. Haha Yeah... No. I don't like being LOOKED AT like that. I don't DRESS to be looked at that way; like a whore. So, I don't expect to be looked at or treated as such. I don't like or want to FEEL that way either. I don't ACT like one. I just want SOMETHING in my life; something trustworthy and comfortable. I know you know what I mean, Mom...

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Well, today marks your 6th year anniversary. People have been so kind to me today; not that they aren't other days too... Haha One woman brought me dinner ALL made for tonight, because she doesn't want me worrying about it. Haha How SWEET is that??? Because I worry about TOO many people and TOO much, ALL the time she said. Haha She's so nice... Dessert and everything! One of my FAVES... CHEESECAKE!!! YUMMY!!! Just unbelievable... It's been an emotional day, from the get go. Songs play, I see or hear things... I've been teary on and off for a few days; I knew it was coming. Hahaha Always does this time of year. I'm just a BIG ole MUSH MUSH... Hahahaha But anyway...

My brain is in a freeze right now... I know there are things I could tell you; things have happened and so forth. But it's been a long day... I just didn't want to miss out on spending at least some time with you.

So I'm gonna close for now... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Wow, what a week. Haha I actually called Sarah yesterday morning, REALLY on a verge... SO MUCH had just gone awry over the last 2 weeks in my functionality around here, that I was LOSING it. I got her voice mail, probably a good thing, Haha I even told her IN the voice mail that I probably needed a vacation. Hahahaha When she got here, she told me when she listened to it... "Yeah, I think Wylene's losing it a little; I better get over there." Haha I WAS!!! I've had internet issues on and off for a LONG time, and THOSE alone are enough to DRIVE ME CRAZY. Add the printing issues I've been having; EVERY time I need to do something... I CAN'T. I have to 'rigga-ma-roll' it to get it to function. ANNOYING!!! Especially when EVERYTHING SAYS you SHOULD be able to print because you're 'connected' and the printer is SET as your 'default' printer... Etc, etc, ETC. YOU'VE done everything and it's RIGHT; but then you have to shut down JUST to get a print. SHOULDN'T be the case and I'm TIRED of it all. Internet goes in and out ALL the time... I have it... I DON'T. I should JUST HAVE it. Then just MORE and more continued to pile on until I LOST it. Hahaha I'm still not completely functional; but I've got internet and can print. The rest, I've got to wait on until...??? I hear, I guess... Hopefully not long. My Friday the 13th got stretched out a bit, don't you think? Hahaha But anyway...

Sully was SO SICK night before last; he was puking and everything, ALL night long. So, that wasn't a fun night. He's a trooper though; I'll give him that. Kept him home last night, too instead of going with Josh. Things got kind of late with Blayze, and Sully ended up falling asleep; so I'll let him go today and for the night tonight. I'm supposed to be going out tonight... Don't know if I want to go; we'll see. The 'Hounds' are out... Hahaha I've been getting contacted a lot, even by some I DON'T know. I'm just so skeptical, I guess... I was talking with Gina yesterday, and I just really don't WANT anymore, so called 'relationships'; I don't trust them. I'll date or whatever... TALK to men when they approach me; they wanna buy me a drink or whatever. But I'm going HOME ALONE; sorry. Always HAVE, and always WILL. This guy even contacted me on Facebook... He's been sending me little comments, what are called 'stickers', etc. Now, he chatted with me a bit and wants to bring me coffee. Haha I'm really not interested... He said he doesn't live far from me, works at BJ's driving a fork lift... Very nice. The fact that he lives so close is TOO close for comfort. He said he could WALK here in 9 minutes. Hahaha I'll pass... I don't mind making new friends; but frankly... I also don't think I want to meet another guy off of Facebook. It didn't turn out so well the LAST time, did it? ;-) If I meet someone and I'm INTERESTED in getting to know them further; fine. But again, a 'relationship' is NOT what I'm looking for. I don't want to LIVE with anyone anymore or again...

Gina and I talked a lot yesterday about this and I've THOUGHT a lot about this; even before Ken and I broke up. I've talked about it and written about it. What if BECAUSE of who and what I AM... A 'relationship' just ISN'T possible??? I may just have to 'settle' like YOU did, Mom; for that 'special someone' you can spend time with. You LOVE them... They ARE 'your one and only'; you just don't marry or even live together... Like you and Calvin did. It WORKED, didn't it? It's STILL 'a relationship'; just a different agreement between you. You TRUST each other, LOVE each other, spend your time together, do things together... You're a COUPLE; just not in the usual or typical sense. I could never have done any of this with Ken for MULTIPLE reasons; trust being the BIG one... There were MULTIPLE reasons there WASN'T any; HE wasn't trust WORTHY. I'd need a man that I could have the KIND of relationship I HAD with Ken, in the loving sense; but also have what I COULDN'T have with Ken... In every OTHER aspect; and live separately. If I could find like what Gina has... I'd be GOLDEN. Because I do better on my own; even financially. For instance... It's January 21, and I STILL have a decent amount of money IN the bank, CASH ON me (good amount), food STOCKED in my house and refrigerator... Things I usually run out of and have to constantly stock, I haven't had to ONCE. Ken is a 'Money Pit', yet doesn't BRING any money INTO the household. He's just good at SPENDING it. Or stealing it... Yeah, whatever. WRITTEN OFF!!! Just like he is. You can deny all you want, but when things happen ONLY when a certain person IS or WAS around... They got mad at YOU for, say, throwing them out... Money or possessions disappear at THAT time... Yeah, it was THEM. Denial or NOT; it was THEM... And YOU KNOW it. It's OK though... I leave everything up to KARMA and God. There are a LOT of people I wouldn't want to be the day THEY have to face God. People that have actually experienced death and come back to talk about it; tell about the experiences... You actually HAVE to experience what you CAUSE others throughout your LIFETIME; whether it be PAIN or happiness... YOU will experience it. GOOD LUCK!!! Hahaha I've experienced a LOT at the hand of others that I would NOT want to again on that day. Hahaha I've known about that 'Judgement Day' since childhood and read books about it since. Whatever... I just WANTED to live MY life 'right'; I never WANTED to cause others 'pain' or misery. But the Lord KNOWS I've suffered more than my share. Anyway...

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I figured I'd take a few minutes while Sully's in school to spend time with you. I'm definitely doing a bit better; the chest pains have ceased, so my levels must be back to normal. When I was discharged, they still had SOME regulating to do and I was ordered to bed rest. We know how THAT goes... But I gotta say... People around here MUST be nervous about my health or something; because THIS time when I got back... They pretty much left me alone. Haha They don't want to lose me... :-D

Now... If the functionality around here can improve so I'm not driven INSANE like I have been, we'll be on the road to Golden. My internet just SUCKS. It's DOWN more than it works. It's been down since last week... I can't even PRINT anything. She needs to DO something about it and TODAY, I made it pretty clear. Some EVICTIONS didn't make it out. I DID them... But if I can't PRINT, things can't be DELIVERED. Tyson was in earlier and I told him. Sarah texted me to ask me about them. She said I should've let HER know so SHE could've printed them FOR me. Hmmmm... Yeah. In the past, I have. I NEED to be able to FUNCTION over here and since I BUST MY ASS... Fix MY equipment so I CAN function PROPERLY, and NOT be driven INSANE. Maybe NOW my stuff will be fixed, as it SHOULD'VE been LONG ago. I didn't even do this purposely... Silver lining in the cloud perhaps. Anyway...

Irene came to visit me Sunday night. We had such a nice visit... It was SO nice to see her. Aleta was here a few nights prior... Blayze and I can't WAIT to see the house. Linda, of course is a nightmare. I knew she would be. She moves out; I'LL take that apartment and pay Irene rent... NO PROBLEM. Just me and Sully... I could even get myself a refrigerator to put up there, because Lord knows I can set up my own little cooking section so I don't have to run up and down stairs for every little thing. I've said before that Irene and I will go through life together... I truly don't believe that has changed. We're TWO STRONG Women, and men have what's known as a 'Hero Instinct'. They actually have the NEED to BE needed. Irene and I are both 'Power Women' that don't 'need' men; we're so obviously independent... A 'Damsel in distress' is a HARD part for US to play. However... There ARE times we 'need', but are basically let down, turned down, or even desperately rejected by the ones that mean the MOST to us. THEN what are we to THINK or DO??? Me... I just move on and deal with it on my own like I always have.

Your 6th year anniversary is right around the corner... I have been getting SO 'Spiritually' messed with lately... The things that have been happening are just... Haha NOT funny, but... Funny. My keys... THAT was the clincher for me. JUST INSANE... Anyway... Haha YOU know what I'm talking about. I don't know 'who' is responsible but... It was interesting.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Well, WHAT a night it's been. Lots of people have been very supportive; that was nice. I finally got results of the chest xray, and they said things looked fine. My potassium level was EXTREMELY low AGAIN; which means that the dose I take EVERY DAY needs to be increased. I've had more blood work tonight; I'll have more at 6:00 am in the morning... It's 1:00 am right now. I just spent the last hour or more messaging with Candy; she contacted me to see how I was doing. We were talking earlier when Blayze came to bring me in and she was concerned. She really is a nice person; at least as far as I can tell. She's been very supportive and kept me company, so to speak, during a rather 'dead' and boring time tonight. I don't have anything to help me sleep... I'm a little tired now, so hopefully I'll be able to go to sleep. So, until tomorrow, Mom... I'll update you on what's going on. Right NOW, what's going on is my RLS is acting up and driving me CRAZY. Anyway...

Until tomorrow, Mom... I'm hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... So, I've spoken with the team; I'm going home in a little while and all my heart tests came out GOOD... Thank GOD. So, it's apparently my other levels and stress. I leave THAT part out when talking with others because I don't need to hear it. WHAT and HOW can I change ANYTHING that goes on in my life??? God knows I TRY... I guess if it kills me, it kills me. What am I gonna do??? I gotta DO what I've GOTTA do... And THAT'S been proven TIME and again over the years; regardless of WHO'S in my life. So, I guess SO BE IT.

Blayze will be here around 12:15 to wait for my discharge. I'll be glad, believe it or not, to get home. I didn't get JACK for rest last night. Haha Not even one straight hour...

I have SO MUCH I need to get figured out... I have SO MUCH thinking to do. I've gotta find a way to accomplish some things I need and want. Please help me do that, Mom... I so wish you were here to talk things through with. I miss you SO much... I've gotta find a way to better my quality of life since MY life savings... What I refer to as 'my future' went to my kids; especially Josh.

OK, Mom. It's just about noon and they'll be bringing my lunch and meds. So I'll end here for now... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Wow, Mom... I had Blayze bring me to River's Edge Urgent Care because I've been having chest/lung pain all week; and EVERYBODY around me is sick with the flu, pneumonia... I was popping Echinacea all week, but it didn't help at all; that's when I KNEW I was screwed. It always helps me...  I woke up this morning, it was so much worse. So, I decided to come get checked.

Well, now I'm waiting to be transferred to Elliot Hospital because they don't think I'm 'sick'. They want to check my heart... Wanna talk a RUDE SLAP across my face??? Woke ME right up. She continued talking about "with my family history of heart trouble and disease... " WTH???!!! I came to get checked, and LEAVE with some ANTI-BIOTICS!!! I even SAID that to her... What a RUDE awakening this was for me.

I'm here at the Elliot; I just had my chest x- ray... Now it's a waiting game. I hate hospitals; I have such PTSD because of everything I went through with you. I especially hate going through everything alone... I'm so glad I was always there for you, Mom. I don't have a me... Blayze hates hospitals, too but you'd think... I don't know. I just hope I'm not here long. My original thought for coming was to get anti-biotics... GOD!!! Please wake me up... Divine intervention, Mom... Divine intervention, please.

Hi, Mom... Still here; still waiting. Only thing I know so far is that my potassium is low AGAIN. I've been trying to keep myself occupied... Playing on my phone; but a person can only DO so much Facebook. I'm pretty sure low potassium can cause my symptoms; but if that's the case, why wasn't I having chest pain when it was SO low before??? I don't know, Mom... It seems like my 50th birthday is RIGHT around the corner, so WHAT; time for MORE of my original parts to wear out??? Warranty UP...??? It's just RIDICULOUS. It's like I reach milestones for ages, and significant THINGS occur. I turn 40; my SIGHT starts going. Now 50, I'm gonna have to start worrying SERIOUSLY about my heart??? I've been a heart attack/stroke risk for years because of blood pressure issues. I've gotten that pretty well under control, but have to constantly maintain. This... THIS will MASSIVELY slow me down, MORE than I already HAVE to.

Mom... WHAT am I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE??? I need answers!!! I'm CONSTANTLY being THROWN between a rock and a hard place, to say the very least. They just came and gave me a MASSIVE dose of potassium. Blayze called, too, to see how things were going. He's worried... I don't know if I'm going home... Staying... I don't know ANYTHING. OK... I'm staying the night... Damn it. They want to keep me for observation in the cardiac unit JUST in case. Gotta call Blayze...

Well... At least there's ONE answer. Love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom… Wow, it’s already Friday… As usual, the week just cruised by. That has always been one thing about this place; time and the weeks have always flown by. The weekend too, unfortunately… But it is what it is. It gets me through and by; and in actuality… Pretty well, all in all; as long as there’s no one around to take advantage of me. There’s an entire building that does that… Hahaha But I mean, within my own unit. I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking ABOUT that; even before I threw Ken out. Do I really want to get tied down financially with OTHER PEOPLE??? Even (and especially) my own boys? Somehow, I feel like it would END UP being MY main responsibility. Problems would arise that I would have to FIND a way to cover or we’d lose our house. I don’t want to end up in that predicament… I just don’t feel they’re ready yet and I’m sorry; as MUCH as I love them, want them to have something when I’m gone… Even NOW. I have ALREADY sacrificed SO MUCH of MY LIFE and STILL AM for them… As a Mother does… But they are ADULTS now, and I’m STILL doing it to raise Sully. I’ve never HAD a life of my own, and I’m apparently never GOING to have one. 14 more years, Sully will be 18; I’ll be 64… Basically a foot in the grave. Oh my GOD… Even I hadn’t thought about it with a concept THAT gruesome until now. Hahahaha I knew I was gonna be UP there and MUCH older… But THAT definitely puts a WHOLE NEW spin on it, doesn’t it? Oh well… It’s not like my life has been anything WONDERFUL up to this point anyway; so what’s the difference?

Sarah was here yesterday, and WE were talking, and I brought this up a little… I said to her I felt I was just gonna forget about the whole ‘house’ thing for now; it’s not like I ever have TIME for ‘me’ ANYWAY to GET anything done. Hahaha She laughed because she saw how many people kept coming and going in the time she was here, and that it had NOTHING to do with ‘Edmond’ business. She said, “Yeah, you DO have a LOT of responsibility.” Thank you. I’m SO glad she got to witness a portion of it. When I said to her I was putting it on hold… You should’ve seen her face light up and the BIG smile… Hahaha Then she said, “Well, THAT would work out GREAT for ME if you just stayed HERE forever.” And she laughed. Well, raising Sully… You never know; that just might be the case at this point. Is it what I WANT??? No. If it’s what I DO, it will be yet another sacrifice made in order to accomplish what’s NECESSARY, rather than what I WANT. Story of my life… Why stop now?

Today is Friday 13… Day of bad luck; something always DOES happen to me on this day. Well… Hopefully what JUST happened will be IT because it ROYALLY TICKED me off. One year, my Mercedes was stolen for 4 days and had $4300 worth of damage done to it. Pretty significant… What happens usually IS, in one way or another. It either affects me monetarily or emotionally; or BOTH, for that matter. For an occurrence at Edmond for this morning, I’ve had a ‘wrist slasher’; one of my new residents. Older woman in her 50-60’s range… She and her son moved in less than a month ago, and the ambulance has been here 4 times for her; once just because she was drunk, sitting completely catatonically in the hallway on the 2nd floor. I hope they settle down or I may have to do something about them.

All week, I’ve been with Cassandra… She and Angel are going through a hard time. I THINK it’s because he’s ‘sick’ right now; going down so significantly on his dose. He and Ken are SO much alike in WAYS… And she loves him SO much and Angel feels he doesn’t deserve HER, is what I’M getting. A similar ‘Ken & Wylene’ story… He’s ‘the guy with the girl’ that other guys WANT, but CAN’T HAVE… Cassandra and I are different ‘types’ of women, but SHE does for him things like I did for Ken, and he takes the credit from her, too. Why? Because HE feels HE’S “a piece of shit” and ALL the other things I’ve heard him say over the last 2 years… And HE doesn’t ‘deserve’ her. He needs to get through his illness BEFORE he can deal with ANY other emotional stuff; I told her to let him get through it. Not promising things will be different, but he NEEDS at least that… Because what I’m HEARING are the same old things; and HE’S SICK right now. There isn’t gonna be ANY talking ‘reason’ with him. Even when Angel talks to me about everything; I get the same impression… He’s SO full of anger right now; but why? And at who? Really? Himself… That’s who. That he even has to experience any of what he’s going through… He wonders WHAT he EVER DID to DESERVE ALL that he’s gone through in his life, and at the HAND of EVERYONE that ‘slung the shit’ his way. Why would his OWN Mother NOT want him, love him, care for him… The ONE person in this world he SHOULD be able to TRUST and depend on; the WHOLE reason he HAS ‘trust issues’ in the first place. How SAD is that? I’m SO glad that MY boys [now] know who and what they have and HAVE had in ME as a Mother… The outcome may not always be what we WANTED; but no matter WHAT… WE SURVIVE; and on our OWN. NOT at the expense of OTHERS, screwing others over, robbing others, lying, cheating and stealing. On our OWN means and methods. Truthfully and honestly. My history speaks for itself… And so does theirs, even since THEY’VE been adults. THEY are SURVIVORS.

Anyway… I keep getting interrupted so I guess that’s it for now, Mom. I’ll get back in here when I can. I’m gonna go get dressed for the day. I never know when someone will just drop by. Luke came by and brought lunch the other day; it was nice. We visited for a few hours… He mentioned getting together this weekend. We’ll see… Hahahaha Meanwhile, I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Morning, Mom… I’m SO sorry that it’s been SO long since I’ve written; but you’ve seen all that’s been going on down here… Obviously. BOY, do I need to get Cassandra down here to do my nails; it’s REALLY hard to type. Hahaha Anyway… I’ve been wanting to come spend time with you, it’s just that ‘TIME’ hasn’t allowed it. I’ve been busy with the usual AND getting my house BACK in order. Christmas time, I got these purple colored bins; different sizes and shapes. I’ve begun to utilize them. I re-organized the top shelf in my closet… The left SIDE of my closet… Beside Sully’s drawers… The white drawers that we found, now have Sully’s clothes in them… Cleaned what’s BEEN bothering me near my TV, and set my PERSONAL files up in a rack near my couch… Etc, etc, etc. I’ve gotten A LOT done; like I USUALLY do when Ken and I part. It’s just a fact that he ‘holds me back and down’. Everybody sees it, and the things that have been said TO me by people, such as Tyson… They’ve really opened my eyes; not that KEN hasn’t opened them more himself. When I realized that it’s going on 2 weeks since I threw him out, I was shocked; because I just SO DON’T CARE!!! I’m SO MUCH happier WITHOUT him… And again; so OBVIOUSLY apparent to EVERYONE else. Tyson came in today and FLAT OUT asked me, “So, is Ken around?” I said, “No.” He said, “I can actually tell JUST by the way you’re ACTING because you’re SO MUCH HAPPIER. When HE’S around, you’re SO different. You’re like a BROKEN WOMAN.” Wow… JUST WOW. A “Broken Woman”. THAT’S what HE said; he used THOSE words… “A Broken Woman”. Because THAT’S WHAT I AM when Ken’s around: BROKEN!!! He CONSTANTLY BEATS me down, PUTS me down, I can’t finish a sentence… NOTHING I suggest to “fix” ANY of his problems is GOOD enough, just simply because it’s MY suggestion; even though I’M the one HE drops EVERYTHING ON and expects to DO everything FOR him (just like everyone else)… I’m just SO TIRED of the ENTIRE ‘Roller Coaster ride’; it’s PATHETIC. Then he turns it ALL around on ME because I don’t WANT to be with him and do it anymore; and BECAUSE he gets MORE abusive, starts throwing stuff, breaking stuff, damaging the property… THE WHOLE NINE YARDS… And WON’T leave… He just EXPECTS ME to LIVE IN HIS HELL… SORRY, but NO… I call Angel to come down to PREVENT anything further from happening and to MAKE him LEAVE. I NEED PROTECTION because I’M NOT GOING TO LIVE MY OLD LIFE ANYMORE. I DESERVE BETTER. And the TRUTH is… I KNOW that what HE wants to happen IS for ME to HIT HIM so HE can call the police and I’LL get arrested; just like what he TRIED to cause when he GOT me PULLED OVER when he PUT me in a position to drive for him when I COULDN’T and SHOULDN’T have. I didn’t, thank GOD and YOU, My Blessed Mother… And probably even MY rapport WITH the local PD’s; he just let me park it at home and gave me a ticket that I SHOULDN’T have gotten in the FIRST place. I wouldn’t have driven otherwise… I ALSO was FINE in the predicament UNTIL KEN STARTLED ME with a POLICE OFFICER RIGHT BEHIND ME and we BOTH KNEW IT. He caused me to get pulled over in HOPES I would get arrested. I knew it THEN and I know it EVEN MORE NOW.

This last ‘confrontation’ proved something to me though. I’ve done a LOT of ‘self-work’ over the last several years. With ALL I’ve been through and HAD to do to protect myself and the boys… I’ve paid a price; an emotional AND physical price. But NOW, I CAN be faced with a situation where I am SO ENRAGED that I WANT to PUMMEL someone INTO THE GROUND… And NOT DO IT. NOT lay a hand on them. I MAINTAINED ‘self-control’ throughout the ENTIRE incident, REGARDLESS of how bad I wanted to fight him. Even in my earlier 40’s, that wouldn’t have been the case; so, I HAVE made ‘self-accomplishment’ in my own awareness; and that’s GOOD. I AM an ABUSE SURVIVOR; and I REFUSE to be in a, so called ‘relationship’ where I am CONSTANTLY DEFENDING myself in ANY way, shape or form. With Ken; I was… CONSTANTLY. WHY??? Because of WHO and WHAT I AM? For the morals, standards and values I have that HE cannot REACH??? HE beats ME DOWN so that HE can FEEL ABOVE me. How do you feel NOW, KEN? It must be horrible for you when your ‘charm’ DOESN’T work on a woman. So, just give up on me and go back to your old ways; it’s what YOU do best. Not that you EVER ‘gave it up’. I just feel bad for them; even women not of my statute don’t deserve what YOU have to offer. You, frankly should just stick with ‘your own kind’… But you won’t; because that’s not your MO. YOU find women that HAVE something to offer YOU… Then sponge OFF of them. I should’ve listened to my instincts LONG ago; even when I saw that ‘Devil in Blue Jeans’ smiling, standing in front of me. I was going through so much at the time… But I SHOULD’VE listened to my gut, AS usual… NOW I’m paying, and HAVE paid DEARLY along the way; even for things you’ve never admitted to… But I know. Again; the prices I pay for my own stupidity and fool-hearted foolishness... Especially when I KNOW what I’m getting myself into, and do it anyway; and for WHAT, LOVE??? Ha. At least this time, he’s MADE me hate him so much, the ‘Point of NO RETURN’ has NO U-TURN. THAT’S for SURE this time. I already ‘wasted’ 3 years… SO underserved. I’m not going to ‘waste’ anymore undeserved energy on him either… Just as I apparently EFFORTLESSLY haven’t been for the last TWO WEEKS. I didn’t even realize it had been almost 2 weeks until HE kept pointing it out. Hahahaha I looked at Blayze and said, “Wow. I threw Ken out on New Year’s. It HAS been almost 2 weeks.” I’ve just been SO FINE and getting SO MUCH accomplished… I’m more MYSELF; regardless of pain. Ken even put me down about THAT. WHATEVER… I ‘JUST DO IT’ like YOU raised me to do.

He thinks I don’t know when he says or does things… When he’s ‘being charming’, he’s JUST TRYING to ‘be nice’ to get on ‘my good side’ to worm his way back in. He’ll SAY what he THINKS I WANT to hear… But in REALITY, I don’t give a shit anymore; pardon my French, but I AM French. Once he realizes I’m not responding the way HE wants and/or anticipated or planned, he turns into THE ASSHOLE; starts putting me down, making threats and calling me names. Oh… But by the way… This MAN I’m talking about… Is the MAN that’s “IN LOVE” WITH ME; wants to “MARRY” ME and spend the “REST of [his] LIFE” WITH ME; CLAIMS he wants to “take CARE” of me… ALL kinds of EMPTY promises were MADE, but NEVER materialized; and PLENTY BROKEN. I’M the one that provided for MOST everything; I had the monetary INCOME; I WORKED for the ROOF over our heads… I handled just about everything. Ken was good at screwing everything up, but then pointing fingers AT everyone else; causing misery; spending MY money (and HIS when he HAD it where it SHOULDN’T have gone)… Ken was good at just making MY life DIFFICULT and MISERABLE. We had a LOT of good times… So many and SO good; THOSE have been the hardest to forget, let go of and understand HOW he can be the MONSTER that he IS. Also WHY it was so hard for ME to let go of HIM because I’ve never had with a man what I had WITH him… And never will again, I’m sure. But a MONSTER, he IS. When you’re in the HOSPITAL because your life is LITERALLY IN DANGER and you COULD have DIED had you NOT gone; then the MAN that [supposedly] ‘loves’ you, LOOKS you RIGHT in your face and says, QUOTE-UNQUOTE, “I HOPE YOU FU—ING DIE, BITCH.” Then, he gets mad because you want him to leave your hospital room because you don’t want HIS, so called ‘comfort’??? I had to HAVE him removed, which, of course angered him further and he caused a scene. I don’t think I’ve EVER had ANYONE embarrass me in my entire life MORE than KEN has in our relationship; he’s just a straight up ‘embarrassment’. The way he acts, talks… He THINKS he’s ‘cool’ and whatever; he’s not. He comes off as an idiot and I’ve TRIED to help him, but OF COURSE I just “THINK [I’m] better” than everybody else… Yeah, OK… Just because I’M educated, didn’t QUIT school, HAVE manners, KNOW how to ACT and TALK around people, etc… I TRIED to help. I didn’t THINK I was better. I saw an issue and I tried to help; END OF STORY. Same that I tried to do when I saw his OTHER issues… A LOT of good it did ME.

I can’t help that I have a brain and USE it. I can’t help that I had a GREAT Mother that LOVED and CARED about Her children; but I’m GRATEFUL. I have faults… I make mistakes… I just CONTINUED to make the same one over and over with Ken. Why? Because I gave him more than what I should’ve, as usual… But I loved him SO MUCH. He destroyed me. I already had ‘trust issues’ and gave SO MUCH ‘benefit of the doubt’ in order to try and build trust WITH him. I don’t know if I’ll EVER be able to ‘TRUST’ ANYONE… EVER. It’s my own fault; I put WAY too much into the WRONG person. Not only should I have listened to what other people said; I should have listened to my OWN original INSTINCT. Granted, I never would’ve experienced all that I did with him that I had never experienced before; but that would’ve been OK. You don’t know what you’ve never had. I had ALREADY been through the other BS, over and over throughout my life that I went through with him, and I DIDN’T need any of THAT abuse again. He even took it to other levels… I’ve never been called the derogatory names that HE calls me by my exes; NONE of them have EVER called me “A Whore”, “A dirty Cu-t”, even JUST “A Cu-t”, “A Douchebag”… I’ve been called a “bitch”; big deal. Hahaha They MAKE me be one in the situation under the circumstances; I feel the need to defend. They get insulting and accusatory, but can NEVER throw out even ONE EXAMPLE of what I SUPPOSEDLY do of what they’re ‘ACCUSING’ me OF; but I could give THEM a LIST… Even verbally; ESPECIALLY KEN. I went through this MAINLY with Ken… I don’t lie, cheat or steal. I don’t screw people over. I’ve spent my LIFE HELPING people, SELF-SACRAFICIALLY. If all THAT makes ME a ‘bad person’; well then, I’m GUILTY as charged. Not ONCE in my LIFETIME has ANYONE been able to throw out a FACT of ME screwing someone over; and NEVER WILL. But the SCARS I bear tell a different story…

All I can say, Mom is… I have a LOT of thoughts, feelings and emotions; I won’t be able to get them all out here now. But I’m OK. I’ll get through this just like I get through everything… And I WILL SURVIVE. People TRY to ‘crush’ me and ‘destroy’ me because THEY don’t feel ‘equivalent’… And THAT’S just SAD. I don’t treat people that way; they DO it to THEMSELVES. But obviously, when they’re LASHING OUT AT ME, they’re no one I need in MY life any longer. Ken thinks ‘blocking’ me on Facebook and so forth hurts my feelings… Hahaha I’m actually waiting for him to leave state again for YET ANOTHER woman he found on the internet. Hahaha It’s how HE survives; OFF OF WOMEN… NOT on HIS own. Good luck to THEM. ‘Peter Pan’… He’ll NEVER grow up and NEVER change. But you know what, Mom? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!! Hahahaha

OK, Mom… I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Hi, Mom. I know, I know... Long time. But I know you see ALL that has been going on, too. So, I know you also forgive me. Not that you wouldn't anyway... I'm just saying. Hahaha MY life just NEVER changes, DOES it? :-)  Anyway...

The bright side is that we're looking into a house. We found a PERFECT one and I'm TRULY hoping to be able to buy it. It's in Derry and it COULDN'T be more perfect. PLEASE guide us in all the right directions that will lead us INTO THAT house.

'The Ken & Wylene Saga'… Consider the final chapter written; The End. 
There's SO MUCH that irritates me though... Not about BEING broken up; THAT'S what I WANT. What irritates me is how MUCH of a LIE our, so called 'relationship' was. How MUCH truth I know that HE can't take responsibility FOR... Yet I'M ALL those HORRIBLE, NASTY things he called me throughout all these years... Alone, in front of people, LOUD enough for others to HEAR. I think NOT. No... I KNOW not. And, in reality, so does HE. "When OTHERS feel the need to drag YOU down; it's because THEY feel YOU are ABOVE THEM." Everything was always fine as long as HE was getting HIS way... But he was STILL doing 'HIS THING', and IF he thinks I WAS, HAVEN'T BEEN and AREN'T STILL aware... He's so VERY WRONG. My Mamma didn't raise NO FOOL. Granted, I DO fool-ISH things; like BE with Ken... Forgive him so much and so many times... Just wasting my life away; which is what I'm sure HE'S telling people about HIMSELF, making HIMSELF the victim, as usual. Hahaha THAT'S KEN. Candy and I joked... I brought it up and she thought it was a GREAT idea... About starting a 'Beware of Ken Reed' site for women only. Hahaha Giving women the heads up ABOUT Ken, so they don't make the same mistakes WE did. Hahaha If ONLY I were a vindictive bitch. I THINK things; I just don't ACT upon them... There's a DIFFERENCE. I also DON'T ALWAYS think things; just sometimes. Depends on how mad I am. Hahaha Anyway...

My feelings for Ken started changing quite a while back. About our first month after he got back from PA was good. After that... I don't know. I just 'see signs', but HE says I'm not supposed to trust in them. Not in those words; HE wants me to trust HIM. HOW??? GIVE ME REASON TO. In 3 years, you've given me NOTHING but reason NOT to trust you... But then you SAY "Trust me". Based on WHAT??? Your sneaky, lying, cheating ACTIONS??? Yeah, sure. NO, thank you. I won't even bring in other suspicions. Not worth it. 

