Sweetheart. I celebrated my first Birthday without you a couple weeks ago. It goes without saying I missed you. I spent it with Brett and Annie in NYC. First time taking that trip without you. I supposed there will be a lot of “firsts” for a while.
I’ve been thinking about some of the “Lasts” we shared. Like your Last Birthday. Number 55. We spent it at City of Hope. It was a chemo day. Same for our Last Anniversary together. Number 19. Another chemo day. We made it fun though didn’t we? Or should I say you made it fun somehow. I was smiling to myself thinking about the old man you were sitting next to in the chemo waiting room. It was your Birthday and the waiting room was jammed packed. Lots of cancer going around apparently. You were in your wheelchair, beautifully bald and full of piss & vinegar as usual. The old man sitting next to you looked like death warmed over... sad droopy face... staring at nothing. You tried to rouse him back to life by asking him his name. ‘William’ he replied. You said, “Buck up William. We live, we die, and we try to love as many women as we can in between." Lol…shit. William sort of perked up after that. I wonder if he’s still kicking.
So, First Thanksgiving without you is right around the corner. Several of our friends have invited me over, but I’m sticking with our tradition and staying home to cook. Since I usually only made the bean casserole, I’ve got my work cut out for me. The Mother and daughter staying in our guest house are joining me for the meal. Turns out they are also Thanksgiving orphans so I invited them over and they accepted. The 16 year old daughter is making pumpkin pie. Her first.:) She’s doing some kind of chiffon thing on top of the pie so it ought to be interesting... I mean delicious. I bought a pretty big turkey. Maybe too big. I have a feeling the cats are going to get a lot of turkey treats this year.
I’ve been a bit down in the dumps lately. Can’t seem to shake it. Maybe it’s the Holiday blues thing. Or maybe the spouse dying of cancer thing. People have sent some pretty good books that I’m not reading like: “It’s ok Not to be ok.” ...“The grieving we don’t talk about”...“How to get over loss and start living again" The Hospice people keep offering me grief counseling, but you know me, talking to a stranger about my deepest sorrow is akin to putting needles in my eyes. So…here I am writing to you as my grief therapy. I might as well since I think about you all the time. I miss kissing you. I miss holding hands. I miss talking to you about all the little things that go on in our lives. Tell me Sweetheart…are you ringing those chimes Wendi made you to get my attention? If so, I want you to know I’m listening. What a beautiful sound they make. Heavenly.
I’ll be back to give you an update on how I did cooking our Thanksgiving Turkey for the first time. I'll miss you.