It was hard to witness Mom as she faded away. Mom was the matriarch
of the family, she kept Dad inline, protected her 5 sons with the ferocity of a
Mamma Grizzly, accepted the daughter-in-laws into the family, overjoyed in the
birth of each grandchild, and later with each great grandchild. When Mom requested
you to do something, you did it, no arguing, no bargaining, you just did it. It
was Mom and considered a mortal sin to act against her. Unfortunately, Alzheimer’s
slowing took Mom from us. Mom’s memories slowly faded away, and soon the
recognition of her family, and finally the twinkle in her eye. It was the twinkle
that was the hardest for my family but we took solace that Mom found her final peace,
reclaimed her happiness, and joined Dad and Stefan.
In talking with my son, Ben, and Daughter, Monica, we
realized some of the attributes that Mom had passed down to us. Mom was very competitive and passed this competitiveness
down to her sons which trickled to the grandchildren and I am sure soon to the
great grandchildren. Mom loved to play games and she took no prisoners. Mom
played to win, she took no sympathy in the whining of her sons for losing and
often remarked that we needed to do a better job of winning. This forced us to
continue to improve, and as in our lives, never settle for the ordinary, that
only hard work with maximum effort is rewarded. I never handed a win to my
kids, nor my grandchildren when playing games, as with Mom, I love them too
much to hand them artificial victories, as life is anything but. Mom taught us
that competitiveness was good, failure was part of life, and adaptability was necessary
to succeed. This allowed us to overcome the struggles in life.
Toni often comments (maybe complains) about my strict German
discipline. A discipline that Mom had ingrained into us when we were very young.
Dishes must be completed before bed, chores completed before earning the right
to relax, including TV, laundry must be completed on your day, not any other
day, fully dressed before leaving your bedroom in the morning, a set day for
cutting grass, no TV before 05:00 PM on weekends, take care of your car, brush
your teeth before going to bed and as soon as you wake up (does not make sense
but I still do this), dirty clothes in hamper, clean cloths folded or hung up,
no exceptions, finish your food as there was a starving kid somewhere, and if
you cannot come to an agreement, then you would abide by someone else’s decision
that no one would like. Regimented routine was the backbone of what would
become our good habits later in life, habits that trickled to my kids.
Mom took the moment to have fun, sniff a flower, pick a
flower and put it in her hair, or over her ear, or up her nose, skip a rock,
tap someone on the shoulder and look away, blame an invisible dog for bodily noises,
if it bought a smile to someone, Mom would say it was well worth it. Mom had a
great sense of humor, most of which she might of hid from the general public,
but Mom would play jokes, crack jokes, make smart-ass comments, and was generally
good natured. Mom emailed (spammed) funnies to about everyone, these were
either a picture or one-liners. Mom preferred comedies over drama. You would never
catch Mom watching the Hallmark channel, Mom preferred to watch shows that made
her laugh, except one. Mom hated the Three Stooges, a show that I and my son
laugh at breathlessly to this day, maybe that attribute came from Dad or maybe Mom
was in denial. Putting life in perspective was important, and Mom taught us to control
that which you can control, accept that which you cannot, and laugh in-between.
Self-Reliance was another trait passed down from Mom. I
often wonder if Mom had no choice with raising 5 angelical sons (yes, that is
what I remember) and a pack of Irish Wolfhounds on a desolated farm along the Patuxent
River while Dad traveled. But Mom did it, she turned us a loose on that farm, with
only a few rules. No swimming in waters over our head, do not leave our brothers
behind, return to the house in 15 minutes if the farm bell rang, and if you
heard Mom’s whistle, which could be heard from the other side of the river, it
was too late, you were in trouble. As kids, Mom gave us the freedom to imagine,
wander, and even allowed us to forage among the bounties of the farm, our
lunches often consisted of strawberries, blueberries, black berries, raspberries,
figs, apples, pears, peaches, and cherries, picked fresh from the limb and
straight into our mouths. We enjoyed oysters, mussels, crabs and English
Walnuts and Chestnuts in the fall. No fish, Mom did not like fish and any fish
that were caught was strictly catch and release. I do not like fish to this day,
a trait that Toni still blames on Mom. These seem like strange traits and I
wonder how could these ever be passed down, I do not have an answer, but I know
when my grandchildren come to visit, they will walk around my yard eating all
my tomatoes, berries, figs, chives, basal, and dill.
Mom was independent. Mom trained us to do our laundry early in life
and if we did not have clean cloths to wear, it was our fault. We had designated
days to do our laundry, as not to interfere with the other brothers or Mom and
Dad’s laundry day. Mom taught us how to cook as well. Mom would jokily (maybe
not), inform us that she was not running a restaurant and we could not simply
order what we wanted, we ate what was cooked, or we did not eat. But Mom would
allow us to cook our own meals and often shared her techniques and recipes, her
prized recipes, family secret recipes. Even
today I do most of the cooking, not necessarily as a chore, but mostly to add a
spin or flare to our daily dinners. Mom was a great cook; she won a country-wide
Betty Crocker Cooking award that she was very proud of. Mom snipped any recipe
she could find and stored them for future meals. Mom would test her new recipes
on the family and judged their reactions before serving these dishes to others.
All the sons were well equipped for life when they left home thanks to the
independence instilled upon us by Mom.
Work hard or not work at all, of course not working at all
was never tolerated. There were many chores growing up that we did not like to
do, but we learned early that it was better to do a good job the first time
then having to go back and do it again, with the punishment of an additional chore
as a lesson. I think a trait that myself, my brothers and my kids exhibit
today. Get the job done and move on. The sons went into the world as hard workers
and earned reputations of doing great jobs thanks to Mom.
Moms are special, there is a shared unconditional love between
moms and their children. Mom provided a balance of love, discipline, independence,
and other attributes that make us who we are today. We were blessed to have
such a wonderful Mother that raised us, that was tough on us, that taught us
life lessons, how to laugh, how to cook, how to have fun, and how to live. The
family is what it is today due to Mom’s influence. I find myself sometimes sensing
Mom’s presence and know that Mom is around. The twinkle in her eye will
continue on as there is a piece of her in her sons, grandchildren, and great
grandchildren. We love you Mom and miss you tremendously.