Over these 3 years, I've gotten ALL the proof I need to verify ME. What YOU did TO me; NOT FOR me... I don't need ALL your TRASH mouth and talk ABOUT me, TO me... Do you have ANY CLUE how you've betrayed me? But you CLAIM to 'LOVE' me... HOW could or should ANYONE BELIEVE YOU???? You throw that word around like SNOW. You'll 'DO' ANY woman and BE with ANY woman... Doesn't matter WHAT she LOOKS like, as long as she can PROVIDE FOR you. You'll TELL her ANYTHING you THINK she wants to hear... YOU CHARMER, you. And now that WE'RE broken up, you'll play THAT card... And of course, YOU'LL be the VICTIM and I'LL be the BITCH. It WON'T be that I DIDN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, which is the ACTUAL TRUTH. Just like those texts the other day about you not wanting to use the bathroom while I was in there... Giving me my privacy since we're broken up... Blah, blah, BLAH. WHO did you need to show THOSE to??? Because YOU had been in the bathroom SEVERAL TIMES with me THAT DAY; just NOT while I was showering. I was just AMAZED that you didn't do your USUAL checking on me routine... Which meant that you were BUSY with SOMEONE ELSE. FINE!!! I DON'T CARE!!! You didn't need to flip out on me. Because ALL I said was that it was weird I was in the bathroom for so long and you left me alone. I was gone for almost 3 hours. You just HAD to argue the 3 hours because YOU lost track of time LIKE YOU DO WHILE MESSAGING!!! Not saying you don't while playing your games... However... The couple times I went in, especially the first time, you minimized what you were in AND I know your composure while playing your games. I'm SORRY, BUT I KNOW you were doing WHATEVER that you didn't want me to know about... But I DON'T CARE. I'm trying to emotionally separate from you. I'm not saying there's not some difficulty. But what IS... Is. YOU'RE not gonna change. Proven fact. I can't afford to waste anymore time; but the fact is, I don't even have the desire to. I know what I know; I sense what I sense... And I'm sorry, my senses have been PROVEN RIGHT all along... And I DON'T DESERVE what he 'dishes out'; the abuse. I deserve to be treated like a LADY; at ALL times. He wants to keep playing 'Peter Pan', that's fine. Difference is, the REAL 'Peter Pan' doesn't AGE. Ken's looks are already fading... That kind of life makes them fade even faster. Me? I'll look younger, LONGER... For MANY reasons. ;-) 

I know I have a LOT to say and I even need to sit and write my feelings to you, Mom. I'll do that in piecemeal, in a different place. But for now, I feel a little better having talked with you. :-D
OK, Mom, I'm gonna go for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Happy Thanksgiving, My Blessed Mother... I couldn't go to bed without saying at least that. I miss you SO much... Especially around these holidays; but today was good. A GREAT day with the whole family, here at home... And it was peaceful. <3

Anyway... I just wanted to say I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Yay!!! Sully went to Josh's for the weekend!!! Break for Meme'!!! Haha Isn't that supposed to be the OTHER way around??? The PARENT saying that about the child going TO the grandparent's house??? Hahaha Oh well... It's my life; C'est Lavie. Haha My family is HIGHLY 'Functionally Dysfunctional' at worst; so, we're not so bad, all in all, I guess. My 'Mother's Instinct' is definitely still in tact though. I got up and went to the bathroom as usual. Then walked back to the bedroom; but when I did, I had that BRIEF moment of BREATH taking shock that just MOMENTARILY stops you in your tracks... Not even long enough to notice... Because Sully wasn't in my room sleeping in his bed. Haha For that BRIEF iota of a moment, I forgot he wasn't here; then it was, "Oh yeah, he's at Josh's." Haha WHEW!!! PARTY TIME!!! Haha Yeah, I WISH!!! Haha I'm NOT 20 anymore... Hahaha Those days are LONG gone. ;-)

Well, Ken came for a visit yesterday; twice. It went OK actually... Weird in some ways. It's an adjustment going from being one way with a person, to the complete EXTREME opposite way of being with them. Anytime he found himself touching me while sitting near me, he'd move. That was definitely weird. As a rule, he only avoids 'touching' me when we're fighting and he's all mad at me and stuff; full of 'attitude'. So, that was different. I started to feel like he didn't WANT to touch me, so I tried to sit up more straight so my legs were as away from him as they COULD be. But he also sends me mixed signals... He tells me in one breath that this isn't about US at all; maybe 1% about me. OK. I WANT him to concentrate on himself to get better. I've WANTED him to do this for a LONG TIME; 3 YEARS!!! I'VE been telling him these things that he's hearing from MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. So glad that it took them to tell him and our RELATIONSHIP to EXPLODE to pieces for him to FINALLY maybe 'accept' and 'see the light' that he 'has problems' that need to be addressed, rehabilitated and maintained. Because NOW WHAT??? Look what we HAD... And LOOK at us NOW... In all honesty, I don't know what to believe. I hear what comes out of your mouth... But I know where we've BEEN. Your saying who knows in a year or two. Well... I just GAVE you THREE; and look what I got out of THOSE. I'm not saying I won't help you or be here for you... But I'm also not saying I'll put my life on hold, I guess. I've changed my mind about that. Why? Because I don't truly believe YOU have. I KNOW you haven't since we've broken up, and I KNOW that for a FACT, despite what you SAY. Doesn't mean you've dated, that I know of... I'm just saying that I know you've been up to the 'same ole, same ole'. Then you do the 'same ole, same ole' and LIE to me about it!!! Therefore, it CONTINUES to PROVE to me that I CAN'T TRUST you. See??? The 'Cons' of why I shouldn't always prevail... And I'm sorry... I think there was more to the fight between he and Mom than he's telling me. Mom was REALLY upset about it. Well wait a minute... Now I'm remembering the cigarette story. THAT WOULD upset Mom. Unless that's something he thought up... Which he IS GOOD at... On the spot right there. He DID have some time to think; it had been 24 hours by that time. I don't know WHAT to think and THAT is NOT how it SHOULD BE!!! I should be able to TRUST whatever he says... JUST because he SAID it. People can ME. People have ACTUALLY said to me through OUT my lifetime that they came to ME BECAUSE they KNEW I would TELL THEM THE TRUTH. There were times, that WASN'T a comfortable situation, and I didn't want to ANSWER the question I was being asked. So, they simply LOOKED at me and said, "Wylene. The LOOK on your face SAYS IT ALL. THANK YOU. I KNEW I could depend on YOU for the TRUTH." I was like, "Oh, GREAT" because it was about a boyfriend cheating on his girlfriend with a BUNCH of my girlfriends back in my Dunkin Donuts Gang days. I did NOT want to answer her; DIDN'T, but the EXPRESSION on my face and absolute SILENCE was ALLLL she needed. Hahaha BAGGED!!!! MAN, that was a horrible time for me... Her boyfriend Scott was like a big brother to me. I didn't approve of what he did, but wasn't in control of it. I lost him because of all that... They ended up getting married and he wasn't ALLOWED to keep a BUNCH of his friends. Understandable... Why ME, I didn't understand. I wasn't sleeping with him... But whatever; I understood her choices. Anyway, I stray...

I don't know, Mom... This whole Ken thing; it's just 'weird'. I'm sure like everything else in my life, I'll get through it. Hahaha I just hope he sees this mental health thing through; he NEEDS it. I hope this isn't some facade for now. IF he's found someone else, I hope he doesn't put them through what he put me through. I hope he's LEARNED how to treat a woman. Maybe he can actually KEEP one for a change... Stop cheating and they'll be a chance. Haha But that includes ALL forms... Messaging, online, in person flirting, etc. STOP lying, be trust worthy, dependable and reliable, help out... Be A MAN; NOT just in the bedroom. THAT'S not the most important thing. Anyway... I just hope he finally gets what he's needed for a LONG time and I TRIED to help him with.

OK, Mom. I gotta go get a room ready for one of my residents that comes back now and then. He's one of my faves, Dennis St. Pierre. Great guy... So I'll end for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well, what a day I had yesterday; especially the evening. Blayze and I were supposed to go grocery shopping because of his schedule all weekend; as you know, THAT didn't happen... Not because of anything with Blayze. Also, as you know, Ken and I have been 'talking'... I want to be friends with him; I was in love with him and do still love and care about him. It doesn't matter that things have changed. I'm just trying to determine if last night was real or 'a tactic'; because, unfortunately, we all know that he's not above 'pulling out all the stops' to get what he wants. I know he's hurt... I know he's heartbroken... I know he even loves me, regardless of how he's treated me and all he's done TO me over the years. But suicidal??? Committing himself??? I BEGGED him to 'get help' WHILE he was WITH me... One more issue basically 'ignored', except a couple of times when he knew he was on his way out the door. He saw someone BRIEFLY, but then it STOPPED. Again... Same ole, same ole; empty and broken promises; made for the purpose of getting or staying WITH me... Once accomplished, the ball is DROPPED and the OLD routine is RESUMED. Just the whole way it kept going last night... He wanted me to go there, which I would have. Now... He kept telling me it was 'Voluntary'; but then he said they were TELLING him he HAD to go to Cypress Center because he was 'Unstable'. Well... He told me he went in talking 'suicide' and was brought in by cops and ambulance. OK... So, was it 'Voluntary' or did he 'HAVE TO' go??? Because if I went there on his behalf and started talking to them... He said ANYTHING about wanting to leave and NOT go; I would've ended up in a situation of being the one 'signing' him out and being LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for him IF it wasn't 'VOLUNTARY'... And I couldn't do that. That would've put him RIGHT BACK here. I would've been RIGHT BACK in the same situation I fought to get OUT of. He said he had a 'blowout' with Mom; but for SOME reason, he doesn't want me to know ABOUT what. WHY??? WHAT could be THAT bad??? Did he and Mary get caught screwing around or something and he doesn't want me to know? Hahahahahaha I don't even care... Frankly, I EXPECT it. It's certainly SOMETHING that he feels guilty for because it SETS HIM OFF. Why he thinks it will bother me, I don't know... LOOK at all he's put me through!!! WHILE he was WITH ME!!! Does he REALLY THINK that something he does while broken UP is gonna devastate me??? Hahahaha For real... I think I'm WAY beyond that point now. But anway... I hope he's OK. He got to Cypress Center and just signed himself out like he said he was gonna do. I texted him this morning asking him to let me know he's alright when he wakes up. Don't know if he will... Maybe he's mad at me for not being able to be there for him last night. I couldn't be; I'm not able to drive myself for one. I guess we'll find out... I invited him to come over prior to him going to the hospital; so if he wanted to see me that bad, he could've. Thing is, I told him he would've had to go home... I don't know, Mom. Last night, I could've let him stay... In the empty room or something. I just don't want to give him 'false hope'. IF he ACTUALLY GOT HELP, and PROVED to me that it was ACTUALLY WORKING and he was ACTUALLY LIVING a DIFFERENT life... One that he and I said that we were going to live together... I would consider DATING him to give it a CHANCE. I would need to SEE that he was UTILIZING his treatment and possible/more than likely medications. I will NOT just 'hop back in the frying pan' YET again to get BURNED. He would actually need to make me FEEL about him the way that I used to... He sent me something quite fitting: "How do you know when it's over?" "Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you." Yeah... That's how I feel and felt while he was still here; sadly. I wanted back SO BADLY what we HAD... I TRIED talking to him, but he WOULDN'T LISTEN; as usual. :'(  It's as though, just like the other men of my past, he took TOO MUCH stock in my love for him; too much 'faith'. You can have faith in ME; but when you're using and abusing me... Love dies. Somehow, I still manage to love and care for you; but the intensity lessens.

He just contacted me... I'll see how he's doing. So, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom… WHEW!!!! WHAT a WEEK PLUS!!! Hahaha But we made it through, of course. Sorry I haven’t been able to spend time with you; not for the lack of trying, Lord knows. Haha HOW many times did I come in here with intentions??? Yeah… Haha  So, you at least KNOW, Mom. I’ll tell ya though… I can’t WAIT for Blayze to take me to get my nails done this week!!! It’s SOOOOO hard to type now. Hahaha I need them filed down a bit. Hahaha 

He ended up having Monday off, so he took me around quite a bit; I got Big Lots, drops in Hooksett, WalMart shopping done… We even did some stuff in between. I got a new coffee maker! It’s SOOOO AWESOME!!! It doesn’t even have a carafe; AND you can brew ICE COFFEE IN it!!! Hahaha You put your coffee cup UP to it and the coffee POURS INTO your CUP!!! I LOVE IT!!! Still makes up to 12 cups, too! Auto shut-off UP to 4 hours to keep coffee warm… It’s just AWESOME!!! It’s a Hamilton Beach product. I was looking at some others that would’ve ‘sufficed’ and I would’ve been ‘satisfied’ that were all of $5 LESS than what I paid for THIS one; so, I got it and I’m ECSTATIC INSTEAD!!! Hahaha I feel that now that I live alone for the most part again, I should be able to have SOME nicer things without them getting broken all the time. Before, I knew there was no sense in it. If I was gonna get a coffee maker; it was coming from someplace like Savers… Sorry. I wasn’t paying the kind of money I just did to have it be destroyed on me… Like everything else has been. Now… It’s time to rebuild; but ONLY a little. I want to SIMPLIFY my life. The plan, for the most part, remains the same. Gotta get through ALL ‘the baggage’; but I will. Things are starting to get accomplished. Sully is FINALLY in school!!! He LOVES it! He goes for more testing… Hopefully, the transportation will kick in soon. But things are MOVING along! ;-)
Sully has been better since Ken has been gone; I actually knew that was a big part of Sully’s digressing behavior problem. I watched Sully; his actions AND his expressions whenever it involved Ken. I also listened to what he said ABOUT Ken at times, in just normal conversation; not when he was ‘being a brat’. Ken was doing to Sully some of what he always does to me: ‘I’m gonna be mean, vicious and abusive to you; but THEN I’m gonna play the “I love you” game.’ Since Ken’s been gone, Sully and I have been able to get more on the level that WE used to be on… I HATED that Ken ALWAYS was putting me in positions that I HAD to back him up; because it WASN’T something I would’ve said or done in MY methods of parenting. But I AM and always HAVE been a parent; Ken ISN’T and really CAN’T claim to be. He’s ‘procreated’; but he has not RAISED his children; was not THERE for his children and STILL ISN’T. I HAVE BEEN and AM, and NO ONE can take that away from me. NO ONE. Ken has lived for Ken; his track and criminal records are BLACK and WHITE PROOF of THAT… Aren’t they? Can’t deny what’s in black and white.

Am I sad at all? Of course I am… But after thinking it ALL over, I’ve come to realize how I really DO feel at this point. I gave it THREE YEARS… NO ONE can say I didn’t give it my ALL; NO one. I forgave things I’ve NEVER forgiven; there were reasons WHY I did and it didn’t matter if ANYONE ELSE understood why… I HAD to. I loved him for reasons; maybe SOME even unknown to me… But I did; and UNLIKE ANYONE I had ever loved IN MY LIFE. I had NEVER let ANYONE close to me; except HIM. We had this ‘connection’… Over the course of these 3 years, NONE of these things ‘disappeared’, DESPITE what he put me through or how much he hurt me. But I KEPT WARNING him that they WOULD; I would reach a ‘Point of No Return’ at SOME point if things DIDN’T change. The fact that we HAD to touch when we were near each other; even if we were eating or sleeping. No matter HOW much he hurt me or WHAT he did; it NEVER changed. But this LAST time… As usual, he came back with his ‘promises’, that TURN into ‘empty promises’. He starts off WHOLE HOG, then fizzles… He was actually ABLE to hold a conversation, and I’d POINT IT OUT to him in a NICE way; to show him how NICE it was that we were TALKING and RESOLVING an issue, rather than FIGHTING and DESTROYING MY HOME because of HIS ANGER ISSUES. He, of course, AGREED because he wanted to stay, I guess… At THIS point; I can ONLY believe that he actually LIKES ‘Chaos and Drama’ because he CAUSES so much of it!!! When you HAVE a PEACEFUL partner, yet CHOOSE to CAUSE ‘Chaos and Drama’; WHAT is the other person SUPPOSED to think????? Well… I KNOW what I’m SAYING: TAKE IT ELSEWHERE!!! I deserve BETTER, thank you. I’ve ASKED him STRAIGHT OUT: “Am I a bad girlfriend?” His answer: “No.” “Am I a GOOD girlfriend?” His answer: “Yes.” OK… Then WHY abuse me and CALL ME HORRENDOUS names AND tell me that I “don’t deserve” YOU?” Of course…. He was RIGHT about that; just NOT the WAY he meant it. Hahaha But my retaliation BACK on him left him WITHOUT retaliation; I TOLD him, he was right… That I DIDN’T deserve him, I deserved BETTER; and that HE certainly DIDN’T deserve ME. He knew it was the truth… Just because you WANT something (or someone), doesn’t mean you DESERVE it (or them). Thing is… I didn’t ask for much; but I sure as Hell GAVE a LOT. For him to just sit around on his phone, giving me ATTITUDE when I DID ask for something or NEEDED something; or even if I DIDN’T ask. WHY should I HAVE to ask???… To just EXPECT ME to DO everything FOR him, but DO so LITTLE in RETURN… To continue to lie, sneak around about ANYTHING… To Call ME names, even just in anger… Not let ME talk when ALL I DO is LISTEN; to EVERYONE… To CONTINUE to BREAK my belongings and DESTROY my home in his anger fits… To CONTINUE to make his ‘Empty Promises’ that NEVER materialize… To CONTINUE to MAKE me live in HIS world, under HIS RULE; but then say that I’M “controlling” when that’s NEVER been the case. Ex-Boyfriends that are HONEST (like JD) will tell you I'm not controlling… To CONTINUE to ‘disrupt’ MY world and home with HIS MESS; CONSTANTLY EXPECTING me to just CLEAN UP AFTER him ALL the time REGARDLESS of HOW many times PER DAY I clean, even JUST the bedroom. HE complained about ‘mess and clutter’, that HE “didn’t like it”, yet it’s HIS!!! Now that HE’S gone, so is the MESS and CLUTTER, thank you very much; EVEN with Sully here… The list goes on; sorry.

I’ve been SO MUCH and noticeably happier since he’s been gone; even Tyson said something to me and KNEW it was BECAUSE he was gone. He brought it up and, NO, I didn’t say a word to anyone prior. What I’m ‘sad’ about is the loss of the relationship and what I had WITH him; I know I’ll never have it again. It took me 46 years to find Ken… I don’t have that kind of time left. Besides…Everything HE put me through; HE REALLY ‘broke’ me. Brian was my most physically abusive relationship; Ken was the most emotionally abusive. At the end, though… Doesn’t matter, it’s all over now. I felt things changing, drastically, the last few months this time. I KEPT trying to talk to him; but as usual, to no avail. He wouldn’t listen, started fights, slamming doors… Just the same ole, same ole. Before I knew it, I was drifting… We didn’t sit the same ways, cuddle or even kiss. He kissed me goodbye and stuff; but little ‘lip kisses’. We used to literally ‘make out’ with passion; not anymore… And I didn’t have desire to like I used to. I LOVED kissing him. I LOVED being held by him… It just didn’t feel right UNLESS I was IN his arms; securely wrapped ‘like a glove’. That’s even what we used to say, because it’s HOW I fit IN his arms; ‘like a glove’. I miss ALL of that… But I don’t miss the rest; I’m finally at peace otherwise. I WISH things could’ve been different… I WORKED at them to be different… But it takes more than for ME to work at it; it takes for BOTH of us, and THAT wasn’t happening… And I’m EXHAUSTED. So, I’m moving on…

He’ll be fine. He’ll find someone else, as usual… If he hasn’t already. I KNOW he’s already ‘been on the hunt’, so… Facebook, if not already active WHILE with me, WENT active THAT DAY. Haha Though, I’m pretty sure he already HAD it. Nothing out of the ordinary with Ken… A Leopard never changes its spots, right Mom? Haha Well… Just like I know that, let’s hope Ken, if he hasn’t learned YET, WILL learn eventually that… One of the things he loved about me and always used to say TO me was that I was “Wifey”. Well… You can turn a HOUSEWIFE INTO a whore; but you CAN’T turn a WHORE INTO a HOUSEWIFE. Hahahaha Ken LOVES his whores; of course, he IS one himself. Lived a completely different life than I did. I guess us ‘coming from two different worlds’ and ‘being cut from different cloth’ really DID get in the way in OUR case. All I can say at this point is that I wish him well and as for myself… C’est Lavie. I’m back on ‘Auto Pilot’, JUST DOING IT. Hahaha

OK, Mom, I guess that’s it for now. I’ll get in here when I can. More testing for Sully tomorrow morning… I can’t wait until he’s just hopping on a bus and going to school every day and I can forget about stuff. I gotta get under one roof with Josh so HE can have some of this responsibility. Anyway… I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Hi, Mom... I know; I'm in here at such an obscene hour and I haven't even been to bed yet. Haha I just got SO into what I was doing, I lost track of time! I'm not used to being able to just do what I want and NOT be interrupted; asked, "Are you coming in the bedroom anytime soon?" Even when I hadn't been away all that long; he just couldn't stand for me to be away from HIM. I have to tell ya... It's so nice having my 'free will' back. I look like myself, sound like myself, act like myself... And it was instantaneous. Everyone noticed it immediately after he was gone. I'd say THAT has to speak volumes...

All kinds of things have re-run in my head; over, and over, and over... I know on many levels, this was the right thing to do. I know Ken... I'm SURE he's at his 'usual'. I'm sure he was BEFORE we split. If he really thinks I believe that ALL those 'Ken Reed' Facebook profiles that SUDDENLY appeared after we got back together... No profile pic... WEREN'T his... He is sadly mistaken. One thing about Ken; he's resourceful. When he REALLY wants something, he usually finds a way to get it. He made a [empty] promise to me about his phone... Would stay OFF of and AWAY from ALL temptations. Did he? HIGHLY doubtful. That's not Ken. He's a liar, a cheater and a sneak; and regardless of WHAT HE thinks... You DON'T have to have PHYSICAL CONTACT for it to be CHEATING. There's such a thing as 'Emotional Cheating'; you never lay a hand ON another person. NOTHING is done with human contact. The thing is... Do I care? No. It's dead this time; he killed it. I am FINALLY at the Point of NO Return. He can't say I didn't try... Although... He's still 'Talking Devil' behind my back; per usual. Lies, lies and MORE lies. WHATEVER... In all honesty... I really don't care WHAT he thinks, HOW he feels; NOTHING. I guess you could say, "My Give A Damn Is Busted". Hahaha I'm done bleeding... The damage that COULD be done, HAS been done. It's over.

Now he can go back to the life that he's been apparently 'missing' so much... But it can have him; and so can the women he LOVES to choose. THEY are more 'deserving' of him; I'M not. I don't deserve to get called names or put into categories that I don't belong; accused of things I DIDN'T do or say, or just the opposite... I should GET credit for what I DID do or say. Let the women 'lower on the totem pole' handle him; they can take his money for services rendered or whatever... After all; those are the kind he GOES for... Whores. 'Birds of a feather, flock together.' Hahaha I have more important things to do with my life... I'M a 'grown up'. I think about my priorities; Ken only thinks about Ken and what makes HIM happy. Anyway...

I'll write more later, Mom, but I'm gonna try to get SOME sleep before I have to get up in about an hour or so. I just wanted to spend some time with you. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom… Again, sorry it’s been so long. As you know, I miss OUR time together terribly; but my plate has been even MORE full than usual… If that’s even possible. Haha Yeah… I can’t use ‘Lol’ anymore to express laughter, which was SUPPOSED to mean ‘laugh out loud’. Josh posted something about how every time we use it, it’s actually PRAISING Satan because of what the letters ACTUALLY mean; but I can’t think of the meaning at the moment… Something about HIM being Lord. Ummmmm, NO!!! Since that post, I have NOT been able to use it and actually use ‘Haha’ in its place; I just CAN’T. I won’t do or say ANYTHING that even MIGHT ‘praise’ Satan; never mind include ‘Lord’ in the equation WITH his so-called name. The world is SO messed up… Something as simple and menial as an expressive acronym; destroyed by THE DEVIL. But I guess that’s just HOW MUCH GOD, Jesus, The Blessed Mother and ALL that is Holy means to ME. With ALL that I’ve managed to sacrifice in my life, and I’m sure I will continue to… An acronym used on such a regular basis will be the LEAST of my concerns. Haha

I’ve been working real hard at getting Sully into school. I’ve been to meetings, making phone calls, on the computer… He’s been approved for Head Start, Mon – Fri, 8-11:30. I got him a new Doctor, he’s been to an appointment and had a physical; he weighs 38.2 lbs, is 41.5” tall (which is almost 3-1/2’ tall)… He’s doing well. His blood pressure was good, he’s healthy… Got another appointment for a year from now, so NO concerns. I don’t remember getting MY kids into school being THIS difficult or lengthy of a process… But of course, I did things ALL along the way, the WAY I was supposed to, WHEN I was supposed to; and THAT all makes a HUGE difference. My boys’ birth certificates weren’t ‘in question’ and neither were the paternities; even though WE know that Josh is Sully’s father, Josh was NOT on the birth cert from the get go, which I knew would pose problems and TOLD him so back THEN… As well as REGRET. As usual, I was right. The problem at hand is, I’M the one suffering the MAJORITY of JOSH’S ‘Karma’ and consequences; NOT Josh. I’M the one that always ends up cleaning up everyone else’s ‘mess’ and DOING all the ‘leg work’. It always gets dropped on MY lap. Yeah, and THEN when I get the mess cleaned up or MOSTLY cleaned up… They want to take hold of the reins again; kinda like now. This is the situation at hand NOW…

After I’ve done ALL of this; have had Sully since April 8, my birthday of this year… Have NOT gotten ANY assistance from ANYONE the ENTIRE time; not state, Josh or Tori…. NO ONE; I have SOLEY supported Sully BECAUSE I kept hearing EVERY month that Josh was “gonna get a place” the following month. I FINALLY gave up recently and applied for assistance for Sully in my household and am NOW getting a small benefit for him. Today is Tuesday and on Sunday, Josh moved into the room that TORI rents because she is SUPPOSEDLY going to rehab in LIEU of jail for all her crimes, violations of her Parole, bail and ‘good behavior’, etc. She had court yesterday… She’s still around. Yeah… Soooooo, WHAT round in 7 years will THIS be??? WHY Josh CONTINUES to ‘fall under her spell’, I GUESS Blayze and I will continue to NOT understand, where he CONTINUES to deny any REAL feelings for her. Saying they “have a special bond because they have a child together and have been through a lot together”; yup, I can understand ALL of that. But it DOESN’T mean that you have to CONTINUE to be her ‘emotional prisoner’ and ‘victim’; and CONTINUE to make the ENTIRE FAMILY victims, as well. Because THAT’S what happens; EVERY TIME. Why? Because we love Josh and Sully and families are supposed to stick together. When Josh ends up ‘stuck’ in Hell, who ‘rescues’ him? WE DO!!! But Josh isn’t alone anymore; he has Sully; and SORRY… SHE is NOT a ‘Mother’; THAT has been proven TIME and AGAIN. How much MORE does Sully have to experience, see, go through with HER before Josh FINALLY says “ENOUGH!!!” I’m not perfect… I made my mistakes as a Mother… But I didn’t REPEATEDLY make the SAME mistakes OVER, and OVER and OVER… And especially not with the SAME mistake of a PERSON. Once I was OUT; I was OUT. DONE and OVER; point of NO Return. Josh needs to NOT just SAY it; he needs to REACH it. He and I are gonna have a REAL serious talk about Sully and the ‘living situation’; because, yeah… The situation HAS been ‘messing’ Sully up. But if he thinks that living in a SMALL room WITH Tori and him will FIX things; THINK AGAIN!!!

Now, me and Ken… All I can say is ‘hopeless’. That’s how I feel. My feelings have so DRASTICALLY changed and I feel trapped. WHO in their RIGHT MIND would just continue to STAY somewhere after they’ve been told REPEATEDLY to just LEAVE??? I’ve told him how my feelings have changed… I actually ‘choke’ on the ‘love you’s’. I don’t want to play the ‘I love you’ game… When you love someone, you treat them the way I treat people; NOT the way KEN treats people; but I’m just supposed to KEEP on ‘swallowing’ my feelings, emotions AND HIS bull shit. CAN’T and don’t WANT to do it. But I’m apparently SUPPOSED to because it’s what HE wants and HE wants ME; so that’s what’s happening… And I CAN’T escape. The thing that KILLS me is THIS is MY HOME!!! I WORK TO SUPPORT IT and I PAY to support the REST!!!! PLUS, BUST MY ASS around here ‘taking care of business’ AND cleaning up AFTER everyone… But I have NO say in WHO lives here, HOW clean it is, WHAT goes on here… JUST WOW. So, I either HAVE to call the Police or Sarah and Tyson like I DON’T want to do to get him out BECAUSE of the HUGE scene it causes… Or I just have to MOVE OUT myself. I REALLY, TRULY HATE this ‘JOKE’ labeled a ‘life’ I’ve been damned to. As much of a ‘people person’ as I am, I really don’t want to live my life alone, etc… I’m truly feeling it’s my best option. NO ONE in my life has EVER cared enough about ME. I’VE always been ‘the care taker’; well, NOW I need some ‘care taking’. I’VE always been ‘the provider’; well, NOW I need some providing FOR. I’VE always DONE IT ALL. Well, NOW I need HELP; and IF I’m just gonna DO IT ALL by myself… I’m only gonna HAVE myself to take CARE of. If no one wants to ‘allow’ me to talk, then I’ll just continue to talk to YOU, My Blessed Mother. You’re the only one that ever really understood me anyway… Because I’m LIKE you; and we’re ‘different’. When you told me as a young child I was gonna have a VERY hard life, that MAY have been an understatement. Haha

There’s just SO much I’m tired of, I could sit here and WRITE on, and on, and on. I’ve been going through paperwork; business and personal. I’ve come across letters and things I’ve written TO Ken; they say the same things over and over. Things I’m tired of, not gonna put up with anymore, etc. It just goes to show that he DOESN’T really change. He PROMISES he will so he can come BACK; but I ALWAYS write about his ‘empty promises’. How he doesn’t allow me to talk… Another thing that REALLY bothers me, other than the name calling and throwing and breaking things when he gets angry; he ALWAYS ‘negates’ me in ANY situation, AND he’ll even PUT me into a situation that I’m NOT even in. I’ll elaborate… For instance, just early this morning in bed, I asked him to move over because I was LITERALLY on the edge of the bed. He can NOT ACCEPT that HE has ME pushed to the edge of the bed and JUST move. HE has to make it so that it’s the way WE’RE BOTH laying; THAT’S what he said. So, I said, “NO. I’M LITERALLY at the edge; look or feel. I have NO WHERE to go and I’M not even curled up.” He HAD to move; DID so to the EXTREME (as ALWAYS in ANYTHING he does, especially when proven WRONG) and moved ALL the way up against the wall. Another example… Just yesterday, I saw something on TV and it just made me think. It was Matt LeBlanc (“Joey” on ‘Friends’); he has a new show coming on and I said I wanted to actually see it, started saying a couple of things… I said that I heard he was actually REALLY intelligent in real life; he plays a GOOD Moron on ‘Friends’ and is REALLY FUNNY! Haha I continued on saying that the more you think about it, it’s actually funny to think that there are actually people LIKE that; they’re not mentally retarded, don’t have emotional disorders or anything… They really ARE just kinda moronic and it’s funny. Haha He got ‘toney’ and looked at me and said, “Yeah. YOU could’ve been like that. Not EVERYBODY…” Blah, blah, blah. I was just flabbergasted. Ummmm… I know? Did I say ANYTHING about YOU being like that??? I can say something about HOW I think something happened, or went down… “NO, THAT’S not what happened. YOU don’t know what you’re talking about” or “YOU don’t know EVERYTHING”. Yeah, I know; but I DO know a LOT… And I DO read people WELL; BETTER than YOU. I’ve read YOU rather ACCURATELY, which we ALL know has driven YOU crazy; the fact that I AM ‘RIGHT’ about SO MUCH. So… The question STILL remains… WHY the HELL do you FIGHT me to STAY when there’s OBVIOUSLY SO MUCH ABOUT me YOU CAN’T STAND??? Did you burn THAT many bridges? Because I’m sorry… As ‘nice’ as I am, I am NOT going to take care of you for the rest of your life OR mine. I NEED to take care of ME; SOMEBODY has to. So, PLEASE… FIND a way to take care of YOU.

