Larry shared this very personal story many times, and many people shared that it helped them understand our spiritual journey. It certainly helped me understand his spirit. Teri

Take Me to the Portal

Where do we go when we die? Why are we even here in this existence? Like most people I’ve thought about these questions throughout my life.Religion answers these questions for many people but the religious answers never satisfied me, I just didn’t have that Faith.

My mind and spirit were rapidly confronted with these questions when I was quickly overcome by Acute Myeloid Leukemia and hospitalized for thirty-five days. The goal was to use chemotherapy to cause a remission to buy time. During this bought time we would learn about the possible courses of action.

Unfortunately, I had a bad reaction to the chemo, it worked, but it hit me harder than most people.In addition, I developed a serious infection in my colon that spread to my bloodstream.I was told that one night I came within a 50/50 chance of dying.This is where my story begins.

It was so a real that I hesitate to call it a dream: I “swam” with a dozen or so other spirit beings in a clear lagoon. The “water” was not H2O but rather a fluid oneness of the loving universe.It was swimming in pure joy.Metaphorically, in an earth sense, we were like baby dolphins or baby sea otters completely absorbed with delight playing among ourselves. Unlike these earthly babies we were pulsing ribbons of energy that flew/swam almost at light speed while still cutting, rolling and tumbling in our enchanting spirit games.

As I buzzed across the bottom of the lagoon I saw a rectangular yellow sign on the bottom with large black letters that spelled “GO THROUGH THIS DOOR IF YOU WANT TO STAY HERE”.Never have I experienced such a state of bliss and I wanted to stay there forever.I felt so joyful there that I didn’t give it a second thought.I blew right through that door.

The yellow sign spun like a paddle wheel and spit me out like a flopping fish on the deck of a boat.I was back in the World of Pain, our world.A kind but authoritative voice told me that it was not time for me to leave, that I still have work to do on Earth.

A few other empathetic voices led me on a broad review of my life and provided some information so that I would learn from this experience.They indicated they were on my team, my spirit helpers.Here are some things they thought I should know:

--We are spirit beings having an earthly experience in our bodies.Earth is a tough school because here all life survives at the expense of other life. This inevitably leads to pain and suffering.

--Our goal is to evolve to become more perfect spirits who can help others on the spiritual path. By helping others we help ourselves.

--The lagoon was a transitional place for spirits in similar circumstances as me.Some would experience rebirth in other worlds to learn different lessons in their spirit journey.Others, like me, would be returned to Earth to resume their mission with the benefit of added awareness from this experience.

--Learning to forgive is essential.If we can’t forgive we can’t progress.This includes forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes.

--Managing how we accept loss is one of the biggest lessons we can learn in this world that comes with inherent pain and suffering.Even the wealthy and most fortunate must encounter loss of loved ones, broken relationships, loss of professional status and material possessions, declining physical capacity, aging and mortality.

--The most important thing is our linkage with other souls.We are in this together and our greatest work involves helping others on the journey.

This last point gets to the heart of the matter.In my darkest moments in the hospital I could feel the love and support of others lifting me up and giving me strength.So many people offered me prayers, good wishes, thoughts, good vibrations, poems, cards, gifts, and heartfelt messages. Neighbors cared for our house and tended the yard. Perhaps the best of all is that I had my soulmate Teri and my son Jesse by my side in the hospital. I kept thinking how grateful I was and I felt compassion for those who undergo such trials alone.

Some doctors and scientists will say there are other explanations for my experience like fever dreams, or a flush of endorphins as the body protects itself from pain. Perhaps, it can’t be proven one way or another, but the experience certainly affected me and my outlook on the remainder of my life. I have a clearer understanding about how to use my time and I don’t fear death because I don’t believe it is the end.

“All the cosmos is a single substance of which we are a part.God is not an external manifestation, but everything that is.”--Spinoza

Larry Lesko

It breaks my heart to share this news from Teri. It has been a rough week knowing that my mentor, my Kaibab pal forever, the guy that taught me so much about life, the Cohonina, and the joy of wild places, has left this world way too young after a long battle with Leukemia.

