Today i was sorting through some treasured drawings and found this valentine. Conner, i miss you, i miss getting Valentines and giving birthday presents and singing Happy Birthday crazy for your birthday at the beach. You saying, 'come on,' getting everyone to action. The hole in our hearts is big and we feel empty.  To Conner, Love Aunty Ann. Heaven is soon and our hope is real. I can't wait to see you!.

It's been two years too long since you've been gone but you'll always be a light in my life. Missed you everyday big brother

Pictures from our beach gathering yesterday to remember Conner and then some old pictures of all the kids at the beach. Thank you to all our friends and family who remembered Conner with us. #twoyears #loveyouforever#findsomeonetotalkto

7/7/1996-11/16/2015

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. Love and miss you big brother

Two years ago today a lovely boy named Conner left this world to be with God. Bless you sweetheart, you will never be forgotten. 

being the doting auntie of lovely nieces and nephews, i wanted to take pictures. i took pictures, a lot of pictures. but pictures give us only a glimpse and memory does a much better job of bringing to life the countless times of laughter, seeing things from the bright side of life because Conner made us. 

we miss you Conner and we wait that ...there will be heard once more the sounds of joy and gladness... ...from Jeremiah 33

I can't believe it's been a year. Some days time flies by and some days it feels like nothing has changed. Missing you like crazy. Love you big brother

It's been 1 year of missing you - and thinking of you Conner brings tears often. This treasure i found today shows your kindness and gift of bringing laughter and joy to others.

Too many days and moments have passed...We miss you, Conner. We miss sharing family times with you, hearing your laughter and teasing, watching you grow up from that cute, exuberant little boy to a handsome young man. Our heartache is real, your loss is unfathomable. Your parents and siblings are on our hearts and in our prayers as they navigate each day without you. Hugs, tears, memories today and each day as we miss sharing life with you. Love you 

It's hard to believe that it has been a whole year without Conner being with us. We spent the day today together at the beach to remember Conner's Day. #misshim

There will never stop being 13 cousins in the Stickle clan.

Connor. I miss you. So much. It's been a year without you and in this year I've come to realize how much my family means to me. I have so many memories of the family in which you, Bjorn, Cece, Chris, Caitlyn, and anyone else you ended up roping in, cause a ruckus and wreak havoc, leading to exasperated looks and much laughter. 
We miss you. I miss you.

Always 13, just as there will always be 9 in the Hall family.

A year has gone by, and not a single day has lessened from you leaving us. You were always there to help me deal with the over abundant X chromosomes in our cousin group. The only reason why i survived through all the chic flicks and Catholic graduation Masses was you, and your Sarcasm. Truly you were the only person I have ever met that perfected the skill, and undoubtedly surpassed the 10,000 hr rule. Every time I've come back to your home my feeble attempts to move from my normal sarcastic film input to fill in for the chasm you left has fallen impossibly short. Even annoying your sisters to your degree is far too much for me, since the last time I succeeded we somehow managed to crack my head open (but that's another story). Through this last year I've discovered a lot about friendship, family, my inherited tendency to suppress (weakness), and the reality that I possessed an incredibly supportive MBA family. I would like to thank all those who went above and beyond in supporting me as Conor and my Grandma fell asleep in the same week. Whether it was by taking me to the beach, and literally crying for me as I sat staring blankly at the sea, going after me to see how I was handling everything, or keep on pressing their goofy face on me as I turned away from them about to finally crack releasing all my (weakness)/tears in front of the entire school. I miss ya Conor, and I know if I strive every day to become even half the friend, and brother you were I would be able to die knowing I lived a complete life. I will cherish all the memories we had together for I love you, and really wish I had said that more often.

Good night Grandma Rose. Good night Conner Hall. You both fought your pains for so long, cancer and depression. You are strong and you both are fighters. You fell asleep for the last time a week apart.

Conner, your sisters, mother, father, cousin, and I spent the evening telling funny stories involving you. They all involved you getting into all sorts of goofy shenanigans. You are loved and will always be remembered, Conner. We want to make sure others know that they are not ...alone in their pain, that they can speak up about it and not be afraid of judgement.

Grandma, your grandchildren swapped stories about you after Grampa called and said you'd fallen asleep. You aren't hurting anymore. For four years you fought cancer in order to see four grandchildren graduate high school, one graduate college, and one graduate medical school and get married. You held on tight and attended all that you could. I'm thankful that you were able to be there for those things. We will miss you at the rest of the six high school graduations and the rest of the college graduations. We will miss your knotte hats or scarves at Christmas. We will miss your smile and hugs. We miss you, Grandma.