You can ‘say’ you ‘love’ me… But ACTIONS speak LOUDER than words; and YOURS have been LOUD and CLEAR on both counts. I don’t think you hate me; but LOVE? I’m ‘convenient’. I’m a GOOD woman… Certainly better than you’ve had. IF you ‘love’ me, then I guess you’d best get on the ball because MY intentions from here on out are NOT with you. I’m going to live for ME; get things done for ME. Head toward MY future; ALONE. You INSIST on being here? Stay out of my way, please and DO YOUR PART because I’m NOT doing it FOR you. I should sit down and type up a list in BLACK and WHITE of my expectations in ORDER to live here. Everything BETTER be NEAT and CLEAN, EVERY NIGHT before bed; laundry done, help with household chores, etc… Or GET OUT! Yeah… I just might do that.

OK, Mom, I guess that’s it for now. I’ll try to get in here more often, but I do still have a lot on my plate. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Hi, Mom… I know; I’m up at an ungodly hour on top of all that I have going on. Apparently WHY I can’t sleep. Mom, I’m SO tired of all of this. SO tired of my SO called ‘life’. What’s in it for ME??? What in it is ABOUT ME??? MY life is ALL about EVERYONE else. NO ONE stops to even THINK about ME because I’VE ALWAYS been the ‘Go To’ person for everyone my entire life. For quite some time now, I’ve been SO obviously depressed, worn out and even literally physically pained to the point of NOT taking care of myself. Not showering on a daily basis as I ALWAYS have; not caring about my appearance as I ALWAYS have; just all in all, I haven’t been myself. Ken’s treatment of me certainly isn’t what it should be; just more of the same ‘empty promises’. Just another thing I’m tired of… The constant ‘Roller Coaster’ ride with Ken. What’s really different? I’m getting treated the same, stress levels are the same, his behaviors are the same… You don’t have to cheat to be an ‘Abuser’ or ‘a waste of time’ just simply because you’re… Well, a miserable prick. Ken’s put me through a LOT over the last 3 years… Lying, cheating, sneaking around, lived with other women… And there are things I just know he’s capable of.

For instance… I think Ken would rather keep me a ‘dependent’ woman rather than have me be the independent woman I was when he met me. Me not having my license; he likes that. It keeps me somewhat dependent on him. He really doesn’t want me to get my license back. He’d never SAY that to me; but it’s what he FEELS. And I’m sorry… I so honestly feel the day of my court… Day I drove him back from his eye appointment when I got stopped for driving without a license BECAUSE he yelled and startled me, which made me stomp on the brake when we BOTH KNEW the cop was RIGHT BEHIND ME… I had PLENTY of time to go; and he yelled and startled me, which got me pulled over RIGHT around the corner from here. Thank GOD I didn’t get arrested or anything; but I now have a $310 FINE to pay; thank you. A SLAM on MY license I DIDN’T need… Because of YOU. I’m sorry, but it’s been eating at me SINCE because I can’t shake it. It certainly wouldn’t be the first ‘dirty deed’ he’s done me, would it?

I don’t know, Mom… I love him, but… He does SO MANY things that just PISS ME OFF!!! I don’t know if I can live with him for the rest of my life because I can’t trust him, just for ONE. He’s SO NEGATIVE, for two… Narrow minded, three… I have to FIGHT with him to do most things, four… He starts things, but then doesn’t finish them a LOT, five… He lays even HIS responsibility on ME; but because I can’t do it FOR him, it’s suddenly NOT ‘important’ and he’s not gonna do it, six… He can walk or make a trip for something ‘needless’; like for something he should just call. But he CAN’T walk or make a trip for something that NEEDS to get done; like a paper he NEEDS Notarized because it’s “Just a signature”, so we miss the deadline... The list goes ON and ON and ON. He doesn’t let me talk and THAT BOTHERS ME TO NO END!!! I have a RIGHT to my feelings and emotions, and I ALSO have a right to express them. I have had a lifetime of LISTENING to others; I’d LOVE to have the same courtesy. Even just normal conversation, Mom… We were shopping one night, just picking up a few things. We were looking specifically for something fast for dinner, and we were looking at pizzas. I wanted to say ONE thing and he wouldn’t even let me… I started to talk, and AS USUAL, he cut me off; so I tried again. I TRIED to say, “No…” And say what I WANTED to say; but he just KEPT talking over me, saying that he KNEW what I was gonna say. So I said, “OK. What am I gonna say then?” HE made it ALL about HIM… As usual. But no. What I wanted to say, in fact, was that it figured the ONLY Hawaiian pizza they had was a thin, crispy crust and I like bready crust; NONE of what HE was saying to me of what I SUPPOSEDLY wanted to say but NEVER GOT to. I ended up just walking away to shop elsewhere in the store and we NEVER GOT pizza. Granted, that there ARE a lot of times we know what each other is going to say, or even SAY things at the same time. But it doesn’t mean that we know EVERYTHING that each other is going to say ALL the time. I’m SO tired of his “Yeah, I’m an asshole, but ya gotta love me” attitude; because you know what? I DON’T gotta love you!!! Even though I do… You’re KILLING IT!!! So just go ahead… KEEP being what you THINK is a ‘loveable asshole’. It will be the fast-track to OUR ‘Neverland’; KEY word being ‘Never’, as in ‘Never again’.

I just need to get going on the things I need to around here so that I can get OUT of here… One way or another. Because one way or another, I’M leaving. I may just be leaving here on my own… To where? I don’t know yet; TBD. I’ll have to figure out all those details the closer I get to leaving. All I know, Mom is that when I sink as low as I have; as depressed as I am… Things REALLY need to change; but HOW do I GET them to??? I’m SO not in control of my OWN life. When Ken acts the way he does, telling him ANYTHING, including to leave does NO good. How he puts it is pretty much perfect: he’s like a ‘bad penny’; I’ll never be rid of him he says. All I can say is, it’s not good when you love AND hate the one you’re with as often as I do Ken; but HE provokes my hatred towards him. I don’t ‘feel’ things for nothing.

I have ALWAYS ‘owned up’ to my faults, insecurities; to the fact that I’m ‘broken’. But I WON’T let anyone take AWAY from me ALL that I HAVE accomplished and/or DO. I AM a strong woman and HAVE my wits, senses and ‘cookies’ about me. I’m VERY well put together, ESPECIALLY for all I’ve been through. I’m tired of being so easily ‘dismissed’, taken for granted, used and abused, pushed aside, talked over, etc, etc, ETC. I’m also tired of BEING ‘The Care Taker’. How about BEING taken care of FOR A CHANGE??? When’s Wylene’s turn??? I know; when I’m with YOU, my Blessed Mother… Can I come NOW, Please???!!! I’m exhausted and just simply tired of THIS life. Am I ungrateful for what I HAVE? No… But OTHERS seem to be for what THEY have IN ME; and I’m just tired of it all. If I actually sat down and made a LIST… WROTE DOWN all that’s currently on my plate; the LIST of things that I have to DO, even just in a DAY. When I don’t feel well… SO sick that I JUST can’t do anything… The apartment gets SO out of hand because I’M not cleaning it; because EVERY time I get up, even just to go to the bathroom… I’m CLEANING SOMETHING!!! Or washing dishes; SOMETHING. Ken helps out more THIS time; I’ll give him that. But I get the ‘attitude’ that comes along WITH it. The ‘Anger Issues’; throwing things… I get ‘punished’ because he ‘helped’ do laundry. I guess even though HE lives here, too; eats, wears clothes, ‘dirties’ the apartment through normal wear & tear (plus), sleeps here, etc… I should be the ONLY one that cooks, does the dishes, vacuums, washes floors, cleans the bathroom, cleans the bedroom CONSTANTLY, trips UP and DOWN to and from the basement to do laundry… Wash, dry, fold AND put it ALL away for THREE people… Do EVERYONE’S Welfare and Social Security paperwork ALL the time, as well as anything else that comes up… Take care of Sully ALL day, which is a job in itself… Be the MAIN support monetarily because all he brings in and HAS been for quite some time in our relationship is a VERY MINIMAL amount of money; usually sporadic small amounts… I carry the ‘financial worry’ around on my shoulders all the time because no matter what, I’m the one everyone looks to, to ‘make things happen’ or WONDER WHY we have or don’t have… AND I run this building dealing with everyone IN it, to include DOING things for the people here; THEIR welfare and social security, legal issues, medical issues, domestic issues, drug issues, etc, etc, etc. I’m one person. WHEN do I have time for MYSELF??? And this is just a ‘modest list’. Wanna KNOW why I’ve been looking like shit lately? Gee, I wonder… I’m almost 50 and my life should be settling down. It should BE somewhat settled already in my opinion because my boys are all grown.

Blessed Mothers, PLEASE help me… I’m desperate to get out of the situations I’m in. I feel so trapped… Josh needs to get on HIS feet for himself and his son; then I’ll be more free to move about in MY life. I shouldn’t be the one trying to get Sully settled and in school; Josh should be. I DID all this already… Will I do it for my grandson? Of course… I love him. In all honesty, Mom… I’m not sure how to describe my feelings about my situation other than ‘DOWN RIGHT MISERABLE’. I don’t want to say that I ‘resent’ it, because I’m not sure it’s true. I’d do anything for my family; no matter how self-sacrificial. I think I’ve proven that over the years… But I did NOT and DO not want to be raising anymore kids at this point in my life; it’s REALLY hard on me. My life is on hold… It’s ‘damaging’ Sully emotionally…

I’m so tired… Of fighting. Just everything. None of this can end soon enough for me… That’s all I can say I guess, Mom. Please help me, Mom. Help me make good decisions of what to do from here… With everything. Help me get my life on the track I NEED it to be on… PLEASE. I need some relief; emotional AND physical. I’m in all around agony, Mom…

OK, I’ll end here. I’m sorry it’s been so long, Mom. I’ll try to do better; just things haven’t been good around here, and it’s hard for me to get in here to be ALONE. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day… <3

Hi, Mom... It's been a shamefully long time since I've been able to write; but a lot has been going on... And you KNOW how many times I've wanted to just sit and write you. Time... TIME is something I JUST don't have for MYSELF; but to get out of HERE, couldn't be SOON enough. I am SO DONE with everyone and everything... Putting my ALL into everything I do, every day; but my feelings, emotions, needs, desires, what I have to say, think or perceive... Just ANYTHING; doesn't matter. Why do I even bother to EXIST? Oh, that's right... For what THEY need me for. Work, work and MORE WORK... EVERY DAY. It's endless. For EVERYONE. Whatever... I supposedly 'asked for it'. I don't ever remember hearing the words come out of my mouth, "HEY, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!! Bring ALL your problems and any OTHER issues to ME and I'LL deal with it for you." But anyway...

I gotta go for now. I just wanted to let you know that I AM still here.
I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well. He did it. He told her yesterday and broke it off... He'll be home Monday evening. Believe it or not... SHE'S gonna drive him back even knowing he's coming back to me. He sent me the text he sent her AND her response to prove it... And, just to confirm... I asked someone to check Facebook and it was done. He is now 'Single'; so is she, except she still has the pics of them up. Oh well... I wouldn't normally DO that and haven't, but... I'm tired of having these couple of guys that WANT me, shoving it in my FACE just because they know who Ken is. NOT anymore... And when he returns... Who'll be shoving WHAT in WHO'S face? Well... I won't do THAT, but... HUGE moves are being made and for what? LOVE. We GENUINELY LOVE each other... I know we have a very 'tainted' history; but I also know there are REASONS for it. If we could eliminate at least some of those reasons; perhaps we'd have a chance this time. We never even had so much as a disagreement until I got down here... Once down here, all the shit started hitting the fan. I'm not saying that I didn't have 'suspicions' of things prior; I did. I don't know if Ken was cheating on me or not... He was probably at least 'messaging' other women at the time. Some habits DON'T 'just appear'; especially at his age. But with ALL we've been through... IF he hasn't learned by NOW that I'M the one that HE loves, WANTS to BE with and ISN'T happy when he's NOT with me... Then he's a BIGGER fool than even I thought. We're just about 3 YEARS into this now... The cards have said ALL along that our relationship was a 'learning experience' for BOTH of us. Well... THAT has certainly proven to be true. Lol But THIS LAST reading I did showed that 'The King of Cups' was ready to BECOME 'The King of Pentacles'; which is the King who is the Provider; responsible and capable for the ones he loves. 'The King of Cups' is the King who always has a 'sad love history' and some sad story... It's not that he's a 'bad' King; but when you WANT a King, you want 'The King of Pentacles'. He was determined and set out on the 'journey' toward 'the one he truly loves' (The Six of Swords, The Ace of Cups with The Empress); and it's a journey he considers 'all too easy' now. He knows who and what he wants now... The cards SHOWED him telling her and coming back to me; I just didn't know if he was going to wait until it was TIME to come back... Or do what he did. I'm glad he finally did it. It was the RIGHT thing to do and gave me MORE faith in us; and him. ALL the cards around us are HAPPY cards... GOOD cards; we have a chance. Of course, things can change... That's LIFE. NOTHING is perfect and I expect 'ups and downs'. I just ALSO expect that HE will do the RIGHT things this time... He needs to NOT make a fool of, especially ME this time, and do ALL the RIGHT things. Work WITH me to accomplish what we need to for OUR future together. HELP me accomplish what I need to in order to leave here; not just leave it up TO me to do the work myself. We need to secure income for HIM... And we need to get ON all of this as soon as he gets back because ALL of this stuff is going to take TIME to accomplish. If he's going to file for Social Security; approval will take TIME. Anyway... We have a LOT to do, and I'm SO excited!!! Rather than saying "2 more days", I'm saying "day after tomorrow". It sounds shorter. Lol 

Another reason I'm so glad he took care of this whole Candy situation is that I just know that if he didn't... He would've been 'with' her the rest of the time he was there. He would've 'lived as her boyfriend'; not thought anything of it. Broken up with her, probably once IN NH. If he didn't know how MUCH it upset me... He probably would've left things the way they were to make life easier on himself. But he knew it was really upsetting me... It would've caused further damage to US; and would've delayed our 'new beginning'. It probably 'bothers' him that I 'know' as much as I do... But I do; and I can't help it. I AM 'who' and 'what' I am... And I don't ask or expect him to understand it; just accept me... And LOVE me for ME. I've been NOTHING but good TO him and FOR him... So, I don't really understand why he wouldn't. His choice... But supposedly, he's choosing TO love and accept me; I hope. Lol He says he doesn't want to live without me; he's miserable... Yeah, well... You've been miserable EVERY time you've been without me. How many times does it take to LEARN? Lol How many OTHER woman do you NEED to sleep with to find out that you will NOT have with them what you have with ME...? It's GOTTA be 'A Guy Thing'... Granted, there are SOME women like that too; but the MAJORITY are MEN. I just don't want to be let down this time... But IF I am; I WILL be gone... For good. I will travel on my own or whatever; but it will BE on my OWN. A person can only be let down and take so much disappointment from ONE person... This will be where the line is drawn. It was already drawn after he left here and went to PA for another woman that he HAD been messaging and talking to WHILE with me... So, he needs to realize that THIS is IT; END of the LINE. I did a LOT of cards... Saw a LOT of things, and did a LOT of thinking before I came to this. If THIS fails... Nothing is GOING to work because HE won't LET it.

We already know that there's pretty much NO ONE in our favor... So the reactions we'll get will be NOT so good. Oh well... They're OUR lives, and we WANT to live them TOGETHER. Therefore, we're willing to take the steps to DO so... If others don't understand that; I guess, we're sorry for them. We NEED to see if we can make this work... For OURSELVES. If no one can understand that; then again, I guess, we're sorry. I truly didn't think I'd find myself here after everything... But after everything I SAW in the cards... I AM here. I gave it a LOT of thought. I've also already told him what the deal IS this time; and I AM different now. If he doesn't follow through... I'm gone. If he doesn't help support; I'm gone. If he treats me badly; I'm gone. If he cheats; I'm GONE. If I find out that he IS doing ANY of his 'old habits'... I'M GONE; FOR GOOD. 'Playing' on the internet, messaging other women, FLIRTING with other women around, LYING to me, calling me names, breaking my things, CHEATING on me... ANY of the 'old habits', I'M HISTORY. He's either gonna BE, ALL the MAN he can be... Or I'm gone. This will be the last time he will have a chance to MAKE a 'fool' of me... Never again.

OK, Mom... Josh and Tori are actually gonna come get Sully so I need to go get him ready. PLEASE let everything go RIGHT for me and Ken this time... Don't let ANYTHING get in our way. Let him have a SAFE and pleasant trip home; as much as possible with an ex. Well... Not AS pleasant as possible. Lol YOU know what I mean... Lol I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Wow. I didn't get up until 6:15 this morning... And OMG it's only 7:15 right NOW and my phone is RINGING!!! KISS MINE... I'm TELLING you, Mom... This job is OUT of control; I'm SO DONE. These LOW LIFES can take ONE last look at my BUTT... As I'm WALKING OUT THE DOOR. As for the remainder of my time here... They were SO happy with me and ALL that I accomplished here, and HOW I 'ran' things. Well... That has ALL apparently 'changed' since the whole 'Josh and Tori' fiasco. It turned into that I 'choose' to run things the way I do, and that everyone ELSE just collects the rent and says 'bye'. So GOOD... That's EXACTLY what I'M going to do from THIS point on. Collect rent, and SEE YA!!! I'll answer the phone... During BUSINESS HOURS. I'll answer the door... During BUSINESS HOURS. I'll do business and rent rooms and/or apartments... During BUSINESS HOURS. Other than THAT... NOPE!!! I have a LOT of OTHER stuff on my plate I need to get accomplished. I all of a sudden have to at least consolidate my stuff in the basement into ONE cage IMMEDIATELY. Then, from there, it ALL has to be GONE; ASAP. So, I don't have time for ANY 'Extras' anyway. Not for Sarah or ANYONE. I never thought I'd see the day, Mom... That I would HATE this SO much... And even some of the people. I'm so sick of the ignorance; people thinking that I'm 'stupid' and that they can come here and 'pull one over' on me. Even Josh was telling me last night about the stuff he's HEARD first hand since he's been hanging out here with Tori; because she knows people, hangs out WITH 'the junkies'... She got to hear a LOT of things that people were saying about me and Josh was RIGHT there; them NOT knowing HE was MY son. LMAO TOO funny... He said he didn't want to tell me all this time, because even HE was under the 'impression' that EVERYBODY just LOVED me because of what I've done here and so on. I told him, "Not everybody; not the junkies". Lol THEY STILL think they can come here and 'fool' me... But they DON'T; and I KNOW that THEY HATE me. Lol He was relieved... Lol What THEY want to do is turn this place into what it WAS; and they HATE what I do here. Josh said "FACT!!!" That was EXACTLY IT!!! They WANT this place to BE a CRACK/DRUG HOUSE and a haven for prostitutes... I know. Lol Not while I'M here, though. SOME get through and manage to even stay for a while... Like RIGHT NOW in Rm #222; smoking crack and a prostitute. He's under eviction AND I'm gonna call his PO. Lol I can do that... And WILL. I'm NOT stupid... FAR from. I know things that, somehow... People don't KNOW how I know. GOOD. It's called 'INTUITION' and I HAVE IT. I have GOOD intuition... I READ people... WELL. I sense things; even from a distance. I AM my Mother's Daughter... ;-)

So... Ken and I have been talking now since what... Sunday? He's planning on coming home to be WITH me... STILL hasn't told HER. I told him last night I feel she won't know anything until it's TIME for him to come home... So... He lives with her AS her 'boyfriend' the entire time he's there; talking with ME, telling me he 'loves' me and is coming home to me to start a 'new beginning'. The 'new beginning', IF he were serious, should have already begun... IF he truly 'loved' me. You really think a BB Gun would've stopped ME from being honest? I didn't think so... So... IF he's able to come home after his appointment on the 20th, I guess that's when she'll find out he's no longer her 'boyfriend'. But if he's NOT... I guess this will go on, and on, and on... Up until as far as July 2nd when he originally planned on coming home...? So... I guess it will take longer for he and I to PUT 'he and I' back together again. How can we? Would YOU be able to after being shown this? Someone 'telling' you they love you, but not 'showing' you with their actions. Actions speak louder than words... Staying with someone ELSE while telling YOU they want YOU speaks volumes; sorry. Even under the circumstances... I love him and want this to work; but we already HAVE so much work to do to GET things going. Why cause more 'damage'? I know he wants me to 'trust' and 'have faith' in him... How? Our history... How? He needs to earn that; and he's not off to a very good start... We've done well this week, talking and keeping things on a 'good level'. I don't want to fight about this whole Candy thing. I just want him to take it upon himself and DO the right thing... Which he, apparently isn't. So, what do I always say? C'est lavie... I can't and won't 'make' someone do something. If he's not willing to 'just do it' FOR us... So be it. The damage is and will be done. I JUST want this OVER... ALL of it; then OUT of here. The sooner, the better.

When Ken gets home, we have to start working immediately on income for him so that we CAN get going on getting OUT of here. I don't know if he's gonna file for Social Security, or what his plan is. For what OUR plan is, that might be the best thing. I don't know how we can travel with him working. He might be able to do 'odd jobs' on the road for extra money. Lord knows, Ken's capable of 'selling' himself; one of the things I love AND can't stand about him... Because he uses it for 'bad' things sometimes. That's when it pisses me off... When he uses it to benefit us in a POSITIVE way; GOOD. But otherwise, keep that to yourself. Lol We're gonna need money to BUY what we need to go, as well as travel. I want something decent so that it's not breaking down on us all the time. I want it looked at by Ken Lee before we go... I want anything DONE to it that it needs before we go... We're gonna need a tow dolly for my truck; THAT'S definitely coming. Lol I want a REGULAR vehicle to drive for regular driving. When we're 'parked' somewhere, we want to go somewhere; we have the truck. We have things to accomplish before we go... I don't care if we get the RV, park that somewhere for a while; live in it together for a while to GET things accomplished, just so that I can GET OUT of here... We could park at a camp ground for a while or something; get stuff accomplished, then move on from there. It would be a fairly cheap way to live WHILE we're doing stuff. I've BEEN thinking... Even before he contacted me... Of these things; BECAUSE I want OUT. But if he wants it with me... He'll have to work WITH me ON it. I'm not doing the 'work' by myself. That includes with the monetary part of it... Two people cost more. I'm done supporting other people and being broke all the time... I'M either gonna get some help through this life, or go through it alone; it's easier. Lonely, but easier.

Well... I wonder if Sarah 'got wind' that I was planning on leaving or something...? I just got a nice text from her telling me that even though today is Friday, my busiest day... She hopes that I can get outside to enjoy the beautiful weather; and that she appreciates ALL that I do around here. She knows she doesn't tell me enough, but that she does... Hmmmm... I wrote back, "Wow. Thank you." She continued on about Blayze and how well HE'S doing; Josh, and she knows it's probably just a phase... Sully is lucky to have me and is ALWAYS welcome here; she hopes I'm happier in my apartment now... Just WOW!!! Lol So, I asked her if she and Tyson were happy with David, and she said that they DEFINITELY were. GREAT!!! I KEPT telling them that they WOULD be. He wasn't someone that I JUST met; he's someone that I could ACTUALLY VOUCH for. I've known him for 34 YEARS of my life. He actually helped me raise my boys for some years; we LIVED together for years... He's my BROTHER, for God sakes. Not biologically, but does that matter? That's how we FEEL... I KNOW this man; he's NO stranger. So... Perhaps SOME things will go back 'to normal'. That would be nice... I didn't like that our relationship had gotten 'strained'. I adore and respect Sarah... I HATE that she felt she couldn't trust me when I'm DEFINITELY one of the MOST trustworthy people walking this earth. I get PUT into PREDICAMENTS; and THAT'S not fair. I DON'T lie, cheat or steal... I've been FORCED to 'lie' FOR people; like when David didn't want certain people to know he was IN jail... I HATE that. People DOING things WITHOUT MY knowledge, then I get reprimanded for THEIR actions after the fact. It ALL bothers me... But what can I say??? I tell them what really happens, but it doesn't matter; it's STILL my fault somehow. I'm held responsible... Because I'M the 'Manager' or the 'Mother'. Typical... Just something in life I'm tired of; being held responsible for OTHER people's actions, AND cleaning up OTHER people's MESSES and MISTAKES. I've been doing it my ENTIRE life... Time for a change. I'm too old for this crap...

Well, it's almost 10:00, and I haven't heard from Ken yet. I'm gonna go get ready for my day. I love and miss you EVERY DAY, Mom. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Man, I put a different chair in here, and it's gonna take some getting used to. Lol It's Just a regular chair; not an office chair. No wheels or 'back tip'... Just a wooden chair. I'm TIRED of EVERY time I come in here... I get EATEN ALIVE; and I KNOW it's the chair. I took the chair out of here last night, and it's FINE now. No more itchies and no more red marks showing up ALL OVER me. I'm SICK of it... I've had Rick treat my office the last few months, but still... It keeps happening REGARDLESS. It's something about that CHAIR. So GONE. But I still need a different chair... This is NOT gonna cut it. Unless I do what I'm always yelling at the boys for doing; 'tipping' in the chairs while I'm writing to you. Lol And I don't know how long I can hold THAT up, AND it's not good for the chair. Lol 

Mom... I love Ken and I am SO happy that he says he wants to and plans to come home. But this whole situation with Candy down there... Is pretty much... I don't know... Bull shit. I hate to say it, but... If it were ME and I were handling it with HIM... I would be handling it APPROPRIATELY, I guess. Nobody likes to be 'uncomfortable' or 'hurt' anyone's feelings; I get that. Nobody likes to put themselves in 'predicaments' that are difficult. Perhaps he shouldn't have 'jumped the gun' in the first place... Hind sight is 20/20... But if he TRULY 'LOVES' ME and wants to make THIS work with ME... I feel he needs to PROVE it; and holding onto HER is certainly NOT doing THAT; BB gun or NO BB gun. He claims he's not afraid; but he 'claims' a LOT of things, doesn't he? He 'claims' FIRST that he LOVES me and WANTS ALL of this WITH me. He 'claims' he WANTS to come home as SOON as possible. He 'claims' he's NOT 'really with her'; and he's sleeping on the couch. He 'claims, claims, claims'... Well, I want TRUTH and PROOF; sorry. He HASN'T TOLD her anything... He HASN'T BROKEN it OFF with her... He's STILL playing 'boyfriend' TO her... Which means their 'status' is STILL 'In a Relationship' WITH each other... Which means he's STILL HER'S and NOT MINE. I'm just 'The OTHER WOMAN' he's TEXTING while WITH her right now; something I'm NOT 'cool' with BEING... And he KNOWS it. I'm going to continue with my plans for leaving here because it's what I want, and I'm already working on it. I can't STAND it here anymore. If I could leave today, I would. IF it were possible to just grab ALL of my stuff and just pack up and go... I WOULD; for REAL... And NOT look back. Of course, I'd have memories and talk about it... But I would NOT have regret ABOUT leaving. I'm SICK of BEING here and the whole deal.

I've actually made some decisions... I AM going to start doing things a LITTLE differently around here. I've already started with my office hours; I don't answer the door OR phone before OR after my office hours; unless I CHOOSE to or it's PERSONAL. I'm 'canning' the Drug Contract... WHY BOTHER anymore??? They don't care... Why should I??? I put in a LOT of HOURS with people; hunting down drug usage, counseling people on drugs, etc. I'm done. From here on out... I'm gonna do this job the WAY I was 'brought in' to DO it... I'm here to 'collect rent' and 'show new rentals'. I've ALREADY developed them SO MANY tools and templates to use that make this place run like a BUSINESS; when I leave, they're ALL SET. Letter head, letter templates for ALL needs, fax template, updated Registration Form, Job Checklist, Room/Apt Clean Checklist, Mailbox List, The No Rent List, etc, etc, etc... They have anything they need for WHATEVER they need; just pull it up out of one of the LABELED folders. I set up the FILING system; they didn't HAVE one. Stuff was just shoved in a drawer in a mess of a pile. Wanna look up a past resident; they're in Alphabetical order now. Imagine THAT... With notes ABOUT that resident. But I'm SO TIRED of the 'little digs' I've been getting lately, since the whole ordeal with Josh and Tori. Like yesterday... Sarah said something to me about the paper towels. She said that she's "never said anything about [me] using them for [my] personal use; but it is what it is..." Ummmmm... EXCUSE ME??? The paper towels that I DO use for my PERSONAL USE, LAST me for MONTHS!!! The one in the hallway near the sink lasts a GOOD 4-5 MONTHS... The one in the bathroom, the same. For ALL the EXTRA WORK I put in around here, in my TIME OFF, the things I've done that I DIDN'T have to do... I didn't THINK it was such a BIG deal. But THAT'S fine; because I'm DONE DOING IT. Good luck to them once I LEAVE. I can only imagine what will happen once I DO. MANY people have told me THEY are leaving once I do because THEY are afraid of what will happen and of WHO will replace me. They are aware that I am what MAKES 'Edmond Terrace' WHAT it IS. Too bad my so called 'employers' aren't so 'aware' anymore... I thought, at one time, that they were. Perhaps, once I leave... They WILL be.

I wish I could get out SOONER, rather than LATER. I'm more sick of this than I am anything. I want out SO bad, I can taste it. When I get angry just because the bell rings... There's a problem. I REALLY don't want to do this anymore. YES, there are THINGS about it that 'bother' me a LITTLE bit about leaving... But LEAVING is what I want MORE. I'm DONE with all the BS of it; with Sarah, as WELL as the Residents, the 'Drama and Chaos', AND the rumors of what I SUPPOSEDLY said that I REALLY didn't. The stuff that sometimes gets back to me... OMG. I'm gonna start giving RANDOM Drug Screens... Lol Yeah. OK!!! I can AFFORD to DO that!!! Lol Ridiculous... If you fail, I throw you out. That's what happens if you ARE on a contract, and I'm DONE working with you. Lol But NOW... I'm DONE with the CONTRACTS. I'm DONE dealing with doing things the way I WAS... Because I'm UNAPPRECIATED. So SCREW IT!!! I'll just go on with MY life... But I SURE wish I could do it NOW. I want OUT, Mom... WHY does everything always take SO DAMN LONG??? Chad told me he's seen a bunch of RVs for sale around. I've gotta come up with some money... But I've gotta get through all my stuff first, too. Sully has to get settled with Josh and Tori, hopefully in June. Then I'll get David to help me get through my stuff; get Josh's stuff out of there... Start looking for one. Hopefully find a cheap enough one... And hopefully, Ken won't let me down. He'll get an income so that he can help me DO this... And we can do it TOGETHER. But the FIRST thing he needs to deal with is down there. If he doesn't deal with it... That alone lets me down. It speaks volumes in itself; and isn't a good beginning to OUR 'new beginning'.

