My father. Daddy. Where do I begin?
Maya Angelou once said, “People may forget what you said, people may forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
This quote epitomizes the essence of my father; he connected with everyone and made us all feel better. He did not care for differences, neither age nor ethnicity nor religion nor class. He saw you. He heard you. He cared about you.
He listened, empathized, inspired, supported, motivated, calmed, rescued, believed in, coached, encouraged, protected and uplifted, so many people. He was consistent.
He did this quietly and with grace and humility. It was not effortless though it may have appeared to be so. Dad was purposeful in everything he did and especially so when it came to his people. It was easy to become his person and once you were, it was for life.
Having listened to the numerous splendid tributes over the past 2 days, and reflecting on what I could add, I decided that the best I can do is to share some personal stories.
For us his children, we remember the simple things
He could appear stern and intimidating but in truth he was a fun-loving father who was quick to smile and liked to joke and tease. He was playful:
- He liked to pick us up and swing us around. We loved climbing into his arms or back – he was our personal climbing frame
- When we were very young, he would let us sit on his shoulders or back whilst he did push ups
- He went around on his hands and knees so Saweda could ride on his back
- When we got a little heavier, we would fight to be carried on his shoulders as he walked around
- Then it was standing on his feet while he walked
- Eventually it was possible for us to tease him because he got a little rounder. I’d poke him in his belly and say, ‘what’s going on here dad’? and this was when he developed his ultimate retort: He would say in his deep voice, ‘bo lef me. if you look half as good as I do when you’re my age, then you can talk”. Of course, I had no answer. I’ll never cross that bar.
He loved a party; music and dancing with friends and laughter. He would revel in these gatherings. I remember his 40th birthday party at SRL. I was 10 and my sister 7. The party started at around 7pm on Saturday and we stayed up as late as we could trying to join in. We were amazed to wake up the next morning and find them still at it at 9am. It turned out this was not unusual. He loved a good time with friends.
Incidentally, I won’t name names but at least 1 person here was present at that party...
We had the caring father who worried about our health and well-being. He bore our challenges as if they were his. As we grew up and life became complex, he would use a few words to enquire the status and then make recommendations. Then he would follow up. Even over the phone with very few words, his concern was palpable.
We had the thorough demanding father who challenged us to do our best, to think things through and to do the right thing. He did not push us into any particular field but supported our decisions and encouraged us to keep it up. ‘Ok that’s good. That’s really good, Keep it up!’ How many here have heard that?
We had the reliable dutiful father who stood in for so many that were not there. Dad walked people down the aisle. Dad showed up at graduations and convocations. Dad attended weddings and important ceremonies for the extended web. Each time he added his special regal essence to the proceedings. And he made a son, daughter, nephew, niece and grandsons and friends, very, very proud. And of course, he too would burst with pride. He was the ultimate stand-in. He would look after everyone.
Yesterday I sat with Uncle Bob and after a moment of reflection, he thanked us (Saweda and I) for sharing our father with him and the family. He thanked us sincerely and then asked, ‘how unna bin do am? Unna nor bin jealous?’
The truth is that when we were small, we were jealous and protective. But dad was dad and we soon came to understand that what he gave to others did not in any way diminish what he had for us. He showed that the heart is limitless. You become bigger by being bigger. We realized then and realize truly now that we as his children and indeed his family are richer because there were so many of us in his embrace.
Dad took as along this journey and in the end, he was right. Look at the gem he created!
We had the father who loved little people. He just loved kids. He was so fond of children. He was his happiest when he was playing with and teasing the little ones. When I was taking my time to settle down, dad pulled me aside one day and let me know his position. He said ‘look, I am not too concerned about meeting this person and that person. You are wasting my time with my grand-kids. Hurry up and bring me grandchildren.’
When his grandchildren finally arrived, he was over the moon. It was love at first sight. He would tell me straight. ‘Listen, I’m not interested in seeing you. I need to spend some time with the boys and with my daughter in law.’ He was besotted with his grandchildren and they with their tall grandpa. ‘How are the boys? How is school? How are they adjusting?’ He was supremely proud of their achievements and he always let them know to ‘keep it up’.
We had a father who made us feel special. However, we came to accept that there was a rather large group of people who pretty much felt the same way; his sisters and brothers and cousins, his nieces and nephews, friends and friends of friends - who were able to call him ‘Uncle Alex’ - and by association claim a special piece of him too. And claim him they did with great pride.
He was everyone’s favorite and everyone was his favorite. He was everyone’s Uncle Alex and it was genuine. He had enough love and attention for everyone, and they felt it and gave back in equal measure.
His presence was commanding.
You could see the awe when he entered a room. Who does he belong to? Who is going to claim him? Then one of us would say with great pride “this is my father, this is my dad, this is my Uncle, brother, friend...
Of course, he charmed them all off their feet; partners, colleagues and friends. And for years afterwards random friends – usually female would ask – ‘Hey how is your dad?’
I would always joke that they had to get in line...
Which brings us to super charming ladies-man. The man who said, “bo lef me. If you look half as good as I do when you’re my age...
Somehow dad managed to be everyone’s favorite without anyone feeling left out. Even within the family, all the girls were confident that they were his favorite and would happily say so. En plaba nor dey. Not to speak of the friends and friends of friends...
