Papa,
A year ago TODAY, you left this physical world. Till this day, I still feel like this is just a nightmare and I just didn't wake up from this yet. Seeing you pass away right in front of my eyes was the most horrifying moment of my life. Seeing you suffer killed me. I still remember the day I was diagnosed you were crying and you said " Your going to be okay". Days later your cancer came back like wild fire and you still had such high hopes. I have no idea how because I couldn't even believe any of this. I guess I was just in denial at the time. You said " We are going to get through this. Over and over again. Then I finally believed what you said. Never in a million years did I think I would ever have to go through this. Instantly, life just changed for the both of us. But, I am grateful that we became closer during both of our diagnosis. You understood why I was sick all these years and how debilitating all of this is. You always understood everything. I remember days before both of our treatments I broke down because I knew I couldn't be around you and the family for 2 weeks. I didn't get to see you during treatment because I was at the hospital. I am glad we spoke everyday, and I will remember our "talks" for the rest of my life. I remember the first day I got back to the cancer center after treatment I was so weak to pick up the phone but I just had to know how your first day of treatment was.
Days after you passed away, I went to "your chair", on the porch. I saw my blog. I had no idea you were reading my entire blog everyday. Thanks for all the love and support. I never got the chance to thank you. And, I am so angry for that. But I really need you to know everything you did means more than you will ever know to me.
I miss you more than ever. I wish I can go back in time. I am so glad we went to the " healing mass" together which I said no to twice and I am so so so glad I went with you. But, I didn't know that was going to be your last time at church. I still have the blanket and the prayer book which you said " It is so important to read." " St Anthony" and the "Healing Prayer." I never read it, nor will I ever open this booklet because its so hard to "Believe" when your not even here. I am sorry I hope you forgive me. I really do but... how can I believe? how? You were our rock. Your not here and I hate it. You meant the world to me. I just wish I can wake up from this nightmare. So I could see you wave to me from across the street while your going to work or even hear you knock on my bedroom door asking me "How I am feeling." Or hearing that whistle. I whistle to JJ and all he does is smile. You and Nanny did it all for all of us, especially me and I am so so grateful for the both of you. You are the best. I am so thankful you were in my life. I will honor you for the rest of my life and I hope someday I get to see you again.
I will always have the " survivors guilt." Always.
I love you Papa more than anything in this world. I think of you every second that goes by. There is a huge hole in my heart and I will never ever ever get over this EVER. I will honor you for the rest of my life. I am so glad you love my "shadow box". I just want you back!! We need you. Nanny needs you!!!
I hope you LOVE the Balloons....
You will always be A SURVIVOR to me.
Rest Peacefully.......I Love You!!! I Love You!!!
Love you always and forever,
( As I always said " YOUR FAVORITE GRANDDAUGHTER") :)
xoxoxxoxo Danielle
PS: Heaven Is For Real ( your favorite book you wanted me to read) well, the movie is coming out before Easter. I know you would of loved it. I am going to see it for you.