OK, Mom... I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I have work to catch up on, but I figured I'd take this quiet time to write to you for a moment... Get a little something off my chest, since I just don't have anyone to talk to. I have to be careful what I say to Ken, because I DO want things to work... But does he realize that the longer he waits to end things with HER... The more he's just showing ME that he hasn't changed? And it just makes me lose faith... I did the cards; he IS gonna tell her, leave and come home to me because he loves ME. But the question is WHEN??? He didn't TELL me he found the BB gun... I had to ASK if he did. Then I said, "So now you can talk to her..." And he said, "Yes". Why did I have to ASK? Supposedly, THAT was the holdup, RIGHT??? So, if he found it; why didn't he TELL me that he did... Then say that NOW he could talk to HER, and END their 'Relationship'...??? GOOD question, I think... And I can tell he gets 'irritated' anytime it gets brought up. WHY? If the SHOES were on the OTHER FEET... HE would NOT want ME 'SHACKED UP' with some OTHER GUY. PERIOD. END of story. FACT is... I NEVER have. PERIOD. EVER... Since we've been together. I wish HE could say the same...

I have ALREADY forgiven SO MUCH; and put SO MUCH behind us... For him to continue to push THIS... It's INSANE. I could and probably should just walk away; then what? We BOTH lose out... Because HE couldn't just 'be a man' and END what should have NEVER BEEN in the first place. But if he wants to consider he and I together... He better END it with HER; and FAST. SHE may have NO problems being 'The OTHER WOMAN'... But I DO; and that's how I'm feeling. Even though I know I'M the one that HE loves and should BE with. Has HISTORY with... I love him SO much; and that's why this can upset me so much. Just PLEASE let this END, Mom... I can't stand it anymore. On top of everything else... I just can't stand it.

OK, Mom, I'm gonna get to work. I love and Miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Sorry I didn't get in here to update you yesterday; but between it being a BUSY day, feeling worn out, having Sully all day because they didn't pick him up until almost 6:30 I think it was... Then brought him home just after 7:00 because he 'pooped' his pants; which was the RIGHT thing to do. Usually, they just deal with it... Nope. He NEEDS to learn; he's 'rebelling' and he had JUST gone TWICE before leaving. Anyway... Also, I DID hear from Ken and we were texting all day WHILE I was doing all of this. Lol I don't care... I want to be in contact with him while he's down there. This is hard, but if we can just make it through this little bit of time... He told me he wasn't with Candy; he really was with his friends. It made me feel better... I just hope he's being honest with me. I WANT to believe it, so I am. Lol It sounded true enough... But... He's done THAT to me before, too. Lol I WANT to put the past in the past, and I CAN for the most part... But as far as PROVING to me that he's going to be 'different' this time; that's still something that's going to have to happen. We've been through HELL and back; over, and over, and over... I don't want to go through it again. I want this to be the LAST time we ATTEMPT to make this work... And it just DOES. I hope he's REALLY learned this time... He REALLY ISN'T happy WITHOUT me; it's JUST a FACT. He really IS 'in love' with ME; it's JUST a FACT. I may not be the 'type' of woman he's 'gone' for throughout his life... But I'm the 'type' he fell in LOVE with; for REAL. He's TRIED, even while WITH me to find what he FEELS with me with other women... And CAN'T. So why keep looking? Lol WHY LOSE what makes you SO HAPPY, 'chasing stars'... When you've already found 'your Heaven'? People need to realize that a LOT of the time, we're responsible for making our OWN Hell... Then we create it for the ones we love. There are just certain morals and standards that are important to live by in ALL relationships... Friends and family included. You break those; it creates a 'Hell' for all those involved. Stay within the 'guidelines' of the PROPER morals and standards; things USUALLY will go relatively smoothly, with the usual 'bumps in the road'. Nothing and no one is perfect... There will always be SOMETHING that pops up along the way. You face those issues, head on TOGETHER; and everything will be OK. As long as you're always HONEST and FAITHFUL to one another... Everything will be OK; because you'll TRUST one another... Beyond ANY doubt; and I WANT that with Ken. I want to TRUST him. But he will have to EARN that; with his ACTIONS... Not just words. I want to be able to trust what I HEAR, as well as what I SEE; because in our history... There were issues with both.

He said he tried to talk to Candy last night, but she was taking a walk with the neighbor. He also said that he's been sleeping on the couch the last few nights... I hope all of that is true, too. I also hope he truly does intend to talk to her about the TRUTH of what's going on; she deserves to know. Whether he 'tells' me the truth or not, I'll know; just like I have all along... I'll 'see' it. But frankly... She was the one that was 'talking' with HIM while HE was with ME... Then he moved down there to her. So, do I have any issues with this? No. What did I say about Karma? I don't know what or if Ken has gotten any for his... I know their 'relationship' hasn't been 'peaches and cream'... I saw that in the cards. I'm sure it hasn't been all that maybe he expected, wanted; whatever. Especially for such a move. But... Can I say that I'm sorry? No. Lol Back when all this happened, ALL I was telling him was that I couldn't be with him at that MOMENT because of what was going on with Sully... I had to wait until the INSANE accusations that were made were cleared up; and they were. Michele was the main one pushing those... Josh was the one saying he didn't BELIEVE ANYTHING occurred. Anyway... I had to put my Sully as a priority; he's my grandson and we couldn't LOSE him. We were in the midst of a custody battle. It took a month to get him back... On my birthday of all days. BEST present I could've gotten. But I wasn't saying, "I don't love you and don't want to be with you". I was saying, "I can't RIGHT NOW because of the SITUATION." Then he said he was leaving... And he went to her in PA. I knew he had been 'conversing' with someone; I felt it. I didn't want to 'accept' it... I wanted to believe that things were different that time; but they really weren't. I'm not sure if it was because WE never had 'intimate' time together, and HE needed 'an outlet'...??? But his 'outlet' should be with HIMSELF; NOT online or involving ANYONE ELSE. He and I always discussed that. I KNEW that the lacking in OUR time was an issue... It bothered ME, TOO. I wanted 'alone time' with MY man; but locking my SON out of the room when he KNEW it was for sex, BOTHERED me. I kept my sex life AWAY from my children their ENTIRE LIVES; it doesn't matter that they're adults now. We TALKED openly... I believed in being 'honest' with my boys; about anything they wanted to talk about. I was their Mother and their ONLY 'example'. They would talk to me about, pretty much anything. But when it came to me HAVING sex... That was MY 'personal' life. Ken and I are both 'sexual' people; him more than me in the sense that he's 'a guy'. Lol He's not as 'choosy' as to WHO he sleeps with... Me... I am. I'll go YEARS without it, as well as stay SINGLE for years; not even date... Because I'm 'picky' about WHO I 'associate' with. But I think since Ken has been with me, and fallen 'in love' with me... He's learned the difference between 'sex' and 'making love'. I realize that 'learning' the difference between the two different lives he's lived has been difficult; he's been a 'ladies man' his whole life, pretty much. Now, to settle down to ONE woman??? Lol WHAT am I expecting him to DO??? Lol What's NORMAL; THAT'S what. Lol But I DO get that making such a 'change' in life takes time and is difficult... But I got QUITE hurt and 'damaged' throughout the process. So... THIS really NEEDS to be the FINAL STRAW DRAW. From here... I'm moving on with my LIFE. I want to buy an RV and travel; still be here for my family... See them, even meet up in Cali like Josh said. I want to GET GOING on MY LIFE. So... It's either going to be WITH him... Or not. But I'M going. I HOPE it's WITH him... It's what I WANT. We have things to figure out first... Like what HE'S gonna do for income; we can't live on MINE alone. He's gotta file for Social Security or something... And have it coming IN before we leave. We NEED TWO incomes before we head out on this endeavor; and we need to tie up some 'loose ends' here. Once everything is set... On the Road Again... Lol We can travel and see sights together... Explore OUR relationship the way we NEVER GOT TO... Of course, I'd like to have SOME opportunity to do SOME of that when he gets home, too. It's still gonna be difficult though; with our 'situation'. He can't live here, which means we won't be sleeping together a whole lot. He's gonna have to stay at his parents house or get a place of his own. We'll probably end up doing a lot of what we did before, just to be together... He'll be able to stay over here and there; but with Sarah and Tyson... It can't be much and certainly not every night. A few times a week maybe... It doesn't mean though, that we can't have 'private time'... David is my 'roommate' now; not my son. I have NO problem looking at my brother and saying, "Sorry... Get out!" Then locking the door. Lol He'll understand. Lol David's no 'virgin'... Lol David and I KNOW things about each other that NO ONE knows... We'll take to the GRAVE. Lol So, kicking him out to be alone with Ken for a while? Yeah...No. NO Problem!!! Lol Of course, Ken and I have things to work on before we get THERE... But we'll get there; we always do. We love each other... And once we have some of the 'wrinkles' ironed out; our 'love life' should be back to pretty AWESOME... As it was, usually; as long as he was JUST with me. I could tell when he wasn't, and THAT'S when things between us THERE 'weren't so hot'. Or when the 'guilt' of his actions overrode, and he COULDN'T 'enjoy' himself with ME... Those times were HORRIBLE for me. I don't want us to HAVE anymore of those times... WE LOVE each other; and I just PRAY that he's LEARNED enough over the course of this time to NOT REPEAT anymore of the MISTAKES he's made. If he hasn't... Then he never will; he will continue to be the kind of man he HAS been... And I will just have to move on. I know I've given him more than enough chances; but definitely enough TIME to learn from his 'mistakes' that he KEEPS repeating. Once is a 'mistake'; twice is just pure 'stupidity'. These 'mistakes' have occurred MORE than once or twice... THIS time HAS to be the LAST time... And it WILL be. I'm ADAMANT on that point; because FROM here, MY life begins. I'm leaving FROM here to begin MY 'new life'. I hope it's WITH him... And I hope he will be the man that DESERVES me.

Today is his 48th birthday... I SO wish he were here to celebrate it with ME. Instead, he's down THERE... With her. I don't know what he'll be doing; he said he has no plans. I find it hard to believe that SHE thinks they're still 'a couple', but has made NO plans for his birthday... But OK. She mustn't be THAT great of a woman OR 'girlfriend'. For Blayze's birthday, I had jack SHIT in the house for ANYTHING... I was on the internet, searching for a recipe for a CAKE I could make from SCRATCH with what I HAD in the house. I FOUND ONE!!! Lol And made it... Came out pretty GOOD, too!!! Lol I even altered the recipe a bit, so that I could make the WHITE cake, chocolate; then made peanut butter frosting. I DUG in my cabinets to DO it... But I DID it. Why? Because it was his BIRTHDAY. I would've done the same thing for Ken if he were here and I were in the same position. I didn't do it JUST because Blayze is my 'child'; he's an ADULT now and TOLD me I didn't need to make him a cake. YES I DID!!! It was his BIRTHDAY!!! I've been up since 5:00 again this morning, so I sent him a couple of Birthday texts to get up to. Lol He's trying to get money up so that he can come home after his doctor's appointment on the 20th of this month instead of the beginning of July. I SO hope he can... He said that Candy gets paid around then, and that SHE would be willing to drive him home. Maybe if he tells her they're no longer together, she'll just want him gone and drive him home. Lol THAT would be AWESOME. Lol Maybe that's not nice of me... But at this point, I don't care. NONE of what happened to ME was very 'nice' either; was it? I think I'm handling this ALL pretty 'nicely', in retrospect. I'm not some 'psycho-bitch', threatening her, or anything... I just want the man I love back; he was 'mine' in the first place. No one can 'steal' someone away from you that doesn't WANT to be 'taken'... However... I don't think Ken REALLY WANTED to leave as a whole; it was the situation at the TIME. But he NEEDS to stay OFF of the internet, and AWAY from 'temptation' of other women if he WANTS to STAY with ME. Otherwise... I'M HISTORY... For GOOD. I won't BE 'the other woman'; and I won't BE cheated on for the rest of my life. I'll stay ALONE for the RIGHT reasons instead. It might get lonely... But it's easier than all the OTHER BS. I just hope he follows through with EVERYTHING he's said to me... I hope he tells her today; for REAL. I hope he manages to get the money to come home after the 20th; even if SHE has to drive him... It would JUST be the BEST thing, rather than him HAVING to stay THERE. The more 'delays'; the more that COULD 'go wrong'.

You know, Mom... I REALLY can't WAIT to get OUT of here. I've been in my office since a little after 5:00. At 6:25 AM, one of my residents that I've served about having DOGS in their apartment, came and RANG MY BELL. Did I answer? NO. I'm SURE she's a LITTLE ticked off... Gee, like ME??? Because I served her a FINAL WARNING yesterday, stating that if the dogs weren't gone by LAST NIGHT, I would NOT be renewing their rent TODAY; and they would need to provide PROOF that they were GONE. Hey... When these people FIRST got here, I liked them. Since... NOT so much. This woman, I've given a LOT of help to with her father. I don't even charge RENT for HER; ONLY her father. Then, she brought her FRIEND AND SON into the apartment to live TOO. FOUR people in ONE apartment on a ONE person rent... Wasn't that NICE of you to take ADVANTAGE of me like that...??? THEN, you got TWO dogs when on the very FIRST line of the RULES, it states, "NO PETS allowed in the BUILDING." FIRST LINE... Not only is it in the REGISTRATION FORM you sign when you MOVE IN; it's HUNG ALL OVER the building in the 'Rules of Conduct'. FIRST LINE. She didn't get one dog; she got TWO. And you know she KNOWS she's breaking the rules, because they SNEAK to bring them outside, what LITTLE they do. HOW do you expect to HIDE a DOG in an apartment where they're NOT allowed??? Dogs BARK!!! And not just one, but TWO!!! Angel told me yesterday that the SMELL is HORRIBLE. He had to go into the hall and clean the carpet with deodorizer because the smell from their apartment is leaking INTO the hall. That means the dogs are RUINING the carpet and Sarah is going to have a FIT!!! She can't say I didn't do MY job... I served them TWICE; second one, FINAL WARNING of Non-Renewal as of TODAY if they're NOT gone with PROOF of them being gone. I'll GO look, too... Oh... AND my PHONE has been ringing OF THE HOOK and it wasn't even 7:00 AM. I OPEN at 8:00. WTH??? These people NEED to GET A CLUE!!! I don't answer the door OR the phone anymore when I'm NOT open. If I'm closed; CLOSED means CLOSED!!! Lol

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I gotta go take a shower while I still can. OH!! I almost forgot! My POOR little Poopy... PLEASE watch over Poquito... He has a boo-boo on his eye from blunt trauma from a branch. He got hit by one outside the other day. Mom called me last night. If they didn't catch it in time, he could've gone blind! :'(  He should be OK now... I love and miss him SO much and I haven't seen him in SO long because of everything going on. Blayze and I have been SO busy... Mom said she'll try to bring him over. But anyway... Please watch over Mom, Dad and POQUITO. Make sure my little Poopy heals OK. Please watch over Ken and help him accomplish all that he needs to in order to get home to me, so that WE can move on with OUR new life together. Keep him strong, Mom... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I know, it's early. Lol That's why I figured, I'd 'Light a Candle' instead of 'Lay a Flower' this morning. Lol I woke up a little before 4:00 to go to the bathroom... Then David was stirring; got up, turned on the kitchen light... That was the end of it. Lol I just got up. As usual, I have a lot on my plate today... And OMG, 'Humble and Kind' is playing. Lolololol I know I've gotten 'harder'... But, Mom; I'm telling you, and you MUST see... That I've HAD to. MY LIFE IS HELL. The way people try to walk all over me, TELL me HOW to do MY job... The WRONG way. Lol Tell me how 'unprofessional' I am... Lol Oh, yeah... THAT ONE KILLED ME!!! LMAO I'M unprofessional... OK. YOU want ME to call you, come find you, basically HUNT YOU DOWN because YOU didn't come pay YOUR rent... Play YOUR 'Mother' when THAT'S not MY 'JOB'. I DID MY 'Job'... I served you a 'lock out notice'; then when the day came, I locked you OUT. I'm sorry... But not really... That when you got home from the hospital, your door was NOT able to be unlocked with YOUR key because YOU didn't call OR PAY your rent BEFORE you went into the hospital. WAHHHHH!!! DON'T stand in front of ME telling ME how 'UNPROFESSIONAL' I AM and that I DIDN'T do MY job because YOU didn't LIKE the result of it. I did EXACTLY MY job, thank you very much. Then she sat in my office on the phone while I wrote her receipt... COMPLAINING to the person on the other end of the phone about what was going on and about ME. Just get the HELL out of my office because I DIDN'T even have to accept your RENT at that point, as I had ALREADY TOLD you. BITCH... I'm NOT your MOTHER, Guardian, Aunt, Sister, or even your FRIEND... I'm your LANDLORD. PAY YOUR RENT or I will THROW YOU OUT. PERIOD. Get confrontational with me, and you'll be THROWN out the door even FASTER... Probably HARDER. Lol Kidding... But SOMETIMES, I'd LIKE to revert back to some old time days... Lol BOUNCE a few people OUT the door. Lol See??? I NEED to get OUT of here... I'm not my 'sweet, adorable' self anymore. Lolololol

As for an update on me and Ken for now... We texted all day yesterday... Until he told me that he was going to, supposedly a 'friend's' house for dinner... Then he would text me when he got back. Even when he texted me, I felt he was gonna be with Candy; but I'm just trying to be 'cool' about the whole thing because there are basically 2-1/2 weeks left to this deal... He has to be down there. However... He DID TELL me that he's BEEN 'honest' with her ABOUT me. Do I believe it? Not necessarily totally... He's a 'talker'; he's told me a LOT of things he WANTED me to 'believe' from the get go. That's fine... I know that about him. I know a LOT of things about him, and I try to accept him for who and what he is; I only ask that he change the 'damaging' characteristics. However again... He IS trying to make things work with ME supposedly... And IF he is... Then things he's said to me he SHOULD follow through with. He SHOULD tell her we're talking and trying to work things out; and that he WILL be returning home TO me. They should also change their 'statuses' on Facebook; they shouldn't BE a 'couple' anymore... He shouldn't BE WITH her anymore; and that INCLUDES 'sleeping' with her anymore. He shouldn't be showing her 'affection' anymore... He wouldn't want ME up HERE doing it; and if HE'S gonna have 2-1/2 weeks of 'freedom' down THERE... Then that means I have it UP HERE. What's good for the GANDER, is good for the GOOSE. I won't be having sex... But I COULD DATE; WITHOUT a problem. I've already been asked... Just yesterday AND last night... 2 different men, and there's a third that WANTS to, but I avoid him. Lol Lord knows, there are others, too... But those are ALWAYS avoided. Lol  I don't want him playing games with me... But the thing is... I'M not playing. He's either gonna REALLY DO this; or NOT. One way or another... I'M out of here; and my plan has ALREADY started. I'm keeping on top of it... As far as HE goes; the rest is up to him from here on out. He either makes the right decisions... Or not. I WILL know...

Josh and Tori got a Truck!!! It's a red blazer... Looks a LOT like my Explorer. It's a '96... It was Michele's. It broke down on her last week and Tori was with her. SHE was smart enough to know that it would only take a $30 part to FIX it; and Michele's attitude was that SHE didn't want to deal with it... She gave it to Tori!!! YAY!!! Tori picked up the part and fixed it HERSELF!!! AWESOME!!! So now they have a RUNNING vehicle, and the plan is that NEXT month... They'll get an apartment, THEN Josh will get his license. I think my text DID get through to him... He HAS caused me and Blayze SO MUCH trouble and shame the last couple of months at the very least. He needs to get it together; for himself AND Sully. I think the 'tough love' Blayze and I have been using on him lately has worked... It's HAD to. He's had to fend for himself... He and Tori. We talked last night, and even HE'S for me leaving here; of course he always HAS been. Lol He's also for me TRAVELING... I told him my plan is to buy an RV and HIT THE ROAD in a little bit of time; within about a year. He said, "GOOD, MOM!!!" He told me to look on Craig's List... Lol I told him THAT was my plan... He and I saw one on there for $700 that they JUST wanted to get RID of because they bought a NEW one. It said "GREAT condition; RUNS GREAT". He even said HIS plan is to get HIS shit together and head back to Cali; which I knew... He talks about it ALL the time. He said maybe we could all meet up there. I'd LOVE THAT!!! The boys and I have talked about going to Cali together for YEARS... So that would be a dream come true... <3

Luke came by a couple times yesterday for a visit. He's trying SO hard to get me to go off with him somewhere. Lol I keep telling him no... Now, he's trying to talk me into doing Flea Markets with him. Lol I told him I have 'stuff' I'd be willing to LET him sell for me and keep some of the profit. I need to go through all my stuff; get rid of as much as possible, and I need to start doing that ASAP. Once I get caught up on my work, David and I will start going through storage... Get all of that taken care of. Not only do I HAVE to get it gone now... But I WANT to, in order to be 'prepared' for my departure. I don't want to be paying storage, unless I have to... And I'm not gonna be lugging around a ton of stuff. If I can make a little money on some of what I have; that would be great. But HE wants me to do it WITH him... I told him it's NOT MY thing. I'll GO to flea markets to SHOP; but I don't want to go sit or stand at a TABLE to SELL stuff. Lol It's NOT my thing... He was like, you can socialize, walk around, shop... Do whatever you want. I said, "You just want me THERE with you, don't you?" He said, "Well, YEAH..." Lol So, I said it again... "It's NOT my thing..." Lol But I'm MORE than willing to let him sell my stuff for me... Jenn came to my office with some bar stool to sell him. OMG... Lol He offered her $2 at first. Lol He bought it from her... But then she went to the kitchen, grabbed these ski boots that have been SITTING in there... They belonged to SOMEONE ELSE... She gave them to him and said, "If you sell these, GREAT! Keep some and give ME the REST!" Lol After she walked out, I TOLD him this... "Hey, Luke. I'm the MANAGER of this building and THOSE belong to SOMEONE here IN this building. So IF you SELL those; YOU keep SOME money, and I want the REST, OK?" Lol He just looked at me... Lol Then he caught on and smiled big... He went and put them on the floor in my hallway. They got left behind. Lol I've told him about her... How I've GIVEN her GIFTS and she's SOLD them to residents for money... How she STEALS from my storage, and goes and sells it for money; etc. He gets it. Lol Needless to say... The 'gift giving' has STOPPED. Lol Even if I see something I feel she could USE... I don't give it to her. I KNOW she'll just SELL it. I gave her a BEAUTIFUL winter jacket last year because HER'S was in TERRIBLE shape. She sold it to a resident that it DIDN'T even FIT for $30. Lol It would've fit HER GREAT. It's just sad... I know she needs money... But to treat OTHER people that way is JUST sad. I'm SO glad YOU raised me to be the person I am, Mom. I may have changed a bit; because OF other people and the way THEY have treated ME over the course of time... But I'm STILL a good person. And once I'm out of here... Perhaps I'll get more of 'myself' BACK. I won't be under the constant 'stress and pressure' I am here.

I don't have a problem with rules; they exist for reasons. But I DO have a problem living under someone ELSE'S 'Rule' to such extremes ALL the time... Where I don't have much say about my OWN life. I've told my boys, their ENTIRE lives... "As long as I have a roof over MY head, you'll always have a roof over YOURS." How do you think I feel, as a MOTHER... Looking at my CHILD, and YELLING, "GET OUT!!!" How do you think I feel, as a MOTHER, and telling my CHILD that he's NOT even ALLOWED to enter the BUILDING of where I LIVE??? There's a HUGE basement underneath me... And not only was I not 'allowed' to use just a PIECE of it for storage (even though I ended UP doing it anyway, not of MY choice), but I'm not 'allowed' to help my children when THEY'RE in need. If this were MINE... I would be able to. I understand and exercise 'Limits'. But even with ME... I'M not 'allowed' to have a 'life' of MY own? A 'relationship' if I chose to? A 'live in' lover? Why? Because THEY don't 'pay' rent? I work MY ass off ENOUGH to cover BOTH, thank you very much; and HAVE for the LAST TWO YEARS. What I GET in this 'arrangement' does NOT COVER what I DO. I SHOULD be getting a paycheck on TOP of it... And OTHER people have TOLD me the SAME THING. They would NOT be able to get another 'me' in here to DO what I do for FREE. The next person in this chair will MORE than likely run this place the way it WAS before and the way the OTHER properties are run; so they will GET 'their wish'. When we were having our 'discussion', Tyson and I... He made a comment about how I 'choose' to run this place the way I do; and he's right. I'm the kind of person I am, and I run this place like a 'business'. It WASN'T being run like one before... But I'm ALSO 'personable' with people; AND professional. THAT'S WHY people LIKE me... That's WHY, other than that this place is CLEANER than the rest of Manchester... Lol That people LIKE this place and even come BACK here, is because of ME. My residents are ALWAYS telling me that when I leave; so are they. I've been talking about it this past week, openly... I have a LOT of 'upset' and 'ready to leave WITH me' residents. Lol  Sarah may have a LOT of turnaround upon MY departure. Lol  A LOT of people are here BECAUSE of me... Sorry; I BUILT this place into what it is now... And MOST people KNOW it. Even professionals.

All I can hope for them... Is that they have better luck as parents than I did. Of course, they're together raising Cameron; they have a better chance than I did. I was alone in the 'Parenthood' game... But no matter WHAT your child does, it reflects on YOU, as the parent; good or bad. But especially BAD. Lol If it's cold out, and your CHILD doesn't dress appropriately; even if YOU put the RIGHT kind of clothing OUT for your child... TOLD your child to WEAR their jacket, gloves, hat... EVERYTHING. But then THEY went out in a short sleeve shirt and NO jacket... It's YOUR fault, and EVERYBODY in the WORLD is gonna say, "WHY does that child's PARENTS let him/her go out WITHOUT a JACKET and DRESSED like that???" Lol Yup... We ALL do it. It's not necessarily the PARENT'S fault... It's the DAMN KID that DIDN'T LISTEN to the parent. Lol How many times did MY boys do it to ME???!!! COUNTLESS!!! Lol I'd LAY their clothes out FOR them... LABEL their drawers... They had 5 jackets, MULTIPLE sets of boots, gloves AND mittens but could NEVER find a PAIR. Lol WHY??? Because they DIDN'T LISTEN to what they were TOLD to do. Then in the SUMMER... It was LONG sleeve shirts and hoodies. LMAO OMG, SHOOT me in the HEAD!!! You can PREACH until COWS produce CHOCOLATE milk and HELL freezes over... NOTHING is going to change in ANY generation; so don't expect YOUR child to be ANY different. Lol Expect YOUR child to embarrass YOU. What did YOU tell ME, Mom? "Why should YOUR children be ANY different than anyone ELSE'S children in the world?" Lol Because they were MINE; THAT'S why. Lol Because I SAID so... Lol Yeah, THAT doesn't fly. Lol But my point is... They may have a few 'rude awakenings' coming their way. Children bring you JUST as many heartaches as they do heart warmings. NO man has broken my heart like my child... Because you don't KNOW LOVE until you have a child. There's NO love LIKE it. And believe me... Especially now; I've known love... And have had my heart broken; but still no comparison as to the heartache that can be caused by your child. It's DEFINITELY 'unconditional' love... Your child brings you SUCH joy; yet at the same time, can cause you SUCH pain like you never thought possible. Then, as time goes on... You've forgotten all about it. I've actually written about things that happened that hurt me SO badly with the boys; then found what I wrote later on in years time. After reading it, said out loud, "Wow... I forgot ALL about that." Unconditional love. At the time, I was SO hurt; I felt devastated that my CHILD would DO such a thing to me... But then, it was forgotten. In a relationship, you forgive; but NEVER forget. It's a TYPE of 'unconditional' love... Just different. It's a 'willingness' to put past in the past, in order to 'move on'.

I'd like to know what Tom's deal is since the whole 'texting' thing... First, he was blowing up my phone and hanging up. NOW... He's having OTHER people call me and ask about 'availability'. WTF??? I REALLY HATE 'GAME Players'... I'm just STRAIGHT UP; Cards Face Up on the table. You don't like it; OH WELL... Move on. THERE'S the door... Don't let the door knob HIT YA, where the GOOD LORD split ya. Lol Just DON'T CALL. I'm just gonna let the calls go to voice mail when I see his number come up; I'm not dealing with this BS anymore. I don't want anyone 'associated' with HIM here anyway. That would mean that HE would be 'popping in', and I DON'T want THAT. He might just be having people CALL; not even for rental purposes... I just don't need any hassle; PERIOD. Just LEAVE ME ALONE, please. LOSE the number... Go smoke your crack, read your bible, preach your BS and have a nice life.

OK, Mom... I guess that's enough venting for now. Lol I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready for the day. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. PLEASE help Josh and Tori get an apartment for next month so they can take Sully home with them so I can get going on MY plan for MY life. THAT would be GREAT!!! I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I just think this is an appropriate song for my situation... I DO love him; but he makes it 'hard' sometimes... OTHER people shouldn't have so much 'control' over your feelings and emotions; and they definitely should never 'leave you hanging'... Especially when they 'claim' to 'love' you.

Hard To Love - Lee Brice

I am insensitive, I have a tendency
To pay more attention to the things that I need
Sometimes I drink to much, sometimes I test your trust,
Sometimes I don't know why you're staying with me

I'm hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
You say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good

I am a short fuse, I am a wrecking ball
Crashing into your heart like I do
You're like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus
And I wish that I could be more like you

I'm hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood,
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
You say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good
Love me good

Girl you've given me a million second chances
And I don't ever wanna take you for granted,
I'm just a man,
I'm just a man

Hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
And I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love
And you say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me

Hard to love, hard to love,
Oh I don't make it easy,
And I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood
I'm hard to love, hard to love
And you say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good

You love me good
You love me good

I guess, whatever... And C'est lavie. Life is about 'choices'... He apparently made his; I've heard nothing. I guess I'll make mine... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well... I guess I have a lot to tell you; while 'Humble and Kind' is playing. Lol How ironic... Lol Too funny. Anyway... Well, people can say anything they want about our cards... But they are what they are; and they tell the truth, just as they always have. It was Ken... And Tom... That were going to contact me. Tom, I wanted nothing to do with, and I put the brakes on that. I KNOW he's still smoking crack and needs to 'practice what he's preaching'. Besides that... I'M not someone HE'S going to 'change or control'. Playa... Lol Figures Josh and Tori would LOVE him... Lol I had reservations from the get go. Yeah, he was a 'great guy' in a lot of ways... But there were a LOT of flags, too... And I paid attention. Anyway...

Ken and I texted, literally all day yesterday... We talked about a LOT. We talked about our feelings... Which is something that the cards said we'd do. Neither one of us ever WANTED this... We were 'forced' into it. We didn't discuss that Candy is someone he was 'talking' to before he went there... We DID discuss that we want to put the past IN the past; and that we'll talk more when he comes home in July. He'll be coming back July 2... For good. It looks like we're gonna give it another shot... We'll do it differently this time. We will NOT live together HERE... We will stay APART until I'm out of here. This place destroys us... But he ALSO knows that it's HIS actions that destroy us. HE has to change... He brought up that when he gets back, he'll change his phone plan to JUST 'Talk & Text'; NO data, so he WON'T have internet... No more Facebook or access to sites that would get him into trouble. That works... No access to internet should help. We talked about possible plans for WHEN I'm ready to leave here; which will hopefully be around the end of the year-ish. Let's say, within about a year... We're gonna need time to 'get our house in order'. He likes the idea of traveling, too... Somehow, I knew he would. :-D We're BOTH 'adventurers'... If we could get him set with Social Security, get an RV... Get everything set in the interim... We could hit the road together. In THAT interim... Hopefully, Josh can get things settled for him and Sully, so that I don't have to take HIM with us... Because I WILL if I have to. I WILL raise Sully if I have to... And I don't think Ken has a problem with it. Somehow, along the way... Maybe we can 'wipe' Ken's record clean... Like it SHOULD'VE been ANYWAY. I don't feel he should have to live with that anymore... Neither of us should. I know it will cost; but it would be worth it... He worked a lot this year. Maybe he'd be willing to use his tax return for it... It would JUST be SO worth it, NOT to have to live with that anymore. That will just be another thing we discuss... He never should've had to live with it in the first place. I hope he'll be willing... It will be his choice, but I HOPE he'll be willing.