Sleep well, you two. We love you  --Kari

Sigh... Man I'm going to miss you Conner! All the awesome times we had, I still remember us playing keep away with your sisters doll and ending with me cracking my head on the ceiling. I'm going to miss watching movies with you, all the sarcastic comments... You were the reason why I could watch any chick flick your sisters wanted and ended up enjoying it more than them! I love you man. You are and always will be my favorite cousin. Love you --Bjorn

Conner Edwin Hall, you will always be loved. --Kari Ann Stickle

Joy December 2013

--what a beautiful, happy picture with lots of love in it!!! Love all three of you so much!!! --Aunt Susan

Precious Big Brother --Aunt Brit

That is the face of a brother feeling the love, little as he wants to admit it. You are in our broken hearts.... --Cousin Micheal

Loving your big brother Conner then and now... --Aunt Ann

This is the precious little boy I will always remember... --Theresa Kennedy-DuPay 

Remembering Conner - the cousins... ‪ --Aunt Jane

Hearts breaking with my sister Barbara Jean Hall, Eric Hall and their dear family as we grieve the loss of my nephew, Conner. No words can express the heartache... Thank you for your love, thoughts and prayers for all our family. Loved this young man so much and his fun-loving, teasing ways, his tender heart. The special place he held in our family now has a huge gaping hole. Oh do we miss you already… Please, Jesus, comfort us all. --Susan Woods

Adding flowers to Conner's garden at the beach

Another heartbreaking tragedy this weekend. Jack O'Hollaren, a close friend of Conner's for many years, went swimming this weekend at the Oregon coast and disappeared into the waves. This was four months to the day that Conner left us. I have really no words, only sadness. #why  --Dad Eric

“But Mom, you are sad all the time,” one of girls says and the other kids all agree. We are sharing how we mourn at a family session with our grief counselor.

That stops me in my tracks and bothers me the more I consider it. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want my children to remember me.

I do my crying in the car when I am driving by myself where sobbing aloud and tears streaming unstopped down my face won’t discomfit my family and friends. Tears do leak out other times too though, when something reminds me how much I miss Conner or what he is missing now. This is going to be a lifetime sorrow. I can’t “get over” missing our boy.

What I am looking for is a way to be joyful in my sorrow. I want our kids to feel and know that I am celebrating their accomplishments and good days with them. I want to be a happy person for my kids, for myself, and for Eric.

I know God has Conner. God knew Conner even before he begun to grow inside me. God loved him even more than we could through all the wonderful nineteen years we had Conner. God knew Conner’s battles with depression when we had no idea what was taking place. God has Conner’s precious uniqueness and gentleness and intelligence saved as He holds him in His heart. I trust Him to hold our boy.

We have had family and friends supporting us each step of our journey into this new normal.  I have tons to be thankful for in the generosity from the people in my life. But I find that thankfulness and sadness are not mutually exclusive.

Have you ever looked at your resting face in the mirror? You know, the one where you are totally relaxed and not reacting to anything or anyone? I have looked and my relaxed face is morose. My resting face looks sad. I am totally handicapped on portraying any joy I do feel!

Finding the joy. Being happy in my sadness. This is my current mission.

Today the beautiful sunrise shone glory straight to my heart. Later, I was amused by Cece’s plotting how to delay her Biology test while I drove her to the dentist. I will keep on the lookout for more joy bringing moments… 

https://7cees.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/75/ 

It has now been two months since Conner died. There is not a day where I do not think about that morning or him, but we are all aligning to a "new" normal; the kids are back to school, I am back working, hopefully productively, and Caity landed her first engineering job. This has really been the first week where I have been able to do any sort of writing at all, but I have been able to do some work writing, some poetry, and this blog so far.

In December there were a few moments where I could fool myself into thinking that Conner was just still at college, that it has been just a bad dream, but reality always intruded. I think though that I don’t really want a day where I do not think of him or his siblings or his mother, so I guess it is good that reality intrudes even it it does place awful images into my brain. I’ll just continue to try with some coping mechanisms to replace the awful images with better images.

Christmas was busy with family and friends visiting and having a nice progressive dinner with our neighbors which helped to take my mind off of him, but the holidays were more subdued if only because Conner was not there pestering his sisters and getting them to yell at him, arguing with his brother on some minutia, or because we missed his commentary on movies that we watched together or on books that he was reading.