From my first day on the U.S. Forest Service - Kaibab National Forest, I became his willing and trusty side kick for any adventure he'd cook up for us.The most memorable were the epic backpacking trips into the Sycamore Canyon and Kanab Creek Wildernesses that bound the forest on the south and north. We often spent those trips trying to find short cuts into our favorite wild places, and we never failed. We often pared down our backpacks to a bed roll, leaving the tents behind so we could carry more beer. Yeah, we paid for that more than a few times when surprise rain and snow storms caught us off guard.

In 1987 he was the first Kaibab archaeologist to walk in front of a dozer to save dozens of archaeological sites in the Upper Basin. He was the first archaeologist on the Northern Arizona Type II team and learned many other fire jobs when he didn't have to chase dozers. Years later when the Bridger Fire hit the North Kaibab, he only ordered me up north only when the fire had calmed down. From then on he taught me everything I need to be safe on the fire line.

In 1989, Kaibab heritage team was working on a Windows on the Past Project about Snake Gulch.  Larry was instrumental in helping produce this video. 30 years later it resides on the Kaibab National Forest web site - "The Rocks Remember, The Art of Snake Gulch". Since then not much has changed in Snake Gulch and there is a great clip of Larry at 7 min. 02 seconds into the video. 

Larry and Dr. John Hanson pioneered collaboration with our tribal neighbors. When I arrived in 1990 the Kaibab was already consulting over springs restoration projects and consulting with tribal elders about the Keyhole Sink hiking trail. Larry and John's concept of "Walking the Land" together rather than sending letters back and forth set the precedent for Forest Service and the Kaibab became a reinvention lab for tribal relations across the nation. During those years we were often invited to reservations to share our knowledge with tribal youth, throwing atlatls and making split-twig figurines with them. Larry was even the invited guest speaker at Havasupai's Earth Day in 1998. His Smokey Bear side kick had a busy evening dancing to the sounds of Bob Marley at the elementary school Earth Day dinner.

In 1992 Larry and his pal John Eavis created an interpretive hiking trail to one of the Kaibab's most publicly loved cultural sites, Keyhole Sink. Friends wonder why I go there so often; well now you know why, and why I took it so personally when it was vandalized 10 years ago.

In 1995, Larry took me to my first Grateful Dead concert in Vegas. Along with 10 other Kaibab co-workers we all shared one room at Boulder Station. Dave Matthews Band opened for the Dead, and the shows were amazing. Three months later when Jerry died, I really felt lucky once again that I had tagged along with Larry.

The historic Kendrick Mountain Lookout Cabin was another favorite place of John Eavis' and Larry's. In 1988 they worked on preserving it together. Perhaps now you know why that little cabin has taken up so much of my life the past 5 years and why I dragged my best man David McKee in on the project to reconstruct its crushed roof.

Larry was also the architect of our Passport in Time volunteer projects. When we were one of the first Forests to organize one in 1991, Larry insisted we cook group meals together river trip style in the back country to build camaraderie between us and the volunteers. 30 years and 35 projects later, we are still doing the same. Any of you who have participated in one of our PIT projects will now know why we have melon with our breakfasts every morning; on our first 1991 Snake Gulch recording project Larry told me they would store well and get sweeter every day. 30 years later, they still do.

As most know, Larry is one of the calmest, kindest and most level headed guys around. The only time I ever heard him raise his voice would be on our many road trips to the North Kaibab or on our lunch breaks when we were surveying. Larry would turn on the radio and have us listen to Rush Limbaugh and just for even more fun, Dr. Laura. Within minutes, he would be yelling at the top of his lungs at the radio. I'd say, "Larry, turn on NPR"....his response would be, "Neil, we have to keep a watch on what they are saying, even when we don't like it..." Lesson learned.....

Earlier in the month, even when he was feeling weak and short of breath, Teri made an audio clip of him for me talking about his role as a fire archaeologist. Just last week Larry and I were corresponding back and forth on a Kaibab Heritage Memory project that is documenting the history of the program from 1976 to present. I couldn't wait to share the document with him to see how many people he had touched over the years, without even knowing them.

Thank you TC for sharing Larry with me. Those 10 years of adventures with him shaped my life in ways I never could have dreamed. Ever since you guys left in 2001 and I find myself between a rock and a hard place, I always ask myself, what would Larry do?

I now imagine that Larry is soaring on those updrafts in Kanab Creek alongside those ravens that used to hover over our heads and mock us on our long hikes out. Rest easy my pal, and to me, you'll be forever young.

All my love, Neil