You know how I believe in signs and you know how so MANY have happened over the course of these couple months... I find it funny that just yesterday, before he texted me that funny text... The 'reminder' for his birthday popped up, and I even showed it to David. Lol I was like, "Look..." David said, "You should just delete that. You don't need reminders." Lol Then RIGHT after, literally... My phone went off, and it was Ken. Lol He sent me a funny text about a Fruit Loop in a bowl of Cheerios. Lolololol A joke between he and I... I HAD to laugh RIGHT out loud. I couldn't BELIEVE he found something with that on it... I'M a 'Fruit Loop in a bowl of Cheerios'... Lol That was a joke between us. There were times he'd look at me and just say, "Hon, you're just SO adorable..." And I loved that. I loved that he FELT that way... And I could see that he meant it. :-) We laughed a LOT together... I miss that.

He said he wasn't gonna wait to tell Candy; he said she already knew about us... That he loves me. He said that he's showed her pics of us, and that she actually said he looked happy; and that he said that he was. He DID always look happy when he was with me... I told him he could smile now, and he said that he was BECAUSE he was happy. I asked him if he knew how he could tell... So he asked me how. I told him to take a pic of when he was WITH me, and a pic of now... And to compare them. He said he already did that. He said that Candy even commented on him looking happy... He sent me a pic of him at that point. I told him he wasn't smiling and didn't look happy. He said it was a pic he took a week prior. Well, no wonder... Lol  He DID always look HAPPY in pics WITH me, AND in pics by himself during times he was with me. In pics during times he's NOT with me; even when he's with someone ELSE... He doesn't look happy. It's just a fact. Even the pics that were shown TO me, where he was WITH Candy... He doesn't look happy and he's WITH her; holding her. He didn't look like that holding me... That's all I can say. Actually... All I can say is... I guess it's because he 'genuinely' loves me. Actions speak louder than words... Eyes are the mirrors to the soul; and his 'love' shows in his eyes... Or even lack there of, and on his face. It is what it is... I'm not out to hurt anyone. I got hurt... Did SHE know about ME when she was 'messaging' with MY man all those months ago BEFORE he moved down there? His pic was WITH me on facebook and the 'Coffee' site. Don't tell me she DIDN'T know I 'existed'... But... I leave everything up to Karma; as I always do. He's not staying, is he? He'd be a fool if he did... They do it WITH you; they'll do it ON you. I saw THAT in the cards, too... ;-) She's no prize... And she may be 'into' some sort of 'weird' stuff... I don't know what that means; she may have some sort of 'issues' he's either aware of or not. Lol You just never know who you can trust, do you? But that's none of MY business... I just hope he gets out without getting things thrown at him. Lol

I wonder if he'll really tell her the truth about 'us'? I'll know... Whether he tells me the truth or not. Lol He must hate that about me... Lol I know that there are people that do; and then there are others that find it 'funny', and some find it 'amusing'. Lol Others find it 'annoying'... Lol I can't help it. That's ONE of the reasons I keep my mouth shut so much. "Don't underestimate me... I know MORE than I say, think MORE than I speak, and notice MORE than you realize..." FACT. That's why I have that hanging in my office... People NEED to know that about me. EVERYTHING in my office is relative TO me. Things outside my office are things I believe in...

I wonder how Sarah and Tyson will take it when I decide to give my notice...? Oh God. Things have been in such 'up roar' the last couple of months BECAUSE of Josh and Tori... I really had to lay a few things on the line about what I'VE been here and accomplished here. They couldn't argue... But I know that I 'look' different in Sarah's eyes BECAUSE of them... THANK YOU SO MUCH, Guys. NONE of this has been MY doing. I only want and wanted to be a GOOD Mother and Grandmother; but somehow, some way... This 'chaos' has to END. Some of it has, because Sarah and Tyson said they couldn't come in the building anymore. THANK YOU!!! Now my area stays neat and clean all the time. Lol I don't have to deal WITH them ALL hours of the day and KICK THEM OUT at un-GODLY hours so that I can go to bed. They need to get a grip on REALITY... 'REAL' people don't live the way THEY do; good, responsible, RESPECTABLE people; and that's not how I raised him. Of course, he FOUGHT me the ENTIRE way. Lol He's had this 'idea' in his head his ENTIRE life of how HE wanted to live... If I DIDN'T know better... I'd think BILLY was his father. Lolololol He has the SAME kinds of ideas about LIFE in general. You were probably right, Mom... I went out with Billy while pregnant with Josh. SOMETHING about Billy's DNA got through to Josh SOMEHOW!!! Lol When he kissed me, or SOMETHING. Lol It got IN there... Then, I was MARRIED to Billy when Josh was 4 years old; GREAT. So he had Billy as a 'role model'... GREEEEEAAAAT. Lololololol  Josh got to hear ALL about that 'underground house' that Billy used to LOVE talking about and wanted to build for US. NO THANK YOU!!! Lol I wouldn't mind a cabin in the woods, or on the water, or something like THAT... But an UNDERGROUND HOUSE??? I'll pass, thank you... Lol He, apparently had a relative that built one. Well, GOOD for THEM!!! Lol Go live with THEM!!! Enjoy... Lol I don't KNOW how Marj stayed with him for TEN YEARS. I only made it 5 months married... Lol I HAD to get OUT. He changed... He became a monster, and I wasn't sticking around. I had Josh and I was pregnant with Blayze... He wasn't gonna destroy me; and believe me... He TRIED. For a LONG time... He tried to KILL me and Blayze; time and again... Unsuccessfully. We're still here. ;-)  I have a purpose to fulfill.

Well... I guess that's it for now, Mom. I'll keep you posted about me and Ken. I wonder if he'll feel the same way today. He told me to text him when I'm not busy, so I will. I think I'll text him 'Morning' like he used to me... Lol I'll flip it on him. I wonder if he's awake. Anyway... Please watch over Mom, Dad, Poquito, and I'll add Ken in there now. Lol Keep him strong in what we're trying to accomplish for US. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Wow. I must've been exhausted; I stayed in bed until almost 7:00 this morning. Lol Not only is that unusual for me on ANY day; but I actually got to sleep in on my ACTUAL day OFF!!! Lol Just WOW!!! Lol  I still woke up a lot and got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom... But all in all; I slept pretty well AND slept IN. :-D It's a MIRACLE!!! Lol  But the dreams... They gotta mean something. I don't know if they're because I've been talking about 'being on the road' so much... If they're because I WANT to be 'on the road'... Or if they're because I'm GOING to BE 'on the road' eventually; but my dreams are OF me 'ON the road'... But NOT in an RV; it looks to be in the cab of a truck...? I don't mean a regular truck... I mean a BIG truck; a 'big rig'. Am I mixing up memories of when I was a little girl and went on rides with my Father; because I LOVED that!!! Or possibly stories that Ken and I talked about all the time of he and his Mom and Dad... And even the 'desires' that he had of driving a truck? He and I have THAT in common, too... Like so many other things. Both of our Fathers drove truck; his drove 'cross country' though. I rode with my Dad on local trips, but I LOVED IT!!! He used to let me shift AND work the choke... I grew up a LOT like 'a guy'. Anyway... In my dreams, I'm laughing and talking to SOMEONE; but it doesn't show a face... Or even the vehicle; just me sitting in the passenger side. But it's no RV... This is JUST weird... What am I gonna do; take up with a trucker? Pack up, and get the hell out of here? Lol  Wouldn't THAT be something...??? Lol In a way... A dream come true. ;-) I'd get to do that traveling AND get out of here; ALL in ONE whack. Lol Just weird dreams, Mom... But they GOTTA mean something. I've been having them on and off for a while now; which is why I've been thinking about the whole RV thing. I know I can't go get my CDL and DRIVE truck... I can't do the whole 'load/unload' thing; and I'm not looking to WORK with a truck. I just want to LIVE... So an RV would be perfect, right? Or get involved WITH a trucker... But they don't have the 'best reputations' for being faithful lovers. But if you're traveling WITH them... Better possibilities? Look at Mom and Dad; SO in love after all these years. They have their little quirks... But they REALLY LOVE each other. <3 If I could have something like that, I could have fun in life AND love, too. I'm probably just 'dreaming'... Lol But it WOULD be nice.

I went and got my nails done yesterday... But you wouldn't believe what I had to go through TO get them done. I've BEEN asking Blayze to bring me; but I even said to him that I'd wait until the weekend, because I was sure he wouldn't want to do it after work. Well... His attitude is he wants his time OFF, TOO. Just WOW... We were on our way home from the graduation and I said I wanted to see if they did 'walk ins'. He complained because he'd have to go pick me back up... From DOWN the street. EXCUSE ME??? So I looked at him and said, "You know... It's pretty sad that I CAN'T even get a ride with MY OWN truck. I've WAITED all week for your day off... I remember GIVING an awful LOT of rides to places, such as GAMESTOP, even AFTER I WORKED all day... But that's OK." Then I got quiet... IT got quiet... When we got back to Manchester, he brought me to the nail place without a word. Why? Because I was RIGHT. Do I GET where he's coming from? ABSOLUTELY!!! Do you have ANY idea how many nights I wanted to just come home and CRASH???!!! But couldn't. Why? Because THEY wanted me to TAKE them somewhere or MANY places... And I DID. So now that Blayze has HIS license and use of MY truck... HE can do it for ME, thank you very much. I will say... He DID take it upon himself last week to take the truck somewhere and have the exhaust fixed and PAID for it himself. THANK YOU!!!! That's something I would have done for YOU, Mom. That made me feel so good... Apparently, there are a couple of rust spots on the doors that we need to have fixed in order to get a sticker. So we'll have to take it to Danny's shop. OK!!! So, we're on our way... The major stuff is DONE... And my nails look GREAT! Lol :-D 

Josh and Tori called last night... Apparently, Tori has gotten a car. Good! Hopefully they'll be around more to see Sully. They certainly won't have an excuse for not having a WAY here now, will they? Josh said that HIS goal for this month was to get his license... So when I see HIM, I'm going to ask him WHAT he's accomplished; IF anything. I assume I will hear that NOTHING has been accomplished, knowing my son. What will he have for money left? Not much, knowing my son... So, what will he get accomplished for his license and for Sully this month? NOTHING, knowing my son. WHO'S fault will it be? EVERYONE ELSE'S, knowing my son. NO, Josh... It's YOURS. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET MOVING. Your OWN life is your OWN responsibility; NOT everyone ELSE'S. What goes RIGHT or WRONG is your OWN responsibility; NOT everyone ELSE'S. GET MOVING!!! I want to get moving on my OWN life... And when I say 'moving'... I MEAN MOVING!!! I want to 'live' now; while I can. I've dedicated my life to them long enough. They're adults now... And so am I. I want MY life now... Before it's over. It doesn't mean I won't be here for them anymore. It just means I don't want to FIX things and clean up their MESSES for them anymore. THEY need to BE ADULTS and do it THEMSELVES now... Like I have, MY entire life. They gotta learn sometime. I won't be here forever... Not even a phone call away. There's no phone line to Heaven. If there were, I'd be on it DAILY. Lol 

I can't help but think though, Mom, that the song 'Humble and Kind' keeps playing for me, over and over... I HAVE changed; I've gotten 'harder and colder'. I'm still me deep inside; I'll never change... But life these last couple years has definitely changed me. These are the words to the song:

You know there's a lot that goes by the front door;
Don't forget the keys under the mat.
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind.
Go to church 'cause your momma says to.
Visit grandpa every chance that you can.
It won't be a waste of time;
Always stay humble and kind.

Hold the door, say 'please'; say 'thank you'.
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie.
I know you got moutains to climb, but
Always stay humble and kind.
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you.
When the work you put in is realized.
Let yourself feel the pride, but
Always stay humble and kind.

Don't expect a free ride from no one.
Don't hold a grudge, or a chip and here's why.
Bitterness keeps you from flying...
Always stay humble and kind.
Know the difference between sleeping with someone,
And sleeping with someone you love.
"I love you" ain't no pick up line, so
Always stay humble and kind.

Hold the door, say 'please'; say 'thank you'.
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie.
I know you got mountains to climb, but
Always stay humble and kind.
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you.
When the work you put in is realized.
Let yourself feel the pride, but
Always stay humble and kind.

When it's hot, eat a root beer, a popsicle.
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down.
Let that summer sun shine.
Always stay humble and kind.
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you.
When you get where you're goin',
Don't forget turn back around.
Help the next one in line,
Always stay humble and kind...

Sometimes when this plays... I'm feeling SO angry about my situation. I feel like you're trying to remind me of WHO I am and 'supposed' to be. One day, I had to smile and giggle... Right after this played; so did 'Peter Pan'. Lol So, what was THAT message? Lololol Oh, Mom... My life AND emotions are so 'messed up'. I always seem to want what I CAN'T have... 'In the moment'. I want to leave... And can't. I want a life... And can't HAVE one. I want a relationship with REAL love... And can't HAVE one. Just ANYTHING I WANT... I CAN'T have. Maybe I should 'try to fool' fate? Lol  Yeah, right... Lol 'Pretend' I don't want anything, and MAYBE I'll get it anyway. Lol  Again... YEAH, RIGHT. Lol So, 'Auto Pilot' mode continues...

Well, I guess that's it for now, Mom. I'll end with asking you to watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Angel kick MY family, please... This so called 'LIFE' that I keep dreaming about... I really wouldn't mind it becoming a REALITY. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Wow, what a day. Aleta graduated... Irene was upset at people from her actual family. Members that actually showed up, didn't bother to stay and even see Aleta. Her brother Phil was the only one that showed up from her family; her father couldn't be bothered. But Aleta's father and other brother were there... Me and Blayze, and we brought Sully... Marcus, of course. It was nice... And it was nice that the ceremony was all completed BEFORE the rain hit. Lol We were on our way home and everything before that occurred. So, successful day...

Tom kept calling and hanging up yesterday... I don't know what he's trying to prove...? That he's an asshole? He already proved that... Lol Or am I supposed to 'bite' on that, and either text or call HIM back so that he can DENY that he was calling me...? Lol Yeah... NOT happening. Lol I don't play games... You want to call or text me? Go ahead; I'll respond. But don't act like this 'Big Playa' with ME... Meet 'The Coach'. Lol Sometimes... I know what you're gonna do... Before YOU do, 'Playa'. Lol  You can heed the warning... Or not... Make the right choices... Or not. It's ALL up to you... But I'M not playing any games.
They usually make the wrong choices. Lol  So, What do we say? C'est Lavie...!!!

Now, ironically... I still haven't heard from Ken. Lol  Him, I wouldn't MIND hearing from. Tom, I don't WANT to hear from. I texted Ken, I think it was yesterday... To let him know that I told Sully 'Hi' for him like he asked me to... And that I could tell by Sully's reaction that he DID remember who Ken was; and I didn't need to show him a picture, or anything. I thought Ken might like to know that... I asked Sully if he remembered Ken; the man he used to call Pepe'. He said "Yeah". I told him that he said hi... Sully smiled big and got happy... And said, "Oh, he said hi? Oh, I say hi, too..." He remembered Ken. It got to the point when Ken was still here and Sully was here... If Ken came home from work; Sully would say, happily, "Hi, Pepe'!" The moment Ken came through the door... It was adorable. Lol  I wanted to let Ken know that Sully DID remember him... Lovingly. He said he was gonna text me the other night; but never did... And I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if I upset him somehow? Or if his girlfriend is upset with him or something...? I don't know... He said he'd always make time for me; but I guess not. I was actually kinda hoping this was a start to us being able to be friends... I never wanted him out of my life; I always felt we meant too much to each other... But maybe that's just me. If anything, we proved our 'connection' IS still there... Lol We DO have 'something'... That's NOT my imagination. I do feel that if we had the opportunity to actually 'explore' our relationship, rather than have all the 'obstacles'... Things could possibly have been different... Maybe? Or am I 'idealizing' again because it's what I WANTED...? I loved him... I can't and don't deny it; THAT would make me a fool... Or at least more of one. I gotta get out of here... Do they make little purple RV's? Lol

I've thought so much lately about possibly, where I could have gone wrong with Ken. The thing is... I would've had to make some VERY hard decisions; that I'm possibly more ready NOW, to make. Ken doesn't know that I realize that he is 'an adventurer'. He also doesn't realize that I am, too; but had to stifle that to raise my children and be a 'responsible adult and Mother'. All of my life, I've lived 'by the seat of my pants'; 'in the fast lane'; 'on the edge'... All kinds of cliches' that my own Blessed Mother used to describe me. I want my freedom back SO BAD, I can taste it. I used to just 'hit the road' and travel at the blink of an eye... It used to drive YOU, my Blessed Mother CRAZY. I'm sorry for that now... I was sorry for that when I got old enough to REALIZE, so I stopped. I didn't want to cause you unnecessary heartache. I now KNOW that heartache... But anyway... For quite some time now, I've been thinking about getting an RV and living in THAT... Just wherever. Traveling... Seeing places I've never seen; which would be a LOT of places. Lol I wouldn't be paying rent; I'd just be paying 'survival'... Like I do now. It would be nice to have a partner for the ride... It's nothing I can do right NOW anyway. I gotta FIND one and get a few things straightened out first. But as SOON as I can... I'm GONE. I'm tired of this THING I call 'a life'... I'm not living. I get angry whenever I hear the bell ring. I resent my phone, so I ignore it most of the time... I want OUT. I want my OWN life... Please help me get it, Mom.

OK, Mom... I'm EXHAUSTED, so I'll close with asking you to watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Get My family moving... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well, yesterday was a very productive day. David and I got a lot done. Having him here will be a BIG help to me; personally AND professionally... For as long as I decide to stay. I don't know how long it will be; for as long as I HAVE to, I guess. It will still be 'hard' to leave here; I 'built' this place into what it is now... And I still am 'who' I am, and need what I need... But I need something different; and I need to get away from the STRESS of my life. It's gonna kill me... And I've survived some pretty amazing things; by all rights, I should be dead. Lol  Pinned under vehicles, gang jumped with weapons, the multiple men in my life I lived through with domestic violence; I literally had to fight, just to survive... Never mind all the OTHER things I've lived through and survived. I've thought numerous times over the course of my 'older' life, the 'experiences' I've had, and how fortunate I am to even be alive. Lol Fortunate... Is that the right word? Lol I'm kidding, Mom... Sortof. Lol ANYWAY!!! We got a LOT done yesterday, and he even had the chance to IMPRESS the Duperron Family; Bob and Joanne included. Sarah came to meet them for lunch and saw some of what was done with Bob and Tyson. David did some stuff while they left for lunch and had it ready for them when they got back; nothing that Blayze would've taken upon himself to do. Lol They're gonna LOVE David!!! Lol I guarantee... They've NEVER had ANYONE like US work for them before. ;-) 

When we were down in the basement, we pointed out what cages were my stuff; because MY stuff was never supposed to be there in the first place. But then when it ended up there, it was only supposed to be there for 2 weeks to a month; TOPS. I never got the help to go through it that I needed... So it's been there 2 YEARS. Now, some of JOSH'S stuff is in there TOO; because even though I told him NOT to, he put stuff out of his van down there. So I got 'reprimanded' for that in the beginning of all of this. I explained it got done without my knowledge; I found out AFTER the fact. Well... It caused for ME to have to get MY stuff out now. At least I have David that will actually HELP me now. I couldn't GET anyone to help me before... No matter HOW much I begged. David's like me; yeah, it SUCKS... But it needs to be done; so let's JUST DO IT, and get it DONE. Him having the same attitude as me, makes MY life easier. Having another 'neat/clean freak' around makes MY life easier... Lol We work a lot as a team; which is how I even tried to 'make' things work with me, Ken, and even Blayze; but just me and Ken would've been nice. For instance... David will go down to the basement and DO laundry; brings it up... Sometimes, even folds it; sometimes, doesn't. If it's folded, I put it away. If it's not, I fold it and put it away. TEAM WORK!!! Do you know how MANY loads of laundry I used to do that would end up just SITTING in my room... Waiting to be folded and put away; by ME because no one ELSE would take it upon THEMSELVES to do it??? Lol I guess it was just MY job to do EVERYBODY'S laundry; wash, dry, carry it UP from the basement, fold, sort AND put it all away. A lot of the time, I'd even end up putting BLAYZE'S away because otherwise, it would just sit in the KITCHEN CHAIR, and make my kitchen look like his 'closet'; which it WAS, in a sense... But it didn't need to LOOK it. The sink never has dishes in it since everyone is gone because I ALWAYS do my dishes... But so does David. The kitchen is always clean now that everyone is gone. My room is always clean, except when Sully is playing; but toys are just 'clutter'. The bathroom is coming back to what it was... Lol I got all the stuff out of it that ended up in there from EVERYONE. It looks like MY bathroom again instead of a 'Community Bathroom'. Things are coming together in THIS aspect; but in others...

Yesterday, I could've killed Josh. His van was parked over at Shiloh; Tyson sent me a text with a pic of it saying he needed to move or he was going to call Shiloh and have THEM have him towed. OK... I tried contacting them. Tori wasn't with Josh and SHE couldn't get hold of him either. Long story short; he was supposed to have an HOUR to have it moved; TWO hours later, he was found IN the van... DRUNK, sleeping with Cassey by Tori... Which, in turn, caused a SCENE... Which caused the cops to be called. Did I do anything? NOPE. You MADE your bed; LAY in it. Nothing happened, luckily... But then HOURS later, about 5... They were STILL there when Tyson texted me to check. I warned him again he will be towed. Where I didn't hear anything back, I'm assuming all went well and they got out. I woke up this morning to a text from Josh, thanking me AND apologizing, saying that his phone was bone dead. Yeah... And Cassey had it while he was drunk and left it at her house. I texted him back telling him FLAT OUT that I hope HE'S prepared for what Sully has to say to HIM when HE gets older and is as 'well versed' as Josh has been to ME telling ME how I 'F-cked up' HIS life when ALL I've done is be a GOOD Mother to him. I also told him that it has become PAINFULLY clear to me that I should probably just end this and do what I DON'T want to do, and just take custody of Sully, since I'M raising him ANYWAY. I love him MORE than words can say, but that he and Tori have brought me MORE hurt and shame in the last couple of months, and destroyed what I have spent the last couple of YEARS building for myself. I told him to TAKE the responsibility and FIX IT. They want to blame others; but the life they lead is their OWN; NOT ours, and WE shouldn't have to suffer the repercussions OF it... And neither should Sully. My boys 'suffered' some consequences of 'bad decisions' I made throughout their lifetime; granted. Parenthood is ALL about 'trial and error'. However... Once you SEE the 'error' of your ways, you CORRECT it; then don't repeat it. Or at least, TRY not to. Josh... He CONTINUES to lead this path; and it's just SELFISH and WRONG. Don't tell me that SULLY is YOUR FOCUS... Because IF he were, you'd BE HERE EVERY DAY to see him, hug and kiss him, spend time with him, and TELL him you LOVE him... Like a DADDY should. ANY man can be a father as long as he has the 'sperm count'; but it takes a REAL MAN to be a 'DADDY'. Sully CALLS you 'Daddy'... You BUY him nice things; but that DOESN'T make you a 'Daddy'. SHOW him love by BEING THERE, EVERY DAY. FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE!!! I NEVER really let you down... You may not have LIKED every 'outcome'; but I was ALWAYS there for you... No matter WHAT; good or bad. I didn't just stand behind you, I WALKED BESIDE YOU; and stood IN FRONT of you when necessary... To this VERY day. Maybe... MAYBE, someday you'll get it; you'll get what being a REAL and GOOD parent is ALL about; I HOPE. 'Tough Love' SUCKS... But at times, is VERY necessary with children, such as MY Josh. You DON'T always GET what you WANT. What you NEED is what's necessary. But you're supposed to EARN what you GET in this life... LEARN that. RIGHT DOWN to how people TREAT you. You GET what you GIVE. Anyway...

Well, I actually get a long weekend! I asked if I could close the office Saturday because Aleta is GRADUATING tomorrow!!! Isn't that EXCITING?!?!?! My Angel is grown up... She'll be going to college soon. Irene said she's gonna STAY in college until she completes her Masters; GOOD idea!!! I know from personal experience, that once you LEAVE school... You really don't want to go back. Lol I'm SO proud of her. I've missed them all SO much... Me not having my license REALLY screws things up. I can't see my family the way I want to... And they're so busy working on the house. Irene and I talked recently though, and she might come pick me up for a weekend; THAT would be nice. I'd LOVE to spend some time with them... I can't wait to get my license and FREEDOM back; like I SHOULD'VE had ALL along. Stupid ASSES!!! ANOTHER YEAR of my LIFE, just DOWN the drain... Right IN court paperwork, it has the RSA about the AGAINST scheduled payments; so WHY can't THAT just be thrown in her face??? I've been on Disability since 2010; that's 6 years. One other place tried to take me to court and we never even made it in front of the judge BECAUSE of that. Lol I signed that paper, and we went on our way. I think I'm gonna scan that and email it to my lawyer's office, saying THIS is paperwork FROM the Manchester Court...??? See what they say; IF anything. Probably won't accomplish anything, but I'll try. Lol Anyway, I can't wait to see everyone tomorrow!!! Aleta must be ELATED!!! I can't wait to see the progess on the house, too. Irene said the painting is done. Linda has just been... Unbelieveable... She doesn't get her way; she 'threatens' Irene. Last I knew, it was she just won't move in. OK!!! Lol Irene and I were like, SHE better get the house in HER name ASAP; it's in Linda's right now... I like Linda; but she's a controlling bitch.

You know, Mom... That's why it REALLY burned my butt when men in my life threw at me, in anger... That I was 'controlling'; because LORD knows, I'm not. I give SO MUCH leeway, I get screwed over. I get to a point, I 'put my foot down' ABOUT things... I SHOULD have SOME say about things in MY life. That's what 'relationships' are supposed to be like; compromise and have communication. You're supposed to care about the other person's wants, needs, desires... How they feel, just in general. That's love. You care about what they think... About you, or just anything. You don't have to agree; you just 'care'. I know I do... It's supposed to be 'human emotion'; but apparently not something that comes 'naturally' to everyone. That's a shame... Relationships would probably be so much easier if it did; and last longer. Lord knows, I could go ON about that, couldn't I? Lol But anyway...

Well, I guess I should go take my shower and get ready for the day. I want to get as much done today as possible, AND today is Friday. I'd like to have some 'fun' this weekend, if possible. OK, Mom... Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. I gotta call and see how they're doing. Please help my family... SOMETHING'S gotta give here, somehow. I want Josh to get his ACT together; for himself AND Sully. I want for HIM to raise HIS son, and for them to have a WONDERFUL relationship. Then I can go on with MY life; in peace... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well, things are starting off well with David. Yesterday, Tyson came by and asked if he called; I told him he was here. So he said that he and Bob will be by today to start 'training' him in some things; such as how to change locks, do some dump runs, vacuuming, etc. I told Tyson it was funny he brought up vacuuming because David asked me when the last time the building was vacuumed... It was a week and a half ago; the last time Blayze HAD to do it. Lol So, David actually said that he was going to do that ASAP; and he DID... Yesterday afternoon. I came out and heard the vacuum; he was getting it DONE!!! How AWESOME is THAT?!?! He's only proving me RIGHT!!! Lol That he just gets UP and DOES stuff with-OUT being asked or told to... THANK YOU!!! Lol Why? Because it NEEDS to be DONE; THAT'S why. Lol David has the same attitude and work ethic I do... It needs to be done, so JUST DO IT. Lol AND he's a 'neat clean FREAK', THANK you VERY much... Lol 

Wow... It's only 5:30 in the morning and the prostitute in Room #222 is ALREADY working??? I can't WAIT to get her out of here... I just saw a guy in a white dress shirt go in the room. But the guy that actually RENTS the room, wants to DENY to my FACE that she's a prostitute. OKAY!!! Lol Well... He's been SERVED his EVICTION for CAUSE; the first one I've served for cause in my Management. I've only ever served for non-payment. What an ASS... His 'Demand for Rent' part will go today to make it official; he didn't pay rent Monday. GOOD!!! I know he's planning on moving anyway... But you're NOT gonna continue to run your BS out of HERE. LOSERS... How can people even THINK like that??? Low lifes... Can just go around, having sex with JUST anyone; and for MONEY!!! PIGS. NO self respect or respect for what it's REALLY about. Well... My Blessed Mother... YOU, always taught me... "You LOOK how you LIVE". IF you had any kind of 'looks' whatsoever; don't plan on having them for much longer. You'll end up looking 'old and used up'... Then, who'll want you? You'll just be 'the OLD car on the lot' that EVERYONE had a ride in. NOT the kind of 'look' OR reputation I'D want to have... Man OR woman.

Tori actually contacted me earlier yesterday to see Sully for a couple hours... Still not for the DAY; but at least EARLIER and he was home BEFORE 8:00 PM. MAYBE they're finally getting it... I HOPE. Lol They NEED to. This is MY life that I'M sacrificing for THEIR child on a daily basis. He's my grandson; but not MY child; I already raised MY kids, and this is supposed to be MY time to 'LIVE'. So much for THAT... I'm still fighting for things I shouldn't HAVE to; like my license. My court date isn't until August... Bastards. They should JUST drop it... Anyway... ALWAYS a fight.

Blayze FINALLY got PAID!!! Therefore, so did I... FINALLY. That was a BIG help... Still doesn't give me much money for the month; but it's a HELP. Hopefully, David will be able to find, at least, a PT job. I'll help him file for SSDI and Welfare... We'll get THAT going. Meanwhile, he can hit pantries with Darlene, too... SHE has been a wonderful help to me. She's ALWAYS offering me assistance... She truly IS good to me. I think we understand each other's positions in life; just period... As women, mothers and grandmothers. We've had similar experiences and we DO similar things FOR people. She may have her 'little quirks' that are unlike me... But she's a good person, as a rule. I wouldn't steal from someone... I know she has. I 'overlook' these things. Lol I don't think she would hurt ME, deliberately...

I actually heard from both Tom and Ken yesterday... Tom was an ass; Ken and I actually had a nice conversation, a couple times throughout the day. Tom sent me a text that, I guess was supposed to 'sweep me off my feet'; and didn't... So in return, he just got 'vicious'. Lol I just remained myself and said that I hope he's doing well. That ended it. The text I got from Ken was just basically saying a 'friendly hello' and "wondering why" I hadn't texted him...? Well... Because he hadn't texted ME, which, as a rule, meant that he was with someone else. If I paid attention to one, the ONE text he DID send me back in April... It had "Ken <3 CS" on it; and I was JUST shown a pic of him a few days ago with some woman named Candy something; and the last name DID begin with an 'S'. I'd say, mystery solved. Lol Also, the profile said they were 'In a Relationship' with each other; the pic was of him holding her in some bar or something... It was definitely more than 'friendly' and "just some woman he met". Lol I don't know why he feels the need to lie to me...? We've been broken up almost 3 months now. I read cards; I've seen it in the cards, too... I tried NOT to; I tried IGNORING what I've seen because I don't WANT to know what's going on with him... So I usually just 'skip over' those parts; but I still 'see' it. I saw that they were together; had a break up... They're together again. It IS what it is... I don't WANT to know; but I know. We're 'connected'... He 'shows up'. When I read MY cards, I've even tried to read them as though HE'S not IN them... But I can't. I WANT to... But I CAN'T; and it's FRUSTRATING!!! Sometimes, I throw them out 3 and 4 times... He's STILL in there. Then sure enough... The contact... And it was an ex. I don't know, Mom... The 'connection' is definitely still there; we were still doing the same thing we always did yesterday... Saying the same things at the same time. Lol I don't know... I wonder if it will ever disappear? Anyway... He said he'd contact me last night but he didn't. He probably got tied up with Candy. Lol I gotta say though, Mom... Why does he have the 'taste' in women that he does? It's not all about looks... But I've been told numerous times throughout my life that I'm "every man's dream" because of all that I am; I have looks plus... But whenever especially Ken and I break up, he always ends up with these... I have to say it... Ugly women. What IS it??? Is HE so concerned with BEING 'the pretty one' that having an ugly woman is easier for him? He doesn't have to be so concerned with men hunting HER down. Lol But he never had to worry about that with me... I was never a cheater. Men love me; but I'M trustworthy. That's what's important... Oh well... Whatever, I guess. Lol Whatever makes him happy...

