My precious baby boy is gone forever, and I never imagined that we didn't have much time. It has been the worst imaginable pain to lose You Clay Clay. I am never going to be the same, and I am starting to think that I will never live another day without breaking down in tears. The heartache and pain of losing you is just as strong as the day you died. So much more goes through my mind, how much you could have done, how different things would be. Everything, everyday, in everyway leads me to thoughts of you. Some are memories, and some are fantasies, but all of them feel like a searing blade has cut me in two. I don't know how to go on, pretending it's all fine, when I don't know how much longer I can do it. I love my boys and the other two are what I keep going on for, but I am consumed in sadness. I don't know how to heal. Clayton, I miss you, every second of every minute of every hour of everyday.