A long Overdue letter to a Brother

Dear Elmo,

I've wanted to write you for quite some time now. I'm going to try and cover the good, the bad and the ugly of our history, but just so you know, in the end I see it as all pretty wonderful.

As a qualifier, I need to say up front that this can be no more than my own limited perception and that I don't believe any two people on the planet experience and interpret the same reality in the same way.

First off, I think mom and dad were wonderful, kind hearted and wanted to be the best parents they could be. They lavished material things on us which was a high priority for the generation coming after the depression. They also demonstrated a good moral code and high ethical standards. Not too bad a job right there in and of itself. But in a way they were children themselves and were very much focused on their own rising success, social standing and having fun.

They thought by giving us the freedom and responsibility to raise ourselves we would be strong and independent. I can't remember them ever sitting down and doing a homework assignment with us or even checking to see if we did our homework. I don't remember seeing them at ballgames very often, although I could be mistaken. I do remember staying out to all hours at a very young age with no one to answer to.

For me personally and I won't speak for anyone else, it left me with no self- discipline, low self-esteem and a third grade education when I exited high school. I guess the worst part was I never felt a strong connection to mom or dad which left me with something less than a strong sense of who I was.

But all of this is really only to lay a framework for what I really want to talk about and that is our relationship.

Dad was no doubt an alpha, as were you and even Vickie to some extent. I came along and attempted to assert myself, evidenced by my uncontrollable temper, but eventually succumbed and went underground (introverted and passive). This would eventually lead to a severe depression and running away to a commune. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

You and I became polarized and alienated at a very young age. There was probably even a certain amount of meanness between us. Believe me when I tell you I attribute all of this to nothing more than children who were left to themselves without the balanced love and disciplined they so much need on a daily basis. Parenting has to be a top priority and a singular focus. I'm not judging Mom and Dad. I can't afford to, I made too many mistakes raising my own children.

I just wanted you to know that all that history has been entirely healed within me and I hope is also healed in you.

I had such an emptiness in me for so long, I read everything I could comprehend in philosophy, theology, metaphysics and psychology to fill the void. I want to tell you that I learned one of the greatest lessons of my life from you when we were doing the moving in Florida a couple of years ago.

As we were moving things from one house to another, you engaged every person that crossed our path. You left each of them uplifted if not laughing. I could not believe the energy you gave and received from those encounters.

I had spent most of my life talking more to myself than to others. After those few days with you, I wanted to be just like you when I had spent so many years trying to be different from you.

Ever since that time I go out of my way to engage every waitress, checkout person and individual on the street I can. It has been life changing for me. When Linda and I were in NYC, I was out of control messing with people and it was so much fun and life giving. I was going down the elevator one morning to get coffee for Linda and me and these two 55 year old women were talking about their diets and struggles with their weight. I said you two women look great, you're a couple of babes if you ask me. They started laughing and continued laughing all the way through the lobby. The whole encounter put a spring in my step also.

I want to be just like you when I grow up. I guess that's the way it is supposed to be between brothers, I just didn't know it.

Much love,

Elmo

For years there has been a group of guys meeting for lunch on Tuesdays at a bar called The Dirty Drummer here in Phoenix. The luncheons were inspired by Ben Bada who is now 85 and who did concrete for our business for nearly 30 years. On Tuesdays the burgers are 1/2 price. David became a regular at "Burgers With Ben" and everyone enjoyed his jokes and wisdom. NOBODY ever ordered anything except burgers- except for Dave's first time when he ordered pastrami on rye. Immediately everything went silent in the bar, as if he had just committed the ultimate crime. He never ordered anything except a burger ever since. As a side note when brother Michael came for a couple of visits he joined us and, in true Michael form, suggested that he had possibly had an affair with Karen's (pictured above) mom in Detroit and that she was his daughter. Karen got a chuckle out of it and now we refer to Michael as her surrogate dad.

The patriarch of the Van Lokeren family, George, was in Phoenix with his children to celebrate his 78th birthday. We told him that we were going to eat at Pinnacle Peak, a western themed restaurant on the outskirts of town and he had to dress down- in other words wear bluejeans, which he didn't have and had never owned. Vicky and Mary Alice took him shopping, bought the jeans which he wore to the restaurant. He never wore them again.

David and I were alone on St. Simons Island for a few days after Mary Alice left. David was getting some rays on the beach while I was painting in our condo. I heard the gate open to the patio and, expecting to see David, was startled by two winsome faces looking around the corner of the door. "Jim, can you come out and play?", one asked. My reply was incoherent, possibly I was speaking in tongues with no meaning. They laughed and then David came in laughing like crazy. They were good natured college girls who were walking the beach and Dave, with his good looks and charm, persuaded the girls to play a trick on me. He was a very charming man.

Please notice Gentleman Dave's hands- forever the consumate good guy.

My good friend Jamie Anthony, David and I were exploring some of the many marsh islands on the Georgia coast. It was a perfect day, sunny, warm and no bugs. It was low tide as we walked a remote beach. After seeing an exposed oyster bed I told how my dad would pick oysters, open them with a knife and eat them on the spot. "Too bad we don't have a knife," I said. Jamie had one and, as if on a dare, we each had a fresh oyster, which was salty, a little gritty but pretty good- it went down smoothly. After our snack David admitted that he was always reluctant to eat oysters and that this was the first one ever. What's the definition of the bravest man in the world? The 1st man to eat an oyster! David was the bravest man in the world.

Whenever I make eggs for breakfast, I remember Dave, with his mischievous smile, asking me if I knew how to shipwreck an egg.   He then proceeded to show me how.

Now, may you be enjoying the Heavenly Banquet, Dave!

Carol Proulx

Whenever I make eggs for breakfast, I remember Dave, with his mischievous smile, asking me if I knew how to shipwreck an egg.   He then proceeded to show me how.

Now, may you be enjoying the Heavenly Banquet, Dave!

Carol Proulx