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Please get things moving with MY family so that I can get things moving with MY life... In SOME sort of direction other than here. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well, it took ALL day yesterday; literally... But David is out! I had a ride arranged and everything... He didn't call until AFTER 6:00 PM last night. I didn't care; Blayze was home by then. The ride I had arranged kept coming to the door and 'bugging' me all day yesterday though... He was driving me CRAZY. He's one of the ones that has it pretty bad for me; he'll find any excuse as it is... I hated asking for the ride. He's a nice guy... BUT... I don't want to hear about all his 'issues'. Lol I have my own, thank you; and I've had mine since childhood. His started in his 40's or 50's and he thinks he's so bad off and needs major pain pills. Lol Get rid of your huge gut, quit drinking so much, eat right... It might be a good start. Lol He tells me he's "getting fat" but he doesn't eat much; that Roger eats more than HE does. Lol Well... I see Roger cooking in the kitchen, too; but Roger isn't as BIG as he is. Lol Luke even noticed when he was here how bad these guys 'have it' for me. He laughed when he was telling me what he 'saw' when I was talking with them... He thinks it's "cute" and "funny". Lol It kinda is. Just like he said; they don't have a chance with me and they fall all over themselves whenever they're around me... Lol I'm their 'Barbie Doll'. Lol They don't get to literally 'play' with me; we just have fun together...

David's so happy to be out, and he realizes that it was good to "get it over and done with". They were just hanging over his head... It was just weird how it all happened. Blayze takes him to the hospital, then all of a sudden, the police are there to arrest him on warrants that are about 25 YEARS old. Amazing... How things can just come back and bite you in the ass. Lol I hope he's learned his lesson. He says he has... He lived his life doing these things for SO long. He was basically a "Professional Criminal". Lol He's a genius at it... Which is why he understands there are certain things about THIS job that I WON'T be allowing him to do. Lol Such as, collect rent. I allowed Blayze to do that because I KNEW I could TRUST him. David... Not so much. Lol If he got desperate enough, he might try to 'rationalize' it in his head SOMEHOW... Then it will come back and bite BOTH of us in the asses. Lol NOT HAPPENING!!! I will remind him that things are done UNDER CAMERA for the MOST part. Yes, there are areas that aren't... But for everyone's protection; cameras are GOOD.

I took Sully outside yesterday afternoon to let him run around; I brought out some of my paperwork to catch up on. Josh ended up showing up, which was good. I let him take Sully from there... I told him he NEEDS to have Sully home ANY time he takes him BY 8:00 PM. It messes ME up, AND him when he brings him home so late. He needs to spend time with him during the DAY, and get him home EARLY. So then after picking up David, we grabbed him. Then, around 8:00, Tori texted me because SHE had just gotten back from being with her grandmother. She wanted to see Sully. I told her NO. Sully WAS still awake, but I said he wasn't... I'm NOT going to allow her to keep doing this. She is GOING to start doing things EARLIER. I told her TOMORROW.

I feel bad for Sully... And I feel bad for myself. I want the right kind of life for us both. We BOTH deserve a LIFE. He didn't ask to be born into this situation, and I EARNED mine. I want a DIFFERENT kind of life... I'd like to do something different for a change. I'm tired of 'answering' phones and bells. Lol Everytime I hear one, I get angry... People SEE my 'attitude' when I get to the door; even people I like. I DON'T want to do this anymore. I'm doing it because I HAVE to; and I'm here. It's where I live. I need and want to get out. Some day, I guess... When I can. Josh has to get his shit together so I can look into getting that RV. I think I want to travel... While I still can.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. A good Angel kick in the butt for MY family would be appreciated. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Sorry I haven't written; but as you've seen, I've had my hands full. Between having Sully full time and turn around here... I have one room left to do; thank GOD David gets out today. Not just for the help... I've missed him, too; even though he's been... A 'selfish ass'. Hopefully today, he'll just be happy to be OUT, and have a different attitude. Of course, Blayze has been off since last Wednesday, but goes BACK TODAY. Lol Of course... So when I NEED him, he's NOT available. I have to find a ride. He's gotten so selfish... It's all about HIS 'time off' and 'his rest' and 'sleep'. Oh really??? Lol Just wow... What about MINE??? I'm working, watching and raising Sully, running a BUILDING and I'm DISABLED and a heart attack/stroke risk... But NONE of that seems to matter. Oh... AND I'm their MOTHER and was and AM there for THEM ALL THE TIME!!! So WHY do I get EXCUSES??? I don't know, Mom... I'm confused as to what to do or what I SHOULD have done. Should I have done things differently? Should I have been a different kind of Mother? Should I have been 'harder'? Should I have said 'No' more? Should I have said "you're on your own" more? "Clean up your OWN mess" more...? Did I 'do' too much FOR them? Was I TOO much OF a 'Mother'? Because NOW... I can't seem to STOP BEING one... To anyone; but especially them... And I really want to. Not completely, of course. I just want my OWN life, and for THEM to have THEIRS.

Maybe I should've been like other Mothers, and instead of crying when Josh was turning 15 years old because he WOULD be turning 18 in 3 years and be leaving me soon... Lol I should have EMBRACED the thought of what I could do with my own life and what I 'gave up' to raise my boys; but they meant SO MUCH to me, I cried at the thought of them leaving me. That is, until it actually happened and I got used to it. I realized it was something I could get used to. Lol  My 'neatness and cleanliness' all the time. Lol My money to myself never really happened... They always manage to need something. It will be a GOD send, the day I can actually have MY money, JUST for ME... NOT have to struggle SO hard to support SOMEONE else, or pay BACK others BECAUSE of someone else. I'm SO tired of struggling... I really just want to cry all the time; but can't. The tears don't even come. I'm so miserable and my emotions are SO confused... My emotions don't even know WHAT to do. I don't even know what to do with MYSELF most of the time...

Sometimes, I don't know if I want to write, or watch TV, or WHAT to do... I honestly don't feel like doing anything... Which means I'm depressed. I'm not happy with anything in my life. I'm just doing what I have to and it's a miserable way to live... I get more miserable as the days go on.

Luke came by to visit yesterday. He's pushing for me to 'get away' with him. As much as I'd LOVE to 'get away'... Not with him. I'm not getting myself into any 'predicaments'. I know he's 'hot' for me... Well, he can just 'cool' it down, because all we'll ever be is friends. I don't trust his 'type'. He's a 'playa'... He's a good musician; but I'm one 'tune' he won't be 'playin'. Lol He's been trying for almost a year now... Hey; it took JD 14 years. Lol As a rule, I'm 'picky'... I make mistakes. When men approach me that want to go out with me, I 'see' the flags. I decide whether or not I want to 'attempt' it or not. Like with Ken... I saw the flags; fairly good looking, but 'rough around the edges'. I knew he'd be a challenge. I actually DIDN'T expect him to be the 'gentleman' that he was; that was actually a pleasant surprise. Kinda spoiled me a bit. Now when men don't open doors for me, it's almost 'offensive'. Lol He really has that OVER a LOT of men... They don't realize HOW 'important' that IS to us. It's important to us to be TREATED 'like a lady'; especially when you ARE one. Something as little as opening doors; such a small gesture... But important; and he does it. Too bad he didn't 'get a grip' on the OTHER 'important' stuff... We would've been GREAT together. Now that I think about it... It's June... His birthday is next week. Hmmm... By then, it will be what... 2 months since I've heard anything from him. So, I probably shouldn't contact him to wish him a 'Happy Birthday'. He's probably 'settled' in his life and doesn't want to hear from me. If he did, he'd contact ME. So, I'll leave him be... I hope he's happy.

OK, Mom... I guess I'll go take a shower and get ready for the day. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Please help with my Family; get them going so MY life can straighten out and I can actually HAVE one. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I find it so funny that on days I COULD sleep in, I'm literally unable to. Lol I was awake this morning before 5:00 AM; and finally, just got up shortly there after. I have a lot on my plate right now; personally AND professionally. Today, I have to clean out a studio... By myself. Sarah said something about sending someone to take the stuff OUT for me; so THAT will be a help, anyway. I've gotta prepare a memo this morning, too; I can't forget that. It's requested by Sarah, so... Priority. Lol Now that I have the rooms all rented. I did THAT first. Memo was able to be 'on the back burner' until this morning.

No Josh and/or Tori yesterday; at all. No call, No show... And it's REALLY 'messing' Sully up. He's 'rebelling'; but, unfortunately it's with ME... So I have to 'punish' him and discipline him. It's NOT fair; to either one of us. I HATE doing it... It breaks my heart. The rest of the time, he's all, "I love you, Meme'"; and is always kissing me SOMEWHERE. Lol Even if it's on my leg... Lol Sully and I have a 'special' relationship; and I don't LIKE ANY of this. He's using potty to urinate; but messing his pants... And at his age; it's a MESS. He's doing it several times a day... It's just not fair; he WAS JUST using the bathroom. Sometimes, I even see him get up during the night to go... So, what happened? Josh and Tori happened; THAT'S what. BAD Parents... Just PERIOD. I'm just thoroughly disgusted...

David has stopped trying to call... Part of me is glad, because I couldn't USUALLY talk to him anyway; unless he managed to get someone to let him use their phone access. Someone that had money on account; which only happened twice. The other times, it won't connect; so why bother...? I hope he got the money I had Blayze go put on his account. I only had $20; and it cost $3.00 to DO it... So, he only got $17.00; but it's better than nothing. He should be getting out Tuesday after court... I pray things go well.

As days go on, Mom... I'm realizing JUST how 'sick and tired' I am of my life. I realize, that for the most part; I'm doing what I'm doing because I HAVE to... Not so much because I WANT to. Isn't that USUALLY the 'story of my life'? WHEN do I get to do things because I WANT to??? When it comes to 'helping others'; that's 'instinctual'... I just CAN'T seem to stop myself from doing it when faced with a situation. Sometimes, I HATE that about myself. Lol It just makes my life SO difficult and complicated... However, I HAVE gotten to a point where I 'pick and choose' more now; rather than just helping EVERYONE I encounter that 'needs' it. You can tell, a lot of the time, when someone IS willing to help themselves; and those are the ones you 'choose'. A lot of the time though... Even those turn out, not so hot; at least for me. Lol It's a very 'self sacrificial' way to be in life, and it makes YOUR life 'complicated'. I'd like a change... But how? Where? That RV idea is sounding better and better. Lol Day by day, Mom... Step by step, I'll figure things out. Until then... 'Auto Pilot'.

I can't believe we're in June... Half of the year is over already. Just wow... Time REALLY flies as you get older. Lol  Of course, being as BUSY as I usually am adds to it, I'm sure. The weeks just FLY here... One minute, it's Monday; then before we know it, Jenn and I are talking about how we "can't believe it's FRIDAY already". Here it is, Saturday morning... I have a lot to accomplish today. Lol I'm supposed to be going out tonight, and I'd LIKE to!!! I gotta get going on stuff... Lol

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I'll leave you asking that you watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. I talked to Mom yesterday... She sounded GOOD. Dad's doing OK, too; considering... Please help me with MY family; get them ON the ball. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I can't believe I'm even gonna say this, but... Thank GOD it's FRIDAY!!! Lol It may be my busiest rent day; but it also signifies the END of the week, and CLOSER to, 'so called' time off. Plus, I got paid today... FINALLY. I can buy some food and actually eat something GOOD again. Lol I'm not so 'in debt' this month. I have plans to go out tomorrow night for some drinks and karaoke... I NEED the break. I just gotta figure out what to do with Sully... I'm not letting his parents take him. If they were still allowed in the building, I'd have Josh come watch him... But they're not even allowed in the building; which I have to say... I'm not exactly 'hating'. Lol I'm getting up EVERY morning to a neat, clean BEDROOM; as well as the REST of my apartment... And I'm not even DONE doing all that I have to do to get it BACK to 'what it was'. It just goes to PROVE that ALL of that 'excessive cleaning' I was having to do on a DAILY basis, WAS the 'fault' of everyone ELSE 'using' my apartment area. I'M no 'pig' or 'slob'... Even the RUG in my room has stayed clean ALL week; so has my little wooden table. Yeah... Life is QUITE a bit more 'simplified' with everyone GONE... Sorry. I don't like that my own son, can't just come see me; but he's made the bed he's lying in... With her; despite all he SAYS about getting rid of her. I know he's TOLD her to "just go", and she won't... I know how that goes; been there, done that. I'm probably gonna tell Josh tonight... IF I see or talk to him... One, I need money OR food for Sully; I'M feeding him. Two, that THIS arrangement can not and WILL NOT go on much longer... He better get his act together, or I'M just gonna file for custody; and it's NOT something I WANT. But Sully deserves a LIFE... And not one with irresponsible parents that find ANY excuse to just leave him with ME, so THEY can go off and do whatever it is they want, WHEN they want. I don't want to hear anymore excuses about "heat stroke"... It hasn't been THAT hot out the last couple days. Get it together... Or I will.

Well, that was nice... I just got off the phone with Irene. I sent her a text early this morning, so she called... So that she could actually GET to talk to me. Lol The last couple times, the bell rang or SOMETHING; just as we were getting into 'talking'. The house is coming along GREAT, she said... But Linda... Linda. Lol SHE is a piece of work, let me tell you... Irene and the kids are DOING ALL THE WORK; Linda just shows up to 'supervise' once in a while... Which they DON'T need. Lol She 'barks' her 'orders'; then leaves. Lol Cari and I were afraid of all this... She's TOO controlling, and then 'threatens' you when you 'don't bite'. Irene had to ASK PERMISSION to buy a lawn mower... Are you KIDDING ME??? She got it; but LINDA didn't think it was important. Oh... But HER spending THOUSANDS of dollars MORE on the remodeling is OK. Lol They start out with a plan and get the cost; then LINDA decides SHE wants 'something better' or 'different'... And the 'changes' cost THOUSANDS of dollars more. But Irene can't just BUY a lawn mower??? PLEASE... Anyway.

I've told you about this guy here that has made it PERFECTLY clear, he 'wants' me... Yeah, well; how's it feel to want? Lol Good looking and everything; but, for one... He's a LOT younger than me. Two, I don't go out with 'his type' because I can PEG them a MILE away... Lol Anyway... Lately, he's been 'real forward' about things... Yesterday, when he came to pay his rent, he got WAY too 'friendly' for me. He even told me that he was "Taking it easy" on me; not using his USUAL moves BECAUSE of the type of woman I am. Lolololol OK... Then I wouldn't want to see him be 'assertive'. Lol  He said I'm the ONLY woman to tell him 'no'. OK... Well, get used to it; because that's EXACTLY what you'll hear from me EVERY TIME... 'NO'. Lol  I asked him what PART of 'NO' did he NOT understand; because he KEPT 'coming onto' me... Not 'forcefully'; but 'assertively'. He was NOT giving up for, it was a good hour. A LOT of it happened right in the office, too; and all I could think of was the camera... I hoped Sarah and/or Tyson weren't watching at that moment. Embarrassing... Lol I kept trying to get him out, but he kept locking the office door. Thank God Sully was out there, and I had HIM for 'an excuse'. He's come at me before; on numerous occasions... But THIS one was definitely him actually TRYING to 'get me in bed'. Sorry... No. HE thinks I won't sleep with him because of 'discretion'. No... I don't have FEELINGS for him, and THAT'S what I told him. He thinks I'm 'full of it'. Lololololol No, I'm NOT. I REALLY have NO interest in YOU, at all... You can call me 'a friend'; but THAT'S where the BUCK STOPS. He even came here 'looking good'; I'm sure thinking it would 'assist' in his conquest. THAT would be a 'NO', too. Lol Sorry, Mike... Stick with the OTHER 'fish in the sea'. You'll NEVER 'catch' THIS one... ;-)

Then there are a couple PRIOR residents; one, I actually wouldn't mind. Lol One of the BEST looking men we've ever had rent here in MY Management; and he seems like a REALLY decent guy. The other one... He just moved out, but then CALLED me. I knew he was 'interested' in me when he was here... He kept telling me how his 'ex-girlfriend' was 49, too. Yeah? GOOD for YOU!!! Lol Doesn't mean you're gonna get ANOTHER one; especially not me. Lol He was a musician, and everything... But still; NOT for me. He left me a message saying he was "hoping to hear from" me. Well, the next time we'll have any 'involvement' will be for him to get his refund check. Other than that... It's a 'NO'. The other one though... He wants to come back around 'to visit'. I told him he was always welcome.

Now, the cards... I'm TRYING to get a 'clearer picture' of what's going on; and even possibly WHO the man is. I can't change what the cards 'say'; it's gotta be someone I was with before. They go on about him and this 'other woman'. There was 'happiness' there at one point; but then it changed. SHE may possibly have 2 OTHER men 'going'; or is interested in 2 other men. But regardless... Even IF they 'tried again', it wouldn't work. He may STILL try, or HAS tried... But it's apparently, 'not meant to be'. They still say that he's 'working on himself' and needs to accomplish what he's 'setting out' to do. But there reaches a time when he will, apparently, 'contact' me. They said he HAS accomplished SOME things; others, he's still working on. The 'bridging the distance' between himself and what appears to be me, becomes 'important'. He's 'discontent' in his life, and apparently is 'realizing' that the life he's leading and HAS lead, is not the one 'he wants'. Again, Kings and Queens pairing... I find it SO funny that 'The King and Queen of Swords' come up, EVERY TIME, facing each other; it's when he finally decides to 'contact' me. Feelings are exchanged... They go on to say that for this 'union' to continue, 'forgiveness' and 'putting the past in the past, devoid of all ego' is a necessity; in order to have 'a new beginning'. So... HOW can I read all of that, and not come to the conclusion that it's with someone from 'my past'? Why else would 'forgiveness' be necessary; as well as putting past events IN the past, devoid of all ego... Which means despite what occurred, or how much 'it hurt'; in order to move FORWARD, these things are necessary. I wouldn't need to do any of that, if it were someone new... I'm capable of 'forgiveness' and ALL of that; but I don't want to end up in the same position that I ALWAYS do. I'll keep up with the cards... Things CAN change. People can change; if and when they WANT to... If this is someone that HAS caused me 'pain', which obviously it IS... I'd have to see some pretty significant changes. I DO want someone in my life; but 'dating' is just fine with me, rather than going through anymore 'heartache'. I've suffered enough of that, AND I'm going through more on other levels...

I just had, what I WANTED to be a 'discussion' with Blayze about the money he owes me; but MORE about the FACT that I CAN'T be dishing out money every month for OTHER people. ALL I asked him for was the money for the phone bill; HIS half is $51.00. So, because he doesn't HAVE it... I have to pay the FULL $102.00 phone bill; AGAIN. 3 months now... I'm gonna call and ask today if we can 'separate'; and Blayze can deal with HIS phone bill every month instead of ME. He wants his 'independence and freedom'... Well, PAYING your OWN bills is a BIG part of it. I am SO TIRED of my boys NOT caring about ME going without; which is WHAT I do CONSTANTLY. I NEVER would've let YOU go without, Mom; and DIDN'T. It didn't matter HOW 'bad off' I was. If YOU, My Mother NEEDED something; you GOT it; as long as it was within my means. I haven't asked for a 'lump sum payment' from Blayze... I've asked him to just give me SOMETHING. But, of course, HE'S only worried about himself and HIS 'obligations'. It doesn't matter what MINE are, or that I DON'T have what I need to cover BECAUSE of all the 'help' I've been giving him... Well, this bank is CLOSED. He better have money for the other things he HAS to pay and has a deadline; because I'M not covering it... Since I am NOT a priority to pay BACK; deal with it YOURSELF.

Well, I guess that's enough for now, Mom. You know I'll be back... Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Help me with MY 'Responsibility Challenged' family... I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well, I got ALL 4 rooms done in these last 2 days, and 2 of them rented. A lot of people that called are looking for tomorrow, same pay day as me... So, they'll fill up. The couple never showed back up or called about the studio I locked them out of, AND they thought it was OK to come SO late at night... For what? I'd say that if they didn't call me yesterday morning; or yesterday at ALL, it means they DIDN'T have the money for rent. They already got 3 days before getting locked out; one being an extra day because of the holiday... And frankly, I had so much on my PERSONAL plate, I forgot. So, did they come here, thinking they could 'sweet talk' me into letting them back in? THAT would be a 'NO'... I really HAVE gotten 'harder and colder' since being in THIS position.

It's funny, too... While I was cleaning the rooms, I was listening to music on my phone. The song 'Strip It Down' played; I thought to myself, "Wow... I haven't heard THIS song in a long time." I haven't either... Which made me think of other songs I haven't heard in a while, but they used to play CONSTANTLY. Lol When Ken and I broke up, I thought I was going to be 'haunted' by the songs; but I haven't been. A song that I've been hearing a lot lately... And I DO love the song... Is a Tim McGraw song called 'Humble and Kind'. It got to the point that I actually asked you, "Is this to remind ME to continue BEING me? Humble and kind?" Because SOMETIMES... I FEEL like... Well... I've definitely changed. Lol I can't say that I'm 'a bitch'; because the people PUSH me to where I get. If actions weren't taken to MAKE me 'a bitch', then I wouldn't BE one. I've spent my LIFETIME 'giving' to others; to include of myself... When I need to be 'Me', I AM 'Me'. But otherwise... I guess, look out. Lol 

Then later, I went on Facebook for a few minutes; and I saw this post: "A Man without a vision for his future, always returns to his past." Hmmmm... That got me thinking, too... About some of my 'issues' with men. I've had... 'Failed' relationships; I want to say 'a few'... But I've also been 'engaged', and never made it to the alter; or EVEN to make, so called 'wedding plans'. I had numerous reasons why... The men, themselves, were not 'up to par'; not JUST with how they treated ME, but also within themselves. No sense of priority or responsibility... Lacking in the 'sense of commitment'. Why would I want to continue to live THAT way? With someone that not only didn't treat ME right, but expected ME to be... Well, all that I WAS; the bread winner and provider... But THEY wanted it for themselves, as well; and I was not going to spend 'my life' with someone that I'M always THERE for... But it was never reciprocated. I TRIED to 'plan a future'; not just for myself, but WITH others... And it just never worked out. All of my 'experiences' in life, to include my marriage and divorce, made me 'afraid' of ever getting married again; but that didn't and DOESN'T mean I don't WANT it. Frankly, it's all I ever wanted... I never planned on having children, and for my life to be the way that it has been or is. My life has been, is and was planned 'FOR' me. I'd sure LIKE to have some say... Lol But it got me thinking about my relationship, especially with Ken. He always seemed to 'return to his past'; even while with me... Why? I showed him such love in the ways I was able to. I know our lives were 'rough'... Like I said before; we never got to fully 'explore' our relationship... And I guess I wonder if THAT'S why he did all that he did. I can't dwell on it... Because I DID want a 'future' with him; I DID want to 'get married' some day... But I NEEDED to KNOW that, one... I was his 'one and only'; two, it needed to BE that way for a year or two before I would've 'taken the plunge'. Then the job thing... I needed for him to have income, too; I didn't care from WHERE... He just needed income. I WANTED to build 'our future' so that we had a place to GO to from here. That wasn't gonna happen on just MY income. I want out of here, too... But I want somewhere to GO; and I don't want to be 'struggling' the way I HAVE been, NOT paying rent. I still feel the same way about leaving here; even though I'm on my own. I need to 'build' something toward my future; it's just NOW, it will take longer. As I always say... C'est lavie.

Blayze is, at least on his way... One down, ONE to GO!!! Lol Somehow... Josh has GOT to get 'settled down' with Sully so that I can have a life of my own. I want to DO things... Maybe travel a little. I'm seriously thinking about that RV idea for myself. Lol I'll get things more settled, and then I'll start looking. I just know I don't want to be doing this forever; and in reality, not really much longer. I'll do whatever I HAVE to do... But I really WOULD like to 'start living life' a little. I joke that I'm 'married to this building'; but it's pretty much true. Lol NOT what I want for a 'lifetime partner'... Lol

I did throw out some cards last night while I was trying to wind down... I hope I can remember the details of what they said. Lol I AM still trying to distinguish if it's 2 men... Or the SAME man in the cards... OK, trying to explain it is a little difficult, too. Lol Something showed that looked like it could've involved some sort of 'document'; legal of some sort maybe? Because 'The Justice' card was with 'The World'... With the cards around it, it kinda looked like a divorce or something; but I'm honestly not sure. It could have been as simple as some sort of 'deed'; but whatever it is, it involves the man and the OTHER woman he either has feelings for, WAS or IS involved with... And either he moved or will move; but the 'relationship', itself can be considered 'over'. I didn't see anything about 'love' with her; 'The Devil' was with her, which usually means they are their 'own worst enemy' and/or she stayed with him for the WRONG reasons, even though it wasn't a 'good' situation or relationship to BE in. They moved on to where I come into the picture... That's where all the 'love' cards come up. Now, either I know this man... Or something. They go on to say that either he's not happy with the life he's been living and wants the change; and wants it with me... OR... Oh God, Mom... It's one of my exes. Because it also means 'bridging a distance that needs to be bridged'. Either way, the man has been suffering 'heartache', and is NOT happy with the structure of his life. He knows where his 'happy place' is, but he's made decisions to 'disrupt' his 'happy place'. Kings and Queens paired; 'The King of Pentacles' and 'The Queen of Pentacles' were paired with 'The Ace of Cups'; which is the ultimate love... Feelings are shared between the two... Which, supposedly leads them both to their 'happy place'.

Mom... I've tried SO HARD to read the cards with no one from 'my past'; I've tried to MAKE them 'make sense' otherwise... And they don't. Mom... I don't want to 'relive' anything from my past; I deal with 'stuff' on a daily basis. PLEASE don't let anymore BS happen to me... I want a new life; a different life. I don't want to be 'used and abused' anymore... Especially by the one that claims to 'love' me. I want someone and something in my life; I just don't want to go through anymore of what I've ALREADY experienced. I just want to be, at least, somewhat 'happy'. Supposedly, this will lead to some happiness... But if it's with an ex... I don't usually go back to MY past. I tried it a couple of times; unsuccessfully. Lol They call them 'exes' for a reason or reasons. I just don't want to be 'broken' anymore; and frankly, I refuse to be. No man will ever 'break' me again. Love or like them... Never again, will I be 'broken'. I just want to be loved and loved FULLY... And if that's not possible, then I guess I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I don't ask for much; only what I GIVE. If it can't be reciprocated... Then C'est lavie. ;-)

NO Josh and Tori yesterday... At ALL. No call; nothing. The night before, they TOLD Sully, "We'll see you TOMORROW." You DON'T DO that to a child; or ANYONE, for that matter. I wonder WHAT was SO important that they COMPLETELY 'dissed' their CHILD??? Josh... You BETTER be prepared for what Sully will have to say to YOU when HE'S older and knows better about how BAD YOU 'screwed up'. You never had a problem telling ME that I "F-cked up' YOUR life, when ALL I did was work a job to SUPPORT you, AND be 'A Mother' to you. I was and AM a GOOD Mother... It's YOU that needs to 'cut the apron string'; or in Josh's case, the 'umbilical cord'. Lol He likes LIVING away from me; but when it comes to ANYTHING that needs to be done... WHO does he call on??? Me; that's right. I can get ALL the 'leg work' done FOR him, and he'll still manage to 'screw it up'. But then complain for YEARS about 'issues' HE hasn't taken action on to resolve. So, QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'!!! I'm NOT going to do EVERYTHING for you anymore. Get on your OWN two feet, and stop EXPECTING things to be done FOR you. I won't be here forever... And if I have MY way; not a whole lot longer. I DESERVE a life of my own... I EARNED it; and now it's THEIR turns. Like I said, Blayze is on his way... It's Josh; and, of course HE'S the one with a child. PLEASE HELP, MOM!!! Lol I'm almost 50 and would LIKE to 'start living'.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. You KNOW what I need for MY family... Lol I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I almost came in to write to you again last night; but then decided I'd just save it for the morning. I had one HECK of a day, and was exhausted. While I was resting and watching some TV, I was thinking about this site... Whenever I tell people about this, they say how "nice" and "special" it is; it definitely is to ME. Not only is it a 'record' of our 'relationship'; but it truly SIGNIFIES and 'symbolizes', even HOW our relationship WAS when you were here with me... At least, during the times I've been able to write either daily or almost daily. When you were here, Mom... We DID talk, whether in person or on the phone, pretty much on a daily basis. A day or two might go in between... But this HERE, is a lot of how we were 'in life'. My Best Friend, My Hero... My Trooper Mom.

So, to continue on that note... My day yesterday. Lol  I got 2 rooms set for re-rental, which leaves me with 2 today. The 2 left need more cleaning, though. Hopefully, I'll be able to get them done today; if not, I'll get 1 done and the other tomorrow. NOT killing myself... I'm out of my Fibro meds and can't fill them until Friday; and all that I HAVE been doing around here, has already been 'killing' me. Hopefully, David will get over thinking only about himself and what HE'S been going through... And everything will be fine for when he's out. If not... Well... Can't say I didn't try. But I'm NOT answering the phone when he calls JUST to get screamed at for everything I HAVE tried to do, NOT working. I'm sorry that it 'works for everyone else'... I didn't have a problem the ONE time I did it for someone YEARS ago; but I've had NOTHING but problems THIS time... And they are NOT MY FAULT. I TRIED EVERYTHING within MY means. But it ALSO pissed me off that ALL he seemed to care about was what HE'S been going through. I know jail is NO picnic and NOT a pleasant place to be... But MY life has been an ABSOLUTE HELL throughout his ENTIRE absence; and it doesn't seem to count or matter to him. Only HIS Hell does... Well... He's going through HIS in there; and I'M going through MINE out here. But with MY Hell... I'M responsible, not ONLY for the people in MY family; but for this ENTIRE BUILDING. I had to do my JOB on TOP of everything going on. What can I say... I'm over being 'bull' about it; and STILL tried to do EVERYTHING he 'screamed' at me over the phone. I tried the 'Inmate Deposit' suggestion he yelled... Got me an account with Western Union. I kept DOING it though to see if I could get the money TO him... It COSTS money to do things that way and others, number one; I didn't HAVE the money to pay for the cost. I BORROWED the money to SEND to him. But I kept going... Even the 'set up' that was SUPPOSEDLY for 'a prisoner'... Because THAT'S what I kept LOOKING for and CHOOSING... Required an ADDRESS that it be sent to; NOT an 'Inmate ID' and blah, blah, BLAH. To get a ride to the prison right NOW is NOT possible... But he'll fault me for THAT, too. There is apparently a machine in the lobby to put funds on account for inmates. Between what's been going on here, and the responsibility DROPPED on me... I can't and haven't been ABLE to go. Blayze works all day, every day and has my truck, for one. For me to get a ride over there... And during my business hours with WHAT I have going on... I have Sully, TOO. THEY never show up at a REASONABLE hour to take him. I gotta try to find a way to the jail; and by today, I think... In order for him to have the money by Sunday to pay people back. Then he gets out Tuesday... THANK GOD. When Tyson asked me about David and where he was... It put me in 'a spot'; David doesn't WANT people knowing WHERE he is. I immediately felt 'hot' all over... I do NOT like to lie; even for OTHER people. I told him about the warrants he needed to clear up from the 90's; but said he was 'with relatives'. GOD!!! I HATE when people do that to me, and THEN I actually AM questioned by someone 'that matters'. If Tyson was someone that 'didn't matter'; I could've said he went to CHINA and not cared. Lol Because frankly, it's nobody's business anyway... But Tyson, like Sarah... MATTERS. I did NOT like the predicament. It's over NOW; but STILL bothers me...