Dad and his daughter were a special thing. They adored each other. Baby Saweda would cling to dad like a leech. He doted on her. As we grew older their relationship evolved. School meant many years apart and when eventually his health challenges pushed them back together it was initially challenging. I would get calls from each about the other; heartfelt renditions of the latest grievance. But as I listened and comforted, I understood what this was all about, and I think they did too. They were both fiercely independent people adjusting to being in each, others sphere after so long apart. Saweda for me had the best gift any child could get. She got to care for a parent for years. From a start where she was offered the most simple of tasks to his final days when Saweda – with the support of the DC family - was running all of his affairs, arranging all his needs and comfort, organizing and planning matters of the estate, all the heavy lifting that required love and attention and trust and caring, she handled. He gave her all the keys. I know she grew immensely in his eyes over that period. And I know this time which was so difficult, will be one of the biggest sources of comfort as she grows older. She looked after her father in every detail for almost 5 years. In heart go cole.
I left home for school abroad in 1984. That was the last time Dad and I lived in the same country. From then onwards, our time together was limited to holidays and visits. I would guess that in the intervening 35 years, we did not average more than 3 weeks a year in each-others company. Typically, the first week would involve a fight of some kind which would be resolved by the weeks end leaving us 2 weeks to enjoy each other. With all our independent changes, it was difficult to progress a relationship within these constraints.
But something happened in the early 2000’s leading to a significant realization for me. I decided 2 things as a result. First, I resolved to give what I expected to receive from dad. Not to focus on what he did not say or do. But rather to communicate what I was looking for in our relationship. I decided to be responsible for what I wanted our relationship to be. I was going to consciously build.
The second thing I resolved to do was to be fully present. Spend time attentively. Listen, connect, reach out. Be present. Create and appreciate the special moments now. Tomorrow is not assured. Do it now.
It’s difficult to apply this to everything. But I had a singular focus: mum and Dad. Time was limited and distances long. So, I resolved to be present and create the best version of our conversation. We got much closer as a result and I developed a really open, honest, uncomplicated relationship with my father. I am forever grateful for that.
Dad had been unwell for a while but he gave us our first real fright in 2017. He jolted the entire family. We sat up and those of us he felt we had all the time in the world had a serious rethink. He was mortal. He was ill. It was critical. We got through that but stopped procrastinating. We had a huge Fambul (Family) reunion in 2018 for everyone across all generations. Everyone together in the same place and the same time possibly for the first and only time. It was immense and in no small part because of Dad. For his 80th we did the same. Everyone who could, travelled to the DC area to celebrate with Dad. We were present. His loss is buttressed by the joy of those memories and the smiles we saw on his face during those periods. They made him very, very happy.
On the 28th of October, I was at a friend’s house observing Halloween when I got a call from Saweda. Dad was critical and in hospital. I had to come. I got the basic details and went back to a party. Pizza and drinks and light conversation passed in a fog. Everyone had a great time. Why spoil it? After some sharp arrangements I travelled out to the USA on Nov 6th. I did not fully expect what I found. Dad looked well but the prognosis was critical and time bound and he wanted to be at home. We were all concerned about that decision, but he was clear about what would make him most happy and he wanted to pursue it no matter the risks. So we all aligned on making his wish a reality with the minimum of inconvenience for him.
I travelled with him back to Sierra Leone on the 7th November and spent a further week looking after him. It was intense. He was very happy to be home, on his balcony with the breeze and the view, in his own bed, telling off Junior and Osman.
He was ready for what came next. We weren’t. There were moments of joy and levity and then dips with serious challenges and distress. But I got a chance to look after my father and to care for his well being in the most intimate and personal ways.
I placed my hands on him with care and showed him I loved him. We all did. Cousins and family travelled in in waves. We rallied round and I know we made him very happy and he was satisfied. We embraced him all the way to the end.
Those moments will be with me for the rest of my life.
Sometime in the early 80’s Christopher started living with us in Freetown. He was about 10yrs old and was quite a troublesome fellow. We quickly became very close and when time came for the summer holidays at Rutile with Dad, Saweda and I could not imagine leaving him behind by himself and being without him for 2 months. How to approach Dad to ask if Chris could come to Rutile for summer? I was very worried and eventually summoned up the courage to ask ‘can he come please?’. Dad said yes, and just like that, our unit of 2 became 3. Chris is my brother now because Dad let him in to our lives. And he is the glue between the two sides of the family because Dad welcomed him into his embrace.
When Chris got married, Dad represented the family. When his son arrived premature, Dad provided support during the stressful months. He was a source of counsel, advice and support; essentially, Chris got a second Dad. This morning we needed someone to ride with Dad to the church, and Chris said he would be honored to do it. This is the result of what dad helped build.
So we are indeed heartbroken but also celebrating.
We are thankful for many things:
- for a long and generous life
- that he was happy with a life lived with purpose and had no regrets
- that he knew the bonds he built between family and friends were genuine and strong,
- that he saw and felt the deep family love and commitment to him and to each other
- that he was deeply proud of all he was able to accomplish for family and country, and of the legacy he was leaving behind
Indeed, we celebrate a great person and a great life.
Farewell Dad
We wanted more, but you had given your best; you deserve your rest
You were a giant in our lives and in our hearts
We cannot comprehend a future without you
We will try to fill the void with the fond memories of experiences shared and loving stories from so many whose lives you uplifted
We will carry on the journey for you; each of us in our own way emulating a piece of who you were
Thanks for being our brightest example
Thanks for everything you gave
You havegiven your best; you deserve your rest.
Farewell Dad
ALEX KAMARA – 12 DECEMBER 2019