We had a nice memorial at the beach at sunrise on New Years weekend. We decided to get up early and go down to the sand to say goodbye to Conner’s remains. I found some writing that Conner did for a school paper or something and I read it out loud that morning. He tells us:

There is nothing better to me than the feel of sand beneath my feet, the grains slipping between my toes. Coupled with the smell of salt and the sound of the crushing waves these feelings create the perfect place for me. The beach shows me that oftentimes changes bring new and interesting possibilities. The beach, the Oregon coast in particular, has always been part of my life. To me there is no better place to throw around a ball, relax in the sun, or simply fall asleep than the beach. It is where I feel relaxed. For me the beach is made by the people that I spend time with there. It has taught me about how change is an integral part of life, and how important family is.”

Conner is now forever part of the beach, part of the ebb and flow of the shore, that transitional area between land and sea. His voice is in the sound of the surf. Rest in Peace Conner.

A life gone too soon
Only memories to reflect
His laughter and love

--Dad Eric

https://7cees.wordpress.com/2016/01/18/two-months

Some of the beautiful flowers that we received as a memorial to Conner. Thanks to everyone for their support and love these past couple of weeks. #love#misshim --Dad Eric

Dear Conner, I miss you cousin. You brought many a smile to me and those around you. I have so many wonderful memories of you. All those crazy cousin get-togethers where we ran around like hooligans and had the time of our lives. Not to mention the great silly faces we could all pull off, though never quite as good as you could. Our parents tried to get lots of photos of all us cousins at one sitting, and you always spiced it up a bit with your goofiness. I remember at one time when we were little you liked the killer whale "Kiko", and you would run around pretending to be the whale and say "Kiko, Kiko, Kiko, I'm Kiko the killer whale!" over and over again. It always made me laugh. :D You are so good at making people smile and laugh. You will always have a place in our hearts. I love you, Conner.  --Cousin Janelle Woods

He was like a part of my family. I can't help but mourn him and wish it was different...

July 7 1996--November 16 2015

Cyclamen veins on the petal, pink and white,
like the veins of your translucent temple-
fragile, so tender, remain in my mind
as I remember you now.

And the lustre of your young blue iris,
bursting with promise and intelligence...

How can it now be stilled?
How can it now be gone?

I wish you had stayed your hand,
on that cold day in November
when the warm blackness of a final sleep
seemed preferable, and you who
could not continue, explained
you were “tired” and must go.

I wish you had stayed your hand.

But you didn't and we are left in this void,
to remember the boy you used to be.

The young have tunnel vision,
and often cannot see past what they focus on.
It’s likely you were no different.

Lost in an eternal now, you couldn't see,
the faint light at the tip of your drifting shadow.
you couldn't climb out of what it was
you had wandered into.

But it is your youth and innocence,
that protect you.

You didn't know. You just didn't know,
to what extent the pain would travel
and to whom it would mightily touch
and transfigure.

If there is a God, he holds you now,
safe and hidden. I want to believe that.

I want to believe you have no memory,
of this world, of the stark cold want
that permeates this undulating planet,
but only of those of us who loved you.
I want to think of your smile and laugh
as the defining feature of who you used to be.

I want to recall how happy you were,
when Amelia and I came over for visits.

How you would fly down the stairs,
your little feet so quick as you pattered
across the dining room, to take a flying
leap onto the couch, that big smile
on your face, as you held your blanket
grinning, with a finger in your mouth.

I want to recall the holidays spent with you,
and your parents and many siblings
how your giggle made me smile, and I would
tousle your blond head in affection.

More than anything, I want to know,
you are safe in the confines of the cradle
of this universe, that the soft brush of
each chill wind does not possess you
but that you have moved on-
your innocence forgiven
to develop into something else
a blossoming, a flowering
like Cyclamen veins on the petal.

Rest in peaceful, warm sleep Conner,
You are home now.

--Theresa Kennedy-DuPay 

So many people have shared love with us this week. Yesterday our Celebration of Conner's Life was filled with love. Thank you!  

Today I ask for prayers for Mom and Dad Stickle. Daddy, sister Susan, Uncle Ed and Aunty Sue, friends and neighbors have been surrounding Mom with love and care and music and flowers. Family that joined us through this week are headed back/have arrived back to be with her. Father God, please hold her tightly too.

--Barbara

On Tuesday when Melissa stopped by she had Will's three month old puppy with her. That adorable little guy made his rounds for loving. That evening the girls got online and looked for "Puppies for Rent" and only found a therapy llama or alpaca. Sorry girls, mom nixed that idea.

I told Fergie the story the next morning and she and Anna let me know that if I hadn't said no, they would tell the girls no on the llama!

Half an hour later Christian showed up with their three dogs. What a gift to share! Lots of loving and a run in the park!