While cleaning rooms yesterday, of course... I can't just go in to clean and be left 'alone'. First one was on the first floor, and there are a few 'gentlemen' that really have it kinda 'bad' for me. It actually gets uncomfortable for ME, at times... Because of all the 'marriage proposals'; them telling me how 'beautiful' I look today; I look "especially beautiful while [I'm] cleaning", etc. Lol  It's sweet, don't get me wrong... But when you KNOW someone or 'people' have 'the hots' for you, and YOU don't reciprocate... It can get a little uncomfortable. Lol Sweet, sweet guys; just nothing or anyone that I would 'consider'. Oh, GOD... Don't let one of THEM be 'My Emperor'. Lol 

I threw some cards out last night, but was SO tired... I just STILL had a hard time JUST resting. So, I grabbed my cards. Things look like they may have 'changed' a bit; but like I said... I was exhausted. I'll throw some out again later if I have the chance. Cards kept falling out in BIG 'chunks' at times; so, a few of the times, I put them back in because I was unsure if that MANY should have fallen. I'm talking like 1/2" thick worth of cards at times... Maybe I should've read them. We always said, even when sitting to do the Celtic Cross, that if cards fall... Read them. Messages were 'all over the place'. THAT could've been because I was so exhausted, too. There's definitely more than one man though... One 'watching from a far', and another one that WILL 'come into my life' possibly. Apparently, the one 'watching' can't 'make up his mind', or keeps going 'back and forth' between me and someone else. If it's that hard of a decision... I say, go for HER. I don't want ANOTHER man that either HAS feelings for someone else, OR would 'turn' to another woman while with ME. I've had ENOUGH of that, thank you.

Men are so fickle... They have a hard time making decisions, telling the truth, staying faithful, dealing with responsibility... They're just 'overgrown children'. Lol Say they're not... When a child really wants something; even if you said 'no', what do they usually do? They 'sneak around' and do it ANYWAY. They lie if they need to, because they haven't 'learned' yet that lying is wrong; or they're LEARNING that it is. If they want something and you say 'no', it makes them want it MORE. It goes on... Tell me it's not true though...??? With men, a lot of the time, even though some will TELL you they're 'not a child'; 'you're NOT my mother', etc... That's exactly what they're looking for is a 'mother figure'; someone that will 'take care' of THEM, their wants and their needs. If they didn't 'act' so much like children, we wouldn't have to use the same kind of 'psychology' on them, we use on children... But we do. Lol A 'Real Man' KNOWS his priorities, and KNOWS 'right from wrong'; and CHOOSES to make the RIGHT decisions... Regardless of 'how hard' they are to make or perform. The RIGHT road, is NEVER the EASY road... A lot of people I've 'encountered' throughout my lifetime have NOT learned THAT yet, either. Anyway... I know they're 'out there', and there's SOMEONE that's supposed to bring ME some happiness. Let's see how long it will last... Lol I should write a book; "My Moments of Happiness". Lol Moments... That's what I get; moments.

Same crap with Josh and Tori... Didn't bring Sully home until 10:00 PM. I texted around 8:00 saying he should be home... Tori said he was eating dinner; GREAT. Eating dinner after 8:00 PM... When he SHOULD be home in BED. I said to bring him home RIGHT after. I had to text again at 9:30 that I was GOING TO BED. THAT got him home for 10:00. Things are GONNA change, or SO will their 'visitation'.

Then, there was this couple that I had to lock out yesterday; they were supposed to call me, come back with rent money... SOMETHING. Nothing... But THEY were here last night, ringing my bell and phone off the HOOK until I went outside to grab Sully from Josh and Tori. Sorry... My office hours are NOT past 9:30 and 10:00 at NIGHT. What... Am I supposed to just keep 'catering' to these people that show ME 'no respect'??? Done doing it. They didn't even so much as call yesterday to update me... I guess you're SOL showing UP at my door with WHATEVER excuse; because on my way back in with Sully... I said JUST that to them. Not that they were 'SOL'; but that "I couldn't help them tonight, I'm sorry..." is what I said, and shut the door. People are GONNA learn that when I say, "Keep me updated"; it MEANS to KEEP me updated... NOT to JUST show up at my door or CALL at YOUR convenience; especially SO late at night. If it had been 7 or EVEN 8:00; I would've considered it and helped them. But 9:30 and 10:00 PM??? NOPE. SOL... You SHOULD'VE called me EARLIER in the day.

OK, Mom. I guess that's it for now. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Please help MY family, not only to 'get going'; but with a LITTLE Common Sense??? I know... Not a flower that grows in everyone's garden; which is WHY I need YOUR help. Lol I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... OMG!!! Sorry to start off that way, but that's how my DAY is starting. Lol I got up at 6:00 and made my bed... I stood there, feeling a little 'lost', because I DIDN'T have anything ELSE to 'clean up'. Lol Usually, I have dishes to take to the sink and wash from Blayze and WHOEVER... I have to straighten my table and clean it off, etc. THEN, I walk out to the kitchen, and I had NOTHING to do out there either. Lol My table and cooking area were ALREADY neat and clean... I felt 'lost' and GREAT; all at the same time. Lol

But THEN... When I was done making my coffee and wanted to come in here... Someone was at my door and it wasn't even 6:30. Thank God it was only Lisa, but still... She wanted coffee and brought me some creamer she was gonna bring me last night; I'm out of sugar AND my sugar. I BOUGHT a 5lb bag the beginning of the month of sugar... Tori LOVES her sugar. Lol Anyway... That still took MY time that I like to have here in the morning to myself. Then, just before 7:00, the bell rang... It was Sue. She needed to know if she got paid, so I called for her. I told her it would be quick; but I always seem to have to 'get up and walk' people out of my office in order for them to 'get the hint'. Lol So, now it's 7:20 AM, and the first part of my morning, MEANT for ME, was... Like the REST of my life... 'Spent' on other people.

Mom... This SH-T has GOT to STOP. The only reason I even opened the door was because I knew Sue could hear me and Lisa talking. I've gotten REAL GOOD at ignoring the bell and the phone when it's NOT during my business hours. I'll still answer the phone... If I FEEL like it, or it's someone I know and want to talk to. I've gotten to the point of leaving it in my room while doing other things; JUST SO I won't be interrupted at what I'M doing for myself, or NEED to get done. Yesterday was a holiday. I had a sign on my door since BEGINNING of LAST WEEK saying I'd be CLOSED today; I also sent a memo to Monday renters. Did I get to NOT perform any 'work duties' yesterday??? Of COURSE not... I ended up RENTING a room to someone here in the building because she's been staying with another resident. He's BEEN telling her 'she needs to go', and even gave her a deadline of the end of April. Here we are, going into June, and she was STILL in HIS room. Why? Because she WANTED a studio or apartment, and one wasn't available. WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Rent a ROOM until something COMES available, and get OUT of the man's space like he REPEATEDLY said to. Then of course, I had to hear about "what an asshole" he is... I know he CAN be; but I ALSO know what it's like to be CONSTANTLY taken advantage of... And you NEED to END IT. She got her money... NOW, get your OWN place. Sorry... But I GET IT. But BECAUSE of all of that, and she and I are 'friends'... Ahem... I use the term lightly. I like her, but don't completely trust her. Anyway, because of all that, I was PUT in a position that I HAD to work on my HOLIDAY OFF. Thank you so VERY much. I was already busting my butt around HERE and THOSE were my plans for the day...

She had messaged me on Facebook about the room; I said I had it available. I said NOTHING about doing it 'TODAY'. I was making Sully and I some dinner; had JUST finished cooking it and was serving it when I heard the bell ring. Ignore... I washed up dishes, and heard a SLIGHT little knock. Ignore... I get in my room to eat with Sully, and there's a message saying she was heading down, then one that said she was here... So those were her I was ignoring. Well... I didn't SAY "Come down NOW", or ANYTHING of the sort. But AGAIN... People that think they're my 'friend', THINK they can just 'take advantage' of ANY situation... CLOSED or NOT. Then... What pissed me off more was her saying that she wasn't even gonna be STAYING here for a couple of days; she'd be back Thursday. REALLY??? THANKS, TINA!!! We COULD have done this DURING BUSINESS HOURS!!! On top of it, TWO different people came into my room while I was in there to TELL me that "Tina was waiting" for me out in the Common Room. Yup; I know. She can wait. JD had come by, too and I was visiting with HIM. Once I was done, THEN I'd deal with Tina... ON MY HOLIDAY OFF. Sorry... But WHAT AUDACITY!!! She was ALL 'apologetic' when I went out and 'waved' her into my office... I was making it CLEAR that I was UNHAPPY about the situation. When she gave me her 'faux apology', I said nothing at all; which basically indicates, "Say what you want. This is STILL unacceptable."

I was EXPECTING 2 people to move for this week... I now have 4 rooms on my docket, because 2 unexpected people moved. One, just 'up and moved out'; NO notice... Nothing. Handed Jenn his keys when she wouldn't let him talk to me because I was busy with Sully AND it was our day off. She told him to call me... He handed her his keys. OK... THIS was that 'GREAT Tenant' that I had to 'work on a Sunday' for to rent him the room, because Sarah didn't want to lose HIM or the rental opportunity. Yeah... GREAT tenant. Just up and leaves with nothing. Anyway...

Tori came to me last night looking for Josh... I hadn't seen OR heard from him; or EITHER of them, for that matter ALL day until that moment. Tori took Sully off for a while, but with the intention of him spending the night with them at a friend's house. I said that IF that changed, to CALL me; but I DIDN'T mean at 10:30 at NIGHT. Sully should've been IN BED already, asleep... I told them that I want him on a schedule; NO LATE NIGHTS. They need to start being 'day time' parents, for the LOVE of God!!! Anyway... Something's gotta give somewhere.

During one of my 'breaks' yesterday for lunch, I threw out some cards... They definitely 'progress'. They tell me pretty much the same things; just that, apparently, we're closer. 'Progress' and decisions are being made... I will, eventually, in the near future, 'hear' something from whoever this guy is. I hope so, because it's really got me curious as to WHO it is... I'm around SO MANY different men ALL the time; I'm just hoping it's NOT one of these guys. Lol 'Watching from afar' though... Could mean anything. Men have ALWAYS 'watched [me] from afar', because for SOME reason... I guess I appear 'unapproachable'...??? Even men have told me it's because my 'beauty is so intimidating'. Lol OK... I've seen men go after some pretty HOT women that were definitely 'out of their league'. I've had men approach ME that definitely were 'not up to par'. So, what is it? What's the difference??? That THEY 'appear' to be more of 'an easy mark' than Me? I've been told about my 'Aura', my 'presence'; ALL good things... The thing IS... I am SO 'approachable'. I'd never be cruel to anyone; unless THEY 'pushed the envelope' with ME. I'm just ME...

I know I'm not exactly a 'simple' person; easy to understand WHY I am the way I am... Or even WHO I am. But I've never asked for anyone to 'understand' me really; just to 'accept' me. I'm a 'complicated mess'; but at the same time, a 'Perfect Storm'... Do you have ANY clue, Mom how sick and tired I am of being told that I'm "every man's dream"? I've been told that a FEW times in my life; even by women. I find that amazing... Why am I? Because I cook, clean, take care of whoever is in my path, but especially my mate and family... I don't lie, cheat or steal. I can be trusted with ANYTHING; whether it be your heart, your money, your inner most secrets, or even your life. I do my BEST not to let anyone down... I wish more people thought like I do; the world would be a better place. But I have no control over that... I only have control over who is IN or OUT of MY life; so it would be NICE to find someone that could JUST 'accept' me. I guess we'll see, won't we? Almost 50, and it hasn't happened yet. Lol 

OK, Mom, it's just after 8:00 now, so I need to go get ready for the day... To clean at least one room. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Kick some BUTT down here within MY family, please... I could use your help. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Well, today is Memorial Day and I'll have the office closed for the day; but oddly enough, someone rang my bell BEFORE 6:00 AM this morning... But it WASN'T recorded. Talk about ticking me OFF!!! Of COURSE, the DVR wouldn't record outside my office activity at a time I wanted or needed it. Lol Just messed up... What else was messed up was that I got up a little before 5:00 AM to go to the bathroom; when I returned to my room, I made sure my door was shut tight, like I ALWAYS do. When the 'bell' incident occurred... I said out loud, "Are you KIDDING ME???" Rolled to look at my clock; and when I did, I saw that my bedroom door was OPEN...??? Yeah... OK. I must've had 'a visitor'. Lol  So, that was just THAT, and I got up. Lol So much for 'sleeping in' on my day off. Lol

I got a LOT done yesterday, though; in my room. I worked until just about midnight. Thank God it wasn't so hot and humid yesterday... I got all the clothes in my room done; Sully's separated into some drawers at the end of my bed instead of just 'in a bin'. It 'feels' so much BETTER in there, and starting to LOOK more like MY room. I'll get more cleaning done today and some laundry actually washed and done. I put A load in yesterday. Lol But was SO busy doing everything else, I just kept going on all of that. I have to be careful... I got SO close to finishing last night and had a bit of a scary attack; nothing like the others, thank God. The stress has been SO heavy on me these last several months... I popped some aspirin and a little xanax; rested a bit... Then continued. I made it through, but again, Mom... I HATE this!!! I may be 'old'; but I'm STILL too young for THIS crap. Anyway... Things are getting accomplished and it feels GREAT!!!

While Sully and I were eating lunch yesterday, I threw out cards... You KNOW how I have a hard time 'sitting still'. Lol  Well... They started off by telling me... Exactly how I feel and BEEN feeling; like 'giving up the fight'. They are telling me NOT to... That I have worked VERY hard at establishing myself in 'my work' and that I HAVE 'stood up for myself'; for me to continue to 'be myself' at what I do, because my 'work speaks for itself'. I basically, 'won the battle' to my situation here. Then they continued on... 'The Page of Cups', 'The Emperor' and 'The Empress'; all in one line. OK... For 'The Emperor' and 'The Empress' to come up TOGETHER signifies a union between 2 people that, at least signify 'husband and wife'; they could just FEEL that way about each other. Got my curiosity up; I don't HAVE an 'Emperor' anymore... I USED to. Apparently, it's the man that's 'watching me from a far' that also 'loves' me. The 'Page of Cups' means that he could be shy or intimidated to approach the object of his affections; but that he tends to give his 'love' freely... Like 'a child'. Whoever this man is... He's apparently 'working on himself', too; establishing himself. It looks to be, possibly emotionally as well as whatever else it is he feels he needs to accomplish 'before approaching' me. It LOOKS like it COULD 'turn out' to be something good...??? But also, apparently there may be another woman he may either be involved with OR is interested in/has feelings for, too; and there will have to be 'a moral choice' as to WHO he chooses. Now, you and I always said the cards are more of 'a counseling session'; and things CAN change, depending on the ACTIONS taken during the course. It APPEARS that he will choose to 'put her behind him', and 'move forward' with me. OK... So, WHO is my 'Emperor' NOW, Mom??? I'm not sure I'm real comfortable with the whole 'watching me from afar' thing... When that occurred in my past, I was being stalked; and the outcomes, at times weren't too pretty. Lol  I don't know... I'll just wait it out and keep doing cards. He'll either show up, or change his mind... Lol Meanwhile, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing; living this thing I call 'my life'. ;-)

Josh and Tori didn't come at all yesterday; they talked to him on the phone for a couple of minutes after WE called THEM. They were still sick, I guess... In all honesty, they didn't SOUND sick. It doesn't mean they didn't feel well, but Josh sounded 'normal', when the day before, he was 'dead on his feet' and still managed to come for a little bit. OK... It caused Sully to start 'acting out' for ME; which in turn, caused me to have to 'punish' Sully. FAIR??? Not really... But I can't let Sully act 'out of control' at ANY time; not even when his 'feelings' are hurt. He may as well learn NOW, that you DON'T get in life, everything that you WANT. As a matter of fact, life is MORE about what you HAVE to do; NOT 'what you want'. You have to EARN what you get; and that includes the RESPONSE you get from PEOPLE. You GET what you GIVE; and he may as well learn it now. There will always be 'exceptions to the rule'... In everything. Again, that's life; trial and error; live and learn. But the KEY word is 'LEARN'. Learn from your mistakes and DON'T REPEAT them. Wasn't the FIRST time around, getting hurt or 'screwed over', lesson enough? Or if you're the one 'on the other side of the coin'; causing the anguish... Learn that it WILL come BACK on you; ten fold. Karma is TRULY the 'Biggest Bitch' ANYONE will EVER have to face. Then... Your 'Judgement Day'. Hmmmmm... SOOOOOO many people I WOULDN'T want to be, the day THEY have to 'face God'. The day you actually 'experience' ALL the pain AND the glory you caused others... Even though I've had a 'hard life', the day I 'face God'... I should be OK.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Please continue to watch over my family... A good, swift Angel kick in the butt would be appreciated. Lol  I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Wow, was yesterday a hard day. The older I get, the more I empathize with how difficult it was for you in the heat and humidity to breathe. I have SO MUCH I want to get accomplished now that my apartment is FINALLY 'emptied out'... And I have to 'take breaks' CONSTANTLY because I'm 'worn' and having trouble breathing. I'm fine once I'm sitting. Lol But THAT'S not funny... Lol I'm laughing while writing to you, but it truly bothers me. I'm old, Mom... I'm a lot of what I remember of you... And THAT BOTHERS me. I haven't had the extent of the medical issues that YOU had, THANK GOD... I just mean physically; losing my strength, and the weakness and fatigue. We know I'm my Mother's Daughter otherwise... Lol And PROUD to be. ;-)  It's definitely a burden, admittedly... But it is what it is. No escaping it, THAT'S for sure. I've tried a few times... Unsuccessfully. Lol  But anyway... Hopefully, today I'll be able to get some more stuff done PRODUCTIVELY. Blayze said it's supposed to be even HOTTER today... GREAT. I guess we'll see...

I have to say that in a way, I feel like Blayze is 'deserting' me in WAYS. Not with the job... I'm HAPPY about him moving on with that. It's more personally. He's owed me money for, going on 3 months now... HE gets paid WEEKLY now; I get paid MONTHLY. He said he's waiting for his Social Security deposit to pay ME back. WHY??? It's NOT that MUCH!!! He could've even paid me in payments... But I NEEDED the money; I haven't been able to buy food in 3 months. I'm BUYING myself some food this coming month; and he BETTER pay me for HIS phone... Or it might get shut off. I don't know... I JUST CAN'T KEEP PAYING OTHER PEOPLE'S BILLS!!! Especially when they DON'T feel it's any 'hurry' to pay ME back when I'M STRUGGLING!!! Another thing... This morning, I just asked him to carry some HEAVY bags down to the basement for me. He was HESITANT!!! It was because HE needs to 'rest' for work... OMG!!! Are you KIDDING ME??? Well... I'll tell ya then... If things are gonna change THAT much? Then things are gonna change THAT much on MY end, too. I'll finish the laundry I have; but from HERE ON OUT... He's ON HIS OWN. Also... I won't COVER him again monetarily since there's 'no hurry' in paying ME back, because everyone ELSE he owes comes FIRST. OK... DONE. I'VE been living on peanut butter and canned vegetables while HE gets to buy groceries. NICE. I'm also feeding Sully... Thanks, Blayze. So glad I could help you out. ;-)

I remember when I was raising THEM... It didn't matter how WELL off I was, or how BAD off I was; I saw to it they AND you had what was needed. I paid for your cell phone and AAA for YEARS... I felt you should have a phone WHENEVER you left the house BECAUSE of your medical issues. You should also have AAA in case of a vehicle emergency. YOU couldn't afford either of these things, so I provided them FOR you. ANYTIME I went to your house, I checked your frig and cabinets. If you didn't have enough food; I GOT you food or gave you MONEY for food. If you wouldn't take the money... I just went shopping FOR you. I bought you clothes when you needed them; I paid your car insurance when you couldn't... I was just THERE FOR YOU. I could sit here and write a BOOK about the MULTIPLE things I did as a DAUGHTER for her MOTHER... Because MY Mother was ALWAYS there for ME. Never mind what I did as a Mother for my children and STILL DO. Well... Shouldn't it be MY turn? Just sayin'...

Just like, because Josh was always 'a playa' and couldn't seem to keep it in his pants; I always told HIM that if he ever got a girl pregnant... Not to even THINK about dropping a child on MY doorstep. Well... What's wrong with THIS picture? Lol I'M supposed to be DONE raising kids and living my OWN life!!! JUST being a GRANDMOTHER. Instead, I'm a VERY involved Grandmother, RAISING her Grandson for the MOST part. They called early afternoon yesterday... Sick... But were going to run errands, like getting some food; OK. Then I didn't hear from them AGAIN until almost 7:30 PM; and they wanted to see Sully. OMG, REALLY???!!! But I said OK; got him cleaned up and ready to meet them at the door. They said they'd be here in 10 minutes... Try 8:00; then spent 45 minutes with him. Beyond sad... PATHETIC. I took Sully inside... Crying; got him calmed down and in bed. Let's see what TODAY brings... ???

GOOD news is that when Tyson was here yesterday to collect and check up on Blayze (Lol), he saw the positive change around here; that everything was the way we discussed. Though, when Josh & tori came to see Sully last night, Tori tried REAL HARD to get INTO the building, despite EVERYTHING I said to them the day prior; unsuccessfully. Nothing she said or did in attempt made it 'OK', I'm sorry. But anyway... GOOD news!!! After all was said and done, before Tyson left, he asked me what the name was of 'my friend' that I wanted to bring on to take Blayze's place... That would be David. They're gonna give him a trial run for an allotted period of time. If he works out, he stays. If he doesn't, he leaves. AGREED!!! He'll work out... Lol David is a 'neat clean freak' like me; will DO the job WITHOUT being told or asked. He comes in the office LOOKING for work to do; unlike Blayze, who I have to CONSTANTLY hound, and it STILL won't get done for quite a while. Recently, I had him deliver 3 WEEKS worth of receipts; I stapled together the people that had multiples. I got them all in order for him and THEN said, "Here. There are 3 weeks worth that need to be delivered. They GOTTA go. I've been handing them out to people as I think of it." With David, that box will ALWAYS be empty and I won't have to deliver stuff myself; as I shouldn't. I'm sorry... THEY can say what they want; but a business is a business... And for WHAT I do and HOW I DO it; they should be grateful because I also MAKE them A LOT of money by KEEPING this place FULL. We have people that 'come and go' from here. They travel, but they choose THIS place to rent when in NH; and it's for MONTHS at a time. Why? Because of ME... Not 'Duperron Properties'. It's not even JUST the building... It's ME; PERSONALLY. I'm the reason they return HERE. EVERYONE says I "Run a tight ship"; because I DO. Sorry I can't control EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. But I could sure use the help on the things I've ASKED you for. ;-) Because THOSE 'low lifes' I CAN'T get out of the building WITHOUT you... And YOU'RE making ME 'look the fool' by ALLOWING it to continue; so THANK YOU. ;-) But anyway...

There's a part of me that DOES just want to get out of here... But WHERE would I go? What would I DO??? I'm kinda 'stuck' right now... And sorry... I'm not paying rent and losing ALL my money for a piece of crap place where I'm just miserable ANYWAY; so what's the sense in leaving now? Sometime down the road, I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll get MYSELF an RV and do that traveling... By MYSELF, I should be fine; or with David. HE'S back, so we could maybe do that together eventually. All I know is, I want my freedom; at least eventually. I know I'm stuck right now; I have to deal with seeing to it that Sully is all set. If they can't manage it, well... I'll cross that bridge. Blayze said at one point, HE'D be willing to raise Sully if it weren't for his plans; and I WANT him to follow through with HIS plans. His life shouldn't be 'messed up' because his BROTHER had a child... But neither should mine. HOWEVER... Neither should Sully's. HE deserves a chance in life; he's the real 'victim' here. WE'RE all adults; HE was just 'born' into the situation... How unfortunate for HIM. But if I got an RV, I could live in it. Park it where I wanted to live 'for the moment', and drive my truck for regular travel. When driving the RV, use a tow dolley on the back for my truck. Hey... I drove a 24' UHaul with my car towed on the back of it ALL the way home to NH from FL; I think I can handle it. Lol ;-) 

Well, these are all just thoughts I have rolling around, Mom. I need to try and figure out WHAT I want to do 'from here'. Of course, nothing I ever try to 'plan ahead' for, works out anyway. Lol How many times have I tried to 'plan a future'? Yeah... And you WONDER WHY I 'live by the seat of my pants'??? LOLOLOLOL  Because hardly anything ever works out, Mom; especially when it's important to me, or means something to me. All I usually end up with is 'disappointment' or 'hurt'. That's why I've been so 'on guard' with men... I'm not going through it again. They can say and do what they want; but the bottom line is... They always do the RIGHT things to GET me; but don't CONTINUE them to KEEP me. I don't change... I'm always me... Until I'm PUT into a situation to act OTHERWISE; and I don't LIKE acting 'otherwise'... Because it's NOT me. I'm a 'Power Woman' in BUSINESS... But in LIFE; I just want to be loved, but loved with your ALL... Nothing more or LESS. When you SAY something to me, I want you to MEAN it. When you DO something for me, I want it to be because you WANT to; NOT because you 'feel you have to' or you're 'obligated to'. I want you to want to be near me because you WANT to be; not because we live together and 'that's how it is'. I want you to look at me and FEEL me in your heart and soul... Like I would you. I thought I had that... Once; despite all the 'issues' we had. I was apparently so VERY wrong, and I DON'T want to 'fumble' like that EVER again. I'M good at helping OTHER people... I guess I'm just not so good at it with myself sometimes. I KNOW things and sense things ABOUT the man; even when I first meet him. Just from there, I tend to 'go with the flow', give a little 'benefit of the doubt' to see what OTHER qualities they have; because EVERYONE has 'good' in them. It's just that unfortunately, sometimes the 'bad' ones tend to override. Thing is... I'm not looking for 'perfect'; NO ONE is 'perfect'. The MAIN things I guess you could say 'I demand' are that you carry your own weight because I'm DONE supporting other people; you're ALWAYS honest with me and NOT 'a liar'; you're always FAITHFUL to me is a BIG one, which includes 'online activity', as well as 'when you're away from me' activities... NO 'Anger Issues', because I'm done with being called names and put into categories of which I do NOT belong; as well as my belongings getting broken, and my residence being damaged. Does ANY of that seem 'unfair' or 'unreasonable'??? The rest is basically HOW you are, TOGETHER. I guess that's where I was so 'confused' about my relationship with Ken... We seemed to be SO happy and 'in love'; why did he do the things he did? Why did he even NEED anyone else? I know OUR situation was 'complicated'; we never really got the chance to even 'experience' what our relationship WOULD have been like... Unfortunately; due to our 'living arrangements' all the time. But even IF we did... Would he still have done the same things to me? Would he still have cheated? I'll never know... Because we never had the opportunity. So, all I can say is what I've said my entire life whenever something I wanted, DIDN'T work out... C'est Lavie... And life goes on.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for today. I have tomorrow off, too, so hopefully I'll be able to get what I want to, accomplished. A friend wanted me to go see Michael Allman with her today; a 'Girl's Day'... But I just REALLY need to get things done. So, I'll leave you with asking you to watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. Give my Little Poopy a little Angel Kiss for me, will you? I miss him so... Watch over MY family; you know what we need. Lol I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... Yes, it's early. Lol I know, but what can I do? I'm not just gonna lay there while my mind is racing a hundred million miles per minute. Lol So... I figured, just GO make your coffee and spend TIME with Mom. So here I am. :-D  Hey... At least I'm smiling about it. Lol  I WASN'T SMILING yesterday... But it was SO nice and 'peaceful' to get UP to NO ONE in MY room; my apartment SO 'uncluttered' and looking MORE LIKE 'an apartment'... I still have work to do, GOD knows; but it's SO much more pleasing, not only to the eye, but to the 'senses'. Lol It's 'calming'... I'm back to the 'flip over' of making my bed. Lol I sleep alone, and I'm not a 'restless' sleeper. So I only need to 'flip over' the covers where I sleep and straighten the pillows, and VOILA!!! Bed made. Lol  Whenever another person sleeps WITH me, it's a major project. Lol So, these changes are NICE. But yesterday... I could've done without. I DO HOPE there's a 'silver lining' in THIS cloud. The cards keep saying that no matter what... I'll be fine. But let me fill you in on yesterday's HELL.

First, I managed to get a ride to go see David. THAT was the GOOD part of my day... He was pleasantly surprised to see me; he wasn't expecting me. But, Mom... WHY am I having ALL the PROBLEMS I am when I go to try and HELP HIM??? It doesn't matter WHAT I try to do... From the VERY beginning; I couldn't get information on him because they wouldn't GIVE it to me. However, I got an EX-CON to call and they gave it to HIM. I went online and got a deal where you get a phone number for an inmate connected to your CELL PHONE; first month is FREE. After that, you pay a monthly charge. I only NEEDED it for a month, so it was PERFECT. It has NEVER WORKED!!! I sent him the info; he's called it and it WON'T go through. Yet EVERY time I try to call the number to get hold of the company, THAT won't go through EITHER. Can you spell FRAUD??? THEN... SEVERAL times yesterday, I tried to go online on the Inmateaccount.com to put $20 on account for him... IT WON'T LET ME!!! It keeps leading me to OTHER SITES, and JUST WON'T let me DO what I WANT to do!!! WHY???!!! I called the NUMBER ON THE SITE, and it DIDN'T WORK. WHY??? Mom... This is JUST INSANE. I told him I kept EVERYTHING that I had TANGIBLE to PROVE to him all I've done... He said he believes me, thank GOD. I would NEVER just let him sit there and ROT. If I had the money, I would've bailed him OUT!!! I call his brother Tim, and get nothing but a busy signal. So he had me call him at work... I left a message and he never called me back. I said it wasn't 'life or death', but that it WAS important; it was about his brother. I may just have to write him ONE last letter to tell him to get the people's ID's that he OWES money to, so that we can compensate them when he's out; somehow. We'll figure it out... I NEVER had this problem when I was dealing with Ray in jail; WHY am I having it with DAVID??? MY BROTHER!!! Ray was 'just some guy' I ended up having 'feelings' for, and it ended up 'helping me through' part of the very lonely time I was taking care of you... Someone asked me if I'd be willing to write to someone; I said, "Sure..." We ended up 'liking' each other a bit more than 'friends'; but I ended it right before he got out. I 'sensed' a few things; but that's neither here nor there... Anyway, David will be out on June 7, THANK GOD!!! And THAT Hell will be over.

But when I returned, Tyson was here... We had a VERY long discussion; and as he put it, not just as 'employer/employee'... He also talked to me "as a friend". Everyone, besides me, is 'distraught' over the Josh & Tori situation because it STILL isn't resolved; and despite what THEY think, it's 'affecting the business'. The first question though, was about Blayze and did he move; yes. Then it was about that he hasn't vacuumed yet, so I told him that Blayze still intends to help out for a bit until we get things figured out; but that will be with trash and small stuff. He'll do the vacuuming this ONE last time because he 'owes' it. Tyson said he wasn't sure that Sarah was gonna like it... I said, "Why? You both SAID he could move into a ROOM???" But he hadn't done the vacuuming yet... OMG!!! SO MUCH has been forgotten... Like when Ken and I were first down here, and Blayze used to help me out by COVERING for Ken. He used to help with the trash, help me ONCE in a while with a room; he'd help carry heavy stuff; do dump runs with them... Then, when he OFFICIALLY started working here, he was still living in #101 and PAYING RENT. His ONLY 'perk' was getting his laundry done BY ME down in the basement. Oh GLORY!!! He could've used his MONEY more; but the ones that already HAD money needed MORE, I guess... So HE worked for FREE, and NOW can't 'catch a break'; and neither can I. So, he has to have the vacuuming done by 2:00 today, or he loses the room AND won't be allowed to move back in with me. Now, THERE'S some appreciation for ya... But I didn't bother to get into all the details.

