Today marks one year of my Dad not being with us.  Losing my Dad is the most difficult event I've ever had to endure.  This is because of the great love, respect and relationship we had.  My husband would joke about where he landed on the totem pole...under my Dad. During the evil process of cancer, I would find myself thinking about life without my Dad. It seemed impossible. There was NO WAY we would lose him.  "But what if?" would sneak into my mind.  Instantly I would catch my breath and think there's no way I can live in a world that doesn't include my Dad. The pain would KILL me.  Well, I'm not dead.  It took one breath at a time, then one hour at a time. And now here I am a year later- and pregnant with our first chirld. James Maxfield Vaughan.

Our family is so full of unconditional love and mutual respect.  Something I did not realize until later in life.  When you are in the middle of something, it's easy to take it for granted - like it is the norm.  Unfortunately the kind of love our family shares is not the norm.  So the treasure I have is even more valuable than I realized. 

I believe I have cried every day for over a year.  I neglected and lost friends by excluding people from my life.  Needing to grieve and mourn took priority.   And few people truly understand grief - real grief.  Cliches, "hang in there", and the like were only frustrating.  Right or wrong I used crutches such as wine to numb me through the intensity of the pain.  But continued to be proactive in my daily devotions - knowing my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is the only true Healer.  My faith was so shaken by the fact that my Dad was not healed in the way that I wanted.  I was angry. So praying for restoration in my life was just moving through the motions...not exactly sure what I believed.  Just having a constant "WHY?" My sweet husband endured the mourning, anger, crutches - he stood by me and supported me.

 Meanwhile life kept moving on around me.  I felt like I was in a bubble watching things happening, but I felt nothing.  The daily "problems" of other people were so petty. So selfish. 

My Dad was born to be a Dad. That was his calling and gift in life.  He was great at it! Kids were always drawn to him.  Not in the way that he spoiled us - he was always teaching us. He taught me how to change the oil in my car, how to check the spark plugs, air filter, tires, etc. He taught me how to balance my check book, to have a savings account.  How to clean and organize the house, mow the grass, do laundry.  I could go on and on.  These were lessons in responsibility.  A priceless gift.  But it wasn't all work. We had BBQ's, camping trips, vacations, days and days on the boat, game nights...for us this was normal life. 

I am so grateful for the time I was given with my Dad - as short as it was, it was FULL of life.  I will continue to miss him every day, but at least I don't cry as much.  I will continue to grow and not get bogged down in the sadness.  Because I choose to grow, I choose to live.  I wish I had spent every available chance with him. Living so far away, I should have spent every holiday and vacation with him.  He only got those few times a year. Another lesson learned, the hard way.  This is one I will struggle with. It will be difficult to not be bitter with each passing holiday. 

 Ecclesiastes is my favorite book in the Bible - life is a LONG lesson.  Every time I read this book I am reminded to focus on the big picture, of what truly matters. That this world is not our home, Heaven is. 

I know this story is jumbled thoughts. These are my feelings, my pain and the experience of my growing.  By the way, our little James Max will be born in about a week.  And you know my Dad hand picked him.

Hospitality was the heart of Jim and Dee's home. Many times over the years as I  enjoy blackened fish I am reminded of Jim's personal touch on the blackened seasoning he made himself. No one can blacking fish like Jim. His joy of making one feel at home and sharing his cooking skills has made a lasing memory for me. It seems as though he was as caring about the fish he served others as he would be with the 'fish' he was served for nurturing and care for the sake of the Kingdom. A true servant of the Lord.
 

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.  Jim was not here for his 64th Birthday. He was here in my heart.  The lilly from his funeral, that sits in my dining room, bloomed for the first time yesterday.  That was a sign, I believe.

Sixty-four years ago, I was a little girl of almost five years of age. My parents and I had lived with my Grandmother, Great Aunt and Uncle since my Dad had been serving in the Army during WWII.  He spent most of his service time in the European Theater. I remember he was home rarely and I barely recognized him when he came home in his military uniform and walked into the yard.  I ran from him until I got to know him again. We continued to live with my Grandmother, until my Dad found a job, after returning from the military.

I got a pleasant surprise on March 31, 1947.  It was a surprise because I didn't know my parents were expecting another child.  (Children were not given this information in the 1940's.) At least, mine didn't share this info. with me.  One day my Mother was gone.  She just was not there.  My grandmother, and my aunt were quiet and kept the news to themselves.  They told me that my mother went on a trip and she would be home soon, I couldn't understand this, she was always home.  Then after five days of wondering and worrying about my mother, I was playing, with my doll, on the porch.  I saw a long black vehicle driving right up to the porch.  I had never seen a vehicle like that before.  I ran and hid around the corner, where I could "peep" out and see what was happening. Two men, who looked as if they were in uniform, went to the rear of the vehicle, (that I later learned was an ambulance).  They opened the back and lifted what seemed to be, a bed on wheels out of the long black vehicle.  I kept very still and continued to watch even though I was very frightened.  As they lifted the "bed on wheels" onto the porch, I could see now, "it was my mother lying on the bed."  They rolled the stretcher closer to my hiding place, in the corner and I could see a tiny bundle in my mother's arms.  I was so excited, I left my hiding place and ran to my mother's side.  I looked into the eyes of the cutest baby doll I had ever seen.  It was "baby Jimmy".  He was rosy cheeked and his hair was strawberry blond, his hair looked red in the sunlight. I was so happy as my mother said, "this is your new baby brother".  Later, his red hair turned light blond and his head was covered solid with curls. I thought he was as cute as a real live doll and I helped my mother care for him (as much as a five year old could).  We moved to another state later that year, where our Dad found a job.  Four years later, our sister, Carol was born.  Times had changed, and we were able to visit her in the "Holy Name Of Jesus Hospital".  They let us see her and we knew that she was expected, so we were looking forward to her arrival. She also had platinum blond hair and blue eyes. 

We were all very close growing up. Many of our prayers went up for Jim as we prayed constantly while he served in the Air Force, in Vietnam.  We were very blessed as he returned home safely,  We always remained close and Jim was a favorite uncle to our three children,  He and my husband, Lawson, were as close as brothers.  All of Jim's nieces and nephews loved him and looked up to him as a role model. Jim will always be in our hearts and I will always remember the day I saw him come into my life as a small bundle, in my mother's arms.  (He was taller than the average baby "and more handsome than the average baby, in my opinion").

Soon, Jim's daughter, Kim and her Husband Brent, will welcome their new baby into this world and I know Jim will be celebrating in Heaven. I can't wait to meet this new "little bundle of love".

I know Dee missed Jim yesterday on his birthday and there will always be an empty place in her life, until they meet again.  They loved each other very much, (As Jim loved all of his family, Kim, Jon, Matthew, Melissa, and all of the grands, as well as Carol and her family and me and my family).

"Jimmy will always be a part of my Heart, as I look forward to being with him Again.  This time, he will be home Waiting for me to arrive."

LOVE, FOREVER,

"JEANNIE"