What is a person supposed to do on your deceased loved one’s birthday and anniversary of their death? It varies, as much as the people themselves do. The correct answer, of course, is whatever you want. (Within reason and limits of good health.)
When my son died, I tried to plan special family things, but felt I was the only one interested in doing something new. Usually what I do is spend some time in my room, playing music that we both loved. I do it every year now, and it feels special, intentional, personal. I recently saw a grieving parent upset that another family member planned an event on her child’s deathversary, so she declined to go. I’m not telling anyone how to live their lives, goodness knows I’ve made dozens of poor decisions myself, but this seems hurtful to everyone. Your child brought you joy in life, right? Don’t turn that all into sorrow. Channel that joy. Life is meant to be lived, fully. I believe it would break our loved ones hearts to know we just gave up and lived in sorrow.
So, how can you meaningfully observe these important dates? Since every relationship and every loss is unique, here are a few ideas to help you find what feels right for you:
1. Give Back Through Service
Collect food or clothes for the needy, diapers, personal care products, pet food, and drop it off at a safe accessible place like a shelter or mission. Work in a food kitchen or pantry. Collect money for charity or raise funds for a cause that matters.
2. Share the Joy of Birthday Cake
Let them eat some! Pay for a stranger’s birthday cake at your local store. Include a card, if you like. Better yet, buy a package of disposable tin pans and pack them with cake mix, frosting, a can of soda, candles, and maybe a little gift – donate them to your local food shelf. Everyone deserves cake! The soda is to mix with the cake mix, oil and eggs are often hard to come by in food pantries. 7up goes with almost everything; Coke and Dr. Pepper are great with chocolate; root beer is fun with a vanilla cake, but so is strawberry soda!
3. Prepare Their Favorite Meal
Make their favorite meal, leave a plate for them, discard or throw out to critters. Talk about them during the meal, exchange stories with loved ones
4. Visit Their Resting Place
A classic, visit their grave, place flowers or a plant, dust their headstone, tell them about your life
5. Explore Spiritual Connection
Get a reading from a medium. I’ve done this twice, from well respected mediums, and it’s been enlightening and lovely
6. Create a Lasting Memorial Tattoo
A memorial tattoo can serve as a permanent tribute and a personal reminder of the love you continue to carry
7. Write Your Thoughts and Memories
Write a letter to them, or just to yourself – write down your feelings, a memory, a story, a blog! Keep it to yourself or publish it; it’s your process, but letting out the words buzzing in your brain onto the page can just be what helps see you through the day.
8. Practice Random Acts of Kindness
Place cash in a few envelopes and hand them out, to service people or strangers, or people who look like they’re having a bad day. Feel free to include a note with why.
9. Treat the People Who Knew Them
Send coffee and bagels to their former employer, school, gym, or club. Oftentimes, people want to acknowledge this day with you, but they don’t know how.
10. Join or Start a Grief Support Group
Attend a grief support group, or start one. Grief groups can be peer-led and everyone can take turns talking. Whether meeting up in-person or electronically, sharing your experience with people who are also grieving can be a great way to feel less alone.
11. Create a Scholarship or Make a Donation
Start a scholarship fund to honor your loved one’s interests, or something that would have helped them while they were alive. If that sounds too daunting, try donating to one that already exists or finding people in need on charity fundraising sites and support other people in need.
12. Create Your Own Memorial Tradition
Do something else, with them in mind! For example, a friend of mine organizes a 5K in honor of her daughter every year, afterwards they go out to her favorite ice cream shop.
The thing is, if it feels right and good to you within reason, that’s the right choice. Grief lasts as long as love, so it’s not leaving anytime soon. We learn to work with and love through it. If you feel stuck and overwhelmed, please reach out to a certified grief counselor or even a grief coach. I’m a coach, and you don’t have to sit alone.
Helpful Resources and Space for remembrance
Stephanie Dawson
1 articlesA bereaved mother, certified death doula, grief coach, meditation teacher, and educator. After the sudden loss of her son in 2020 and her mother in 2021, Stephanie turned her personal experience with profound grief into a mission to support others navigating loss. A retired nurse in her mid-50s, she brings compassion, wisdom, and a deeply human perspective to conversations about grief, death, and healing. When she’s not supporting clients, she’s kept busy by her surviving daughter, five grandchildren, and a large extended family of nieces, nephews, and their children. Stephanie believes that while grief and death can be dark and frightening journeys, no one should have to face them alone: “You have to go through it, but you don’t have to go alone. I’ll sit with you.”
