Surviving Valentine’s Day Grief After Your Spouse Dies

Whether your grief is brand new or your spouse died decades ago, Valentine’s Day can be challenging to navigate. Holidays tend to magnify grief, and a day dedicated to romantic love can stir up very uncomfortable emotions. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, anxious, jealous, or a myriad of other emotions that Valentine’s Day can bring to the surface.

If you find yourself feeling a profound sense of loss this February 14, here are five suggestions for how you might choose to approach the day.

1. Grieve Openly

There is no shame in leaning into your feelings. In fact, it’s healthier to do so. Ignoring feelings of sadness on Valentine’s Day – or any day of the year – will only serve to add to your suffering. Give yourself permission to feel all of the feelings you’re experiencing, even if they aren’t what society expects on Valentine’s Day. If you want to cry rather than celebrate or to feel anger instead of love on a day that serves to remind you of all you’ve lost, give yourself the grace to do so. Each feeling is valid, your loss is very real, and your grief will be unique and personal to you. Allow it to be what it is on your most challenging days, and pay no mind to anyone who doesn’t seem to understand. You’re walking on your own path through spousal loss.

2. Find an Alternative Focus

Entire store aisles are dedicated to Valentine’s Day, billboards and television advertisements are constant, and happy couples will be all over social media. If you need a distraction, try to redirect your energy. There’s nothing that will replace the hole you feel in your heart, but it may help to shift some of your focus toward making the day more cheerful for someone else. Do you have a friend or family member who might be struggling, as you are? You could surprise them with a beautiful bouquet of flowers or a box of their favorite chocolates. You could also send valentines to residents at a local nursing home or children’s hospital, or do any number of good deeds in memory of your lost loved one. If you lack the energy for something like this, even the simple act of spending quality time with a beloved pet could be a positive distraction.

3. Plan a Full Day for Yourself

If you’re feeling anxious just knowing that Valentine’s Day will be hard, resolve to plan ahead. Oftentimes, you can alleviate some of the stress and anxiety you’re feeling simply by making a plan. Maybe you want to do something to remember your spouse, but you also want to keep yourself busy so you won’t have time to dwell. Think about where in the day you want to add a special moment. Maybe it’s ordering in dinner from the same place you and your partner used to love. Maybe it’s visiting their grave or stopping at your church to light a candle in their memory. Pick whatever means the most to you, then schedule “business as usual” things around it. Maybe February 14th is the day you finally go in for that much-needed oil change or run other errands on your to-do list. Making a plan that you think you can stick to can help to alleviate some of your anxiety about the day.

4. Reinvent the Day

If you always loved the act of celebrating Valentine’s Day, part of your sense of loss may be a lack of celebration. Remember that there are no rules to follow here. If you want to, you can reinvent the day for yourself. After all, Valentine’s Day can be about familial and platonic love, too. Meet up with your single friends for a meal or a drink, host a Valentine’s Day party for your kids or grandkids, or spend your day baking and delivering cookies to friends, relatives, and neighbors. Create a new Valentine’s Day tradition for yourself and embrace the opportunity to celebrate in a new way.

5. Practice Avoidance

Sometimes, the simple act of avoiding can be a healthy way to survive a challenging time. This doesn’t mean you should avoid feeling or talking about your loss. However, Valentine’s Day advertisements and store specials can cause you weeks of sadness before the actual day even arrives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with insulating yourself from outside forces that enhance your pain, so think about how to protect yourself. For instance, you could only watch television shows that have been previously recorded so that you can fast-forward through commercials. You could also treat yourself to a grocery delivery so you won’t have to see the store’s Valentine’s Day displays. You won’t completely forget that it’s Valentine’s Day, of course, but it doesn’t have to be forefront in your mind either.

Don’t Worry – You WILL Get Through the Day

Preparing to survive Valentines’ Day when your spouse has died can be a very trying part of your grief journey. Without your special person, nothing in life feels the same – and certainly not the day when you’re meant to celebrate the love you shared with your spouse. You’re not alone, though, and you will get through it.

If none of the above suggestions feel like the right way for you to approach the holiday, that’s okay. Remember that you are empowered to spend the day taking care of yourself and your broken heart in whatever way you need to. Valentine’s Day may always hold sadness for you going forward, but it can also evolve over time to take on new meaning that is personal and fulfilling to you.