Grief, love, and rebuilding: My journey after loss

The tornado of grief

When my husband died, I felt an intensity of grief I had not anticipated. He was older than I was, and I thought when he died I would be sad and miss him very much. I didn’t know I would feel totally blown to bits—like a house you see on television after a tornado, nothing but broken sticks.

I did not anticipate how much of my grief journey would involve rebuilding my own life: allowing in moments of joy and productivity, and reclaiming my memories so grief didn’t consume me completely.

Choosing life

When my brain cleared a little, I actively made myself stop thinking of suicide as an option. I had to discover what my purpose was in still being alive. We used to call each other our raison d’être. With my reason for being gone, what was my reason for being?

My husband was a recovering alcoholic who spent his sober life being available to other alcoholics and addicts. In order to honor him, I decided to make myself available to other grieving people. If I reached one person, it would be enough.

Sharing my voice

I started a blog: Stop thief: Don’t steal my grief – www.griefspeaksout.net. It still receives many hits each month, even though I no longer write new posts.

My Facebook page, Grief Speaks Out, has 2.6 million followers from all over the world and features seven or more posts per day. My book, Grief Day by Day, has sold over 90,000 copies and has more than 2,000 reviews on Amazon—most of them five stars. I’ve been a guest on podcasts and radio shows. The best way to see all I have done is to Google “Jan Warner and grief.” This is something I never expected when I first started.

A life I didn’t expect

If you had told me, when my husband died and I was isolating myself, that I would have many magical things happen in my life, I would have said you were lying. But I have had many adventures and special moments since his death.

He called me Panache, and I try to live up to my nickname. I have an eclectic life. I co-produced a conference called The Resilience of the Human Spirit, which inspired the short documentary Poetry of Resilience. The speakers at the conference were poets who had survived genocide and political terror.

I’ve been an executive producer and creative consultant on other documentaries and was an associate producer for the off-Broadway revival of Tennessee Williams’ The Two Character Play. I also produced an off-Broadway play with Hayley Mills called Party Face.

Currently, I’m involved with the musical SuperYou, which had a concert version at Carnegie Hall. I used my master’s degree in counseling, and training in NLP and hypnotherapy, to work in child abuse prevention and suicide prevention.

Finding connection worldwide

I am a seven-continent person and have been lucky to meet many loving people in different countries. I went to Iran in November, and the people I met there were warm and welcoming. Many of them love the United States and showed great kindness to me.

My most special moment

The most special moment of my life was seeing my granddaughter born. She is 13 now, and some of my happiest moments have been with her and my daughter. With all these adventures, I am writing my memoir. Perhaps it will be published. A lot of it is about living. A lot of it is about dying—and about the struggles of a griever.

Living with grief

I am an ordinary person. I struggle with missing my husband every day. Even though it has been over 15 years since he died, I still grieve for him—because I still love him. The difference is that I have made grief a part of my life. My grief goes with me everywhere I go.

I am not someone who lets go. The tighter I hold on, the easier it is for me to move forward. I call my life decorating the waiting room. I hope to be reunited in the same form with my husband one day, and if I am, I want him to be proud of how I let his love continue to guide me—even after his physical death.

About the author:
Jan Warner is a writer, grief advocate, and speaker who has dedicated her life to supporting others through the grieving process. After the death of her beloved husband, she began sharing her personal journey with loss, helping millions find comfort and connection. Her writing, including the widely acclaimed book Grief Day by Day, offers a compassionate and honest look at the complexities of mourning and healing. http://www.griefdaybyday.com/