Cece put out a call on Instagram for some furry therapy visits! She has been busy scheduling visits from all the cat and dog offers (and one offer of a little sister)!

Beautiful blessing for the girls! Thanks to Emma and Hope who visited with their pups yesterday.

by Cheyenne Schoen

Family and friends filled the chapel in Christie Hall Monday night in remembrance of sophomore Conner Hall’s life. The Portland native, one of seven children, died by suicide on Nov. 16, according to University President Fr. Mark Poorman. Hall was honored at the annual “Mass of Remembrance” in the Chapel of Christ the Teacher Tuesday evening.

Poorman sent an email to the campus community with the news Monday morning.

“With great sadness, I write to inform you of the death of Conner Hall, a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. We learned this morning that Conner tragically lost his life to suicide,” Poorman said in the email.

Hall graduated from Central Catholic High School in 2014 and was a member of the Christie Hall community. He was pursuing a degree in chemistry and enjoyed comics, Star Wars and reading.

Hall’s father, Eric Hall, attended the Christie Hall Mass Monday night. He was moved by the amount of people that showed their support that night.

“There’s always hope,” Hall said to the congregation.

Christie Hall Director Joe Burke said that the incident is a reminder to reach out to one another.

“This is a reminder that our words and our actions to each other are important,” Burke said. “What we say and what we don’t say and when we say it matter, even in the smallest of ways. I think it’s so important to be able to show each other that we care about each other, even the strangers among us. And we can do that in so many different ways, even just by how we greet each other on a daily basis.”

Counseling services are available in the University Health Center located in Orrico Hall. The phone number for the Health Center is 503-943-7134.

Cheyenne is a reporter at The Beacon. She can be reached at schoen17@up.edu.

Anyone who is struggling with mental health may receive immediate help by visiting Suicide.org or by calling 1-800-SUICIDE.

Eric so appreciates that he has heard from all of his far flung six siblings and so many of the Hall family will be with us on Saturday. My precious Mama is ending her battle with cancer and Daddy and some of my Stickle siblings will be caring for her and giving her our hugs and kisses while mourning with us. My brother Edwin and Brit will be supporting their children this weekend. All the Stickle family and relates who will join us Saturday are appreciated.  --Mom Barbara

I am running out of words to say. ‪#‎love‬ ‪#‎misshim‬ ‪#‎misshimsomuch‬ --Dad Eric

5 am, the day after

I didn't think I would sleep last night but somehow I managed to eek out a couple hours. It turns out grief feels like you're vibrating on the edge of a dark hole deep within your stomach. You're exhausted and wide awake at the same time. Everyone keeps telling you to drink water so you do, for the sake of something, anything to do, but that means you're also constantly in the bathroom. The whole day seems to pass in an endless cycle of crying and peeing. And the whole time I kept thinking, "You would make fun of all of us for this."

I keep thinking about that last day, and how kind you were even as you were suffering. How you sat down with every one of your sisters and talked to them. It didn't feel like a goodbye. Just about stupid little things. You gave a stack of books to Channin and told me that it was an "older sibling's unique pleasure to give a littler one books." That morning as we sat at the dinning room table together eating breakfast sandwiches (oh, how glad I am that we had that breakfast together), you were rereading a book I gave to you and you talked about how you always wondered if the dog-eared pages in secondhand books meant something to the person who read it before you, or if it just was meant to keep their place. I knew it was stupid but afterwards, I opened that book and looked at every one of the dog ears, hoping to have them meant something, anything. Not a single one looked like it was more than a bookmark.

Oh, how I wish I could have helped you.

Grief makes you feel like you're drunk, dead limbed and numb. Your thoughts jump from one to another faster than light, bending time and gravity to focus the universe on that empty place where Conner should be. You struggle to find even the smallest bit of peace in your head. Sometimes you manage to turn the constant litany of "my baby brother is dead my baby brother is dead my baby brother is dead" to "my baby brother is dead and I love him" and even that feels like a victory.

Maybe some day, a long time from now, that will turn into just a simple "I love him". I don't know how now but I hope so. He would want that. Conner had so much love to give.

I love you Conner. I'm not ready to say goodbye to your laugh, your smile, your strength, your quick wit. You will always be my baby brother. I will always miss you.

--Caity 

Day two without my baby boy. So many questions, but no answers.... ‪#‎love‬ --Dad Eric

In memorial to Conner. You are loved. You will not be forgotten. You will be missed terribly. It is never hopeless.  --Dad Eric

We miss our baby boy, our treasured 19 year old college student, the 3rd C of our 7 Cees. Conner, all our love is with you.  --Mom Barbara