Good Afternoon My Love,
Just checking in, to say that I love you, and I know that with all the destructive behavior I had put myself through over the course of the months following your passing, even though you kept giving me all the signs that even though I couldn't see you, that you were not really completely gone, I'll be damned if I didn't prior to this moment, not see them, I had an inclination, but heartbroken and soul-weary I closed off my Empathic abilities and began to slowly shut down, as I'm sure are aware of.

Then when I had finally reached my new near rock-bottom, the DEMONS inside my head took over and began to possess me in ways, that Honey you know are just not me, at least not to the degrees where I was going. Then all of a sudden it all finally came to one Hot Mess and escalated faster than I could control it, and once a night came, one that I will say has forever and very quickly drastically changed me in ways that I had never experienced in my life before. Yeah, sure I had thought I had gone through and endured Survived the worst that humanity could do to a person, the Devil stepped in once God took you, my WARRIOR, my PROTECTING Angel from me here on Earth and made you my celestial Guardian, and so very easily fill that gap that was left behind. And me life weary and near browbeaten, the hardened cold lonely heart so easily welcomed him in and he started to take root. Each day became a CHORE and not a purpose-filled reason to get up and carry-on. I really just wanted to crawl into dark abyss and just let what life there was still breathing through my body slowly drain and ooze out of me.

It carried on like that for months afterward, till finally that Near Rock Bottom came and it went to a very violent, dangerous head.

I welcomed the Devil's Minion to just waltzing right on in, sit his ass down and pop a top on a cold one, and take control of me. The lead up to the night was slow, well calculated, charmed if you will to a point. And I saw the signs for I would have sobering moments of half-assed clarity and tell myself

My Sweet Johnny Angel,

Your girl has made some grievous mistakes since the day God called you home. You said I would be a wreck once you were gone, and damn it baby, you had to be right even at the very end. Please continue to look over me. I miss you, I still need you, and I am SORRY.

Nine months I have been here without you. Time, they say will ease the pain, it's a bonified LIE! I have become a prisoner My Love of yesterday, of the days when your love, your silent strength was here. Of the nights I was held tight by you until lying in bed became difficult for you. My Love, I vowed to you when you were alive that once I lost you, once you crossed into the other realm, I would stay forever single. You laughed and said that I was being ridiculous that I would have some 'Young Buck' before long, no my Baby, no, for this pain, this LOSS OF the HALF that once made me completely WHOLE is just too much. I can no longer feel anything other than my own darkness. I miss you more and more with each cruel, lonely and passing day. Oh Lovebug, I just don't know somedays if I have the strength to carry on. I know what you would say, but Darlin' this pain is too real, too strong threatening the life it belongs to....
Oh My BabyBug, I LOVE YOU FOR ALL OF ETERNITY, always have and ALWAYS WILL! <3 <3 <3

Happy Father's Day to our Angel in Heaven. Missing you so much, but I know you live on inside my heart, and in our three beautiful children. I'm making it without you, even if I don't like the cold silence in the house some days. Your love gave me the strength and confidence I need to live the rest of this life without you. I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY LOVE BUG!

April 27, 2017
Your birthday came and went, and the day found me sad and lonely. I know since you have been gone, I have been having a hard time trying to figure out where I go from you. I miss you, my Lovebug. And I know all these 'dates' aren't going to replace this empty hole that was left behind, when you had to go, but I just can't handle being here alone sometimes. You always called me strong, and I am trying to be, you always said I could do anything, and Baby I'm trying. I just really miss you sometimes

We missed you daddy all of us do me and the boys and mom we loved you. wished i sawyoued befor you went, so i can tell you i forgive you for everthing . you will be missed and forever loved by us. we always love you daddy.
                                         your lovig daughter,
                                           nicole lynn gorbich

Honey, I thought about you yesterday and today, I cried, the tears just came. I am trying hard My Love to be strong, but the sudden loss of you has left a big gaping oozing hole inside my heart and very soul.
 I am not sure how I can move on, but then again in some aspects, I really don't want to. I fear that if I let this pain slowly go, so too will your memory, but then, no. I know you will always be a part of me for as long as I live and breathe here on this Earth.
Your love, your spirit has imprinted itself on every fiber of my being.
God has claimed you, but your spirit seems to live on here with me. I swear there are times when I can smell your cologne, hear you whisper in my ear when I have doubts, and I can almost feel you gently pushing me onward on those days when I feel like I can't go on alone.
I love you, I loved you then, I love you now, and perhaps I always will.

My husband, my friend, my FOREVER LOVE. I remember everything that happened to us over the beautiful 22 years I was blessed to have shared with you.
 Always had a joke to make me smile, no matter how lame it may be. You always were there when I needed a shoulder when this crazy old world would bring me down, and respected my need at times to just be closed off and alone with myself. Always patient, always gentle, always so full of life right to the bitter end.
You had a love for your country like that I had never known and you taught me so much Love, you taught me how to take the lumps of life and brush them off but to learn a lesson from them so as not make the same mistakes again. You showed me the beauty I held with in and you brought that out to the surface, you put the light you marveled at into my eyes when I smiled. Even in the bad times, you always held my hand and my heart.
 I remember the pride you showed on your face when our Daughter was born, "Daddy's little Alien" that was the nick name you gave her because when our Nikki was a newborn, her eyes were so dark blue that they were nearly black and almond shaped. Then when I had Austin, you missed his arrival, but when you came home to us, you loved on that boy like he was the best thing in the world. As he grew and you watched him, walking around silently studying things, you called him The Little Professor. Then we had our last boy, and you didn't want him to be named after you completely, so I named him Johnathan, you just wanted him to be called John. I remember when you thought you were alone with him when he was just four days old, you spoke with him and told him that you were proud of him and his brother and sister and told him that when he grew he had to look after his mom when daddy was working. You called him your little side-kick.
 Though each child had their own unique nick names from you, one thing was always blatantly clear you loved your children with ever fiber of your being. Just as you loved me, My Love.
 You may be resting now in the arms of Angels in Heaven, but know this My Love, I will keep your memories tucked safe inside my heart and soul, and I will cherish the time we had together as precious memories no one can steal.
 Rest peacefully My Love, and know I will be with you soon, may take a while but I will be with you once again! Just protect us and watch us from Heaven.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS MY SWEET MARINE!