'Rene made it clear after her January/February 2013 stint in the hospital and rehab that she wanted to never set foot again in any health care institution. She knew her bladder cancer would eventually take her life, but she wished to do it at home. With the wonderful support of hospice from February on, and the nearly heroic efforts of the family - particularly my Dad, Karen, and Seth, she got her wish.

Seth could secure her cooperation when no one else could, whether to take a pill or eat or move. "I want Seth" she would say. The hospice nurse later said she had only once before seen a grandson care for a grandparent like Seth did 'Rene.

As 'Rene became bed ridden and her condition became critical, Linda gave up her life in Georgia to come help. She arrived a few weeks before Christmas. Jordan arrived from his college in British Columbia on December 21, and Bill arrived that same weekend. So we were all here - Dad, Karen, Linda, Bill, Seth, Ian, Liz, Jordan, Jim and me. We all took turns sitting with her. She was quite conscious right up to the night she died, so we talked with her, read poems, Shakespeare, and the Bible to her, and played all kinds of music.

Jim gave her a private concert one night, while Liz and I sang along. Although she could barely talk, she would smile and say "That's beautiful." The second to last afternoon I played Bach's B Minor Mass, St. Matthew's Passion, and the Brandenburgs. Bach was the music of the spheres to her. I would say "Oh, I love this movement!" And she would croak out "I do too." We listened to the "Kriste" duet from the B Minor Mass that we had sung together long ago at the University Hills Church when I was in High School. You could see it still seemed worth living to be able to hear music like that.

We celebrated our traditional Christmas Eve dinner without her. Under the circumstances, we cut down the variety of traditional Swedish dishes and limited it to just the family rather than the usual party. But we sang the traditional carols in their room by her bed. When we sang "Joy to the World," her favorite hymn, she broke into a smile. Singing in harmony the final Christmas tune, a gentle "Silent Night," by her bed, brought tears to our eyes, knowing as the last notes faded away that this would be the last Christmas carol with our mom. 

On the 27th while I was with her, she mumbled "My mother is coming." Surprised, I asked her to repeat it. But instead she said "Your mother is leaving."  She pointed and reached her hands into the air, and Linda and I both asked her what she saw, but she wouldn't say anything.

On the 28th, we all had a chance to see her and  tell her we love her.  When I was taking my turn alone with her,she held my hand and just stared at with me with all the love she could gather from her soul. She wanted to make sure I knew. I went down to dinner with the rest of the family, who were all gathered together. When we went back up to see her after dinner, she was unconscious. 

Her breathing had been labored, so it woke Joe when it stopped at about 3:30 am  on the 29th. He woke Karen, who awakened her boys and me, and I woke everyone else. We were all together within an hour at the house. We cried, and sang, and talked by her bedside. We may have lost her, but her love filled the room that night.

I could say so many things about my mom – how fun she was, how smart, how her clear but gentle discipline made us some of the best-behaved kids around, how her love for music pervaded our lives. But the most amazing thing about her was the love and acceptance everyone felt in her presence. 

She somehow managed to create a force field of love all around her. Where did it come from? I believe it flowed from a radical self-acceptance, which allowed her to accept everyone else, however they came to her. She was living proof that to fully love others, you have to first fully accept and love yourself, with all your faults, foibles, and mistakes. 

Where did that radical self-acceptance come from? 

I believe it was built first from her in-born indomitable energy and spirit, supported by the love of her parents and extended family. Second, -- her belief in a loving God, with unlimited grace. She was a true Universalist, believing God brought within his embrace all people, whether they "believed in him" or not. Third, she thrived in the constant love, admiration, and affection of a good man, my Dad. He never tried to shape her to his own idea of what she should be. Even though she was a little crazy and resisted all attempts to get her to conform, he always loved her just as she was. Finally, her radical self-acceptance came from the choices she herself made as her life unfolded. 

To many, our family often seemed almost too perfect. But anyone who is close to us knows we had our challenges. Don't we all? One year was particularly bad - when Linda was born with spina bifida, with dire predictions as to her possible future, and 'Rene's mother died - just when she needed her most. My mom, with unrealistic expectations of my dad, spun apart from him, and sank into depression. Divorce looked like a realistic option. What did she do? She realized it was up to her to choose her future, and she chose life. She decided to stop putting expectations on my dad that he could not then fulfill, to love him as he was, to accept herself as she was, and to keep the family together. It was in the moment of greatest failure and weakness that she chose love. 

All of you here probably felt the force of that total love and acceptance at some point. It was not polly-anish. She took everyone "as is" and usually had a clear idea of what that meant. She understood that our vulnerabilities and mistakes are often what make us most lovable to others. 

Just as she gave everyone else space to be themselves, she resisted any attempt by society or her family to box her in. She purposely became a chemist because that was something girls didn't do. A grammar-nut and a stickler for manners, she would say to us "I ain't no lady!" - just to make it clear that she refused to stay in that straightjacket.  Once when I was shopping with her, she bought herself a dress, and I whined that it was only fair that I get one too, she quickly pushed aside that attempt at guilt-tripping: "When you're grown up you can buy yourself whatever you want." When we became feminists in our teens and criticized her for her choice to leave her professional career as a chemist to stay at home with us, her children (who clearly benefited from that choice), she said she was happy with her choice – although she did identify as a feminist. Once she took me out to a nice restaurant in Ann Arbor for a delicious lunch, where I attacked her for her bourgeois ways - which I learned about through my parent-paid U-M education. It didn't ruffle her – "May I please have the salt?" She knew who she was. The only thing she ever lied about to us was her age - another box she refused to occupy. 

It made total sense to me when she said she wanted to be cremated and have her ashes spread at the beach at our Lake Michigan home. No way she could accept being put in a box for eternity. She wants to be with the earth, the wind, the waves, which is where she belongs.

Many people have asked us about the Memorial Service - both those who were there and those who could not make it. We are posting bits of it on this website, including the videos, songs, and Bible passages. This is the order of service:

Memorial Service for Irene Larson

2/20/1923 – 12/29/2013 

Birmingham Unitarian Church

1/3/2014

Officiating:     Dr. Reverend Kathy Hurt

                      Dr. Reverend Mary Lloyd

Welcome 

Candle lighting 

Hymn: Love Lifted Me               

Scripture                               Isaiah 41 

Soon I Will Be Done           Spiritual, arr. by Wm Dawson, Cantata Academy Chorale, Assistant conductor: Margaret Reese

Obituary 

Family Eulogy  (Seth Clarinet; Ian on guitar singing a song he wrote; Karen, Mary Jo, and Linda, each a spoken eulogy; Back Door Open song sung by all children and grandchildren - Karen, Mary Jo, Linda, Seth, Ian, Liz, and Jordan, accompanied by Jim Bizer; Summertime lullably sung by Jan Krist, accompanied by Jim Bizer)

Hymn: Amazing Grace 

Offertory                              John Nesbeck, Cantata Academy Chorale 

Pastor's Message:             Zephaniah 3:17 

Hymn: He Lives 

Scriptures of Comfort 

End of the Road                 Jim Bizer, performed by Jim Bizer and Jan Krist 

Bye                                         Jim Bizer, video by Ian Payson 

Hymn: Joy to the world 

Postlude 

The family invites you to lunch at 'Rene's favorite: Buddy's Pizza. Turn right out of the parking lot onto Lone Pine, about 2 miles to Lahser, turn left, 4 miles to 13 Mile Rd, turn right, 3.5 Miles to Northwestern, turn right, then on your right just after Middlebelt. 

The family also invites everyone to visit www.forevermissed.com , search for Irene Larson, and contribute stories and pictures about how Irene touched your life.