A Gift
I'm sitting here tonight, trying not to cry. My thoughts are on Pam. I can't even focus on any one thing. Sitting here in tears. I can't sleep. I can't think. This is hard. I remember when writing helped me so much. But to write, especially now is difficult, to go on trying to acknowledge and face these feelings. This really hurts, but Pam knows this. My sister has had and faced the greatest heartache imaginable. How do I help her? What can I say? What can I do? Pam won't ever hear from me, "I know how you must be feeling." I couldn't even imagine. I remember thinking what if it would have happened to one of my girls? Imagining the loss of any of my girls was something I couldn't even face.
My nephew is gone. I want to hold him. I want to look into his eyes, hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him. I want to play with him. Have him show me how to play t-ball. What I wouldn't give to hear Joseph's philosophy on anything. I miss his stories. His explanation on anything mechanical. I miss him so much. Missed holidays, missed parties, missed visits and to many missed opportunities. All gone. I can't get them back. Will I ever learn? Oh Lord, please help me. I want to.
Someone I love very much is hurting. I want to help her, but I know I can't. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I don't do something right? So, I say nothing. Pam and I have talked and shared. But it seems so inadequate. I also know Pam has heard a lot of silence. Maybe those people are stuck in fear. Feelings of inadequacy, so they are silent and time goes by ,,,
My loss of Joseph has never left me. I am reminded of him daily. I'm taking this opportunity before it passes me by, to share my heart with you. Is it selfish? I hope not. I don't want to be among the silent crowd. I see Joseph in every little boy. I see him when I look into Debra's eyes. He is a part of my heart. Joseph's going has made me realize life is not to be taken for granted. An ice cream cone with the kids. A Disney movie at home. A Tigger, a Pooh Bear. Time is a gift. I now appreciate what I once took for granted. Joseph was our gift from God. We didn't have him long, but he was ours. Our nephew, our cousin, our grandson, our brother and our son. Our gift from above. Thank you Lord for Joseph Ramon Tratnik
Joseph's Aunt Debbie