Grief Anniversaries: Honoring a Loved One

Waiting for Aunt Louise

Clean your rooms and get dressed, my mother would shout to us kids. Aunt Louise is coming! I wash my face and straighten my room making sure my desk is ready for whatever project or special gift she might bring me. The doorbell rings and all three of us run down the stairs shouting, “Aunt Louise! Aunt Louise! Aunt Louise!”

We’d almost knock her over spying first the shopping bags in her hands filled with sparkly wrapped packages, then wrapping our arms around her body and looking up.

I love her. I love her face, her smile, her laugh, her light flowery scent. We eventually let her through the door. Soon she hands out the packages.

How did she know me so well? Excitedly, I unwrap my presents, a diary with a lock and key, a plastic bag with a crochet hook, brightly colored yarn with instructions to make a scarf and a small, sparkly cosmetic bag with a pale pink lipstick inside. Somehow she always knew what would delight me.

Even now, around the holidays, I find myself drawn to sparkles. A glittering light festival. A shimmering ornament. A new eye shadow with a little sparkle in it. They remind me of the excitement of watching Aunt Louise walk through the door carrying those beautifully wrapped gifts. Looking back, I realize these memories return most vividly during grief anniversaries, holidays, and the seasons that remind me of her.

A Bigger World

My childhood home often felt chaotic and unsafe. Aunt Louise’s Bronx apartment felt like another country. There were books. Music. Quiet. We ate evening snacks by her kitchen window, looking out at the dark city dotted with lights from neighboring apartments.

Special time. Just me and Aunt Louise. The sound of her laugh. The scent of her perfume. The feeling of her arms around me as she kissed me goodnight.

It was like there was no other world waiting for me. Just those precious hours, an overnight or two. The next morning, either driving to school and work in Manhattan, walking through a museum together or sitting in the darkness of a Broadway theater.

June: A Season of Remembering

My favorite month and the hardest month of the year is her birth month, June. I gather a few photos, walk through a fabric store, crochet or sew a small project lingering over the colorful threads on those old fashioned spools. I create a new playlist of my favorite Broadway musicals and sing along.

Her birth month and holidays take me back to my childhood. Waiting for Aunt Louise to come through the door bringing not only physical presents, but also a joyful lightness into the house.

I smile through tears.

She did not live to see me grow into the woman I would become or to see my beautiful babies, grow into accomplished and kind human beings. Her birth month and the holidays, for me, are about remembering her the whole month. A season of remembering. I make plans to intentionally remember her.

While June is a most beautiful month for the blossoming of nature, bird songs and flowers, It arrives carrying two things: hurt and a smile full of memories that soothes it.

Finding Comfort During Grief Anniversaries

I realize Aunt Louise still arrives every June and every holiday. Not through my front door carrying shopping bags of wrapped presents, but through the things she taught me to love.

A crochet hook.

A museum visit.

A Broadway melody.

Quiet aloneness with my thoughts and a pen.

These rituals remind me that death ended her life, not our relationship.

For years I thought anniversaries were something to get through. Now I see them differently. Instead of avoiding my sadness, I make room for it.

What sights, sounds, smells, or traditions immediately bring your loved one back into the room? Is there a month, season, holiday, or anniversary that feels especially connected to them? What ritual could help you intentionally remember rather than avoid their memory this year? What gift, lesson, talent, or way of seeing the world did they pass on to you? If your loved one still “arrives” during certain seasons of the year, how do you recognize their presence?

Take a Moment to Reflect

• What sights, sounds, smells, or traditions immediately bring your loved one back into the room?
• Is there a month, season, holiday, or anniversary that feels especially connected to them?
• What gift, lesson, talent, or way of seeing the world did they leave with you?
• How could you intentionally honor their memory during that season this year?

For more reflections and resources from Barbara Segura you can visit her website.