|Lived & Died 12/09/13
I will love you longer than forever...
to leave an imprint on this world.
Story continued on HER LIFE
Pictures, videos and music in GALLERY
Ongoing blog (somewhat censored so they don't commit me) in STORIES
I didn't just lose a baby, I lost my future, all my hopes and dreams. I lost my only chance to have a family. I lost my only chance to give my older daughter, Akaia, a sibling. She doesn't have family. No one comes to her soccer games or swim meets. Akaia only has me. I was hoping this baby, Zailee, was going to make her part of more. That a blood tie would somehow solidfy our place in the family. Now, that hope is all gone. We are once again on our iceberg floating free, separate from the rest of the world.
I found out I was pregnant in April 2013 and it was a SHOCK. At first my boyfriend and I were against it. I was 41 about to turn 42 in June. I was sure I wasn't able to have a healthy baby. We talked about terminating. I went so far as to call an office but when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. The chances of me getting pregnant were so slim, I thought the baby was meant to be. For the next 21 weeks, my home life was less than pleasant. My boyfriend didn't want the baby and I had to stay strong and keep telling him "he would see, she was our miracle." After the ultrasound and tests that showed she was healthy and a GIRL, he started to get excited. He has two boys to his ex-wife.
With every ounce of my soul, I was Zailee...Zailee...Zailee. Constantly on my mind. I planned and bought everything she would need and many things she didn't need but she was my miracle, she deserved the world. I sang to her, talked to her, tickled my belly when she was moving around. I was so in sync with her, we were one. I would flip over while sleeping, then pause and wait for her to re-adjust before falling back to sleep.
You read this and you think you understand...you don't understand. She was everything to me. I am broken without her. All my life people saw something special in me. A love for the little things. A light in my eyes. That light went out with Zailee's last heartbeat. I will never be the same. I am a shattered version of who I used to be. Every breath I take is for Akaia. I can assure you, without her, I would not be on this earth still.
"I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you how this has touched my heart. I suffered a loss at 41 (a surprise pregnancy resulting in early miscarriage) but it was nothing near what you have gone through. I shed tears today for you but I know that your sweet Zailee Marie is in Heaven and when it is your time you will be reunited. I prayed for you and Akaia today that God blesses you both. xo, Lisa"
"Thank you both for leaving a message for Zailee's first birthday. It meant a lot to me."
"Dear baby girl Zailee. It’s your first birthday in Heaven. And I know you’re happy there.I want you to know your mommy and familly misses you dearly And your absence is really hard for her to bear. Enjoy your self in Heaven with Jesus and friends so dear. Love your fiend Alex's mommy.
Liz Really thinking of you today Wish I could give you a really big hug. I know this day must be so so hard for you. But Know your baby is safe, sound."
"Happy 1st Birthday to little Zailee, your mommies heart is breaking today and I pray that God lets you send her a sign to let her know it is all ok and you are blowing out your first Birthday candle with Jesus."
"Wow. I know I read those comments before and appreciated them but it felt like I just read them for the first time. They helped me as I enter this extremely difficult time.
I hope Emy had her baby and is over the moon right now. I also hurt for all the losses I read here and have heard about elsewhere. There are so many, too many! I picture all of our beautiful children in Heaven, playing together. I just feel like we all found each other because our children are together and wanted us to bring each other comfort."
"Liz- I still think of you and your beautiful daughters often. I'm sorry to see how hard you're struggling but I'm also hopeful you will find joy in life again soon. I want you to know that by you sharing your story it has made me a better mother- I don't take one day for granted. Zailee has touched my life - I just wanted you to know that. Please take care and know your beautiful angel is always with you. Carrie (Blakeandellasmom from babycenter)"
"Liz please check your Facebook messages! I just sent you one please read it!"
"Liz I thought of you today. I hope you had a good day with Akaia. I do hope you felt your sweet Zailee around you today and that you could feel her love. She is always with you.
Love, Dee (babycenter)"
"Awh my heart aches for you! I have no words....sending hugs and peaceful thoughts. She is beautiful."
"Zailee is beautiful. God bless her. Akaia is lucky to have a mom like you. I'm 41 and 38.5 wks pregnant withh my miracle daughter. I only have an 8 yr old daughter so I quickly bonded with your story. I suffered three losses before this miracle. No words could ever comfort your pain but u have Akaia and I'm so happy u have her by your side. God bless...."
"HI so sorry for your loss. I do understand what you are going through, as I had the same situation happen to me. It has changed me forever. I am not the same as I was, I am better than I was. I now look at my children I do have, and realize how grateful I am for them each day. It has been four years since I lost my little boy. He was perfect. I think of the time in the hospital that I held him and dreamt of what could have been for him. I know I will see him again. That is what got me through it. I will hold him again some day. He is in a beautiful place and is waiting for us to join him. He is okay. I need to be okay too. Some days I still am not. He was a gift to me and my family. I would never wish that all of it had never happened, even to avoid the pain of it. He was a chapter of our lives that will continue some day. I appreciate life and the little things so much more now. He changed me forever into something much much more than I could have every imaged. May God's peace be with you each day. You are not alone."
"I am truly so sorry for your loss. What an amazing bond you had with her while pregnant. And what an excruciating loss! The story of how you found out and delivered is just gut-wrenching. She is so beautiful and absolute perfection! There are no words that adequately express my sympathy and heartfelt love, but know that I care and think about you often. ~Mary"
"My heart aches for you. This has been so hard for me to not be able to be there for you....I wish we were closer! I wish I could have jumped on a plane and been right by your side. I love you guys! I know it's not the same, but you are part of our family. If you were still here we would be at those games and swim meets. Keep being strong and amazing and know we are always here for you. <3"
"To the mother & family
So sorry for your pain and suffering. Revelation 21:4 say that God will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former thing have passed away. Until that time come, may Jehovah give you'll comfort, 2 cor. 1:3,4"
Have a suggestion for us?