Then the concern, OF COURSE, was, "How we're going to deal with turn around since you're not capable of cleaning the rooms..." deal again. So I did MY speel of, "Since when do I NOT 'suck it up' and do whatever needs to be done, Tyson? And I WANT you to answer me that." He DIDN'T give me an actual 'answer'; just, "I know, but..." then continued on talking. So I plugged in that WHENEVER a room or apartment NEEDED me; I WAS THERE. It didn't matter if Blayze was around to clean it or NOT; I was there if it needed MY touch in ANY way. If I felt it was 'too overwhelming' for Blayze to JUST 'go get started'; I'd go pack up the room or apartment, and then tell HIM to clean it, OR even HELP him clean it if I felt it needed ME. I PAY for it physically afterwards; for a considerable amount of time... But I DO IT. He couldn't deny it... We talked about SO MANY different things... Then I bottom lined it: "Why don't I just leave then? My life and 'my baggage' is obviously causing you and your family too much aggravation; and I certainly don't want to be responsible for that, as well as costing you THOUSANDS of dollars." There's an issue going on in court right now, because of MY apartment and how THEY went about 'establishing' it. Things were going fine... Until, especially Jay and Nim parked THEIR van RIGHT outside the building and slept there. THIS was done WITHOUT my knowledge AND/OR permission. The MOMENT I found out, I told them they COULD NOT do that; but the 'shit' already hit the fan apparently, and it was 'too late'. Complaints had GONE to the City about it. But when I 'suggested' that I "just leave"; that didn't seem to be 'the resolution' he and Sarah are looking for... Because I suggested it numerous times. All they want is for the 'chaos and drama' with Josh and Tori to END; so do I. They want to figure out HOW we're going to manage the work that... And I love how he put this... That I'VE labeled as 'Maintenance'. Lol  So, now "I'VE labeled" the positions; OK... When I got ASKED to do this position, the titles were 'Manager, Asst. Manager and Maintenance'; so how did I 'label the positions'??? Lol He said, "That's JUST how we do things..." Yeah. OK. So, I guess I created THOSE, TOO!!! Lol I DID add 'Building' onto the beginning of 'Manager', because when I did something on Facebook, it 'classified' me as such; and it was 'fitting'... Sarah didn't have a problem with it up to THIS point with an additional WORD. Lol But, whatever... I guess I "labeled" the positions. Lol I DID label Jenn's 'Housekeeping', because SHE is NOT my Assistant Manager; SORRY!!! Lol  But anyway... Tyson made it VERY CLEAR that they 'love' me here; they just need to 'fix' the issues at hand in order to, basically, 'save the business'. Just wow... I went in and told Josh and Tori that they are no longer 'allowed' IN the building; that they have to meet me down at the door to pick up and drop off Sully. I explained why... I started off with I didn't want to get yelled at, or lectured; nothing of the sort because THIS was not MY doing. I had just had an hour and a half meeting with Tyson. Of course, Tori feels it's 'unfair' and Sarah is 'a cup'... Etc. Well... YOU both should've GOTTEN OFF YOUR ASSES, ALL of the times Blayze and I WOKE you up to GET things accomplished; but you DIDN'T. So... WHO is to blame??? And WHO is at risk of LOSING EVERYTHING??? Me, Sarah and Tyson; THAT'S WHO. Because they WERE WINNING the fight in court against the City UNTIL, especially Jay and Nim added to the equation. Now... It COULD be a 'losing fight'. If it is, it will cost either a BOAT LOAD of money to 'reconcile' the situation; or they just 'give up' the business. Again, the cards say that whatever the outcome, I'll 'be OK'. Of course, aren't I always? Lol I'm a survivor... I always stand on my two feet; even if I'm on my knees at the moment, CRAWLING... I'll get there.

So... As usual, the 'heavy load' is STILL on MY shoulders; and I just find it funny that it ALL started because of something THEY didn't do RIGHT. But the FINAL 'cost' will be out of MY hide... As usual. They HAVE the money; I don't. Not that they should be going through all of this EXTRA BS... They shouldn't; but neither should I. Sometimes, I WISH I were the type of person that could just RUN AWAY... But I'm not. I just keep on truckin'... At least SOME people show me some appreciation. The lilacs are in bloom and have been; just ONE of our favorite flowers, Mom. We have a bush right out in the Common Yard, and people have been picking me BEAUTIFUL bouquets for my office and apartment. The SMELL is so wonderful; it brings me back to our house, Mom... The bush on the end of the driveway. We'd open the door and window, and the smell would breeze on through... Mmmmm... After you died, every now and then I'd say to the boys, "I smell purple". I could smell the scent of lilacs... I knew you were 'present'. The ONLY thing I don't like is as they die, the little purple flower pieces fall and make SUCH a mess; I'm constantly sweeping them up. Lol But it's a small price to pay... :-D I just threw away the last two bouquets last night.

Well... There's a whole lot more I could write, Mom; but I got up at 5:00 AM and I've been in here since 5:45 AM... People actually started contacting me at 6:00 AM!!! Someone SHOWED UP at my office at 6:30 AM. I expect her every Saturday morning to pay rent QUICKLY, then leave. However... THIS morning, she looked at me and said, "I gotta talk to you." GREAT... She was here until 7:20 AM. Other people have been texting and messaging me... Lol SEE??? I just can NEVER get TIME to myself. I wouldn't WANT it to the extreme on the OPPOSITE side of the spectrum; I wouldn't want NO ONE to want to talk to me, or like me... But I COULD use just a LITTLE 'Me Time'. Lol But anyway...

So, I'll end here asking you to watch over Mom and Dad. Please help Sarah and Tyson with 'this fight'. Whatever obstacles are in their way, PLEASE help 'remove' them... Also, please help ME help my family. Or better yet; I'M doing ALL I really can... So, how about you help my family HELP THEMSELVES??? I think THAT would be a better plan. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... I'm not gonna spend too much time this morning, because it's Friday and I wanna go take my full shower. I actually DON'T have to 'put myself off' for anyone else this morning... Not Lisa, or Blayze... Lol I have my own ROOM!!! Lol I intended to write more last night, but as usual, I couldn't... So it was just 'short and sweet'. Lol But I had to come tell you the good news. Right after I got in here though, Josh got back with Sully, and I had to get him ready for bed.

Blayze got home with this BIG smile on his face last night and said, "Let's go in the office." Well, THAT was just unusual. Lol Then I caught on... He said his boss, Tom cut his check for him last night JUST so he could rent the room. Blayze is doing SO WELL with this guy, Mom... He's the owner of the company, and Blayze is his 'Right Hand Man'. He has been talking to Blayze about sending him out on jobs by HIMSELF!!! He's doing THAT WELL!!! I'm SO proud of him, Mom... I've been 'grooming' him in business and 'life skills'; he's learned SO much... And NOW he's learning a new trade. I had to get him back on track after his 'journeys' with Josh and all the years of 'brainwashing'. Thank GOD he's so aware now... He just came walking up the hall from HIS room. Lol How sweet is that? :-D He hasn't been able to do the vacuuming in a couple weeks; but believe me... I've seen the building look SO MUCH WORSE. It actually doesn't look that bad, considering. I'm actually kinda surprised... But BECAUSE he hasn't and Sarah and Tyson KNOW he's working another job... They've been HOUNDING me about the vacuuming and WHEN is he gonna DO it and HAS he done it yet. I've also noticed Sarah putting Tyson 'at the HEAD of the chain of command' a lot as of late. Is she 'grooming' HIM? Trying to teach him the business? Get HIM to be more like her father? Tyson texted me yesterday about it; I didn't get it right away because I was really busy. When I DID get it, I really didn't want to answer it. Lol WHAT was I gonna SAY??? Then I got a text from Sarah saying "Tyson texted you". Yeah... I KNOW. So I told her the truth. "Sorry, I was busy, didn't have my phone for a bit... I told him, he said he's gonna do it. That's all I can say." I didn't get a response... Good, because I didn't want one. I can NOT be responsible for OTHER people's actions, or LACK there of. I can not MAKE people DO things... Or NOT. Just like they THINK that they tell ME NOT to do some things, but that I DO them anyway... No. I get PUT into PREDICAMENTS where OTHER PEOPLE DO what THEY are TOLD NOT to do what Sarah doesn't want; then I get reprimanded because SHE thinks I ALLOWED it. Just great... I'm ONE person. I'm real good at what I do... But I wonder how SHE would do LIVING HERE doing MY job and NOT receiving a PAYCHECK??? Living the SAME WAY I AM??? Would SHE think it's 'such a sweet deal'? The CONSTANT interruptions in HER life, NO peace, NO time to yourself, NO SPACE to yourself, having to LIVE with your HELP and being STOLEN from... Etc, etc, ETC. ALL the 'accommodations' I have to make to see TO IT I don't get stolen from, that she actually found 'funny'; like hiding my COFFEE in my OFFICE, in my WORK area... In a drawer where I store supplies so that it's under CAMERA VIEW, to ensure it does't get STOLEN from me again. How SAD is THAT??? But SHE found it funny... I don't. I'm TIRED of ALL of it.

I was actually thinking last night about MAYBE I should start looking on Craig's List to see if I can find a CHEAP RV for sale; Josh and I have seen them before for around $700-800 because people just wanted to get rid of their OLD one... They bought a NEW one. Josh is gonna need help raising Sully for at least a little while, and we NEED to ensure that Tori does NOT get him. Perhaps if we got an RV and lived in one for a while, parked somewhere cheap... We could afford to live together for a while and raise Sully. Then I'd KNOW that Sully was being RAISED, for one; and we could get him into the programs and so forth that he needs. Also, we could just 'move' to wherever we NEEDED to be or go; and I'd have my truck for regular travel. Something I'm 'contemplating'... I might talk to Josh about it today... We NEED to do something. Do I WANT to 'live' with my son? NO!!! He drives me CRAZY!!! HIS way of life is NOT mine!!! At this point in my life, I wouldn't mind traveling around in an RV; but I'M an ADULT!!! WE have Sully... WE need to look out for HIM. I wanted to be able to live my OWN life by now... I wanted to be DONE 'raising kids'. :'(  Mom... I WANT my FREEDOM!!! But as usual, I CAN'T have it... Because I have a Grandson that needs me and a son that's really JUST not 'capable' of doing what's right at THIS point; so AGAIN, as usual, I have to 'take the reins'.

Mom, when I was younger, I had SO many hopes and dreams... What happened? So many people are 'allowed' to have in their lives what they WANT. Why aren't I? Even just a little? I know I have 'my purpose'; but does it have to 'override' my life ENTIRELY??? There's no doubt in my mind that I'm 'an old soul'... Who WAS I in a previous life, that I needed to 'bear all these crosses' in this ONE to learn the lessons I've learned? I must have been a mean, vindictive, selfish, abusive person on so many levels... And probably in 'different lives' to have to go through all I have in THIS one. Well... I keep trudging through; on 'Auto Pilot'. I don't know what else to do... I 'Just DO it', like you raised me to do.

OK, Mom, I gotta go take a shower. It's Friday... Please watch over Mom, Dad and Poquito. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hey, Mom... What a day. Had to get up at 5:00 this morning to do some running around with Blayze to straighten a few things out. Things went well for the most part. Last stop was Social Security, and I find it funny how EVERY TIME we show UP there, his situation is being worked on JUST TODAY. Lol How ironic... Probably because we have to put his SSN in the machine to say that we're THERE to SEE someone, and it gives the HEADS UP. Lol So, he had JUST done a 'Manager to Manager Email' to see what's going on with Blayze's money... I made a point to say that it would be NICE if John Murray would just return a PHONE CALL to INFORM us of this stuff so that we didn't have to WASTE a good portion of our day, rather than just TWO MINUTES of his time. So he made a note of that... So, we'll see what happens from here. I WILL be writing that letter of complaint; you KNOW I will... And John Murray's name is just ONE that will be named.

We ARE approaching the beginning of June, and I WAS invited to take a trip to FL... But due to the circumstances in my life at this time, I had to decline; but it WOULD have been a BLAST!!! Everything would've taken less than a week, and I would've gotten to ride back in a BIG tractor trailer... It's been SO long since I've done ANYTHING exciting on THAT level. Remember when I was 18, Mom, and just came home from work one day and said, "I'm going to FL!!!" I had NO CLUE at the time what DEVASTATION I caused you... And I'm SO SORRY. I got MY karma; don't YOU worry. Lol Over and over... Lol But I guess all 'adventurers' NEED to do that, don't they? And we BOTH know that I lived life 'by the seat of my pants'... ALWAYS on the edge. Lol I guess SOME things don't change much, do they? Lol I still do; it's just in a 'different' way... If I didn't have the 'responsibilities' in life that I do... I'd probably still 'trip'; at least once in a while. Lol I LIKE 'hitting the road' once in a while'; what can I say? It was exciting... But life changed; and I HAD to 'settle down'. But I'm SO SORRY that I hurt you, Mom... I NEVER meant to cause you heartache; but I did... A lot throughout my lifetime... And I'm sorry. I know I 'made up' for it, so to speak, as I grew... You ALWAYS introduced me as, "The BEST, most WONDERFUL Daughter in the World..." I know I earned that; thank you. <3 YOU, were and ARE the BEST, most WONDERFUL MOTHER in the World... I COULDN'T have been more fortunate; and I KNOW that. My BEST Friend... My Hero in life; my soul mate. I know you know I miss you; I just hope you know HOW MUCH... <3

Anyway... I was throwing out some cards earlier; I try to keep 'updated', because my life just changes so much, day to day. I'm a little confused about what's going on with the whole Tori and Sully situation; so I'm gonna have to read on that again... It was TOO short and sweet. Then it just went on about 'Men' again... It's REALLY NOT what I WANT to know about right now; but apparently, there's SOMEONE that's 'watching me from afar'. It says that, whoever they are, are 'undertaking a series of tasks' to figure out an approach; but they may or may not ever TAKE the approach... They may decide to basically 'back off'. That had a whole series of cards that basically said that this person is 'in love' with me...??? So, who-EVER it is, may or may NOT approach me at some time. Then it ended with the card that usually comes up for Tom, and him contacting me; but ME as the 'Queen of Swords'... And THAT was the last card. Lol So, apparently, I won't exactly be 'receptive'. Lol  Hey... He's 'silver tongued' when he WANTS to be, and an ASSHOLE at other times. Lol I think I've 'endured' enough of THAT to last me SEVERAL lifetimes. Lol  So... WHOEVER they are, it wasn't WHAT I was looking for, but whatever. I just ask for 'updates' on my life; so I guess I get them. Lol 

OK, Mom... I gotta go give Sully a shower. While I was gone today, no one ELSE could seem to take it upon themselves, so... Meme' to the rescue... As usual. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

HE DID IT! HE RENTED HIS OWN ROOM!!!

I just HAD to tell you before the night was through, Mom... Lol I FINALLY have my OWN room. YES!!! But it's STILL emotional... He's my son, and I love him. But I have my OWN room!!! Lol

OK, Mom... Lol I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Morning, Mom... What an exhausting day yesterday. Between everything with Tom, having Sully ALL day (Josh & Tori didn't show up AT ALL until 6:00 PM), everything I had going on here at work... I TOLD everyone I wanted them cleared out BY 10:00 PM so that I could shut the TV off and go to sleep. Well... Apparently, I JUST went to sleep sometime a little before 10:00. Lol I just couldn't hold out. I've BEEN saying that things need to change around here; and they DO, and are GOING to. There isn't going to be anymore 'late night cooking'... A couple nights ago, and FOR a couple nights, Tori asked to make homemade fries again; I said "no"... Because she asked to make them PAST 7:00 PM; which means that she will be there LATE, making a MESS in MY kitchen. No thank you... If she had asked around 4 or 5:00 PM; OK, and then gotten RIGHT TO IT. But don't ask at THAT time, and say "can I make them LATER." The answer will be "No". NO MORE LATE NIGHTS AT MY HOUSE. YOU might not work, but I DO; and don't SLEEP a whole lot, either.

Do THEY even realize what they're doing to their son??? Do they even realize that THEY are RESPONSIBLE for their SON'S 'regressions' in behavior? Doubtful... Because THEY don't take responsibility for their OWN actions. In the beginning, Blayze and I WERE on Tori's side... NOT anymore. Perhaps Josh is SOMEWHAT responsible for HER 'regression' in behavior. HOWEVER... Aren't we ALL ULTIMATELY responsible for our OWN ACTIONS??? Especially as ADULTS. Once we reach our teenage years and adulthood, we are definitely required to know 'right from wrong'. Childhood; we're in our 'developmental years', and are LEARNING. But beyond that, we are aware and need to be TAUGHT to TAKE responsibility for whatever we SAY and DO. Unfortunately, an error in a lot of parent's 'child rearing'. I believe in 'talking' to children like 'people'; they deserve an explanation JUST like everyone else as to WHY you're telling them to DO or NOT to do something. It gives them the REASON why and 'justifies', so to speak your 'order'. Looking at a child, or ANYONE for that matter and saying, "Because I said so" is not enough. Did YOU like it if YOUR parent said it to YOU??? "Do unto others as YOU would have done UNTO you." I feel that children are people too, and deserve the same... They are entitled to their feelings and emotions, as well as the right to express them. It doesn't mean what they say will change MY answer; but they STILL have the right to express HOW they feel. I'm not going to listen to it 50 times OVER... Lol Which is where MY boys get the whole, "You never listen to what I have to say..." bit, and feel THEY have the right to cut ME off when I'M talking. Lol No... I DID listen to you your ENTIRE lives. However... You REPEATING the SAME thing over, and over, and OVER again is NOT going to make ME change MY answer; I've made MY decision. Lol Rationalize it ALL you want to; think of ANOTHER way to tell the story... My answer is STILL going to be 'NO'. Lol  I'd sit and listen to them; they just didn't LIKE my answer. So, they'd try another approach. I'd listen AGAIN; they STILL didn't like my answer. Lol They'd try again... Nope!!! Lol Again, and again, and again. Still no. Lol So again. So then I'd just say, "Look. It doesn't matter HOW you SPIN it. My answer is GONNA be NO." Then THEY'D go off on ME... "YOU NEVER listen to us..." Blah, blah, BLAH. Lol OK. Well WHAT did I JUST DO for the LAST HALF HOUR??? Lol TEN different VERSIONS of the story??? Lol It's just my ANSWER is STILL 'No'. Lol OK, enough on that... Lol It just kills me that they're still like that sometimes; even as adults. LOLOLOLOLOLOL Oh man, Mom... KARMA!!!!!!!!!!!!  That's ALL I can say... Lol I hope that SOME day... I TRULY get mine.

I've actually been meaning to tell you this, I've just had SO much going on and so much to tell you... One of the nights I went out with Tom, I stopped DEAD in my tracks as we were walking out to his car in my parking lot. There's a truck out there now that's almost EXACTLY like Ken's old truck; just a LITTLE smaller... Same paint job. I rounded the corner of the building, and it was backed in one of the spots in the lot. One of the residents had just bought it. Blayze was walking to my truck and Tom and I were walking to his car; they both looked at me and said, "What's wrong?" Blayze saw where I was looking, and said, "Oh. Yeah, I know, right?" Tom just asked, "What?" Blayze explained... I just said that I KNEW it was gone; that COULDN'T be it, and it was smaller anyway. But it DID throw me at first. Especially after what I had seen in the cards; it looking like he had moved back this way. It was just TOO coincidental. Lol Plus all the 'signs' I got prior to that; the things 'falling'... JUST WEIRD.

I guess I've accepted that our relationship was pretty much 'a lie'; I didn't mean that much to him. I'd say that was pretty apparent with all that he put me through; the lying, cheating on multiple levels, just totally 'forgetting' about me after supposedly being 'in love' with me for nearly 3 years and I was supposedly his 'first love'... I started to write about my feelings on a separate page, in an actual 'journal'; but never got to finish, of course. Lol STARTED, is a real good word; I got 2 paragraphs written. Lol I just NEVER get to sit and 'write' without being interrupted. At the time I started that, I REALLY needed to 'express' feelings, too; but as usual, couldn't get ANY time for myself. I will eventually... Lol I just feel that not ALL my feelings should be 'put online'; so I'll keep THOSE 'personal'. I'm a pretty 'open' person and I don't mind 'sharing' my experiences and feelings. I hope that in some way, I can 'help' others with 'my mistakes' and what I learn from them. I'm human... I'll even repeat some of my mistakes; especially with men I care about or love. Look what I went through with Ken. There are times in life that even though you KNOW you should listen to your 'head and gut'... You listen to your 'heart'. Even though you KNOW in your mind what's right; the heart wants, what the heart wants... You only HOPE in your mind that the OTHER person 'wants' the same, and will change the 'behaviors' and mistakes they were previously making. If they don't... C'est lavie. How many times did we go through that? How many times did I say, "This HAS to be the LAST time, Ken. I CAN'T do this again..." TOO many times, because frankly; once is too many for the things HE put me through. I think even HE knows that... But again... C'est lavie, right? Life goes on...

OK, Mom. I guess that's it for today. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... Wow... I just need to 'decompress'; SOMEHOW. I'd love to just get out of here for a while; a nice LONG vacation... Maybe I'd never return. Lol Every time I even mention leaving here in any way though, people are 'afraid' I'm ACTUALLY leaving and ASK me IF I'm quitting or THINKING about leaving... Lol Then they say that if I leave, THEY'RE leaving or I have to take them WITH me. Lol Today, a few of them actually came OUT of their rooms while I was talking out in the hall area, and said that very thing. I said, "Well... I guess when I DO decide to leave here; I'll have to buy a MANSION to accommodate everybody!" Lol Oh GOD... JUST what I need; to bring 'Edmond Terror' WITH me when I FINALLY decide to REST. Lol IF I can ever GET any rest!!! Lol 

Oh, Mom... WILL my life EVER calm down? It IS a little bit, I have to admit; but it's because I'm FIGHTING for it to... And I shouldn't HAVE to. EVERY DAY, I have to remind Josh and Tori that I'm 'under a microscope' because of THEIR lives... They HAVE to STOP bringing THEIR DRAMA into MY LIFE and building. Josh's attitude has changed a bit for the better, thank God; but we STILL have to deal with Tori. I have to say that the ONLY way the situation will better is if she's gone. She's loud, obnoxious and an EMBARRASSMENT. When she was first here, she wasn't so bad... NOW, OMG... I just want to BURY my head; OR hers. I do cards as often as I can to see how things in my life are going with these situations... It LOOKS as though things are going to work out 'toward a happy home'. Of course, we have our struggles to go through. But the outcome will be 'a happy home'. I don't care what they're telling me about 'men' right now... Or WHO they are; frankly, I'm not SURE 'who' they are. One, could be Tom. If it is, he might go through with going away to that job to accomplish SOMETHING, before he contacts me again. However, I STILL don't want to pursue anything there, either. Too many 'flags'... The 'disagreement' we had was basically 'the clincher'. Kinda brought back a lot of memories... Lol Yeah... No. I saw 'the flags' prior to the disagreement; that just pushed me over the edge. GREAT GUY!!! Just NOT for me... There was another man, too. Someone that will 'pursue' me... Supposedly 'loves' me. Whatever... I don't know as though I 'believe' in that anymore. I know it 'exists'; just not for me... And Men; they just SAY it WAY too easily. You gotta FEEL it and MEAN it before you SAY it; NOT just be 'infatuated'. There's a HUGE difference... But anyway.

Blayze and I have to take off early tomorrow morning, so I'll check in with you as soon as I can. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day...

Morning, Mom... Yesterday was such an eventful day. I went with Lisa to the court and helped her get paperwork filled out to get put in front of the judge... There is NOW a protective order against Ian; she'll GET her 'Stand by' she's been REFUSED numerous times that BY LAW, she SHOULD have gotten... RSA173.B.5: Relief: "Restraining the defendant from withholding items of the plaintiff's personal property. A Peace Officer shall accompany the plaintiff in retrieving such property." They should not have denied her, AND she even had receipts for things she BOUGHT. It's a 'power play' and it's OVER. Ian will FINALLY get HIS Karma with 2 counts of Criminal Threatening, as well. AFTER he was served last night, he was an idiot and contacted her on one of her 'alias' sites. BAGGED!!! She's nailing him this time... You DON'T BEAT a woman DOWN... LITERALLY. Hold pillows over her face, PUNCH her, PUSH her, CONSTANTLY threaten to KILL her... When SHE is the one PROVIDING for your EVERY need and desire. LOSER!!! DONE. It's ALL over. I knew I saw that 'Power Woman' in there... I just had to reach in and YANK her outta there. Lol Ian STOMPED her down so far, she was almost beyond broken. It took me a while, but we did it. We got Lisa BACK to being 'Lisa'. She can't thank me enough... I'M just happy seeing HER happy. It's the way it's SUPPOSED to be. NO ONE'S spirit should be absolutely CRUSHED and BROKEN so that they appear to be 'The Walking Dead'; and that's what Lisa was. I'm ALL too familiar with it... Anyway... We still have court to accomplish, but we're ON OUR WAY!!! And Lisa... She's on HER way, too. Thank you for helping me help HER.

Tom... Lol Hmmm... I'm not too sure he's 'ready' for a 'relationship'. Lol I've been treading lightly, as you know; I have to protect myself. He's a 'very large' personality... I know; so am I. But he PURPOSELY 'fills the room'; I don't. I can't help that when I walk into a room, 'all eyes' are on me. It's always been like that, wherever I went; store, bar, school... Just anywhere. I can't even walk out my door HERE, and not get stopped. Lol It's a nice thing; but sometimes, it can be a curse. Lol Yeah... I'm sitting here, and I'm even getting texts as I write... I think I need to NOT continue this. Lol I think he's 'too immature' for me??? He was telling me he 'loved me' WAY too soon; scary... Every time he talked, it was GRANDIOSE; and always about things HE did, good OR bad. He's a GREAT story teller; but when does anyone ELSE get a chance to talk? Lol And then when you TRY to talk, he cracks jokes about that you 'repeated that' so many times... Even when you didn't. Why? Because YOU decided to talk for a CHANGE? Lol Yeah... BIG TALKER. Lol GREAT guy... But BIG talker. Lol He's a 'powerful' personality, and so am I; and that won't mix. Yeah... I'm done. It was fun while it lasted. Lol And it showed me that I'm ABLE to move on... When I do the cards, there are SO MANY different things showing... It gets confusing. Different 'male' personalities. I really don't want to bring Ken into it... But sometimes, it doesn't make sense unless I DO. But I haven't seen or heard from him in what... A month and a half? I've heard he's even back in Manchester. That would explain some of what I saw... If he and whoever he was with in PA broke up and he moved back. Still... I want to know about MY life; and he and I aren't together anymore. He doesn't even bother with me anymore... I meant 'so much'. Of course, that IS his 'MO'. Anyway... Doesn't matter anymore, does it? I should probably do an ACTUAL reading, and see what it tells me... I haven't done a Celtic Cross in... Years? I just do the 'shuffle and fall-out' to see what they tell me. Amazingly accurate, thanks to my being 'so in-tune'.

Well... During this whole time I've been writing, Tom has been texting me, too. OMG!!! He really IS QUITE 'the talker'... Lol He puts a 'twist' on EVERYTHING!!! He TRIES to bring 'the Bible' into everything, too... Go ahead!!! I LIVE my 'religion' EVERY DAY; and I pointed THAT OUT to him. You can recite Bible versus until the COWS come home; but if you don't LIVE your life a certain way... And HE DOES DO charitable things, TOO... But you still CAN'T do CERTAIN things, and then PREACH another; and THAT'S what he did and does. Lol Don't tell ME that I'M being 'judgemental' and 'making accusations' when I'M just 'calling him out' on WHAT he did TO me. Lol It wasn't anything horrible... It was just a certain way he ACTS at times, and I don't like it. If he doesn't like someone, he gets 'all high and mighty'; leaves ME there and goes to MY apartment. Oh... OK. No, it's NOT OK. You DON'T treat ME according to how you feel about SOMEONE ELSE. Then the MOMENT we're back at MY place because you 'got your way' and I came back down to MY apartment... You're gonna act like 'you' again. NOPE!!! You're supposed to be a 'Godly' man; "Do unto others as YOU would have done UNTO you"... The FIRST rule. He didn't like what I had to say about it, and left. Fine by me, because I was LIVID. I got a text after he left, texted him back how I felt, then got a response that I didn't respond to. As far as I was concerned; he could go... Wherever. So, of course, this morning, I hear from him; and, of COURSE, just like ANY guy... Somehow, it's MY fault. Lol 

We've been texting this whole time that I've been writing... OMG!!! He is just so 'one sided'. Lol I am so definitely done. He wanted to "put this all behind us"; but I just see too many flags. Even AFTER he said that, he continued; even called me, but wouldn't let ME say a WORD. Just wow... He always has to say what HE has to say. Yeah... DONE. I'm not gonna be stuck with ANOTHER guy I 'need to FIX' and then end up ALONE; SORRY!!! He can MOVE ALONG!!! Thanks for the FUN and the BOOTS... But see ya LATER, Bub-BYE NOW!!! So I hung up and sent him a text saying what I had to say and 'wishing him well'. HOPEFULLY, that will be the END of it.

OK, Mom, I guess that's it for now. I wanna go shower and get dressed for the day. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3

Hi, Mom... I had to come tell you; I weighed myself after my shower this morning... Well, actually, after I got dressed; and I weighed 126 lbs! I only even weighed myself because people have been saying I look like I've lost. I know what's doing it... I FINALLY found something that WORKS for my digestive system; and it's actually making me 'regular'. NEVER in my LIFE did I think I'd see the day... Lol And it's a simple supplement; actually 2. I COULDN'T be HAPPIER!!! Well... Yeah, I could; if it didn't make me 'gassy'. Lol So, I take a gas pill, too. Lol Hey!!! I'll TAKE IT!!! But I GUARANTEE it's because my SYSTEM isn't 'so full' all the time. Lol  I'm LOVIN' IT!!! I'm actually gonna 'advertise' my findings, so OTHER people with my affliction can benefit without using medications if they'd like to. What a WONDERFUL find... :-D

So far, so good on not hearing back from Tom... But I did the cards... And I will... But I don't WANT to... So, I'll stop him in his tracks. I wouldn't mind being just friends with him; but I'm pretty positive he won't accept that. I'm also pretty sure he's gonna use the 'business aspect' as a throw line with me again... No. It's for all the wrong reasons. I want it for all the RIGHT reasons... But he has a LOT of 'self work' to do. I don't want to go along for the ride, thank you. I've already been on WAY to many of THOSE. Lol I'm too OLD for that crap... Lol I need MY life to settle DOWN. Too much 'chaos' comes into it ALREADY, thank you very much. I choose NOT to take THIS one on...

Tori... She hasn't been doing or looking 'so hot' lately. All the 'positives' I was saying before; I recant. She's not back on dope... Yet; but will she? She's doing SOMETHING; and her behaviors have completely changed. My taking Guardianship was a good idea. In the cards, it looks like she MAY even finally withdraw/give up... Again. GOOD. It will lead to OUR happy situation. The cards went on from there with the 'Men'; I know Ken was in there somewhere... I was at the very end. My life... Always so VERY undetermined... Lol

Oh well, Mom... I guess that's it for now. I love and miss you EVERY DAY. Hugging you with my heart; Always, Forever and a Day... <3