My dearest love , today is the day we make Lindsey garden with your ginko trees and favorite flowers.Lindsey you were everything I had ever hoped for in a wife. So loving . I wish I could turn back time. Some say you are in a better place. That you are happy now. I want to be with you. If that means that I must let go of this world to be in your arms. I didn’t truely believe in soulmates until I met you. When I hold your remains close to my heart I feel at peace. You were whom I was supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. I feel empty and sick without you. I miss the sound of your beautiful voice singing. I miss the way you felt in my arms. I miss your snuggles and cuteness. I love you Lindsey you are my other half and I’m scared to do this without you. I’m falling apart without you.

Lindsey my little fuzzy biscuit.. i love you endlessly.  There are 6 pages of pictures and 1 page of videos of you and me. As a memory of US and the time we share together. Paid for for LIFE... or whatever life means anyway. So i know this is very long but I hope some how wherever you are in this dimensional universe some how you can see this message. Lindsey your death has shattered the very structure of my existence, my very life has become meaningless void — for all my dreams and aspirations were somehow associated with OUR future together. You have been forever wedded into dust, death. Yet i feel you live on daily within my soul. Sadly there nothing to assuage the pain of an unquenchable longing to hold you in my arms.

Soon i will be planting a Gingko tree and flowers star gazer Lilly's for you... sigh... in a few days I will be leaving to go to Missouri... I WISH i had just taken off and come sooner to help you my love. Lindsey I know sorry is good enough for this. You told me every day that you MISSED ME... i just did not understand just how badly you missed me and needed me. I never understood it.. or why you could not just come home. I felt when you left that i would never see you again. But i did not know why. I thought it would be a accident with a deer... hence the deer whistles... hence the special $900.00 winter tires for extra stopping power and traction to avoid a deer or be safe in the snow... which once again i was RIGHT and you had a MAJOR snow storm blizzard and you went out in the blizzard to get your kia registered at the DMV that was of course CLOSED due to the BLIZZARD . You are a silly little fuzzy bean.. and i wish i understood your logic better.  I never realized how badly you beat yourself up inside. Or that you strived so hard for perfection but that you never felt GOOD ENOUGH. I never understood that because you were more than good enough for me. You were perfect for me. You were everything i ever wanted in a wife... you did some things that irritated me at times.  You upset me as all humans do at times. But you took things to heart.. You were overly sensitive and you did not realize that i just expected you to be honest with me. You did so many good things that i look back on now in utter disbelief that you are gone. I pray to GOD for you for years. I wanted you for years and years to be in my life.  And God answered my prayers for the first time in my life GOD actually answered my prayer. To have YOU ... as my wife.. as the person i would spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to GROW old with you. Now instead of a wedding with Pastor Jimmy its a Funeral ... instead of flowers for our wedding its flowers for your death.  Instead of happiness its utter sadness. And the thought that maybe you felt that anyone would be better off without you is horrible. NO ONE is better off without you. I AM NOT OK without you... i am destroyed. God gave us this life to enjoy with each other.. to laugh to be happy and to be partners with each other. To LISTEN to each other and spend time with each other. Some how you felt like the time was up... one more day is all i needed. One more day to talk to you and explain how i felt.  One more day to sit and discuss with you our future.  I never understood your impulsive and last minute issues. Everything had to be an emergency last minute. I need it.. NOW... i need fuel NOW... not im at 1/4 tank.. im at ZERO fuel.  IM ON EMPTY. Now i would GIVE anything to hear your call me for a minor emergency.. now i would give ANYTHING to hear you say.. WILLIAM i need your help with whatever.. . NOW i would give ANYTHING to just HOLD YOU in my arms. NOW I hold your clothes... i sniff and smell your hoodie or shirt for a hint of the memory of you just so i can attempt to fall asleep at night.  The absolute HELL on earth it is without you in my life is beyond words. It feels like a ROCK is on my chest. If i knew for certain that if i died tomorrow i would see you. I would be gone by the end of today. I listen to your videos and voice before i go to bed at night just to feel your closeness. I need you next to me. I need to hold you.. i need your fuzzy little ears.. and you to make me BEAR FOOD. You were not my love.. you were not only my best friend ... you were a BIG SISTER to Claudia.. a Daughter to your Mom and dad... and you were the WHOLE WORLD TO ME! You were my soulmate and you knew it... you knew we were meant to be together.  SIGH... you taught me a lesson to get my life in order and be more close with Jesus Christ and pray more. You taught me to be KIND... be loving always even if i am upset.. You taught me so much .... i just do not understand why i needed to lose you forever. I know you are happier in Heaven than down here in all this madness ... all these issues here on earth... I needed you. You were wanted.. you are needed. LIFE IS MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU. I will NOT BE OK until i see you again.

Dear Lindsey... I just can not believe this is real... i still feel like I will come home to you and stella... and you cooking me dinner.
It feels like a nightmare.  I hope and pray but nothing can bring you back...
You were my everything.  I am so glad i got to fall in love with you.
I am so happy that i got to be part of your life. But ... life without you feels like food without taste. A car without fuel... a computer without electricity . 
I just exist.... it is not LIVING for me it is merely existing. Honestly what is the point of that? I ask myself if the tables were turned and you found me dead... or you were packing your stuff to come here and I died at work.  What would you do? Would you stick around... would you stay here to BEAR the burden of taking care of things. Or would you fall apart? Would you plant a tree at my grave in memory of me? Would you stay strong and help my mom with my stuff and my apartment and my vehicles... Would you be able to drive my vehicle without crying? Would you be able to deal with my clothes and shoes and stuff without breaking down into pieces? Everything is a reminder of you. I can not escape it.  I can not even enjoy a meal without thinking of you or a flower or a sunrise. NOTHING... You were my everything! And you knew you were my everything!  I told you that i needed you. We were going to have a family together. And now instead of a wedding ... its a funeral.. instead of flowers at our wedding one day... its me planting star gazer lilys and a Gingko tree at your grave.  All i have now are memories of you. Pictures of you.  Happy times.. happy videos... a life CUT SHORT for no REASON!!!!
Others tell me that in time it will be OK.. ill feel better.  I wonder what would have happened if the flip of this occurred.. if i died and you did not die.
Would you have stayed alive... Honestly I HIGHLY doubt it.. I think you would have given up immediately.  If you had to drive back here to see my mom.. and collect your belongings. You would have collapsed in Grief and pain and misery. Maybe this is why you called me BEAR... maybe this is why you gave me the little aluminum cross you always carry.  Because now i have to BEAR this Cross. How long before i can drop this cross ? Give me a sign. I miss you Derfla biscuts... i miss your fuzzy ears.. i miss your laugh.. i miss you werido... you were PERFECT for me in every way. Love Always Willum Bear...

Dear Lindsey it’s been a month since I heard your voice. I can’t believe you’re gone. I feel completely empty without you. I wish I could hold you. Your clothes here your memories are here with me. I should’ve talk to you. I should’ve said I can’t picture my life without you. I didn’t want to be with you just because you need someone to take care of you. I wanted to be with you because I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I cannot believe your home safe with God and gone forever . 29 years old is insane young to leave me alone in this world. We were supposed to be married, have a family and be my partner for 25+ more years. I feel robbed. I feel like following you into the dark. I needed you in my life. I love ❤️ you Little fuzzy Derfla biscuits :( ily Lindsey