November 5, 2021
November 5, 2021
i wrote this a few months ago, but haven’t had the courage to post it. today is nana’s birthday, the first we don’t get to celebrate with her, and it’s time to share this. i love you forever nana. happy birthday.
it’s been 7 months since we lost nana, and i’m just able to work up the courage to post this here. nana was someone that could light up a room. she did light up the room. her smile was infectious, her wit was sharp, and her love was endless. 3 days before christmas 2020, i found out she was sick again. i knew in that moment she wouldn’t have much longer. still, we facetimed, and had family zoom calls. on christmas, i sobbed because seeing her so sick hurt. i hid in the other room so she wouldn’t see my crying. every week for the next two months, we would talk to her and papa. seeing her in pain hurt more than words can explain.
the day we lost her was a normal day for me. i remember finding out so vividly. my sister and i were laughing about something and as soon as my mom walked in and i saw her face, i knew. my heart shattered. i had to immediately tell my boss i wouldn’t be working that day, and spent the rest of the day crying on and off. i cuddled with the reindeer christmas decoration she had gotten me for christmas. i looked at the picture of her with the build-a-bear mom and i made for her. i talked to my dad and my dads mom, my best friends, and my mom and sister. i felt broken.
i felt guilty that i didn’t talk to her more often. i still feel guilty about that. my biggest regret is the day i decided to take a nap instead of joining the facetime call with her. losing her made me realize just how precious grandparents are. so i started to talk to my living grandparents more often.
when papa was finally able to come back to new england to see us all, i was beyond excited. but behind that excitement was also sadness. seeing papa without nana was something i rarely saw growing up. they were always together. when we had a family cookout, there was a physical feeling of her not being there. when we spread her ashes at revere beach, we all cried. whenever i read the tributes to her, i cry. if i see a couple that reminds me of her and papa, i cry. looking at her picture hurts. but she was so happy right until the end. she was always so positive.
because of her disabilities, we had limited options for games when i was little. but we came up with some. our favorite was always ice cream shop. i would “push her around” and we’d pretend to eat ice cream. then it became real. ice cream was a necessary trip whenever we were together, it didn’t matter what time of year it was. we played board games, and she even managed to play some wii games with us as we got older. i remember when she met blaze for the first time and immediately loved him, and he always loved to kiss her and have her let him. i remember not being able to find any of my family in the audience at my high school graduation except her and papa at first. i remember her carrying me on her lap when i was a baby. i remember her always smiling at me.
if there is one person who inspired me most, it was her. to have the strength and will that she did is something i can only dream of. i wear the breast cancer bracelet she did everyday. i think about the stories she told. i always bragged to my friends about how strong and talented my nana was, growing up. growing up i hated having the middle name kathleen because it was “old fashioned”. now i know that my middle name is a tie to her. i’m the luckiest girl in the world to share a name with her.
i wish i had gotten to see her one last time. i wish she would be able to see me graduate college. i got 20 years with her though. i am beyond lucky to have gotten those years. i don’t know what to believe about life after death, but i know that whatever it is, she watches over me.
however you knew her, as mom, as nana, as kathy, you cannot deny she was incredible. she cared so much. i hope to one day be a fraction of the woman she was. i hope to have the love she and papa shared. i hope to make her proud.
nana, you are missed.
love emily kathleen lavacchia
it’s been 7 months since we lost nana, and i’m just able to work up the courage to post this here. nana was someone that could light up a room. she did light up the room. her smile was infectious, her wit was sharp, and her love was endless. 3 days before christmas 2020, i found out she was sick again. i knew in that moment she wouldn’t have much longer. still, we facetimed, and had family zoom calls. on christmas, i sobbed because seeing her so sick hurt. i hid in the other room so she wouldn’t see my crying. every week for the next two months, we would talk to her and papa. seeing her in pain hurt more than words can explain.
the day we lost her was a normal day for me. i remember finding out so vividly. my sister and i were laughing about something and as soon as my mom walked in and i saw her face, i knew. my heart shattered. i had to immediately tell my boss i wouldn’t be working that day, and spent the rest of the day crying on and off. i cuddled with the reindeer christmas decoration she had gotten me for christmas. i looked at the picture of her with the build-a-bear mom and i made for her. i talked to my dad and my dads mom, my best friends, and my mom and sister. i felt broken.
i felt guilty that i didn’t talk to her more often. i still feel guilty about that. my biggest regret is the day i decided to take a nap instead of joining the facetime call with her. losing her made me realize just how precious grandparents are. so i started to talk to my living grandparents more often.
when papa was finally able to come back to new england to see us all, i was beyond excited. but behind that excitement was also sadness. seeing papa without nana was something i rarely saw growing up. they were always together. when we had a family cookout, there was a physical feeling of her not being there. when we spread her ashes at revere beach, we all cried. whenever i read the tributes to her, i cry. if i see a couple that reminds me of her and papa, i cry. looking at her picture hurts. but she was so happy right until the end. she was always so positive.
because of her disabilities, we had limited options for games when i was little. but we came up with some. our favorite was always ice cream shop. i would “push her around” and we’d pretend to eat ice cream. then it became real. ice cream was a necessary trip whenever we were together, it didn’t matter what time of year it was. we played board games, and she even managed to play some wii games with us as we got older. i remember when she met blaze for the first time and immediately loved him, and he always loved to kiss her and have her let him. i remember not being able to find any of my family in the audience at my high school graduation except her and papa at first. i remember her carrying me on her lap when i was a baby. i remember her always smiling at me.
if there is one person who inspired me most, it was her. to have the strength and will that she did is something i can only dream of. i wear the breast cancer bracelet she did everyday. i think about the stories she told. i always bragged to my friends about how strong and talented my nana was, growing up. growing up i hated having the middle name kathleen because it was “old fashioned”. now i know that my middle name is a tie to her. i’m the luckiest girl in the world to share a name with her.
i wish i had gotten to see her one last time. i wish she would be able to see me graduate college. i got 20 years with her though. i am beyond lucky to have gotten those years. i don’t know what to believe about life after death, but i know that whatever it is, she watches over me.
however you knew her, as mom, as nana, as kathy, you cannot deny she was incredible. she cared so much. i hope to one day be a fraction of the woman she was. i hope to have the love she and papa shared. i hope to make her proud.
nana, you are missed.
love emily kathleen lavacchia