I've been struggling for over a month now, trying to figure out what to say here. I finally decided to share a letter that I started to write to Bertha, but unfortunately never got a chance to finish or share it with her. I finished the letter after she passed and hope that somehow, some way, she gets the message. I wish I got to share this with her, but I have to take solace in the fact that even though I didn't tell her enough, she knew I loved her so much.
Bertha,
I can't even believe that I am sitting here, writing this letter. I don't even know where to start. I can't even understand my life without you in it. Over the past ten years, you have become such a huge part of my life. I remember meeting you when I was 16, and again when I was 20, and being absolutely terrified of you! I had never met someone who was so strong and so straightforward. Over the years, I got to know someone who was not only tough, but loving and giving as well. I remember so many fun times together, sharing clothing, eating stuffing out of the pot on the stove, and hundred and hundreds of conversations that seemed so common at the time, but are now memories that I will treasure for the rest of my life. You taught me how to be strong, how to speak my mind, and how to have a thicker skin. You also taught me to love myself, no matter how I looked. You always told me that people are not statues, and I will always keep that in the back of my mind when I get down on myself. You also taught me how to take care of Joey and helped to show me how to be a good wife and mother. I promise you that I will take care of Joey for the rest of my life, and that all that you taught me will carry on with Joey, Jordan, and g-d willing, other children in the future. I can't believe that Jordan won't get the chance to grow up with you, but I promise you I will tell him how much his Savta loved him every day, and how he and his cousin Ethan gave her so much joy and laughter during the last year of her life. I feel so fortunate to have shared almost every day with you for the last ten years and I honestly don't know how to not speak to you and not see you. You were my sounding board, my conscience, and my friend. People joke about their mother in laws being people they have to "deal with" because they come along with their spouses. That was never the case with me, because I am so fortunate that I got you as my mother in law. I will never forget all that you taught me, all the laughs, the tears, or how strong you were, til the very end. I love you more than you will ever know and my heart is broken without you here. I tell myself every day, "don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." No matter how much I miss you, and how many times I cry because you are gone, and no matter how much it hurts, I smile every day thinking about your smile, your laugh, and every moment we shared together.
I love you so much and I know you will watch over everyone and be our angel.