I'd like to share the letter I wrote to Jeffrey (or to his soul) right after he passed...
Dear Jeffrey,
I have been beating myself up the past couple of days for not having had the chance to tell you some very meaningful things to me. I know you wouldn't want me to feel bad because you were such a positive person. I am saying these things now and hoping you can hear me. Jeffrey, the first time I saw you, I was standing outside of the Monday night Burbank meeting, one of my first meetings ever. I was crying to Sharon and Colette about some stupid boy (shocker, right?) and I remember seeing this adorable man with a killer jacket and a rockin haircut walk by. He turned to me with an empathetic smile and said, "I know how you feel. It hurts but you'll be okay." And that was my introduction to you Jeffrey. I smile quickly spread across my cheeks and I was instantly drawn to you. I knew you were someone I wanted to get to know and that I did. Jeffrey, you are truly one of a kind. I have never in my life experienced anyone quite as quirky and unique. Your enormous smile and contagious laughter are just two of the characteristics that make you shine. I remember when you asked me at a meeting on my bellybutton birthday, if you could be my fairy godfather. I laughed but you kept a straight face and said, "No, really, I feel like I am your fairy godfather," and that you are. I mentioned to Gagik that I can't help but picture you with fairy wings looking down on us. I feel your presence deeply and will forever carry your spirit with me. About a month before you passed, on our drive to the hospital, you looked at me with tears in your eyes and said, "I know this sounds silly but If I had a daughter I'd want her to be like you." Those were probably the most touching words ever spoken to me. You then kept repeating how dumb a thing to say that was, and hearing you say that broke my heart. I told you it wasn't dumb at all. I told you it was so sweet, but what I wish I said is, "Any girl would be lucky and blessed to have you as a father." Just as a father teaches his children, You, Jeffrey, have taught me some invaluable lessons. You have led by example in your constant expression of gratitude. I have never in my life met someone who is just so grateful to be alive. You also taught me how to be honest and accept others as they are. When you missed my birthday meeting you profusely apologized and shared with me the honest truth for why you weren't there. You were doing something that you weren't proud of, yet you told me about it and expressed your deepest apologies. If it were the other way around, I may have hidden the truth and made up a white lie saying that I was sick or something. Because of your honesty, I strive to be more honest. Sometimes I lie because I think I am doing the other person a favor or protecting their feelings, but you've taught me that honesty is the best policy an in your honor Jeffrey I will make strong efforts to follow in your footsteps. In my step work with Shaimoom, we read the step four booklet and I answered the questions about qualities I admire in a friend and how I compare my qualities to those I admire. I shared with him that I love how you, Jeffrey, are able to love and accept people even if you do not particularly like them or agree with them. That's a tough one for me but your ability to just exude love is incredibly inspiring to me. How can I forget your vibrant, fiery passionate shares, which all your shares were, but in particular those that were aimed toward individuals in the rooms who upset you?? Rob and I giggled about that yesterday. Your shares inspired the hell out of us. You expressed yourself graciously and with so much confidence yet at the same time, humility. Even last week, in your weak physical state, you called me to express your concern over a fellow member's behavior toward another member. You are a fighter Jeffrey who doesn't give up on anyone but more importantly, on yourself. You appreciated all you had and were so very loved and admired. You talked about how good it felt to be loved. I'll always remember driving up to Oxnard with your dog Boomer and the dogs I was dogsitting, having a picnic with Joel and his dog Ginger at Doggy Beach...and getting my hair cut by you...definitely a unique experience, standing up for a haircut. Jeffrey, you possess this innocence and purity that is unmatched. And your sense of humor - it is my favorite kind, because you have no idea that you're funny, and that's what makes me laugh the hardest. I value our long conversations where we could open up and share secrets and tell each other things we felt ashamed to tell others. I also admire your ability to stop yourself from gossiping - what growth! I know you loved it, as many of us are guilty of, but through your recovery, you would always say, "I don't want to gossip anymore." Thank you Jeffrey for opening your heart to me. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. You are by far in my top five favorite people ever! I miss you terribly. I'm glad I was able to hold your hand and kiss your forehead yesterday and I'm sorry I didn't come a few days earlier to bring you the orange soda you were craving. Your face when you tasted mine last time was priceless. Sadly it was too late for you to drink it yesterday. You have changed my life in more ways than you can imagine and I am forever grateful to have had you in my life. Last night I went to my parents house and cried in my mom's arms. She wants to make a donation to a cause you were passionate about. I was thinking AIDS/Cancer research, but now I'm leaning toward GA, because I remember you telling me that GA saved your life and that without it you'd be on the streets using drugs or dead. Jeffrey, you will always be my fairy godfather. I love you.
Love,
Sara